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Sir John. Well. I sent fifty guineas to COLONEL LOYD-LINDSAY's train. Lint and things. Now, DERSINGHAM, read out that fight. fund.

I said I wouldn't hear any more about the war, but it's awfully Lady Jane. Did you? That was right. But I did not see your name interesting. in the list.

Captain Dersingham. What'll it be when they begin to shell Paris ? Sir John. No, I distributed the money impartially among four I wish you'd arrange for editions by each train. initials, those of the four children. But tell us about this last scrim- Sir John. A good idea, and I will

, too. James, let nothing prevent mage, DERSINGHAM.

that box going; take the dog-cart, if there's any difficulty. Now, Mrs. Theydon. I don't want to hear it. Would it be of no use for DERSINGHAMthe QUEEN to write to the KING, and beg him to stop the war?

Captain Dersingham. The Prussians wanted to storm some heights The Colonel. Hardly the thing, you see.

by Neidelmanbaussen, or somewhere, no matter, and-stop, that's not Mrs. Theydon. The thing! and it might prevent thousands of poor interesting—there did I see-yes, read :—“The shells crashed into creatures from being slaughtered ?

the wood, and as the trees went down, the enemy was revealed to our The Colonel. Don't see how the King can be asked to stop. He marksmen below, who picked them off in scores, and the killed and didn't begin.

wounded came rolling down into the bright little river, which was Captain Tynne. No, but he was precious ready to go on.

soon choked up with bodies. We continued to rain shells, directed The Colonel. Well, would you have had him as unprepared as our with beautiful precision, until a tremendous explosion occurred, and fellows leave us ?

we instantly saw heads and limbs flying in the air, and" Captain Lynne. Don't believe we are unprepared.

Sir John.
Lady Jane. I hope we are-indeed, I hope we are. Then there is Captain Lynne.

Well done! That was the time to go in and some chance of our not meddling in other people's quarrels.

Mr. Theydon.

give it 'em hot. Sir John. I am as great a lover of peace as any man, but I must

Captain Dersingham. So they did. “Up went our noble fellows;

[The Ladies all walk away. Mrs. Theydon. Of course, I know. That we ought to be enlisting the bayonet came into play, and hundreds of soldiers, building thousands of ships, arming every Volun

Lady Jane. There is not one of those men, my dears, who would not teer with a mitrailleuse, and sticking up cannons at the end of every run under fire to save a wounded soldier, and yet how they gloat over

those stories. street-Income-tax three and sixpence in the pound-what do men care, if they once catch the war fever?

Mrs. Theydon. My opinion, LADY JANE, is that men are not accountSir John. Which reminds me, (calls) JAMES ! JAMES! Mind that able beings, so it doesn't matter what they do or say. big box, directed to St. Martin's Place, London, goes off by the 3:30

Miss Cookham. I have long been of that opinion also.

}

say that if

“ taken a

TO CORRESPONDENTS,

ORDINARY OCCURRENCES.
OME, all of you, and listen. LORD GORMANDALE, on the 31st ult., gave a pleasant pic-nic in his
Mr. Punch, begs leave to ac- Lordship’s grounds, at Grubwood. By way of novelty, an ox was
knowledge (without thanks) roasted whole.
827 jokes, literary or picto- A hen, belonging to MR. SPROUT, maltster, a short time ago, laid a
rial, on the word " Sedan,” single egg, of rather unusual magnitude. Yesterday, a brood of six
in connection with the mis chickens chipped the shell. Both the little birds and their mother are
fortunes of the ex-Emperor: doing uncommonly well.
239 ditto on the “Cost of SIR FONCER BULLFINCH, out shooting on the first of September, at
the War-a Napoleon." or Bramshaw, fired, as he supposed, at a hare in cover, and shot a fox.
"two Napoleons” : 134 (in Although the act was purely accidental, the misfortune of having been
addition to 553 previously the author, even by inadvertence, of vulpicide so preyed on the Hon.
acknowledged) on "Napo- Baronet's mind, that he took to his bed, and did not leave it till yester-
leon having left Eugénie day, having in the mean time, received from the members of the Horsey
for Nancy : 1354 on the Hunt their unanimous condolence, and exoneration from all censure.
King's having

A black-and-tan mouse was killed on Tuesday last, by a small terrier
Nap:” 72 on “Metz and of the same colour, at the flour-mill of MESSRS. HOPPER.
Steinmetz”: and 36 on We have this week to record a somewhat singular case of treasure-
Laon "

lay on, Mac- trove. In sawing through the trunk of an elm-tree, the base of which
duff." He gives notice that was destined to form a chopping-block for the use of MR. BLUEBELL,
after the publication of this butcher, of Bousfield, the workmen employed at MR. CHIPPS's timber
paragraph, the names and yard found their implement impeded by a hard substance, which
addresses of the Senders of turned out to be a halfpenny piece, of the reign of his Majesty,
any more facetia on the GEORGE THE THIRD, lodged in the centre of the tree. How it got
above topics will be placed there nobody knows.
in the hands of the Police, A popular dance-tune received a droll illustration on Friday morn-
and (as regards Parties who ing. A weasel, pursued by a poodle-dog, made for refuge to the shop
have had the amazing effron- of MR. GLOBEs, pawnbroker, where it ascended the spout.
tery to request “guerdon A Swan with two necks has appeared in the river at Stratford-on-

for their insipidities) of the Avon. Several persons have endeavoured to shoot it, but without old

Officers of the Mendicity effect.
Society.
PUNCH.

The rhinoceros in MR. Lyons's menagerie last night presented the elephant with a fine foal. This is the first instance on record of a pachydermatous hybrid, which, should it fortunately survive, will

doubtless prove no small attraction to zoologists. MORE RIGHTS FOR WOMEN. The following proposals of legislature on the Rights of Women will, it is understood, be discussed at the Social Science Congress as

Cries and Thiers. soon as it meets :

“Numbers embraced each other, in the streets, weeping for joy."- Telegram 1. The Establishment of a female Parliament, with a House of from Paris. Ladies, for the purpose of making and revising all laws which concern

O FRIENDS, don't “Blub” without a reason : women. The strong-minded woman by whom this subject will be

Let flags, not mouchoirs, be in sightintroduced will not fail to suggest that in each of the Houses of the

Keep the weak Tears for sitter season, Women's Parliament there shall be a Gentleman's Gallery.

Heed the brave Thiers who bids you fight.
2. The immediate enactment of a statute which shall render women
liable to serve on juries, so as to place them on an equality with men
as to the privilege of being tried by their peers.

Dear Old Soul!
MRS. RAMSBOTHAM is much offended at an observation in one of the

papers about the Serpentine mud. She read that though this had been A JOKE FOR GARIBALDI.

removed to dry, more than a year had passed, and “the mess was not It is whispered on 'Change that the German success will probably be yet Friable.” She cannot express her disgust at the idea of frying a Nice thing for Italy, with Savoy to Boot..

such a thing.

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A TYRANT. Nurse. “I CAN'T PEEL YOU ANY MORE SHRIMPS, MASTER ARTHUR. YOU'RE GETTING VERY TIRESOME ; AND I DO WISH YOUR HOLIDAYS WAS OVER."

Master Arthur. “I TELL YOU WHAT, MARY, YOU DON'T HALF FAG FOR A CHAP! WHY, AT SCHOOL I CAN ALWAYS HAVE A FELLOW TO WAIT ON ME—LACE MY Boots, AND DO EVERYTHING I TELL HIM !”

nations has provided to slaughter those men in a manner that is hardly A PROTEST AT BICESTER.

credible did we not know it was so." BICESTER has long been famous, on account of the extraordinary There ! People may observe, cynically, that it is of no use to say such occurrence which has been commemorated by one of our poets :- things. Perhaps it is not of much use, but it is fit that protest against

this infernal war should be incessant, and it has been well made in the There was an old Tailor of Bicester,

above simple straightforward language of one of the truest of English He went out to walk with his sister, When a bird called a Jay

gentlemen. It were well if officialism would condescend to say someTook the lady away,

thing of the same kind, in the name of this nation. Before the old gentleman missed her. In this poem, one of the choicest of its class, is preserved the memory of a kindly, but careless individual of the sartorial persuasion, who

A NEW TERROR IN WAR. good-naturedly took his relative for a walk, but omitted to pay her enough attention to prevent her falling a victim to ornithological cupi; sends us this (from the Pall Mall Gazette) begging that we will de

We have no desire to dwell on painfal matters, but a friend of ours dity. Some commentators think that the Cupidity refers to Cupid," and that the Jay was a gaily-attired chattering young officer, whose uniform nounce it as the most brutal thing that has been said during the War:and rattle fascinated the sister. But this interpretation savours of the “ When it was necessary to sign certain documents in connection with the teaching of a school already too potent, and we prefer to hold by the capitulation, no generals could be found. The Prussian Commandant retext.

marked, 'Gentlemen, I cannot do everything ; your generals know the duties All this, however, has nothing whatever to do with what we are imposed on them by the situation, but your generals are always asleep. It going to say, except that we have to mention Bicester. We merely appears to me that, under the circumstances, they might get up at six in the desired by means of our quotation to invite attention to a passage in

morning.' speech just delivered in the above town, by the Right Hon. JOSEPH Our friend who, when energetic gets up at 11:30, wants us to preach HENLEY, whose sentiments-malgré his honest Toryism-are always a sermon on the cruelty which is taught men by war, but we content sensible, healthy, and English. Said MR. HENLEY:

ourselves with leaving the tale in its nude and appalling shape. “Gentlemen, it is no matter whether it is gospel or not to talk about it, but everybody here and everywhere talks and thinks about the War, and nothing but the War; and I am sure at the present moment, living as we do

The Pipe and the Needle-Gun. in an age when Europe boasts itself to be learned, scientific, civilised, and above all other professions to be Christian, it is a terrible thing to see, as we

THE consumption of cigars and other tobacco by the German army have done within these past two months, how the

very matters that were con- is enormous. What has the Anti-Tobacco Society to say to it! Contrived for the comfort of mankind

have enabled nations to bring together sidering what shots the Germans are with their arms of precision, one suddenly immense masses of men, and employ the weapons which the skill of may observe that their fire is fully equal to their smoke.

a

EXIT IMPERATOR!

ANOTHER turn of Fortune's wheel,

That lifts so high, that lays so low; Of Life's strange cards another deal, Of Destiny's

dark dice a throw :
But turn or deal or cast,

Methinks, the last!
Has he not lived his life? A life

None ever lived before he came.
There is a time to quit the strife,
To throw one's hand up in the game.

" Jeu ne vaut pas chandelle".
He knows it well.

What if the candle's nigh burnt down,

Grows smoky, guttering, and dim ? Life's candle-end may cost a crown, That end must still be saved by him.

A light thence has been lit-
He'd husband it.

That pale and sorrow-stricken lad,

Too soon baptised with tears and fire. Why make his sad young life more sad ? Why so soon sever son and sire ?

For love, though it be pain,
Let him remain.

But wrong not always conquered, more

Than right could always wrong defeat:
Fair face still to our land he wore,
Nor e'er foul blow proved fair face cheat.

The false man Hugo drew

To us was true.
But not for pity can we turn

To wish him up out of the dust;
France has done well aside to spurn,

The rotten stay she sinned to trust.
Whom the time's need proves weak,

Unloved, must break.
However good and ill might cross

And, blending, blur themselves in him, To draw men round him was his loss, Who were all dark when he had dim

The most base most his friend :

And this the end !
But shall this pack that yelps and howls,

Jackal-like at his flying wheels,
Pays off base smiles with baser scowls,
And, as it slavered, snaps bis heels

Shall they the hand assail

That made them quail ?
Let those in France that scorned his sun,

Lift mouths to hoot him into shade.
Not those whose swift steps vied to run,
With necks low for his footstool laid :

But those who would not bow,

Should buffet now!
If of mixed metal he was wrought,

France, that obeyed him, what is she?
After he struck, her votes he sought;
Twice to his yoke she bowed the knee.

But Paris held aloof

Lo now, the Proof!
À bas! with whom, but with L'Empereur.

Vive! what? What but la République.
A day-an hour! La joie fait peur-
Shout, though it be with tongue in cheek!

What was up is pulled down

Smash Bees and Crown!
Whirl, Paris, round from pole to pole ;

Kiss, curse, laugh, cry, rave, dance and sing,
Forget the Prussians and their goal;
Give Revolution sweep and swing;

Up with Left! Down with Right !

To-morrow fight.
As yesterday so runs to-day-

Swift change, light mood, and whirling will;
Abiding never in one stay,
And still be fooled, and trusting still ;
While the foe at thy gate
Strikes swift and straight.

Who knows? There may be time in store

Short time most like, but calm and still;
To feed this mind with that life's lore,
And bend it to his well-schooled will.

Can he not teach, and muse,

And watch the news ?
At least, he challenged Death in fight;

Death, that smote many, passed him by :
Coward! When was crowned head judged right?
There's choice outside of " fight" or "die.”
Yes-he will live, and yield,
And void the field.

Perhaps he always knew, or thought,

That it would come to this at last, Whene'er to test of blows were brought Truth's marble and sham's plaster-cast.

He knew, the ware that sold,
Where 'twould not hold.

Does not the workman shape his tools,

Or choose the tools his work that fit ? While his task needed knaves and fools, The knaves and fools were there for it.

But bard war put him out,

And them, no doubt.
Was he the monster Hugo sung ?

All dead in him but lust and lie-
CARTOUCHE, his bandit troop among,
Who counts blood-gains in orgie sly,

Jove-Scapin, Grand Monarque MACAIRE, -
Was 't true or fair !

Caricature-how large so'er

The outline, masterly the hand; Strong colour, yes : hate's hues may glare, But truth's white light are weak to stand,

And this was not the man

Of Hugo's plan.
Mixed warp and woof in him, as all :

And in this miserable hour,
Soft thoughts come up to break his fall
So low, from such a height of power.
In Man and EMPEROR both
Some good found growth.

Robbery-Bobbery. RASCALDOM finds time to invent new phrases for old rogueries. Putting water into the milk can, in lieu of more valuable liquid previously stolen, is now called “Bobbing the Milk.”. “It is the custom," muttered a milk-thief who came last week under the unfavourable notice of a Beak. Could not Bobby do something against Bobbing ? We might give him a Lactometer, and bid him use it during early lounge. If it revealed adulteration, let him avenge the milk-can by a dig in the bread-basket. This would be a good specimen of provisional Government.

Lying (not) like Truth.
To Gaulois, Figaro, what shame,

If they attenuate stroke of ill ?
This is the rule that guides their game,

"French troops won't fly, and canards will."

The bounds, perhaps, of false and true

In that dark mind were blurred and worn,
Maybe, the clear air he ne'er drew,
That comes up with Truth's radiant morn.

Right and wrong fought in him
A battle dim.

MELANCHOLY. The year shows signs of burning itself out when we see the first ember-Sept-ember.

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