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Cle. Who's at the door?
Ser. Wauns! I forgot. It be Maister Dashall, fra' Lunnun.
All. Oh, my friend Dashall! show him in. But let me get off these trappings-the Londoner will smoke me. [Pulls off his gown-Exeunt Servant and Shopman, L.
Enter DASHALL, L.
Ah, Dashall, glad to see you! Ecod! you look comical, though. Why, Dick, either your head or mine must be devilishly out of fashion!
Das. Why, friend Toby, your's is more on the grand pas, to be sure: but very little head, you see, serves people of fashion. So there's the thirty thousand pounder, I suppose. I say, Toby, who is that elegant creature?
All. 'Tis my daughter. Don't you remember Cleme? Das. [Addressing her.] You're an angel!
All. Go, Cleme, and look after the people. To-day } give a grand-ga ga—
Cle. Gala, pa! I've told you the name twenty timesAll. Confound it! gala, then.
Cle. Sir, your most devoted.
Das. I adore you.
Cle. Oh, sir!
Das. To distraction, dam'me! [Looking through a glass. Cle. I vow you confuse me in such a style! [Exit, R. Das. Oh! I see that account's settled; [Looking after her] and now for the father.-Oh! how does it tell? [Looks at Allspice through a glass. All. What, that's the knowing, is it? [Imitating. Das. To be sure. But, Toby, how did you come on
at the courts?
All. Oh! capitally: I made a speech.
All. Yes, I did. Sam Smuggle, you must know, was found guilty of taking a false oath at the custom-house; so the judge ordered me to put Sam in the pillory. "An please you, my lord judge," says I, "I'd rather not.""Why so, Mr. Sheriff?"" Because, my lord," says I, "Sam Smuggle, no more than a month ago, paid me 371. 18s. 11d., as per ledger; and I make it a rule never to disoblige a customer."-Then they all laughed: so, you see, I came off pretty well.
Das. Capitally. But a'n't you tired of this sneaking retailing?
All. Oh, yes! sometimes of a Saturday-market-day. Das. 'Tis a vile paltry bore. What do you make of this raffish shop of your's?
All. Oh! a great deal-last year, 17451. odd money. Das. Contemptible! my clerk would despise it. Why, in a single monopoly I've touched ten times the sum. All. Monopoly !
Das. To be sure-the way we knowing ones thrive. You remember that on sugar-a first-rate thing, was it not?-distressed the whole town-made them take the worst commodity at the best price: netted fifteen thousand pounds by that.
All. Why, I turned the penny by that myself.
Das. Turned the penny! be advised by me, and you shall turn thousands-ay, and overturn thousands.
All. Shall I, though? But did you sell all that sugar yourself.
Das. I sell! never saw a loaf. No, my way is this -I generally take my first clerk a-hunting with me; and when the hounds are at fault, we arrange these little matters.
All. How free and easy! oh! you must be gloriously rich.
Das. I won't tell you my circumstances just now.
Das. I have. I'm very expensive in my women, though.
All. Ah! mothers and sisters extravagant?
Das. Mothers and sisters! no, no-curse me if I know how they carry on the war; take in the flats at faro, I suppose. No, I mean the girls.
All. What! not concubines, do you?
Das. To be sure. But perhaps you don't like the girls, eh?
All. Oh! but I do, though. I'll tell you a melancholy secret: do you know that people in the country are so precise, and talk so about character, that, my dear friend, in the particular you mentioned, I am a very unhappy man.
Das. Oh! is it there I have you? Then come to town, my gay fellow! enjoy affluence and pleasure, and make a splash.
All. Ecod! I should like it. Even talking about it
gives me a kind of swaggering, agreeable feel: and then the girls-the pretty profligates!
Das. Ay, you shall have my Harriet.
All. Shall I? I'll do all I can to make her happy; yes, I will: and, if she likes almonds and raisins, she shall have-
Das. Almonds and raisins! pearls and diamonds!
Das. You've heard of the Alley?
All. Yes; but I don't understand it: bulls and hears-Das. I'll make you up to all-Cons-Rescounters, snort stuff, bonus, backwardation, omnium gatherumAll. Ay; and what's being a lame duck?
Das. I'll show you the way to be that, too. I'll teach you the true waddle: and Harriet will adore you.
All. Oh! do you say so? I tell you what I'll do—I'll start gallant to-day-I'll make a splash among the ladies at my-what's the name on't?
Dus. Gala: but you must get rid of that porcupine frizzle. You must be cropped in this way.
All. Bless you, I've plenty of hair under my wig. Das. That's lucky? [Aside.] So, I've got him pretty tight in hand.
All. You'll see how I'll ogle and swagger. along. Oh! Toby's the boy to tickle them. [Exeunt, R.
SCENE III-A Room in Faulkner's House.
Enter FAULKNER and M'QUERY, R.
Fau. Does my attorney in town refuse to proceed?
Fuu. He knows the law is with me, to a certainty. M'Que. Law and certainty! you really forget what you are talking about.
Fau. Most likely, for I am mad.
[Walking about. M'Que. I'm sorry for you, captain-indeed, I am; though I'm only an attorney, I'm sorry.
Fau. Oh, sir, don't outrage your tender nature!
Enter CAUSTIC, R. D.`
Cau. Captain Faulkner, your most obedient: I called, sir, respecting-but you're engaged.
Fau. Pray, sir, be seated.
Cau. My business, sir, is of so little importance, either to you or myself, that he seems agitated-I'll take ano
ther opportunity-good morning-I'll just take a peep into the courts, and see how Tangent comes on in the law,—oḥ, he'll be chancellor!
Enter JULIA, R. D., followed by TANGENT, carrying several parcels of sugar, &c.—Julia bows to Caustic in passing, R. Tan. Zounds! my uncle!
Cau. Eh! what!-yes-no-it can't be !
Fau. Well, my dear, have you made your purchases? Tan. Yes, sir, the real black hyson-sweet, pretty article-defies the trade to sell more cheaperer than us do. Ma'am [Bowing to Julia, and peeping at Caustic.]—oh ! he knows me.
Cau. 'Tis he, by all that's furious!
Fau. Not quite so familiar, if you please, sir. Well recollected-I want
Cau. And I want-patience.
Tan. We don't sell it, sir.
Cau. [Turning him round.] Oh! you incorrigibleTan. Ah! is it you? how do you do, uncle ?-must brazen it out. [Aside. Cau. 'Sdeath, sir! what's that? [Pointing to his apron.] and what the devil are you at now?
Tan. Trade, commerce, uncle: soul of Sir Thomas Gresham-thou who, in the counting-house of the gods,
Cau. Stop, stop, I say! Have you forgot the woolsack? think of the woolsack!
Tan. I do-wool is a staple commodity. Commerce, I say
Cau. I say, law.
Tan. The theory of commerce is abstruse, and very little understood.
Cau. Why, so is law.
Tan. Commerce shows you what money will do.
Tan. Commerce enriches the country.
Cau. So does—no, no.
Fau. (c.) Sir, as father to this lady, I must demand an explanation of such extraordinary conduct.
Tan. With all my heart. Sir, your lovely daughter came to Allspice's shop, when-I don't recollect howbut, somehow or other, I had got this apron round meshe took me for the shopman; and for the pleasure of beholding her, I became a porter, and, to continue that
happiness, would become [Seeing M'Query.] an attorney. This is the fact: I can't tell a lie for the soul of me. M'Que. (L.) Can't you? then I would recommend you not to become an attorney.
Tan. (R. C.) Trade's the thing, uncle-understand it all; I'll snip off a yard of riband with e'er a six-foot haberdasher in town, return the drawer to its place with a smack-roll up change in a bit of paper-smirk-present it with the counter-bow; an't I perfect, ma'am? [Faulkner and Julia smile.
Cau. Mr. Tangent.
Jul. My father!
Fau. Tangent! damnation!
Cau. I cast you off, sir, for ever! 'Sdeath! were you my own child, your undutiful conduct would be natural and excusable. But you've no right to make me miserable--I'm not your father, and I insist
Fau. And I insist that my house may not be made the scene of your buffoonery.
Tan. Upon my soul, sir, I
Fau. And that you take leave of it, and that lady, for
Jul. Oh sir! surely-
Cau. [To Tangent.] There-I'm glad on't. And now, sir, you may think of the woolsack, sir; or you may snip ribands, sir-or wrap up halfpence in whitey-brown paper, sir; I have done with you, sir-and there's the counter-bow for you, sir. Captain Faulkner, good morning. [Exit, R.
Fau. Confusion !
Tan. Captain Faulkner! then I may hear of my friend. Sir, though your conduct to me has been harsh-I flatter myself, unmeritedly so-yet my anxiety to hear of a lost friend induces me to solicit what I should otherwise despise.
Fau. Be brief, sir.
Tan. Charles Richmond-Charles Richmond, sir-is he no more?
Fau. (c.) He fell by my side.
Tan. Poor Charles! I remember, when we were at college, we agreed that whoever died bachelor should make the survivor his heir; but he was too generous to be rich. Did he, sir, leave any money?