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He owns me for his child;

I can no longer fear:

With confidence I now draw nigh,

And, Father, Abba, Father, cry."

For this my heart panted. The heavenly prize sometimes appeared so near, that the hand of faith was able to reach forth to lay hold; but was suddenly checked by disappointment.

I continued sometimes oppressed by fear, at other times encouraged by hope, till the 11th of March, 1779, when the tide of my misery rose unusually high. My father was that day led particularly to speak of the necessity of faith, in order to my justification; he said it was unreasonable to expect the evidence, unless I believed. This seemed to me equally strange and impossible. I told him I could believe when I had received a clear sense of my forgiveness, by the Spirit removing the burden from my soul, and communicating the love of God. However, he maintained what he first asserted; and though I could not see the subject in the same light, yet I was persuaded that he knew better than myself, and therefore resolved to reap what advantages I could from his instruction. Accordingly I exerted all the powers of my mind, in attempting to believe that I was accepted in the Beloved, and that consequently my iniquities were no longer remembered against me. But all my labours were fruitless. My faith brought me no consolation, but, on the contrary, more distress, as my conscience bore a forcible testimony against that which I was striving to believe. I was ashamed of my presumption before God, and scarce dared to look toward his throne. I thought that, as a dog, I should provoke the Lord, by thus presumptuously stretching forth my undeserving hand to seize the children's bread. My heart was sorely agitated and overwhelmed with distress all the after-part of that memorable day, on which I obtained deliverance, till about seven o'clock in the evening, when I left all company, and chose the opportunity which a dark night afforded me to retire to my old retreat, which screened me from the observation and interruption of man. I entered with profound reverence and self-abasement, and the contending passions of hope and despair with the keen sensations of a self-convicted criminal, I fell prostrate before my Lord and Judge. I had not been many minutes on my knees before my whole soul was weighed down with horror. I saw myself gradually sinking into a dreadful pit; when there suddenly appeared to the eye of my mind the suffering Redeemer nailed to the accursed tree. Immediately the darkness and woe in which I was involved disappeared. It was impossible to restrain tears. I wept for joy. My soul was filled with grateful amazement at such an unexpected display of the kind compassion of my Saviour. I could now say, My Lord and my God! My Beloved is mine, and I am his." Being justified by faith, I had peace with God through Jesus Christ my Lord. My house of mourning was now become the banqueting-house of God. How unspeakably delightful was the sure evidence of my redemption in the precious blood of the

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Lamb! I wanted language to express my thankfulness for the peculiar sweetness of Gospel liberty. Happy as I was, and rejoicing in God my Saviour, it was suggested to my mind before sleep had closed my eyes, that I should find by the return of the morning, that my peace had deserted me, and left me to deplore my fearful loss. But as I slept in peace, in peace I awoke. And now I was delighted with the hope that my path would be paved with pleasure all the way to heaven; that I had passed the greatest danger, and endured the roughest storm, that I had to meet with on my voyage to the eternal shore. But experience soon taught me a different lesson. I was called that day into the field of battle, which put to proof my utmost strength. Not being aware of the artifices of the devil, I suffered greatly. He told me that what I had received as an evidence of pardon was a delusion; that though the delusion was calculated to make me happy at present, I should find it a dreadful deception in the next world; and that I was indeed acting a most foolish part in feeding my mind with a delusive happiness in this world, when the miseries of the next were consequent upon it. Long and severe was the contest, and I left the field with the marks of the enemy upon me. I again entreated the Lord to lift upon me the light of his countenance, and suffer me not to be deceived. He did refresh my soul and enable me to persevere; though I was frequently beset with painful doubts and fears for a long time afterwards. Now the word of God was sweeter to my soul than honey, or the honey-comb. I longed for the ordinances, as the hungry appetite longs for food.

About this time the work of God revived among the young people. Many began to set out for the kingdom, from the age of twelve to twenty years. When there were about three or four, we appointed to meet privately by ourselves for singing and prayer. In a few weeks there were near twenty young persons, who seemed in earnest for salvation. This stirred up some old professors to more activity and diligence. We then appointed a prayer-meeting on every Saturday evening at Mapplewell among a wicked people. While I was at prayer here, I believe the first night, the cry of the people was such as I know not that ever I was a witness of before. I do not remember that there was one silent. I continued in prayer as long as my voice could be heard. When the voice of lamentation began to subside, I arose from my knees, and looking about, found that the cry of the people had sounded so far as to bring almost all the inhabitants of the place together. Seeing them about the door and window, I beckoned them to come in. My mouth was immediately opened, and I endeavoured to explain to the astonished spectators. the meaning of this strange scene. Ideas crowded into my mind as fast as I could deliver them. The people and myself appeared equally amazed; as I had never spoken in public before; nor should I at this time, had I not been led in a manner that could not be easily resisted. They then importuned me to preach at that place, which I consented to do that day fortnight in the evening; and, to make matters as agreeable and convenient

as they could, they furnished me with an old barn, and accommodated me with a kind of desk. A consciousness of my incapacity for such an important undertaking affected my mind; but having opened the Bible at the first chapter of Jeremiah, where God is expostulating with the Prophet, and encouraging him to lay aside his fears, and declare to the people of Israel their sins, under the assurance of divine help in all dangers and perils, my resolution gained strength, and my mind was relieved. When I came to the place where I was appointed to preach, I found the barn well filled with people: my heart began to faint; but as it was no time for conferring with the flesh, I entered the pulpit with as much courage as I could; and after singing and prayer, I ventured to look upon my congregation, when, finding myself acquainted with most of their countenances, shame began to assault me again. I kept my eyes open till I had read my text, which was Ezekiel xxxiii. 11, “ Turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel?" I then closed my eyes, and kept all outward objects shut out, till I had finished my discourse. As God knew that I looked upon the fruit of my labour as the most encouraging proof of my commission from the Bishop of souls, he graciously favoured me, and strengthened me that night, with the conversion of a sinner. The sensible part of my hearers, no doubt, overlooked many defects on account of my youth and inexperience, being then but about nineteen years of age; and it was only about three months since I had received a sense of God's reconciling love. I now saw it indispensably necessary to wait daily upon God in earnest prayer, not only for the increase of his grace in my soul, but for a better understanding of the mystery of godliness, and the true spiritual import of his blessed word, which I was called to proclaim to others. The adversary began at this time to try his arts upon me more imperceptibly than usual; prompting me to think more highly of myself than I ought. Pride mixed itself with my outward exercises; and many of my simple and well-meaning hearers increased the evil by their undeserved praises. But the jealous God soon gave a suitable check to this ruinous aspiring. So conscious was I of something materially wrong, that I doubted whether I was sent of God to preach. One Tuesday morning, while musing on the inexpressible importance of such an undertaking, and my very great unfitness for the work, I sank into a state of disquietude and vexation. I groaned in spirit, labouring to be freed from the burden which hung upon my soul. I wept, and begged for rest; but rest was far from me. Having to preach two or three times on the following Sunday, I prayed that I might be laid on a bed of affliction, if it was not the Lord's will that I should preach the Gospel; but affliction came not near me. I travelled that day many miles, and preached three times, and not without a blessing; a multitude following me from place to place. At this time I went to several places where the Gospel had not been published. I was sent for to one lonely place, which with some difficulty I found. There never had been preaching in it before that day, nor has there been since. I

knew not that the feeble discourse was blessed to any, till upwards of six years after, when I visited Yorkshire, and was informed that one person was at that time converted, and soon after died in the triumph of faith.

Having been engaged on the Sundays for nearly nine months, and being desirous of enlarging my sphere and of giving myself up to the work of the ministry, as I was convinced that God called me, by giving me so many seals to my ministry, I thankfully accepted Mr. Wesley's great kindness in wishing me to go to Kingswood for a short time, for that improvement which is so necessary for a public speaker. Mr. Thomas Taylor was very kind, and did every thing to encourage me, in this great work of calling sinners to repentance. I could mention many particular conversions, before I left my native place, that the Lord condescended to favour me with, to dissipate my fears, as the language of my heart was like that of Jeremiah: "O Lord God, I cannot speak, for I am a child!" Mr. William Denton, a very wicked young man, used to follow me from place to place, till he was broken in spirit before the Lord, and groaned the unutterable groan. He found out my private retreat in a stone-quarry, and begged that I would suffer him to be with me, and assist him to wrestle with God, that his sins might be blotted out, for the sake of Christ. The Lord heard and answered; he was set at perfect liberty, and triumphed in the God of his salvation. He continued truly pious, and went out as an Itinerant Minister amongst us, was instrumental of great good, and died in peace. I was likewise desired by Mrs. Tattershall, in the southeast of Barnsley, to come and preach at her house. Her son, Mr. Thomas Tattershall, was much provoked at the invitation, though he said he would come and hear what that babbler had to say, in setting forth that new doctrine which was every where spoken against, and which, he said, had no other tendency than that of raising mobs, and distressing the people all over the nation. He also pledged himself to confute me, and put me to shame for uttering such falsehoods, and thus prevent me from ever preaching again. He was deeply awakened under that very sermon, and saw and felt the necessity of the religion which he had ridiculed, pleading for mercy most earnestly, for the sake of his great Advocate: nor did he cry in vain; for the Lord manifested himself to him as he does not unto the world, set his feet upon the rock, and established his goings in righteousness. He now began to feel for perishing sinners, and wished to recommend an all-sufficient Saviour. Having preached the blessed Gospel with success for forty years in our Connexion, he died in the faith.

I received a most affectionate letter from Mr. Wesley, and therefore hastened to Kingswood, where I arrived in the beginning of May, and continued there upwards of fifteen months. I was most affectionately received, both by our valued Preachers in the Circuit, and the Teachers in the School, who acted towards me as fathers and brethren. I was kept very close to preaching, and the people received me as from the

Lord, with all my imperfections on my head. All those men of God I was acquainted with at that time, whether Preachers, Teachers, or members of the society, are now gone out of this world into eternity. While at the school I was sent for to visit a Class-Leader, who had been a truly consistent follower of the Lord, but whose sufferings were so great from the stone, that, if it would not have been sinful in the sight of God, he could have wished his friends to throw him out of the window, and end his life. The Lord, however, in his mercy, shortly released him from his pain, and took him to himself.

I travelled a considerable distance, in various directions, to preach; and whatever I might meet with from those that neither regard God nor man, the friends of Jesus received me with open arms, and souls were converted to God; which encouraged me to go forward. In Bath I was received with the greatest kindness by Lieutenant Webb, whose house I made my home during my stay there. He was made very useful in preaching a full and free salvation; for the people collected in great numbers from every adjacent quarter to hear an officer in his regimentals offer salvation to returning sinners. He experienced much of the power of religion in his own soul; and used to observe, that he never could find rest until he was fixed upon the Rock, Christ; that he found, though he forgave the hissing and scoffs of the unbelieving, he had not sufficient courage to be faithful in reproving those who lived in the practice of sin, as he ought, or to bear the ridicule and persecution to which his situation in life exposed him; he therefore wrestled day and night with God for that degree of grace which he stood in need of, that he might stand firm as the beaten anvil to the stroke: and he was favoured with-those communications from above, which made him bold to declare the whole counsel of God. His evidence of the favour of God was so bright, that he never lost a sense of that blessed truth, "The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sin." For him to live was Christ, to die was gain. I likewise experienced the most affectionate regards from the Rev. Mr. Mills, and various others, at Bath.

In August, 1781, I was appointed to travel in the Sevenoaks Circuit. This Circuit was very extensive. Blessed be God, we did not labour in vain. Sinners cried out for mercy through the blood of the cross; and our friends in society pressed hard after the mind which was in Christ; and for his sake they were truly loving to his messengers. I bless God for the great privilege I enjoyed, in the company of the Rev. Vincent Perronet, whose behaviour towards me, a mere stripling at the time, was extremely kind and affectionate. He was then about ninety years of age; and yet his conversation was most animating, and highly profitable. His resignation to the will of God had been tried by the death of several of his children; but so far from repining, or allowing the feelings of nature to lessen his confidence in an overruling Providence, ordering all things for the best, he has often ex

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