MRS. WASHTUB ON TELEGRAMS:

AH, drat them nasty telegrams that keeps folks all in sitch a flurry,
Whenever there's the least to-do, with constant worry, worry,
worry!
I recollect in my young days when there was no sitch expectation,
And news to travel took its time, suspense was bore with resigna-

tion.

What was to be, we used to say, would be, and couldn't be
wented,

Which 'twas consolin' for to think, and made one happy and con-
tented.

What would be we should live to see, if we lived long enough, 'twas

certain,

And p'raps it might a mercy be the future was behind the curtain.

Misfortunes came, as come they must, in this here wale of trile and

sorrow.

But then, if bad news come to-day, no news was like to come to

morrow.

No news was good news people said, and hoped meanwhile they
might be better,

Leastways until the next day's post brought 'em a paper or a letter.

'Tis true, relief as soon may come, sometimes, by artificial light'nin'.
When days and weeks of dark and storm you've undergone afore
the bright'nin':
All's well as ends well, thanks be praised, the croakers found their-
selves mistaken-
But by them plaguy telegrams how my poor old narves have bin

shaken!

TWELFTH NIGHT.

nation in Europe, except Switzerland, in which country the RepubTHE closing night of the Christmas season is observed by every lican form of government introduced by W. TELL (the first President), prevents the recognition of Kings and Queens.

the study of physics is yet in its infancy, great importance is Throughout England, particularly in those rural districts where attached to the weather on Twelfth Day. The occurrence of rain, pre-Borealis over the roofs of the Bank of England is considered a most or wind, or sleet, or snow, or hail, or the appearance of the Aurora which the sowing of the Spring wheat commences. But the slightest favourable augury, and in some counties determines the day on indication of the Zodiacal light is dreaded as a sure forerunner of the turnip-fly, and the connection of a parhelion with protracted drought is established by a long series of observations, reaching as far back as the Reformation.

CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR THE CLAIMANT.-Coleridge's Works.

NEW YEAR'S "NOTE" TO CORRESPONDENTS.

MR. PUNCH, in spite of his emphatic and repeated Notices and Explanations, being still copiously afflicted with Communications from Persons whom he has not invited to take the liberty of addressing him, issues the following Nate, and advises such persons to study it closely.

He calls them "Correspondents," but does so only for convenience. A Correspondent means a person who not only writes, but to whom the recipient of the letter also writes. Ninety-nine out of a hundred of those who address Mr. Punch are, and will be, unanswered, except by this Note.

Let all understand that he is answerable for the real or supposed value of No literary or artistic matter which may be sent him, unasked. This is law. Let all understand that at the earliest possible moment after his discovery that such matter is useless to him, it is Destroyed. This is fact.

Notice also that stamped and directed envelopes, for the return of such matters, will not operate to the fracture of his rule.

66

After this notice, Correspondents" will have no one but them-
selves to thank for the Snub Mr. Punch's silence implies.

But is he unwise enough to believe that the plague of foolish
Correspondence will thus be stayed? Verily, no.

He expects to continue to receive

Most lawyers are of opinion that under the provisions of an old Act of Parliament, still unrepealed, it is illegal to solicit a Christmas box after twelve o'clock on the 6th of January.

If Twelfth Night falls on a Sunday, the harvest will be late; if on a Monday, the back door should be carefully looked to on the long evenings; if on a Tuesday, pilchards will be caught in enormous quantities; if on a Wednesday, the silkworms will suffer; if on a Thursday, there will be no skating on the Serpentine during the rest of the year; if on a Friday, the apple crop will be a failure; and if on a Saturday (as this year), you should on no account have your hair cut by a red-haired man who squints and has relations in the colonies. The sceptic and the latitudinarian may smile superciliously at these predictions, but they have been verified by inquiries conducted at centres as wide apart as Bury St. Edmunds, Rotherham, Dawlish, Rickmansworth, Kirkcudbright, and Cape Clear.

It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent them from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long with one subject.

It is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very early opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of the COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA.

The game slaughtered at the battues of eleven noble sportsmen (all members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed among the East-End poor.

It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced this season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the Claimant."

VOL. LII.

POKES IN PANTOMIMES.

NON omnia possumus omnes; we are not all Popes, nor should we be omnipotent even if we were infallible. The Daily News is a journal of ability; but there is a certain inconsistency, the cause of which it declares itself unable to fathom :

—

"That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, we sympathise with DR. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE, the actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired the price of a good thick stick; but why, in the name of common sense, when caricatures of MR. GLADSTONE and MR. LOWE weekly appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a day passes without these gentlemen being attacked in print on account of one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke upon their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimes, surpasses comprehension."

Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in theatres a place called the Gallery. This place is occupied by a peculiar description of audience and spectators. In the theatre, by physical position, they constitute the higher orders, but in common talk are contrariwise named. Of old, bloated aristocrats were wont ironically to style them "the Gods." Enlightened Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now the People of the Gallery are not accustomed to read humorous journals in which caricatures of the People's WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear weekly. If they were, it would be necessary for the humorous journals to be very careful in caricaturing those popular Ministers, lest caricatures should endanger their popularity. The People of the Gallery are our flesh and blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take jokes too seriously. If the Clown in a Pantomime were to tread upon a match-box, and get blown up sky-high, or if, assisted by the Pantaloon, he presented a working man in an arsenal with a sack, these performances, to the occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless jokes, but the effect produced by them in the electoral way would probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with friends and relations of match-venders and dockyard labourers.

The Best Tonic.

THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as alive as ever to the cheering effect of "good spirits" on their patients.

drawn their names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions to the Humane Society.

C

Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government are: (1) a Bill for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; (2) a Bill to Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty Weather; and (3) a Bill to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse.

The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief command of the vessel of the State.

It is considered highly probable that, following the good example of some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the very highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with little placards of "NO FEES!"

JUST A HINT.

Is there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword? We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully economical in these Gladstonian days.

Mathematical Intelligence.

MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for

Ir would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a a confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother circle. Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve embraced the Jewish faith. years old, he will back himself on any given morning to get round a square.

More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have with

Tommy. But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"? "Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars-MR. WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO."

MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to EVANS'S Supper Rooms, to enter which place they had to pay a shilling apiece. This troubled their worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was painfully struck, as he informed his young friends, by the altered aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW explained to them that in his time the room was snug, cosy, and comfortable, and only one quarter of its present size. That then there were neither carpet nor tavernlike mirrors. "True," said MR. BARLOW, "that all that was objectionable in the entertainment of former days has long ere this disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the opposite sex, in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit invisible, and listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR. BARLow, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, who would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at

So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR. BARLOW's discourse that they begged to be allowed to quit a place which only aroused so much sadness in the breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving, MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which he had taken, whereupon the waiter begged to be remembered, which MR. BARLOW, being blessed with a good memory, willingly consented to do. But the waiter candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle for his trouble, MR. BARLOW could not refrain from expostulating with the honest fellow on the absurdity of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the old and palmy days of EVANS's there was no charge for admission, and the attention bestowed on visitors being admirable, it was a pleasure to bestow some gratuity upon the attendants, which was always received by the money collector at the door with a grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good night, Sir."

While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter was summoned to a distant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended the steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent Garden.

66

Farewell, EVANS's!" said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I know not that I shall darken thy doors again!"

"What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on their reaching their lodgings, "reminds me of the story of Tigranes and the Amphibious Black." Mr. Barlow. I do not think TOMMY MERTON has

heard it.

Harry. Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMYBut TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed. MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, indeed, himself told it to MASTER HARRY, then took his candle, and wishing HARRY a very good night, retired.

alcohol in some one or other of its forms, commonly that of something short, which, if asked to give it a name, we will call gin, or euphemistically, Old Tom, not to say, dyslogistically, blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United Kingdom Alliance; those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the subject who hate us youth, and specially abhor Punch. The gin-drinking, prevalent among the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is medicinal, and the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the tendency of people to take it in over-doses.

Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true, are not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a sick-room: but they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be requisite to maintain the bodily conditions which resist or expel poisonous or morbia effluvia.

VIE ANTIQUE.

Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates and Ir is pleasant to make honourable mention, in Mr. alleys of the body-keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious. By what Punch's columns, of anything bearing the name of means? Therein the patient may minister to himself if he can, or else should JERROLD. The latest appearance of this name is in inquire of his doctor, who will let him know. There is, however, a popular conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DORÉ-a household panacea which he will find invariably efficacious. The prophylactic as well as word. Two artists have been making a pilgrimage therapeutic virtues of Punch, of Punch's Pocket-Book, and Punch's Almanack, through London together, and each, with his own imple- tion beyond the merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and antiare so universally known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommendament, is recording his experiences, the result to be a beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has septic publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the appeared. Mr. Punch is glad to welcome a new unanimous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any quantity of Faculty may recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they are of memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as that city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the parts most likely to attract the eye of M. DORÉ, that it will soon be all as colourless as a Boulevard or Regent Street. If MR. JERROLD will show M. DORÉ anything that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in the pictures to a certain book of Contes, the two will do the good deed of apprising posterity that London was the production of architects, and not of excessively respectable contractors for building purposes.

Punch.

FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI.

THERE is one thing worth note in the manners (or want of manners) of our present enemies the Looshai folk. The Standard says that they delight "in transposition of the component parts of the names of places and chiefs. Thus, SOOK-PI-LAL is often converted into LAL-PI-SOOK. A similar practice frequently prevails in British India; the lower class of natives constantly substituting Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people savages! Why, they are as witty as most members of the Stock Exchange. What higher flight can the latter generally attain than the feat of calling "ROBINSON AND THOMSON" "TOBINSON AND ROMSON," or saying that JONES lives at "Wampton Hick ?" We hope that these Orientals will be treated with as much consideration as may be. They are none so uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques.

Royal Clemency.

WE have heard, with gratification, that the remainder of the sentence on JOHN POYNTZ SPENCER, who was sent to Ireland in 1868, and who has since been immured in Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and his return will be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that he has amply expiated the political offence of being a A BRIGHT idea is that of establishing "Public-houses without Drink." Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an honourable Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without future is in store for him. Meat?

Parallels for the People.

VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER.
(A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season.)

Young Lady (to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places). "Now-I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. Now YOU MAY BEGIN CONVERSATION."

[Utter Collapse of Partner.

"COME ABOARD, SIR!"

"COME aboard, Sir!" to the Captain

Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B,

As he touches his tarpaulin,
Smart and sailorly.

And the watch look pleased as Punches,

Officers and men,

For A.B.'s like JOHN are always
Welcome back again!

Over deck, and spars, and rigging

JOHN he slues his eye;

Gives a seaman's squint to leeward,
Scanning sea and sky;

At the binnacle he glances,

Notes the course she steers;
Nought on board or in the offing,
Scapes his eyes and ears.