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return the compliment. [Aside.) What a tiger!-However, I'm glad you have the cash, because-
Fuu. Even now I gave the last guinea I possessed to my daughter.
M'Que. That's unlucky! because here's a little bit of a bill for labour, trouble, care, and diligence, as we say.
Fau. [Taking it.] This, then, is your proffered assist
M'Que. Oh! read it, read it! You'll find it right to an eightpence!
Fau. [Reads.] “ Attending you frequently to offer my Į advice and friendship, without being able to meet you, two pounds two."
[With severity. MʻQue. That's right and proper, and 'tis all like it; but, as you've no cash, you may as well sign a little bit of a bond and judgment: it will make the debt an even fifty.
Fau. Ay, anything. (Walks about in disorder.
M'Que. Ha, ha! you forget that you have not a parcel of servants now. That's a good one! ha, ha!
Fau. [Attempting to laugh.] Ha, ha! I did so, sir. Damnation! is life worth holding on these terms ? We shall find them in the next room.
MʻQue. Now, sir, though you have put yourself in my power
Fau. Hah! in your power-shallow fool! mark me. Dare but to hint at what I've told you, and, by the honour I have lost, your life pays the forfeit. Do you mark? In your power! do you mark, I say?
M'Que. O yes! I was not in earnest: I was pleasant again. Oh, what a devil he is! 'Tis hard to be so poor -I'm worth twenty thousand, every shilling.
Fau. This way. Unfeeling man! [Exeunt, L.
END OF ACT I.
SCENE I.- A Room at Allspice's House-Table and Six
Chairs. Enter CLEMENTINA and FANNY, R. Cle. (c.) How do I look, Fanny? Do you know, Fanny, my dead aunt was quite teazing; I declare and vow she once sent for me to see her die, and I found her dancing a Scotch reel at an assembly. How horrid provoking! Have you an idea, Fanny, how much one ought to cry for an aunt?
Fan. (R. C.) I don't really know, miss.
Cle. Oh, Fanny! you lived with Lady Eschallot when her husband died. Did she make it a point to take on?
Fan. () yes ! ma'am. Cle. Did it tell, Fanny ? Fan. Exceedingly, ma'am. Cle. I dare say it would be stylish, 'tis so particular. Oh! I shall have oceans of lovers when I get this fortune. 'Tis so shocking to be constant, I vow: after you have cut your jokes and shown your tricks, it grows so insipid, and you do long for another lover in such a style, you've no idea. Here comes pa-Do you know, Fanny, that pa's keeping a shop horrifies me to that de gree
[Exit Fanny, R. Enter Allspice, with his velvet cap and apron on, L.
All. (R. c.). Ab, Cleme!-What! dizen'd out-expect to touch the mopusses, eh?
Cle. Indeed, pa, I'm reduced to despair to see you out of mourning.
All. First let's see the will. Time enough to mourn when I find there's something to rejoice at. I wish Caustic would come-busy day, Cleme. As sheriff, I must usher the judges into the town-as tradesman, must attend my customers ; so, what between the judges in the court, and the old women in the shop, I've my hands 'full.
Enter SEAVANT, L.
Enter Caustic and M'QUERY,
Mr. Attorney-come, bring chairs-read quick, never mind stops—busy day!
[Exit Servant, l. Cau. Miss Clementina, how do you do? These are rather gay habiliments for mourning.
Cle. Mr. Caustic, no observations. As pa says, read.
Cau. With all my heart-except the colour, gay as a bride.
Cle. Don't be impertinent, man.
Cau. And the head, too-heigho! Well, here is the will, and thus I break the seal-now for it.
All. Ay, now for it! [They all seat themselves.
Cau. (Reads.] “I, Sarah Sapless, spinster, being of sound and disposing mind, do make this my last will and testament. Imprimis, I bequeath to my worthy brotherin-law, Toby AllspiceAll. Oh, she was an excellent old woman!
[Pretends to u eep. Cau. “ Toby Allspice, the sum of five pounds—”. All. What? Cau. “ The sum of five pounds, to purchase a ring." All, A what? Cau. A ring: All. Fiddlededee! superannuated old fool !
Cau. Silence ! “And whereas my wayward fate has deprired me of the comforts of wedlock, and, as I sincerely believe that nothing can tend more to the benefit of society than promoting the happiness of faithful lovers"-Very extraordinary, this!" I do hereby bequeath to Walter Caustic, Esquire, all my estates, personal and real".
Cau. [Eagerly.] “I bequeath to Walter Caustic, Esquire, all my estates, personul and real,- in trust”.
[Dejectedly. Cle. Oh, in trust.
[Nodding and smiling. Cau. I hate trusts. Cle. Silence, sir! Go on.
Cau. “ In trust, to settle and convey the same as a marriage portion upon any young woman he may think worthy, who may be about to become a bride, within the space of one month after my decease."
All. Ecod, it's a queer one !
[Weeps. All. Cleme!
Cle. Do you know, pa, that being disappointed of thirty thousand pounds is extremely disagreeable ?
All. Very, Cleme.
[Turning over sheets. M'Que. That, you know, is description and specifica. tion; and saying it over and over again, to make the thing look plump and decent.
Cau. Now for the codicil!“ 1, the within-named Sarah Sapless, do make this codicil, which I do order and direct may be taken as part of my said will, and by which I do hereby bequeath to Phelim MʻQuery, my attorney, in lieu of his bill, one thousand pounds"-Very moderate recompense!
MQue, Very moderate! But 'tis enough--Oh! tis enough.
[Rises. Cau. This certainly is the most extraordinary; ha, ha, ha! To select me for the high priest of Hymen, to make me a wither'd Cupid, ha, ha, ha! [All rise.
Enter Shopman, L. Sho. The cavalcade is ready to move, and only waits for your honour.
All. Then get my gown and wig, and my white wand. 'Tis very awful.
Cau. You look alarmed - I've seen you before a judge without being frightened.
All. Ay; but that was when I was a greater man than the judge, foreman of the jury; and then I'm not afraid of the devil.
MʻQue. If you don't think my diffidence may increase your's, I'll attend.
Cau. Ob, no danger ?
All. Well, now I commence the perfect gemman. Damn it, stand back [TO M'Query.) I must go first. Dick, fill this box with backy. Roger, yoke the coach. [Exeunt Allspice and MʻQuery, L-Caustic is going,
when Clementina courtesies, and stops him. Cle. [Sobbing, R.] Mr. Caustic, you were polite enough to find fault with my dress. I'll alter my gown any way you please, sir.
Cau. (č.) So, here's a change ! [Aside.] By no means, ma'am.
Cle. But you have discernment, sir.
Cau. I have a little, ma'am. [Sarcastically.] Good morning.
Cle. When may we expect the honour of seeing you again, sir ?
Cau. Well remembered : Tangent will be here. Miss Clementina, I intend to introduce to you my nephew, Mr. Tangent. Should he come before I return, I hope you'll welcome bim.
Cle. [With vivacity.] Dear sir! Oh, oh! Mr. Tangent and I then are to be the bappy pair! (Aside.] Dear Mr. Caustic, I hope you have quite abandoned your gout. I declare and vow I was horrified at hearing you were ill.
Cau. Indeed, madam, I expected death.
Cle. Do you know that's extremely disagreeable. I hope you will make it a point to keep well, Mr. Caustic. Pray take care of the steps-if you should slip, I should scream in such a style, you have no idea. I must attend you.
Cau. You are too good. No.
Cle. I shall expire if I don't. Take care, dear Mr. Caustic!
(Exeunt, L. SCENE II.-- Allspice's Shop.-Two Shop Chairs at
Door in the c. F. Shopman and Woman discovered. Sho. I'm afraid, ma'am, you'll find the parcel rather heavy-I'll send it home. There's your change, ma'am.
[Exit Womun, c. D, F, Enter Tangent, C. D. Fo - Sits down in a chair, L. Tan. Shopman, is Mr. Caustic here? Sho. He's gone, sir, but will return presently. Tan. Very well; I'll wait for him. Sho. You'd better walk into the house, sir ;-the shop
Tan. [Sits and eats ruisins.] I like the shop. Is your mistress, Miss Clementina, within-Oh!
Sho. Yes, sir.
Tan. I don't much relish this affair. However, it humours old Caustic, so-d’ye hear? tell her Mr. Tangent wishes to pay his respects. What are you about ?
[Rises. Sho. Oh! I dare not go before miss with my apron on-she says it's vulgar. (Exit, after having put his apron on the chair, R.