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Pretty, but Scientific Governess. "PRAY, CAN WE OBTAIN A SPECIMEN OF THIS MINE?" Miner (gallantly). "WELL, MISS, THIS ERE'S A WORKED-OUT MINE, AND US THREE'S THE ONLY SPECIMENTS LEFT. 'UMBLE SERVICE, MISS, I'M SURE!!"

PROGRESS AND PEACE.

STEAM has worked many wonders, many more has electricity,
Which were expected greatly to increase mankind's felicity,
And Chemistry of marvels has accomplished a variety-
'Twas hoped they'd much conduce to the advancement of Society.

We've many faithful likenesses effected by Photography,
And even lovely woman now is learning Physiography
We've all sorts of conveniences, and comforts, and facilities,
Invented and contrived by men of curious abilities.

Successive wars and bloodshed, upon land and upon ocean,
Have been immensely furthered by our means of locomotion,
Cheap Press, magnetic telegraph, and rapid information,
May we derive more profit from extended education!

A PLEA FOR THE PIBROCH.

ON the 30th of November, being St. Andrew's Day, of course the friends of the Scottish Hospital Corporation celebrated their anniversary festival. The haggis, and collops, and brose, and parritch, with a variety of other creature comforts, and likewise the Farintosh and the Glenlivat, not to mention the Chambertin, and Lafite, and Château D'Yquem, were served up to the assembled brother Scots and Freemasons at the Tavern of the latter. The MACCALLUM MORE, otherwise called the DUKE OF ARGYLL, presided, and proposed the health of his Royal Sister-in-law that is to be with his usual felicity. The toast of the evening was, "The Scottish Corporation," and setting aside the banquet, we may, having a reasonable ear for music, present the following as an account of the treat:

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"The DUKE OF ARGYLL'S piper made the circuit of the room several times during dinner, playing The Campbells are Coming,' and other appropriate airs, in a duly boisterous and highly applauded manner. The band-boys of the Caledonian Hospital also roused the enthusiasm of the company by their clever manipulation of the Scotch national instrument."

AT YOUR

Considering the effect, which, as in the case above related, the bagpipe is capable of producing, a musician must wonder that at the higher class of Concerts, we are never gratified by a performance on that tuneful instrument. Why should it not be introduced into the Monday Pops" immediately, and next season into the Philharmonic? Suppose a Bag-pipe Oratorio, the orchestra playing the accompani ments to consist exclusively of bag-pipes, were produced at Exeter Hall. It might be entitled "St. Andrew." HANDEL having appropriated "Judas McCabeus."

BALL-PRACTICE AND BALLOONS.

"did

In a letter to the Times, describing his aërial voyage from Paris in a balloon, M. DE FONVIELLE relates that, in passing over the Prussians, he was hotly fired at by them from below. "Firing," he says, not prevent the balloon from continuing its way, and ascending to 3500 yards, when firing ceased. It is more brave than wise to fire at an enemy's balloon. By throwing out ballast the aeronaut can soon rise out of range. But suppose that, for ballast, he has taken up a quantity of grape-shot, and, when he wants to ascend above the reach of his foes, drops some of it on their heads. He is beyond the range of their missiles, but they are within that of his, and the higher he rises the heavier his shot must come down upon them.

Verses by a Vestryman.

THIS here Education Board interest creates : One thing I knows; it'll heighten the Rates.

PUZZLING HER TRADESMEN.

THE other day MRS. MALAPROP rather astonished the Chemist with whom she deals by asking him for some mitigated spirits of wine (for her egg-boiler). It was some time before it dawned upon him that she meant "methylated."

FIGHTING AT FOOT-BALL.

SURGEON" in the Times, aniAmadverting on a practice

called "hacking," gives an inventory of certain injuries thereby occasioned. Whether they were or no, it is notorious that such injuries are wont to be. He says:

"One boy with his collarbone broken, another with a severe injury to the groin, a third with a severe injury to his ankle, a fourth with a severe injury to his knee, and two others sent home on crutches, ought to be sufficient to call the attention of the Head Master to the culpable practice of hacking; practice which has nothing to do with the game, but which frequently injures for life, and is a licence for a malignant grudge." The Head Master above referred to is the Head Master of Rugby; the game is that of foot-ball. But for the mention of him and it in the foregoing passage one might imagine the letter in which it occurs to have been written at the seat of war, and to relate to wounds received in action.

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"Hacking," however, does not mean smiting with the edge of the sword, but, we are informed, is a synonym of kicking, which, when performed with a heavily-tipped boot, is capable of causing even worse injuries than those ordinarily inflicted by a cutting instrument.

This "hacking," we are further informed, in foot-ball, is permitted by the "Rugby Rules," which are the generally received laws of that game. These regulations render a player liable, under certain circumstances, to be kicked when down on the ground, and, as the account of the "BURGEON" above quoted shows, in any part of the body. His opponents are permitted to force the ball out of his clutch by any means other than fisticuffs.

Is it not advisable to amend this rule by simply reversing it, and directing that it shall be allowable to get the ball away by no greater violence than that of blows with the fist, and those only when the ballholder is on his legs? Then will the manly game of foot-ball be so far humanised as not to exceed in brutality the noble art of self-defence as normally practised in the prize-ring. If there is to be fighting at football, let it be fair.

MR. PUNCH,

SCHOOL BOARDS.

My thoughts, this last week, have been travelling from Bootle to Birmingham, from Southwark to Swansea, dwelling on the important events happening there and in various other places in London and the country. The School Board Elections, present and to come, set me thinking on a grave question-not whether education should be voluntary or compulsory, secular or religious, free or on payment of fees-but what guarantee the Ratepayers have that those they select to be Guardians of the ignorant and untaught, are themselves fairly acquainted with the ordinary branches of knowledge.

I have not heard or read that candidates for seats at Education Boards have been examined by the Civil Service Commissioners or the College of Preceptors: I fear that this desirable preliminary has been entirely overlooked, and that we have no proof of the competence of the Governors to govern; and as I am one of those who suspect that ignorance rages amongst the middle and higher, as well as the lower classes, I have uncomfortable misgivings as to the qualifications of some of the members of these new Election Parliaments.

It is, of course, now too late to rectify this error in those places where Boards have already been chosen; but, for the future, I hope MR. FORSTER will insist on candidates answering-to his and your satisfaction, Mr. Punch-a few easy, simple questions, before they are allowed to publish addresses, make speeches, and hire vehicles for the conveyance of Voters to the poll.

I have prepared a specimen paper containing only twelve questions in all, and I shall be curious to hear, either from you or the VicePresident of the Committee of Council on Education, whether the answers prove that I am right in my estimate of the amount of common knowledge possessed by those classes who will have the working of the new Act.

If my suggestion is adopted, the Candidates might assemble in a convenient room in the Town Hall, or other suitable public building, be supplied with writing materials, but no books of any description, and have from ten to four allowed them for the preparation of their

answers. An adequate number of influential Ratepayers should be requested to attend, to prevent copying, and to enforce the strictest silence-any lady or gentleman failing to observe the regulations would be at once disqualified for office for three years.

I will now, Mr. Punch, submit to you the questions I have drawn

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1. Give the dates of the following events :-the execution of CHARLES THE FIRST, the battles of Trafalgar and Waterloo, Gunpowder Plot, the Accession of GEORGE THE THIRD, the Great Fire of London, and the birth (within twenty years or so) of NAPOLEON, SHAKSPEARE, MILTON, and SIR ISAAC NEWTON.

2. Who were the Queens of JAMES THE FIRST and SECOND, and what was the fate of each of HENRY THE EIGHTH'S wives?

3. Explain briefly the following historical allusions:-the Massacre of St. Bartholomew, the Arrest of the Five Members, the Trial of the Seven Bishops, the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes, the Fall of the Western Empire, the Wars of the Roses, the Declaration of Independence, the Rye House Plot, the Cato Street Conspiracy, the Seven Years' War, the Hundred Days, and the Middle Ages.

4. Who wrote Don Quixote, Sir Charles Grandison, Absolom and Achitophel, The Dunciad. Orlando Furioso, The Vanity of Human Wishes, Lycidas, She Stoops to Conquer, Timon of Athens, Wilhelm Meister, The Decameron, and Peter Plymley's Letters?

5. Give a short account of any one of these processes :-brewing, tanning, paper-making, cotton-spinning, or the manufacture of gas or china. 6. How is the electric telegraph worked?

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7.

Explain the terms, "atmosphere," "electricity," " oxygen,' eclipses," "tides," "latitude," "longitude," "equator," " equinox, aorist, decimals," and the "North Pole."

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8. What is the geographical position of the Suez Canal, the Black Sea, the Dardanelles, the Straits of Gibraltar, the Apennines, the Cotswold Hills, Middlesborough, Paisley, Belfast, and the Caledonian Canal?

9. Write out the following arithmetical tables :-Troy, Avoirdupois, and Long Measure.

10. If seven men can dig a trench sixty feet long, three deep, and five wide in thirteen days, how many days will eleven men be digging a trench one hundred feet long, four deep, and seven and a half wide? 11. What was the "Lancasterian system of instruction, and that known as the "Madras," or DR. BELL'S? Who was PESTALOZZI, and what do you understand by "Kindergarten ? "

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12. Correct the spelling of the following sentence:-"On sevaral succesive days seperate parties came greatly exhilirated, and were recieved in an agreable manner by the new veterinary surgeon, MR. BARTHOLEMEW WHITE, who had that moment returned on his poney to a home where, posessed of independant means, he spent his lesure surounded with all the elegances of life, which, however, he could not appreciate, because of his vaccilating temperement, inherited from his father, the well-known apothecery, whose life was once in iminent danger from the falling of a neighbours' wall." IGNORAMUS.

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'NO SUCH LUCK."

Young Lady. "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL HAVE ITS DINNER."

Street-Sweeper (overhearing, and misapplying). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS! RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" [Ah but it was Fido she was speaking to

"LAST SCENE OF ALL!"

"The last struggle [at the Cattle Show] lay between the Devon heifer and the shorthorn steer which had been the crack beast of Birmingham Show, and this fine steer was decreed the victor. This is MR. PULVER'S great winner of the year, which, having carried off £121 worth of honours at Birmingham, £124 worth of prizes before that, now takes £110 more; making in all £355 of winnings. It has been sold to a butcher of Gloucester for £100."

A CONQUEROR'S NEW CROWN.

HAIL, EMPEROR OF GERMANY,
Arisen from Prussia's King!
Some glory, if not gain, to thee
This dismal war will bring-
To thee and FRITZ, thy valiant son,
If e'er he mount thy throne;
To whom besides, when all is done,
The truth if thou wilt own?

He who, survivor of the war,
Lives, having lost a limb,

That loss what shall repay him for?
Will glory comfort him?

What's to console the widow, left
In desolate estate,

And all the fatherless bereft

O what can compensate?

United Germany! That's good
For all mankind to see,

Thereby if human brotherhood
At all advanced may be.

Meanwhile mankind doth march, not on,
But quite the other way;

Thy people will be taxed anon;
That's all that we can say.

Full well and bravely have they fought;

Whereby what will they get?

As far as eye can yet see, nought
Except a load of debt.

The plight of France will be the worse,

Agression's righteous due;

But Germans will partake the curse
Of war, severely, too.

Victorious Germany, of France
Will be avenged, no doubt;
But for her murderous advance
On Denmark gets paid out.
There is a Nemesis that metes
Out justice, oft, to crime;

So that some warriors rue their feats
Here, on this shoal of Time.

O pious Prince, that Heaven dost praise
For thy permitted deeds,

Their meed, perhaps, just Heaven delays
To life which this succeeds.
For all thou wilt receive below

Is that Imperial Crown

Thou must, at longest, soon forego,

Thou soon mayst have plucked down.

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THREE BRITISH BLUNDERS.

This is sad. After all its honours and prizes, after being admired, and extolled, the United States Government respecting the Alabama WE made three great mistakes in our conduct towards and decorated, at Birmingham and in London and other applauding places, after flattering notices in the public prints, and beautiful portraits in illustrated affair. In the first place, we should never have admitted papers and on omnibus panels, after drawing all London and half the country to that we might possibly have been to blame at all. In the gaze on its handsome form and perfect proportions, after being discussed and next, on the contrary, we ought to have complained to criticised by the best judges of cattle-flesh in England, and patted and stroked them for not having agreed with us to abolish privateering. by some of its fairest, softest hands-to be bartered for a poor, paltry hundred In the third, we should have sent them in a tremendous pounds, to be sent, in cold blood, by its ungrateful owner-for whom it has won so bill on account of the loss which we had to sustain in much money and glory, making the name of PULVER for one whole week as consequence of the Cotton Famine. These are the things familiar to thousands and tens of thousands as BISMARCK or GAMBETTA-to the which, had our places been reversed, they would certainly have done themselves. butcher! It is hard.

O, PULVER, PULVER! We do not envy you your feelings, and cannot trust ourselves to think of the heart-rending separation between the doomed ox and its faithful herdsman. Poor short-horned and short-lived steer! thy fate, we fear, is irrevocable; but can no plan be devised to save thy rosetted successors in years to come at Islington from the shambles and the slaughter-house? The Smithfield Club, the Royal Agricultural Society, the Royal Humane Society, the Society of Arts-will not these and other bodies co-operate to guarantee future champion Devons and Herefords an honourable retirement and a happy old age? We only plead for them, but it is not without a struggle that we are mute on behalf of the leading sheep and the more eminent amongst the pigs.

Her New Lobby.

MRS. MALAPROP is collecting autocrats, and will be grateful for any specimens of the hand-writing of extinguished characters.

Warning to War-Makers.

M. CHAUDORDY has issued, for European perusal, a circular setting forth in detail the ravage, pillage, conflagration, slaughter, insult, and humiliation which the German troops, acting, he alleges, systematically under orders, are inflicting upon France. Horrible atrocities. Let us hope the French people will never, by abandoning themselves to Napoleonic ideas, and being led to invade their neighbours vaingloriously, draw the like upon themselves again.

INTELLECTUAL TREAT INDEED.

If you'd like a first-rate intellectual supper,

To St. James's Hall go, and hear TUPPER read TUPPER.

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DR. MANNING ON RIGHT AND WRONG.

A

RCHBISHOP MANNING is always
contributing to public amuse-
ment. "He has issued a Pas-
toral protesting against the
occupation of Rome by the Go-
vernment of Florence." This
reasonable manifesto contains
these words :-

"It is not, then, in the power,
because it is not in the right, of
any nation to destroy that which is
the joint inheritance of all. Nei-
ther is it in the right of any people,
for the gratifying of political aspi-1
rations, to destroy the fundamental
order of the Christian world. To

do so, is to apostatise from that Christian order; and no nation has a right to apostatise from the laws or the civilisation of Christianity. It is held, indeed, by certain modern politicians that a people has a right to choose its religion. But the right to choose carries with it also the right to reject; and no nation has a right to reject Christianity. It may, indeed have the power to apostatise, but it can never have the right."

No, certainly not. The right of the POPE, as the Vicegerent of Omniscience and Omnipotence, to reign absolutely over the Roman people, is with evident justice regarded by DR. MANNING as "the joint inheritance of all" Christian nations. So he naturally says, "We look with amazement and fear at the apathy and silence of the Governments of Europe." As to the inheritance of an absolute Pope-King of Rome, doubtless, the Governments of Europe too truly represent the peoples. Strange to say, they do not appear at all disposed to vindicate their inheritance! At this indisposition DR. MANNING may well look with amazement and fear." He cannot look on it without fear, and that on his own account, if he expects to be the next Pope. In that case he has the strongest reason to fear that he will not be allowed to govern unwilling subjects with his nod. His amazement is itself not at all amazing. No wonder DR. MANNING does not see that Governments and peoples must naturally consider that the less secular power a Priest who claims Infallibility can wield, the better. Of course they would think the more he had the better, if they did think him really infallible, as DR. MANNING believes him.

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Our titular Archbishop's notions of right are admirably sacerdotal. He admits no distinction between political right and theological right. No nation, he says, has a right to apostatise from Christianity. Theologically this is indisputable by Christians. But a Turk might also say, No nation has a right to apostatise from Mahometanism. Theologically, this would be equally undeniable by Mahometans. Let the Turk be anathema. Christianity and Popery, in DR. MANNING's view, are synonymous. Protestantism was an apostacy; the Protestant denominations have no right to exist. But they, like heretics as they are, think they have; then how is the question to be settled, except by fighting it out?

On the Continent there is only a little fighting now going on. Couldn't it be considerably extended? Nations fight for "prestige." Can't they also fight for the POPE? Oughtn't they? Ought there not to be a European war at present raging for the purpose of replacing the POPE on his temporal throne? What if it should prove another Thirty Years' War?

MR. PUNCH,

AN OBJECT OF PITY.

I AM Sorry for him. He has my pity, my commiseration, my sympathy. Perhaps he did not foresee what he would have to undergo; perhaps he does not even yet realise the seriousness of his position. Was there no one at hand to warn him, to point out to him all the consequences of the step he was taking? I fear it is now too late; but that he may not hereafter say he went to his fate without a single friendly caution, I will lift the curtain, and display to his startled gaze what there is awaiting him in the coming future. All his life long he will have to raise his hat.

His autograph will be in great request: possibly there may be a demand for portions of his hair; perhaps some very enthusiastic admirer will pay a large sum for the glass out of which he drank, when he "alighted for refreshment" at the Nonpareil Hotel,

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Shardlemere.

He must make up his mind to go to the Royal Academy and see himself on the walls in the Highland garb, in full evening dress, in the robes of the Order of the Garter, and in the Windsor uniform.

He will have the pleasure of reading biographical sketches of himself, and examining his own face and figure engraved on wood in the illustrated papers.

He will be a lucky man if he escapes being "interviewed" by the reporters for the Press.

He will have to make the acquaintance of Mayors and Corporations, Provosts and Baillies; to receive addresses, and to return suitable replies; and to dance the first set of quadrilles with the Lady Mayoress.

He will have to head subscription lists, to visit Bazaars and Fancy Fairs, to preside at public dinners and propose the toast of the evening, to attend the meetings of Associations, to sit on Royal Commissions, to inaugurate Exhibitions, to deliver speeches at distributions of prizes, to lay foundation stones and make bows in acknowledgment of one hundred and seventy-five purses, and to be conducted over gaols, hospitals, infirmaries, lunatic asylums, museums, reformatories, ruins, sailors' homes, and all the other places of local interest. He will become K.G., K.T., D.C.L., P.G.M. (he must of necessity be a Freemason), and F.R.S.; a High Steward, an Honorary Colonel, an ex officio Trustee, a Patron of the Anniversary Meeting of the Charity Children at St. Paul's, an Elder Brother, a Lord Rector, a Bencher of the Temple, a Doctor of Civil Law, a Governor of the Charter House, a Freeman of the Cities of London, Edinburgh, and Glasgow, and a Member of the Fishmongers' and Merchant Taylors' Companies; and it will be his duty to purchase and wear in public all kinds of antique and extraordinary uniforms, dresses, robes, costumes, and decorations.

He will go to and fro escorted by Rifle Corps and Yeomanry Cavalry, and be received by a Guard of Honour of the Honourable Artillery Company.

He will be constantly in the Court Circular.

He will have poems, plays, essays, and Christmas Books dedicated to him; and essences and perfumes, waltzes, galops, and quadrilles called after his name.

and acrostics.
He has been, and will be, the subject of thousands of conundrums

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And lastly, but not leastly, he will be the prey and victim of photographers at all times of his life, at all seasons of the year, and in all sorts of attitudes and costumes. Already the epidemic is ragingThe only alternative to a religious war is the recognition, for the "LORD LORNE (just out)." MARQUIS OF LORNE. Beautiful carte sake of peace, of the altogether to be condemned principle that Chris-portrait, in Highland costume, 1s. Id. by post. "According to the tians shall have the political right to turn Jews, if they like, and, if Glasgow Herald, a photographer in that city has received orders from discontented with their existing form of government, to change it for London House for 60 000 photographs of the MARQUIS OF LORNE." another, even should they choose MR. MOSES or MR. SOLOMONS to able photograph (carte de visite size) of the future husband of H.R.H. MESSRS. SWAMP & SWUMP have had the honour of taking an admirreign over them. DR. MANNING, of course, would, on the contrary, have such apostates delivered over to a secular arm under ecclesiastical the PRINCESS LOUISE," &c. guidance. And thinking, as he must, that the only right system of I conclude, Mr. Punch, as I began, by saying I am sorry for himgovernment in the world is the Papal, no doubt he would, if he could, for the MARQUIS OF LORNE. allow of no Jews anywhere but in a Ghetto.

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66

THE MAN WITH THE EYEGLASS.

P.S. How fortunate it is that the PRINCESS LOUISE having lived so much in Scotland has grown accustomed to the melody of the Bagpipes!

Episcopal Expedience.

"AT the foundation of a New Church by the BISHOP OF WINCHESTER, about £250 was collected on the spot: no small amusement being caused by the Bishop putting a practical end to the 'Bag v. Plate' controversy, by passing round his own Collegiate cap for the purpose of receiving the contributions." SOME pious folks have nurtured mental qualms, If it be fit in plates to gather alms; Wise WINTON, of their qualms a modest quencher, Not to be dished, sends round his humble trencher.

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NO. VI. MY MILITARY ACQUAINTANCE-BEING MEMOIRS OF PIPKIN.
E is five feet five and
a half in his slippers,
and five feet seven
in his boots, when
new. As his boots
get older so bis
martial height dimi-
nishes. He, as it
were, lowers the
standard.

believe, knowing PIPKIN (he was to have been a Captain-perhaps he is; indeed, I fancy that I have heard him say so at one period of a long evening, but he is a trifle silent on his Militia exploits, as a true hero always should be)-the tailor, so the legend runs, knowing our friend PIPKIN, requested money for the uniform in advance, which somewhat disgusted this tremendous warrior, and he resigned his command, after paying for one week's hire of military costume from NATHAN's-period unknown.

His term of endearment is "Old Man," for any one from eighteen to forty. I should say he knows very few men past forty; they know him by that time. The older PIPKIN becomes, the younger must be his intimates.

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I see him from the Club window, lounging down Pall Mall. Here come his little legs, looking as symmetrical as a Punch doll's, encased in tightish trousers, half ring-man, half trainer, with not the I don't know any slightest trace of the cavalry officer in either legs or boots, which look man more military as if they'd been picked up second-hand and widened out at the toes looking for his size with a glove-stretcher. Even his trousers seem as if they'd been left and circumference. him by a friend. Every one knows of the absurd conditions annexed I mention circum- to certain wills; some men have to drive a four-in-hand every day for ference because he a hundred thousand a-year; others to wind up a watch twice in an prides himself (at his afternoon, or visit the Monument after dark, or anything else equally tailor's) on having a absurd and ridiculous. I think little PIPKIN must be enjoying a legacy very big chest. Ac-on condition of wearing one pair of trousers, or never coming out in cording to his own anything but secondhand clothes and boots, the second gloss well on description he is the formery and the latter past polishing. He is dingy by daylight, but all chest, develop- as they say, "lights up well at night." Indeed, to see PIPKIN in a stall at ing the farther you the theatre, seated mind you, is a real imposition. PIPKIN, in a stall, as get from chin down- a half-length portrait, has a military bearing. One glance at PIPKIN, wards. But, after all, full length, dispels the illusion. He eschews gloves, except at evening anatomical nomen- parties, and then his gloves and tie can be done well at eighteenpence clature is arbitrary, the lot, and a profit to the cheap haberdasher. His hands are in So why shouldn't keeping with his military tone generally, and are, so to speak, uniform little PIPKIN call it with it, being of an emphatic and undisguised red. chest if he likes? By every law he has a right to do what he likes with his own,, nay even to performing the Japanese Tommy Trick of the Happy Despatch with his own sabre-if he had one. His whiskers are a kind of regulation clip, not unlike a pair of worn-out hairbrushes after coming out of the soda-water wash, and of about that brilliancy of colour. He is shaved late in the day, down some remote alley, for twopence-the Barber putting a penny on to his usual charge on account of the respectability of the connection.

Being shaved, as I have said, late in the day, there is, up to about three in the afternoon, a gentle tinge of blue about the lower part of his expressive countenance, which, being of a settled sunset hue (I mean it never gets below a certain point of colour), looks, on the whole, like a sort of Perpetual Perambulating Providential Promise of fine weather to-morrow. He would make an excellent sign for the Rainbow Tavern in Fleet Street, whenever that ancient hostelrie may require an advertisement. Indeed, it would pay PIPKIN to have his likeness taken in brilliant oils, and sell replicas of it to various public-houses. As a sort of MARQUIS OF GRANBY, Junior, in any uniform, he would be invaluable to no end of landlords up and down the country from Land's End to the North Pole. In previous states of existence he must have been a lobster boiled, then a rabbit, then a guinea-pig, and then he appears in the present stage of progression. But what he will be-except found out a humbug-it is impossible to speak with anything like certainty.

My Military Acquaintance, from having passed the greater part of his life in some place where there were barracks perpetually changing their occupants, has, himself, a really large circle of Military Acquaintances, of whom he talks, individually and collectively, as his bosom friends; that is when he is pretty sure that the person he is addressing is not well informed on the subject. This is a peculiar trait-among other peculiar traits-in the character of my Military Acquaintance; every one is "a capital fellow," or "a first-rate chap." Do you know CHIPTON, of the Forty-first?" PIPKIN will ask you. If you do happen to know CHIPTON intimately, and if CHIPTON be at all likely to turn up, then PIPKIN will be guarded in his statement respecting CHIPTON, of the Forty-first, and will merely say that "he knows him," without a qualification of any sort, except a sort of a knowing look, meant to imply that he could say something about CHIPTON if he liked, but he won't. In this case it is most likely that he has once met CHIPTON at the Regimental Mess, to which he has at some time or other induced one of the youngsters to invite him, where he perhaps sat next to CHIPTON, or remarked to him before dinner that it had or had not been a fine day. For on the strength of as much as this, PIPKIN would ask CHIPTON to do him a favour, and think nothing of it.

If, on the other hand, CHIPTON, of the Forty-first, being the subject of conversation, is in India, then little PIPKIN will be sure to "know him very well-intimately, his dearest friend, best fellow out-old CHIPTON!" and here he will break off, as if words failed him (which, indeed, they often do, specially good ones), to express all CHIPTON'S immense merits.

Martial ardour once led little PIPKIN into the Militia. The tailor, I

For his moustache he uses a great quantity of some horrid stuff called (I believe) "fixature," which makes both little stubbly points stand out as far as they'll go, like a clipped LOUIS NAPOLEON. They have about as much point as PIPKIN's jokes, which, indeed, are of the flattest kind. Apparently he melts down the fixature and washes in it as a made-up beauty is said to do with some sort of paste-as he has for the most part a gummy appearance, as if a postage-stamp external emollient aid. would adhere to his cheek affectionately propria motu, and without any

Yet have I heard ladies ask, "Is MR. PIPKIN in the army?" and I confess to a pleasurable feeling in being able to answer in the negative. But for all this he is my Military Acquaintance.

(To be resumed with our next Cigarette.)

BRAVE WORDS.

SAYS GENERAL FAIDHERBE, in his Proclamation to the "Army of the North" :

"M. GAMBETTA has declared that, to save France, he requires from you three things-discipline, morality, and contempt of death."

How can contempt of death be bred except by familiarity? When a man has died he may feel contempt for death, if he exists better off. Before death, to contemn death, if he thinks, he needs to be sure that death is contemptible.

Hyems and Hymen.

THE marriages continue to be vastly out-numbered by the births and deaths. One day last week the Times, announced eighteen births and as many as forty-one deaths, but only seven marriages. The cold weather may co-operate with the Married Women's Property Act. The sea-side is now not eligible for the honeymoon. Young couples would be likely to catch cold there, and then, if they took the most agreeable of remedies for that affection, their honeymoon would become a rumand-honeymoon.

The Irish Papists' Petition.

THE Irish Church you severed from the State;
Choose their own rule, you say, let foreign Powers:
Now, then, impose the reign which Romans hate
On Rome, because the POPE's religion's ours.

"UP ABOVE THE WORLD SO HIGH." EVEN in the realm of Nature all is not natural. The influence of our artificial state of society seems to be felt in scenes where it might have been thought all would be simple and unstudied, for in the last monthly history of the weather in the Times, we are surprised by the intrusion of "the conventional black cloud."

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