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COMPETITIVE CABMEN.

THE QUEST OF THE HOLY POKER.
HY should not cabmen be

(A Fragment overlooked by the Poet-Laureate.)
elected by public competi-
tion, as well as other civil-

Thus ebb’d and flow'd the ocean of small talk
perhaps, not too civil-ser-

Between us twain, we wending, till, at length, vants ? Free trade has

We neared the yawning chasm but newly bridged failed at present to improve

By Cyclopean art, too fondly deemed them or their vehicles, as

Omnipotent; since steps of restless men
we fondly hoped it might.

And thundering wains had rent the granite piers
Where are the new nine-

That bore the mass. We passed to where the wand
penny-a-milers we were pro-

Of magian deft had smit down Middle Row mised, with their drivers

And given Holborn to the smile of Day dressed in livery and handing

And MARTIN: turned the angle of the street us a ticket with their num

Where CHATTERTON, indignant, spurned the world ; bers and their fares We

When lo, upon our gaze monastic piles may as well expect to find

Flashed suddenly; and many a sad-robed priest an oyster in a cabbage as a

And spinster, habited in garb of eld, ticket proffered to us when

Sped ever to the shrine. Awhile we stood we jump into a cab. Yet

Musing of Time's mutations, as we marked what is possible in Paris

How strangely showed the ways of Moyen Age may be surely done in Lon.

Cropping above this nineteenth century.
don, if Parliament so please,

So found I then a voice : "And deemest thou,
Repeal the Act of last year,

Young neophyte, the object of thy searel,
which is virtually valueless,

The Holy Poker of Mosaic fame, and give more power to the

Lies yonder in St. Alban's sanctuary ?." elbows of inspectors and

He, wondering, spread abroad bis cloak of serge, police. Refuse to license

Wrought in correctest shape by Cox & Co., rickety hansoms and ram

And underneath his wide-rimmed billycock, shackle four-wheelers, such

Showing a face all wan with pious fasts as now for dirty night-work

And lengthened macerations, thus unbosomed
prowl about the streets.

His ardent hopes.
Encourage conscientious

“ Was it not yonder priest,
ness, civility and cleanliness

The holy HERIOT, who, in former days,
by every practicable means.

Led, to the blazing of five hundred dips,
Give rewards for all the articles, especially umbrellas, which are

The faithful in procession! Was't not he
brought to the Lost Office when left in any cab. Dismiss all drunkards,

Who, when the Arches Court forbade to kneel, and extortioners, and users of foul language, upon the first well

Fell back on genuflexions, splitting hairs P proved offence. Encourage competition for every vacant drivership,

And, when he “elevated," drew the line and choose the right man for the place by the test of an examination

At the low limit of his proper cranium ? paper such as this :

Is it not here that every olden rite

And custom banished by the advancing tide 1. How long have you studied the topography of London! And to Of common sense (so-called)

yet liveth still
what points of the suburbs does your knowledge now extend ?

With feline immortality? Then here
2. Describe the shortest cut from Highbury to Houndsditch; and We well may deem, if doomed at all to find
state by what routes you would drive a countryman, a foreigner, and The relic, that success shall crown our quest.”
a London lawyer's clerk; and what would be the fare demanded in
each case.

So saying, we sought the cloister. Yet before
3. When you are asked to carry luggage from your cab into a house, Its ponderous gate clashed on our entering steps,
whereof the door is opened by a footman in plush breeches, do you or

A passing minstrel, fresh from Leather Lane,
not consider you are privileged to grumble, unless paid a shilling extra

Of garb Italian, tuned his organ-pipe for saving him the job?

To accents of contagious melody 4. Under what provocation do you deem yourself entitled to call a

Sung nightly by the bards in WESTON's Hall : no gentleman "? Would you do so for his giving you a trifle

And from the circling crowd, one little voice, less than double what you know is the right fare?

Clear as the shrill pipe of an Echo-boy, 5. If you found left in your cab a purse of coin, an opera-glass, a

Took up the sweet refrain-Act on the Square.
packet of sandwiches, a cigar-case, a portmanteau, an overcoat, a

SONG.
pocket-book, a flask of sherry, an old walking-stick and a bran new silk
umbrella, which
of these articles, if any, would you take to Scotland

I.
Yard ?

“O ye who seek to find, yet, seeking, miss
6. If you were hailed simultaneously by a gentleman with a small

The seeker's goal, and crown of all success :
hand-bag and a gentleman with three ladies and a quantity of luggage,

If seeking, still ye search-Act on the Square.
by whom would you consider that you were first engaged?
7. Under what circumstances do you think it pays to be insulting to

II.
a lady?

Fain would ye hear the words from friendly lips 8. With what per-centage of excess upon the proper legal fare do

Fall like a benediction 'All serene p'
you consider yourself satisfied, after candidly professing utter ignorance

Be this your motto still— Act on the Square.
of distance, and humbly saying to a swell that " you leaves it to his
honour”?
9. Do you consider yourself privileged to smoke inside your cab?

O sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, flying south,
And if so, what excuses can you invent for doing so ?

Or east, or west, or north-north-east-by-east!
10. How much short of half a sovereign would tempt you on a wet

Be this thy chart of flight-Act on the Square."
night from Regent Street to Hampstead
11. Suppose a swell in Piccadilly were to tell you to drive him to

Deeming the words prophetic of our quest,
Whitechapel, in how many miles and hours would you reach your

We left the world behind the gate, and passed.
destination? What amount of fare would your honesty of conscience
permit you to demand? And, in case of a dispute, what vehemence of
language could you adduce to back your statement that “the streets

A Suggestion for Mr. Scudamore.
is most all hup, and so we 'ad to come a bit sirskewertous”?
12. When hired by the hour, has your wish to give good money’s-

THE Clerk in the Government Telegraph Office that really wants worth ever lured you to such speed, that you have felt yourself in cashiering is the Clerk

of the Weather. He has been a general nuisance danger of a fine for furious driving ?

lately, and has done all he could to upset the new system, with only

too much success. THE REAL BRIDGEWATER CANAL.-The Voter's Breeches-Pocket.

A LAW SUIT.-Wig, Gown, and Bands.

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LOOK AT THE CLOCK,

THE CAB OF NO COLOURS. (4 Hint to the Bench.)

A GOOD many cabs are now seen surmounted with the flag specifying The Dublin Church Convention has been a characteristically their fares, prescribed by the HOME SECRETARY. Not a few, however, stormy one-especially on the question of the episcopal veto. The sarily from mere contumacy on the part of the cabman or his employer.

remain unprovided with any such ensign. Wherefore ? Not necesBishops wanted an absolute power of saying no to any proposal

, lay In general

, probably, because Cabby, having no idea of any definite or clerical. This has been refused them point-blank. the DEAN OF CASHEL proposed that when two-thirds of the lay and mileage, or charge per hour in his mind, feels really unable to hoist clerical orders agreed, and the bishops opposed, the whole Convention any standard of terms. He means to leave his payment to spontaneous should vote, and might pass the measure over the

bishops' heads. On munificence, or to parsimony exalted into munificence by grumbling this LORD ABERCORN moved an amendment that a concurrence of seven and sarcasm. How to tabulate this proposal of fares he does not know. bishops should be necessary to give effect to the episcopal veto. There Therefore he cannot tell what flag to order. Let a proper ono be seems to have been a sad

muddle in the conduct of the voting on these provided for him, to hand. It must display no figures, only an inpropositions. GENERAL DUNNE objected, first, that the amendment was scription, His flag, should be charged with the legend,'" Leave it to put after the hour for adjournment. Then, that several speakers were you, Sir.". That is the banner which the now bannerless Cabby would unfairly estopped from speaking on the resolution; finally, that the

like to drive under. President-Primate declared the amendment carried, though a division was called for.

POSSIBLE PUBLICATIONS. The Primate, after explaining that the Church, in its present destitute condition, “had not been able to establish a clock,” threw the blame If it be true that nothing succeeds like success, we may expect that on his walch, which he said, like many other things, was out of order. certain novels which have lately been successful will, ere long, be sucIt had lost a quarter of an hour, and when its owner thought it was ceeded by successors like the following :only five o'clock, it was, in fact, a quarter past. The Primate is not on the Box: a 'Busman's Story, written by the Author of Beneath the the first dignified Churchman who has trusted an untrustworthy dial, and found himself" behind the times” in consequence, by a good deal What his Eye Saro: a Companion Story to the tale of What her Face

Wheels. more than a quarter of an hour. Thanks to disestablishment, the Irish bishops are beginning to find out the time of day, even without a The Golden Ophicleide : Variations on the tune of “ The Tin Trumpet.

Said. clock. Their brethren of the English bench still trust to the clock of The Brains of Bernard: by the Author of The Tallants of Barton. the House of Lords, and have not yet been forced by bitter experience Next Week, a Tale of To-Morrows : being a Sequel to Hitherto, a Story and hard facts to realise” the discovery how very much too slow is that antiquated time-piece.

of Yesterdays. Goeth Down like a Skittle : a Novel by the Author of Cometh up like a

Flower. QUESTION BY OUR LITTLE BOY. " Sus” is Latin for pig, and "cædo' means to kill. Please, then, ONE UNCOMMON FEATURE ABOUT THE LAST NOTTINGHAM ELECmay a pork-butcher be said to commit suicide, when he kills a pig ? TION.-Lamb without Mint Sauce.

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A PUZZLE FROM PARIS.

A FINE HEAD OF HUMBUG.
UR intelligence is puzzled to WHEN will it become impossible for a respectable newspaper to
make out this fashionable publish the advertisement of a parcel of fibs such as that which we
morsel of intelligence :- proceed to quote? It has been appearing for nearly the last two
"Imagine a skirt of groseille

months :-
faille ornamented on the front
, BEAT

EAUTIFUL HAIR FOR 1870.-Renew your Youth with the New

Year. Get at once a bottle of -'s WORLD'S HAIR RESTORER. of old Bruges guipure, framed Bee how surely and quickly it does its work." as it were with a double bouillonné of velvet, of the shade Paralysis ? No, let us hope. But yes, if it contains lead. Pour called prune de Monsieur, into a small wineglassful of the "World's Hair Restorer” a few drops Bodice with a point in front and of solution of iodide of potassium in water. If the mixture turns deep a basque at the back, made of yellow, the "World's Hair Restorer” does contain lead. But the prune de Monsieur faille, cut work which you are invited to see how surely and quickly it does is low and square in front, and that stated as follows :trimmed with a band of Bruges guipure arranged as braces." "Grey hair restored (not dyed) to its original colour, gloss, and beauty' By the aid of a French the thin' hair thickened and new

growth promoted."
dictionary, we learn that Any application whatsoever which changes the colour of grey hair
'groseille

means a goose surely and quickly must be a dye.
berry, and "faillea fault,
or excavation; that "tablier

It must be a dye,
a chessboard, and

That stuff that you buy, bouillonné" a bubbling.

Like a fool that you are for believing a lie.
But this knowledge only The remainder of this puff of the "World's Hair Restorer” may be
serves still more to puzzle said to contain a certain amount of statement which, to be sure, is not
and perplex us, and confuse the reverse of fact :-
the picture which our strong

“No pomade or oil is required with it."
imagination is challenged to
conceive. We also find that That may be. But as to the assertion that:-
'prune de Monsieur" simply
means an Orleans plum; and

" It is sure, safe, and reliable." we may admit that the colour of this fruit is certainly a plummy colour Its sureness, simpletons may need to be told, can depend only on its for a dress. But how can we imagine a lady wearing articles so mas chemical action, which makes it inevitably stain the hair; if it is sure, it culine as " braces,” unless, indeed, she does so in a figurative manner, is surely a dye. Its safety depends on the questionable point, whether it with certain other clothing, which indicates the grey mare to be the contains lead or any other poison; say mercury-calomel for instance. better horse ?

Try it for calomel. Shake a little of it up with an equal quantity of lime-water, and see if it turns black.

“ Reliable" the "World's Hair Restorer” may be, equally with the FREE AND EASY VERSIONS OF THE CLASSICS.? great majority of allegations to which that American vulgarism is It is not only at Rome, it appears, that Latin is at a discount. The commonly applied. advice given by Punch some weeks since, in reference to the prelates

As to the assurance that:assembled at the Ecumenical Council

, “Look up your Latin,” may be “No one can be disappointed with its effect, and with the New Year youth applied nearer home. MR. BELLEW's librettist, who has interpolated and beauty can be renewed." the Hymn of St. Ambrose into Hamlet, thus freely, not to say wildly, it is only necessary to say that the “World's Hair Restorer” is not translates Gallus arguit canentes : “The

cock scolds those lying in advertised by anybody who professes to carry on the business of bed!" On the dissected "crib” principle so popular with small MADAME RACHEL, pending her incarceration under sentence of penal schoolboys, we presume the words would run thus : Gallus, the cock, servitude, and, as her representative, to continue making hags " beauarguit, scolds, canentes, those lying in bed. This reminds one very tiful for ever." forcibly of the student's rendering of oluot métanyuas, in the Agamemnon of ÆschyLUS: “O dear, I'm blowed !Punch is tempted to Hair Restorer.

Thus much is true, and more than true enough, as to the World's append a few "tentative renderings” on this free and easy principle :

“Sold by chemists and perfumers only in large bottles, 68." 1. Arma virumque cano. A classical expression of the adage “Spare the rod, and spoil the child.”. Translation : Arma, our arms, virumque, are people, and perhaps a good many, who are fools enough to buy it

It is too true that the "World's Hair Restorer” is sold ; that there and our strength, (are) cano, in the cane.

2. Ne sutor ultra crepidam. “Always be off with the old love before at 68. a bottle. Let any one who has bought it get it analysed, and you are on with the new.' Literal translation : Ne, let not, sutor, the see if it is worth as many ponce. Fiat erperimentum in corpore vili. suitor, (go) ultra, beyond, crepidam, the last.

This stuff, however, selling at 6s, a bottle, non dili venit. 3. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori. HORACE's tribute to his

The site of the “ Depot," where the World's Hair Restorer” is Papa's worth. A beautiful

sentiment. Translation: Mori, the charac- sold, is one point more in which the advertisement of it can be believed, ter, pro patriá, of my father, est, was, dulce et decorum, sweet and concluding in a piece of information

which we need not proclaim. gentlemarsicos odi, puer, apparatus. Scientific. Apparatus, an apparatus, persicos, for dispersing, puer odi, the pure Od force.

BOUNDING ON THE STAGE. 5. Stat magni nominis umbra. The explanation of a very common loss. Translation: Nominis umbra, no man's umbrella, stat magni, particular star of the St. Petersburg Opera, has got into a scrape for

Galignani says that MADAME GANDON, "who seems to be a bright stands for much (i. e. is worth mucb). 6. Judex damnatur cunt nocens absolvitur. Applicable to the Clerken- for that misbehaviour, "and the Court fined her eighty roubles for

being too demonstrative in her dancing. She has been regularly tried well Court. Translation : Judex, the Judge, damnatur, uses strong language, cum, when, nocens, no sense, absolvitur, is talked by counsel, gestures out of all bounds." Bounds, such as those of a fawn or a

kangaroo, certainly ought to be the limits of choregraphic display: Should MR. BELLEW propose introducing "Ritual Music” into his Our own British sylphs of the ballet, as fashionable society is weli next reading of John Gilpin, or BARHAM'S Babes in the Wood, Mr. aware, are a customed to confine their feats of agility and grace to Punch will be happy to do the translations for the libretto.

pirouettes, capers, and steps of which none exceed the bounds of elegance.

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Justice for Ireland.

Worth Knowing. PEOPLE have been disputing the truth of that famous saying of. PERHAPS it is not generally known that one of the greatest improveDAVIES,

KING JAMIE's Attorney-General" (lately quoted by Mr./ments in photographic portraiture can be traced back to the celebrated GLADSTONE)," that no nation so loved indifferent justice as the Irish French philosopher-DES CARTES.

It is quite true. What justice can be so indifferent as " the wild justice of revenge ”p

PLAYING AT DRAUGHTS.— The Ventilation of our Law Courts.

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ignorance of Scotch dialects. Later on, he determines, after a night's MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

deep'thought, that it is a corruption of Custos Rotulorum, and announces

this as an interesting philological discovery to DYNGWELL, who reQUR table-d’hôte party is very select. There are two gentlemen in a ceives the information with his glass in his eye and the remark, that it's state of progressive convalescence, who compare notes as to health across

“Whatever you please, my little dear, only blow your nose and don't the table. A nervous person, who eats preserved peas

with a knife, breathe upon the glasses.” To which he gives an air of authority, very and has a jerky way, like an automaton-diner, with his fork and a bit confusing to the Professor, by adding, hem! SHAKSPEARE,” which of bread when eating fish. There are two Naval gentlemen, one a causes the good H another sleepless night in his library. Commander and the other a Lieutenant. The Commander has been

Happy Thought.— Explain DYNGWELL to him. all over the world, and has a great story about a Mongoose. No one has heard the end of it, as he generally forgets a date or somebody's To assist me in reading German, the Professor kindly takes me to his

We have an interesting discussion on ancient and modern slang. name essential to the dénouement of the Mongoose. Always thought till now that a Mongoose was humbug, like the Phænix. The Lieu- Club; an excellent social club with a reading-room full of newspapers,

German, French, and English. tenant contradicts the Commander on most naval matters, but has

I take up the something Zeitung, and am helpless. End by reading never seen a Mongoose. There is a charming old gentleman who has

the Times. translated ÆSCHYLUS and EURIPIDES into English verse : he has been

Commence German Lesson. Read and translate out of German into complimented by the greatest scholars of the day, and his publishers English, and back again. The principal characters in the exercise are have just sent him in his bill for printing, and a letter to know what the shoemaker and the tailor, and, of course, my father and my mother. the deuce they shall do with the first thousand. We talk together about Dyngwell is satisfied with this sort of thing, and copies out reams of Greek poets.

examples. Happy Thought.—Take up Greek again. Read HOMER. Old gentleman quotes passages. Of course I remember, he says to me, the passage new exercise book. My Professor is pleased with the idea as original.

Happy Thought.—Make my own examples and gradually compile a in the Iliad commencing Dinamenos potty,&c. Of course

I don't

I make selections on paper, modelling them on Ahn's La Langue Happy Thought. To encourage him, say, as if cogitating, dubiously, “I fancy I recollect the gist of the passage.' Ah!” he re

Examples for the Use of Students (might include these in Typ. Devel.) plies, “and what would you make of the epithet there; an epithet used

-The shoemaker is sad. The father of the shoemaker is fat. The wife only once, as I believe, in that sense by HOMER, or any later Greek poet?I can make nothing of it, and leave it to him. What does he of the gardener has given an umbrella to the shoemaker. The mother make of it? That,” he returns, "has always been his difficulty.” No, Henry will fight the gardener, because the shoemaker is ill (krank).

of the carpenter was often in my garden. Will you fight the gardener ? Don't like to ask what epithet he means.

Here is FERDINAND! Have you washed your boots? Yes, my mother, Happy Thought.—To quote carelessly "Poluphoisboio Thalasses," and I bave also washed the boots of the gardener. say with enthusiasm,," Ah, there's an epithet! How grand and full is the Greek language?”. Luckily at this moment the Commander asks nine o'clock with the wife of the shoemaker. Have you seen my

For more Advanced Students.—At what hour do you sup? I sup at me if I've heard what he was telling the Doctor about the Mongoose, brother? No: but I have written to my uncle and my aunt. Will and the waiter hands the sauer-kraut (excellent dish!!) to the trans- you eat some ham? No: I will not eat some ham. The lion is ill. lator of ÆSCHYLUS.

The shoemaker laughs at the gardener's aunt (i e., the aunt of the When we sit late and have Champagne, as is the case on Sundays or gardener). Your cousin was looking for his hat while the merchant on the departure of a friend or a birthday, we all get into philosophical was dancing. The hound is not so fat as the cat (als die Katze), discussion, all except the Commander and the Lieutenant, who nearly come to high words (invariably) on points of seamanship, as to whether Your father

was playing in the garden with your uncle when the lion

I dance better than you, but you do your exercises better than I. it is better or not, in a storm, to rig the boom taffrail, or pay out the came. The industrious schoolboy is loved by everybody. My neighbour gaff

. The Commander appeals to our common sense in behalf of the has sold his chickens to the lion. The coachman is eating plums and boom taffrail, and the Lieutenant observes scornfully, that. Any one apples, and we have wine and beer. Give me some soup, some wine; who knows how to sail a vessel would immediately pay out the gaff.”

some beer, some sugar, some vegetables, and some ink, and do not call Happy Thought.—To say, conciliatingly, "Well, I suppose it doesn't me till four in the morning. The tailor is here, so is the shoemaker, much matter."

but the lion has eaten the gardener. They retort, “Oh, doesn't it !” and explain., More Champagne. The Commander afterwards takes me aside and depreciates the Lieu- has eaten the tailor, the shoemaker, the gardener, their aunts and

Happy Thought.- (Finishing sentence to the exercise.) The big lion tenant's theories in confidence. The Lieytenant takes DYNGWELL uncles, the brothers and neighbours, and also the ink, the sugar, the apart, and says he should be very sorry to be sailing under his (the tea, the cream, the ham, the plums, and the boots. Commander's) orders. DYNGWELL observes, "That both the nautical Cockalorums have been going on the scoop, and are slightly moppy.'

Happy Thought.-To astonish FRIDDY with a letter German. By which we understand him to mean, that the two naval officers have Write home and say, "Meine liebe Frau, I am not krank now, but very had as much as is bad for them.

much besser ; in fact, quite well. Hast du mein cheque-buch gefunden? Happy Thought.-A naval officer half-seas over. (Think this out, and du krank?"

Ich habe mein bad genommen. Ich habe mein cheque-buch nicht. Bist put it down to SYDNEY SMITH.)

Capital exercise the above. First Day of Fourth Week at Aix.-I am quite well. Three more DR. CASPAR compliments me on being thinner. I feel pleased. douches, two 'vapours, and four ordinary baths will settle the question. Note that generally every one is pleased at being thinner.

Happy Thought.-Present DR. CASPAR with a testimonial; say Go and get weighed at Miss HELENTHALER's tobacconist shop. the first volume of Typical Developments, when it appears, with plates. Every one gets weighed here. Wonderful how Miss CATHERINE, who "Anatomy” (under A) will interest him.

keeps the shop, speaks English perfectly without ever having been in Letter from FRIDDY. I must come back, she says

England. Wonder if I should ever speak German without going to Happy Thought.-Nice to be written to affectionately.

Germany, or even with going to Germany. I turn over the page: she continues, "

-or send a cheque." It appears

Note.-A writer in the Daily Telegraph, whose article I see here, I've stayed away longer than she expected. The baby is less rashy describes two gardens as existing at Aix, One, he says called after the than he was. Regret that I must go home before I've got on with faithless spouse of MENELAUS. There is no such place. There is the my German.

Elisa Garden, and there is Miss HELENTHALER (i.e. Miss CATHERINE), A German Lesson.My Professor of languages is the most amiable, who is much amused at being called a garden. patient, and persevering gentleman. He is much tried by CAPTAIN Happy Thought.-Write to Daily T. and correct mistake. DYNGWELL, to whom he has been for some time giving lessons. Happy Thought.-Leave it alone. DYNGWELL invariably salutes bim-he is Doctor-of-Law or some I shall be sorry to leave. The longer one stays in Aachen, the more degree or other, and a man with whom anyone of a pbilosophic turn you learn of the people, the pleasanter it is. would at once commence discussing German metaphysics or deep and But POPGOOD AND GROOLLY call; or rather, as they haven't answered interesting psychological questions, but DYNGWELL invariably salutes my telegrams, I really must go and see what's the matter. him with a slap on the back, a hearty slap on the back, or with a pretended lunge of his walking-stick into the professor's fifth rib, making there with her mother. On thinking this out (nothing like thinking a

Happy Thought.-Return home by Paris. Ask FRIDDY to meet me him wince but smile

, and addressing him as, “Hullo ! old Cockalorum ! thing out), decide that it's better (besser) not to ask her. Shall like a Sprechen Sie Deutsch ?" At first I ascertain the Professor went home and looked out

few days holiday in Paris. “Cockaloram" in the dictionary—he is a great man for roots and the Professor, CASPAR, and DYNGWELL.

Happy Thought.-Celebrate my convalescence by a dinner given to derivations, and knows BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER, MASSINGER, SHAKSPEARE, and most old standard authors by heart. Not finding Cockalorum in any known, glossary, he gets near it as a probable THE BEST RECOMMENDATION OF THE IRISH LAND BILL.-The genitive plural of Cock-a-leekie, and humbly sets this down to his clamour of the National Press against it.

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