INSTRUMEN

CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. NEW CHAMBER OF HORRORS AT MADAME TUSSAU D'S. (The Right Man in the Right Place).—“DON'T BE AFRAID, YOU LITTLE GOOSE! IT'S ONLY WAX-WORK! WHY, I

RECOLLECT WHEN PEOPLE LIKE THAT WERE ALLOWED TO GO LOOSE ABOUT THE STREETS!" ALWAYS THE SEASON.-There is one out-door amusement METEOROLOGICAL.-How to find the Direction of the Wind. EMPLOYMENT OF Women.--A Young Lady is articled to a in our variable climate which may be pursued all the year Ask the Postman.

Solicitor, and set to Engross a Deed. She fills both sides of round, wet or dry-House-bunting.

The wretch who can stand in a pair of slippers worked

the parchment with writing, and then crosses it. If a man says to you, “By the way, how do you Spell for him by his wife, and scold her, is a brute who deserves Why is Salmon like a Sermon ?-Because you are always your name?" he usually means, "What the juice is it?" to have the gout in both feet.

glad when it's quite done, and you may cut away..

WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR

1870. January will be fine and bright, in fact quite a second summer, unless there should be a succession of storms of either wind, rain, or snow, or all three accompanied by intense cold. But this will make no positive alteration in the month itself.

February will be lovely. If it is not, write to our Office; any complaint shall meet with instant attention.

March, April, May - Prognos. tications for these three months give us most favourable expectations. Our readers will carefully notice for themselves in a pocketbook (say the most convenient form, Punch's Pocket Book) the changes of temperature, and we shall have great pleasure in comparing the notes so made with our own above-mentioned prognostications,

The same plan to be pursued with the other months.

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE

GREAT. JEREMY BENTHAM invariably fainted at the sight of a Veterinary Surgeon in evening costume.

COBBETT could not sit in the room with a French Milliner, nor LADY JANE GREY with a Distributor of Stamps. ARCHBISHOP TILLOTSON asked every stranger to whom he was introduced whether he had any relations in the Excise; if the answer was in the affirmative, the Prelate gazed at his chaplain, and instantly went out fishing : the cause of this singular antipathy has never been satisfactorily explained. KIRKE WHITE would go a mile out of his road to avoid meeting a waggon of bay. SHERIDAN turned pale at the sight of a corkscrew.

a

SCHOLASTIC. We

know naughty little boy who, having beard it said that "history repeats itself," pleaded this as an excuse for bis declining to attempt the repetition of a page or two of PINNOCK.

CACTION FOR COLLECIANS. Oxford and Cambridge cultivate athletic sports.

May the flower of the Universities not get plucked !

The wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre, deserves to be made to sit out a play.

While winding up your watch at night, think of the good acts you have done that day You will not overwind.

HORTICULTURAL. - An old song makes mention of a garden of delights, under the name of Cupid's Garden."

In Cupid's Garden, choose single flowers; and beware of widows' weeds.

It is idiotic to tell a real dream. But it is convenient to invent one if you want to annoy any. body, as nobody has a right to be offended at a dream, and nobody can prove that you didn't have it.

RAILWAYSare Aristocrats. They teach every man to know his own Station, and to stop there.

IMPROVED FROM THE LAUREATE. -“Better half a cab in England than a by-Cycle in Cathay.

A WARNING TO WAGS.-Respect my intellect, and don't tell me that the River Plate flows with gravy.

- AULD EDINBRO'!"
Saxon Traveller, “This is TOO BAD, WAITER! I TOLD YOU WE WANTED TO GO BY THE 9:30 TRAIN, AND
HERE'S BREAKFAST NOT READY !”

Celtic Waiter. “À VILL, SIR, FACIS, THE COOK Tar's A GLESS!"

DM THE VENUS OF MILO; OR, GIRLS OF TWO DIFFERENT PERIODS. Chorus. " LOOK AT HER BIG Foor! OA, WHAT A Waist !--AND WHAT A RIDICULOUS LITTLE HEAD!-AND NO CHIGNON! She's No LADY ! OH, WHAT A FRIGAT ! " SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.- Poor Smith was complaining of A PHILOSOPHER TO HIS FRIENDS.--To have brandy-and- POPULAR ERROR. — The idea that the Ostrich eats iron the bad sport he had had, owing, as he said, to the wildness water, you mix two things together. Very good. But may have arisen from the fact, that a bird of tbat kind was of his pointers. “Pointers !" exclaimed a friend, “then, if never do that in argument.

once seen to devour a piece of castaway bacon, which, being I were you, I should call them disap-pointers !”

“The GAMESTER." - What an absorbing passion is rusty, was described by a waggish naturalist as pig-iron. No CONTRADICTION.- Can a tall man have a short memory? gambling! A man told us tbe other day that he had been AN IDOL OF THE MARKET.-A butcher, asked what oxyYes, just as a short man can have a long sleep. tossing in his bed all night.

gen is, replied “Beef."

“POSITIVISM.” MAMMA is positive she left her keys on the drawing-room table only ten minutes ago. (They are in her pockel.)

Papa is positive there was at least half a bottle of sherry in the decanter at luncheon. (Two glasses and a half.)

TO CORRESPONDENTS. Poeticus.—No English ABBOTT has ever been mentioned as an author of poems; there was a PRIOR. Same idea, perhaps.

Derivatur.—The word prognostic was originally applied to the leader of the Sect of the Gnostics, who used to take bis followers out with him for a pic-nic, himself providing the luncheon and carrying the prog-basket. Written in full the word was, of course, Prog-Gnostic.

CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.
A FRIEND IN NEED.--"DID YOU RING, DUCHESS ?” “YES, THOMAS. HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS AN ENGLISH DICTIONARY ?" “ WELL, No—I FIND I DON'T

REQUIRE ONE. But-A-WHAT PARTICULAR WORD MAY YOUR GRACE HAPPEN TO Want ?”
NATURE AND ART.
VERY VULGAR SELL.

DARBY TO JOAN.
DISPENSINO with each artificial charm,
“You ought not to come to our dance in boots with nails

DRINK to me only with thine eyes, Still to delight mankind may Beauty bope ; in 'em."

If thou, my love, should'st bilious be : Yet who could hear without profound alarm “I haven't,"

Not only will 't approve thee wise,
That boastful Beauty had dispensed with soap? "Then you've had your toes cut off."

But it will leave more wine for me.
NURSERY GROUNDS.—The Parks.

TAE “TAP” Root.-Barley.

THE BATHERS' PARADISE.—The Mendip Hills.

RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC. First the Sun enters ARIES. Well

he may,

Because that Ram was never fed

on hay. Now Sol's in TAURUS. Up go

shares and stocks. Brave Bulls! John BULL shall

ne'er become John Ox.
O GEMINI ! Twins, you have

Phoebus got.
Ye Dioscuri-don't you find it

hot ?
Where art thou now, Apollo ?

List bis answer. “ Ha ha! I'm clutched, bere, by

the Sky-crab, CANCER.' Leo, thy sign, in British speech

the Lion, At this time entertaineth Hy

perion. Cynthius with Virgo for a while

doth tarry: Flirts with the girl he doesn't

mean to marry.

RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC.
SCORPIO bim now receives who

Python slew.
He killed a snake-won't kill a

scorpion too.
In LIBRA while the rays of Pythius

gleam, He causes neither scale to kick

the beam. Goat CAPRICORNUS holds the

source of light;
Let Taffy twang bis harp on

Snowdon's height.
Lo! Delius doth with SAGIT-

TARIUS dwell :
Remember Robin Hood, and

William Tell.
AQUARIUS offers Titan's steeds

the can:
Tom Tug was quite another

Waterman. 'Tween Pisces, lastly, Day's light

chariot rolls : The Sun will never fry his Pair of

Soles.

6, Two HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.”—This is absurd, and practically inconvenient. Reduce this proverb to utility. By approximation, thus: What is the next thing to a head ? A hat. If then we cannot have beads, let's have the next thing to it, and we obtain the result - "Two Huts are better than one."

SAYING FOR THE GEOGRAPHICAL SOCIETY. There is an island whose name is a negativeUshant.

THE BACHELOR'S TOAST.-Large fortunes and small waists!

A BUILDING SOCIETY.-A Beehive,

JUVENILE INTELLIGENCE.- Athletic sports are all the rage now in our nursery, and MASTER TOMMY, aged six, is about to start a newspaper in order to report them. We believe he means to cbristen it"The Skipping Gazette."

A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT.-A young visitor from the Havannah naturally expected a fine cigar when he was told of the Tower “ REGALIA."

A SUITABLE APPOINTMENT.- If the right man were always in the right place, the Chaplain-General to the Army would be the "Dean of Battle."

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT !
“ Mother." (at South Kensington). “EXECUTED IN TUT-T-T-T! LAUK A MUSSY, 'LIZA! WHAT DID THEM

FOREIGNERS WANT TO 'ANG THAT POOR INNOCENT-LOOKIN' YOUNG CREETUR' FOR I !?"

But you

“ FINE ART,” 1869. Rural Connoisseur. “He's A P'INTIN' Two PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE? 'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB THROUGH, THE BEST !" HINTS TO TOURISTS.

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE GREAT. When you are late for dinner at a table

FREDERICK THE GREAT had three pard'hote, be sure you make your entry with

ticular dislikes - pease-pudding, a bluo all the noise you can, in order to disturb

pocket-handkerchief with yellow spots, more punctual people. Growl and grum

and bell-ropos. SIR ISAAC NEWTON never ble savagely if your soup be getting cold,

crossed the threshold of a house in which or if, when helped to chicken, you only

white mice were kept. BURKE secreted find the drumstick. The fault, of course,

himself in the adjoining mews if parsnips will have been in a chief degree your

appeared on the dinner-table, having a own, and the dinner perhaps better than

rooted aversion to this esculent. QUEEN you get at your own table.

ANNE became hysterical at the slightest should never lose a chance of making a

allusion to a toasting-fork. CARDINAL complaint, that your neighbours may

WOLSEY shivered all over whenever he imagine you are some one of importance.

passed a brush-maker's shop. The scent If you have been educated in a public

of Russia leather threw MĀRY, Queen of school, and know nothing of languages,

Scots, into a tertian ague. If a naval except a few Greek paradigms and Latin

officer placed a German flute on the sidononsense verses, never bore yourself by

board, GRIMALDI immediately left town trying to pick up French or German.

for Brighton ; and to this day thousands Talk English on the Continent with a

of persons go into a passion at the sound slightly foreigu accent, which, you know,

of a street-organ. is certain to make it more intelligible. When people cannot understand you, raise your voice as though you fancied

TO EDITORS AND COMMENTATORS. they were deaf, and vent some Saxon ex

It is generally supposed that there is pletive upon them for their ignorance.

no mention of tobacco in SHAKSPEARE, But can any one doubt to what he is

referring when he says (in one of his The Telegraph, which is to be universal, is difficult of explanation to some

sonnets) ladies. Perbaps this way is the best.

“And keep invention in a noted weed ?”. “You know that if you rub a piece of

Burely be must mean improvements in sealing-wax hard, it will take up little

the manufacture of cigars. bits of paper." “Yes.” “Well, extend the principle, and you wi

seo how letters are conveyed by electricity.”

SAYINGS AND PROVERBS. “ THERE are cimes," said the pensive

“ Not for Josephus ! " as that worthy ALPHONSO, “at which I am quite inca

historian observed playfully, when some pable of writing poetry:" "Ah," said the

funny Jews attempted to cram him with cynical Bill, "those, then, are the times

stories for his own work. at which you write verse.

"I'll have your Hat!" as the ambitious FACT FOR FOREIGNERS.–Stonehenge is

Monk said sotto voce to the Cardinal. not in Flintshire. Hech I no, nor yet in Peebles.

ROBINSON says that he cannot express AN ASININE SAW.-" In for a penny,

in words the pity he feels for the man in for a pound ”-as the donkey said

who does not drink his best wine, but when he went astray.

keeps it for his friends. ROBINSON forJONES reads and yawns. So best. 'Tis

gives a woman for being such a slave to not polite.

her drawing-room that she is afraid to But we should do the same if Jones

use it, but a man should not be in awe of should-write.

his cellar. PROOF POSITIVE.

COMPANION SION TO THE “WELAN WHILE man talks of revising the Mar

Old Lady. “DO THEY SELL GOOD 'SPERRITS' AT THIS 'OUSE, MISTER ? " riage Service, practical woman has done

HARP."—The “Scotch Fiddle." it, en bloc. You are married by your 'Spectable-looking Man (Bul-). “Mos' D'SCHID'LY, Look 'r' (uic) Me, MAD'N-FOR “SOUND DUES."-Fees to Opera boxbanker's book. SHBV'N P'NIH A'PENNY ||"

.

MRS. JINGLETON, LEARNING THAT YOUNG M'SKIRLYGY (FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN Towx, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE OF

HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL ' OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.-HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS INSTRUMENT WAS !

NOTE ON THE VEMBER, --The Show may be geous spectac gorgeous is the Banquet.