Page images
PDF
EPUB
[subsumed][merged small][graphic][subsumed][subsumed][subsumed][subsumed][subsumed]

CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. NEW CHAMBER OF HORRORS AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S. (The Right Man in the Right Place).-" DON'T BE AFRAID, YOU LITTLE GOOSE! RECOLLECT WHEN PEOPLE LIKE THAT WERE ALLOWED TO GO LOOSE ABOUT THE STREETS!"

ALWAYS THE SEASON.-There is one out-door amusement in our variable climate which may be pursued all the year round, wet or dry-House-hunting.

Ir a man says to you, "By the way, how do you Spell your name?" he usually means, "What the juice is it?"

WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR

1870.

January will be fine and bright, in fact quite a second summer, unless there should be a succession of storms of either wind, rain, or snow, or all three accompanied by intense cold. But this will make no positive alteration in the month itself.

February will be lovely. If it is not, write to our Office; any complaint shall meet with instant attention.

March, April, May-Prognostications for these three months give us most favourable expectations Our readers will carefully notice for themselves in a pocketbook (say the most convenient form, Punch's Pocket-Book) the changes of temperature, and we shall have great pleasure in comparing the notes so made with our own above-mentioned prognostications.

The same plan to be pursued with the other months.

a

SCHOLASTIC. -We know naughty little boy who, having beard it said that "history repeats itself." pleaded this as an excuse for his declining to attempt the repetition of a page or two of PINNOCK.

CAUTION FOR COLLEGIANS.Oxford and Cambridge cultivate athletic sports. May the flower of the Universities not get plucked!

THE wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre, deserves to be made to sit out a play.

WHILE winding up your watch at night, think of the good acts you have done that day You will not overwind.

METEOROLOGICAL-How to find the Direction of the Wind. Ask the Postman.

THE wretch who can stand in a pair of slippers worked for him by his wife, and scold her, is a brute who deserves to have the gout in both feet.

IT'S ONLY WAX-WORK! WHY, I

EMPLOYMENT OF WOMEN.-A Young Lady is articled to a Solicitor, and set to Engross a Deed. She fills both sides of the parchment with writing, and then crosses it. WHY is Salmon like a Sermon ?-Because you are always glad when it's quite done, and you may cut away..

[graphic][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE GREAT.

JEREMY BENTHAM invariably fainted at the sight of a Veterinary Surgeon in evening costume. COBBETT could not sit in the room with a French Milliner, nor LADY JANE GREY with a Distributor of Stamps. ARCHBISHOP TILLOTSON asked every stranger to whom he was introduced whether he had any relations in the Excise; if the answer was in the affirmative, the Prelate gazed at his chaplain, and instantly went out fishing: the cause of this singular antipathy has never been satisfactorily explained. KIRKE WHITE would go a mile out of his road to avoid meeting a waggon of hay. SHERIDAN turned pale at the sight of a corkscrew.

[merged small][ocr errors]

IT is idiotic to tell a real dream. But it is convenient to invent one if you want to annoy anybody, as nobody has a right to be offended at a dream, and nobody can prove that you didn't have it.

RAILWAYS are Aristocrats. They teach every man to know his own Station, and to stop there. IMPROVED FROM THE LAUREATE. "Better half a cab in England than a by-Cycle in Cathay."

A WARNING TO WAGS.-Respect my intellect, and don't tell me that the River Plate flows with gravy.

[graphic]
[ocr errors]

THE VENUS OF MILO; OR, GIRLS OF TWO DIFFERENT PERIODS. Chorus. "LOOK AT HER BIG FOOT! OH, WHAT A WAIST!-AND WHAT A RIDICULOUS LITTLE HEAD!-AND no CHIGNON!

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.-Poor SMITH was complaining of the bad sport he had had, owing, as he said, to the wildness of his pointers. "Pointers!" exclaimed a friend, "then, if I were you, I should call them disap-pointers!"

NO CONTRADICTION.-Can a tall man have a short memory? Yes, just as a short man can have a long sleep.

"POSITIVISM."

MAMMA is positive she left her keys on the drawing-room table only ten minutes ago. (They are in her pocket.)

Papa is positive there was at least half a bottle of sherry_in the decanter at luncheon. (Two glasses and a half.)

GEORGINA is positive ERNEST was talking to that odious KATE HOVERINGHAM, at MRS. THURGARTON's party, for full threequarters of an hour. (Ten minutes.)

ELEANOR is positive she has not a single dress fit to wear at MRS. BUDBY TANKERVILLE's lawn party. (Four, at least.)

And ELIZABETH (nursery-maid) is positive she did not stop talking to her "Cousin " more than ten minutes when she was out with Master ARTHUR in the Park. (Three-quarters of an hour.)

LOVE IN THE PAINT-BOX. A REMARKABLE discovery has been made in colours. Like plants and triangles they are found to be susceptible of the tender passion. Our authority for this assertion is the following unblushing statement-" Blue is the coldest and most retiring of all colours: its complementary, orange, the warmest and most advancing." Oh, prudish blue, oh, forward orange!

No COSTS.-If you want to enjoy the luxury of law for nothing, all you have to do is to prosecute an inquiry.

AGGRAVATING. To be told, when you are wet through, that it is a beautiful rain and good for the country.

A PHILOSOPHER TO HIS FRIENDS.-To have brandy-andwater, you mix two things together. Very good. But never do that in argument.

"THE GAMESTER." - What an absorbing passion is gambling! A man told us the other day that he had been tossing in his bed all night.

PROGRESS OF SCIENCE, 1869.

SHE'S NO LADY! OH, WHAT A FRIGHT!"

POPULAR ERROR.-The idea that the Ostrich eats iron may have arisen from the fact, that a bird of that kind was once seen to devour a piece of castaway bacon, which, being rusty, was described by a waggish naturalist as pig-iron. AN IDOL OF THE MARKET.-A butcher, asked what oxygen is, replied "Beef."

[graphic]

Hairdresser. "SHALL 1-BLOW DOWN YOUR NECK BY MACHINERY, SIR?

?!" [Startled customer submits, and prefers it to the usual mode of ventilation.

TO CORRESPONDENTS. Poeticus.-No English ABBOTT has ever been mentioned as an author of poems; there was a PRIOR. Same idea, perhaps.

Derivatur.-The word prognostic was originally applied to the leader of the Sect of the Gnostics, who used to take his followers out with him for a pic-nic, himself providing the luncheon and carrying the prog-basket. Written in full the word was, of course, Prog-Gnostic.

Bicycle.-Electric Bicycles will appear in 1870. We predict thisdon't forget.

Goodwood.-Yes, you are right. THAT IS THE HORSE WHICH WILL WIN THE DERBY OF 1870.

SCIENTIFIC GOSSIP.

THE Botanical Gardens in the Regent's Park have recently received most valuable additions in a pair of boot-trees and a fine rum-shrub. The grand climacteric is now in full perfection, and the overland Root spreads rapidly. The railway "plant" continues to be a great attraction. Branches of the aristocracy are frequently found in the Gardens in the summer months, with many sprigs and youthful scions of nobility.

PRO BONO-There is one firstrate joint that comes to table which is the cockney's prime aversion-the H. bone.

WE have read "Bray a fool in a mortar." Is this what is meant by "Pound foolish?"

GIVE every man his due, and his Mountain Dew if he claims it.

[graphic][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]
[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

"YES, THOMAS.

HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS AN ENGLISH DICTIONARY?" BUT-A-WHAT PARTICULAR WORD MAY YOUR GRACE HAPPEN TO WANT?"

VERY VULGAR SELL.

"You ought not to come to our dance in boots with nails

in 'em.

[ocr errors]

"I haven't."

"Then you've had your toes cut off."

THE "TAP" ROOT.-Barley.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!

"WELL, NO-I FIND I DON'T

DARBY TO JOAN.
DRINK to me only with thine eyes,
If thou, my love, should'st bilious be:
Not only will 't approve thee wise,

But it will leave more wine for me.
THE BATHERS' PARADISE.-The Mendip Hills.

[graphic]

"Mother" (at South Kensington). "EXECUTED IN- TUT-T-T-T! LAUK A MUSSY, 'LIZA! WHAT DID THEM FOREIGNERS WANT TO 'ANG THAT POOR INNOCENT-LOOKIN' YOUNG CREETUR' FOR!!?"

RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC. SCORPIO him now receives who Python slew.

He killed a snake-won't kill a scorpion too.

In LIBRA while the rays of Pythius

gleam,

He causes neither scale to kick

the beam.

Goat CAPRICORNUS holds the source of light;

Let Taffy twang his harp on Snowdon's height.

Lo! Delius doth with SAGIT

TARIUS dwell:

[blocks in formation]

JUVENILE INTELLIGENCE.-Athletic sports are all the rage now our nursery, and MASTER TOMMY, aged six, is about to start a newspaper in order to report them. We believe he means to christen it "The Skipping Gazette."

A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT.-A young visitor from the Havannah naturally expected a fine cigar when he was told of the Tower "REGALIA."

A SUITABLE APPOINTMENT.-If the right man were always in the right place, the Chaplain-General to the Army would be the "Dean of Battle."

[graphic][subsumed][merged small][merged small]

Rural Connoisseur. "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE? 'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB THROUGH, THE BEST!"

[graphic]

HINTS TO TOURISTS.

WHEN you are late for dinner at a table d'hôte, be sure you make your entry with all the noise you can, in order to disturb more punctual people. Growl and grumble savagely if your soup be getting cold, or if, when helped to chicken, you only find the drumstick. The fault, of course, will have been in a chief degree your own, and the dinner perhaps better than you get at your own table.

But you should never lose a chance of making a complaint, that your neighbours may imagine you are some one of importance.

If you have been educated in a public school, and know nothing of languages, except a few Greek paradigms and Latin nonsense verses, never bore yourself by trying to pick up French or German. Talk English on the Continent with a slightly foreign accent, which, you know, is certain to make it more intelligible. When people cannot understand you, raise your voice as though you fancied they were deaf, and vent some Saxon expletive upon them for their ignorance.

THE Telegraph, which is to be universal, is difficult of explanation to some ladies. Perhaps this way is the best. "You know that if you rub a piece of sealing-wax hard, it will take up little bits of paper." "Yes." "Well, extend the principle, and you will see how letters are conveyed by electricity."

"THERE are times," said the pensive ALPHONSO, "at which I am quite incapable of writing poetry." "Ah," said the cynical BILL, those, then, are the times at which you write verse."

FACT FOR FOREIGNERS.-Stonehenge is not in Flintshire. Hech! no, nor yet in Peebles.

AN ASININE SAW.-" In for a penny, in for a pound"-as the donkey said when he went astray.

JONES reads and yawns. So best. 'Tis not polite.

But we should do the same if JONES should-write.

WHILE man talks of revising the Marriage Service, practical woman has done it, en bloc. You are married by your banker's book.

PROOF POSITIVE.

Old Lady. "DO THEY SELL GOOD 'SPERRITS' AT THIS 'OUSE, MISTER?" 'Spectable-looking Man (But-). "Mos' D'SCHID'LY, LOOK 'T (HIC) ME, MAD'M-FOR SHEV'N P'NSH A'PENNY!!"

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE GREAT.

FREDERICK THE GREAT had three particular dislikes - pease-pudding, a blue pocket-handkerchief with yellow spots, and bell-ropes. SIR ISAAC NEWTON never crossed the threshold of a house in which white mice were kept. BURKE secreted himself in the adjoining mews if parsnips appeared on the dinner-table, having a rooted aversion to this esculent. QUEEN ANNE became hysterical at the slightest allusion to a toasting-fork. CARDINAL WOLSEY shivered all over whenever he passed a brush-maker's shop. The scent of Russia leather threw MARY, Queen of Scots, into a tertian ague. If a naval officer placed a German flute on the sideboard, GRIMALDI immediately left town for Brighton; and to this day thousands of persons go into a passion at the sound of a street-organ.

TO EDITORS AND COMMENTATORS.

IT is generally supposed that there is no mention of tobacco in SHAKSPEARE. But can any one doubt to what he is referring when he says (in one of his sonnets)

"And keep invention in a noted weed?" Surely be must mean improvements in the manufacture of cigars.

SAYINGS AND PROVERBS.

"Not for Josephus!" as that worthy historian observed playfully, when some funny Jews attempted to cram him with stories for his own work.

"I'll have your Hat!" as the ambitious Monk said sotto voce to the Cardinal.

ROBINSON says that he cannot express in words the pity he feels for the man who does not drink his best wine, but keeps it for his friends. ROBINSON forgives a woman for being such a slave to her drawing-room that she is afraid to use it, but a man should not be in awe of his cellar.

COMPANION SIGN TO THE "WELSH HARP."-The "Scotch Fiddle."

"SOUND DUES."-Fees to Opera boxkeepers.

[graphic][merged small][subsumed][merged small][merged small][graphic][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]

MRS. JINGLETON, LEARNING THAT YOUNG M'SKIRLYGY

(FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.-HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS INSTRUMENT WAS!

He.

And 0,
A home

She. Changed,

He.

by the

Far, far She. But near t Both. Where w

as long

NOTE ON THE VEMBER. The Show may be

geous spectac gorgeous is the Banquet.

« PreviousContinue »