Dame (from the provinces, with hazy ideas about the defences of London). "DEARY, ME! WELL, I NEVER! SIR PERCY WHAT'S-'IS-NAME A-STANDIN' BY THE CANNON. i འ AND THAT MUST BE his watch the A.B.C.D.E. held out the other hand. I shook it warmly. even with both my honest straight- returned at 12.28. With one eye on AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT. IT is true that in a sense all the home seas may be regarded as a front. "No, no," he said, "I want your leave And yet inwardly I have doubts as to papers-movement order, and all that." whether I really am at the moment It was 12.30 exactly when I began exactly what you might call frontal. my explanation. At 12.35 I had Though correctly swathed in a ceinture They will begin by saying, almost reached its crowning feature. At de sauvetage I feel: neither nautical, apologetically, that they don't doubt 12.40 he realized that it was I who martial, nor amphibious. I defy any- my bona fides (with four false quanti wanted a movement order. By 12.42 one to feel nautical in a service dress ties) for a moment. They will then I had it in triplicate, with permission jacket, martial in a life-belt, or am- doubt it exhaustively for three-quarters- to travel by any train that day. I phibious in ammunition boots. Martial of-an-hour, by which time my train believe that if I could have hung on is my short suit at the moment. For one will-as happens eventually even to till 12.45 I could have got another thing, any front there is is underneath. trains in France-have gone. I shall seven days' leave. Even as things For another, I have lost my leave arrive at dawn to-morrow just in time were I have the pleasantest recollecpapers-if indeed I ever had any. In a to be shot. It is true that the last tions of the A.B.C.D.E. I reported few hours, barring accidents, I shall time I was shot at dawn I got up and everywhere to everybody's satisfaction, be turned off on to an unsympathetic walked away. But this is not a reliable and have not been shot at all to-day so quay, under orders from one race of precedent, and I regard the future with far. And I have spent the morning red-hatted men eighty miles away from the most perfect despondency. All I wondering who put my leave papers at it to report to them this morning, and can do is to write the word "Later." the bottom of my haversack. forbidden by another race of red-hatted Later it is. Let me give you a hint men on the spot to proceed anywhere if you should ever, in a military town, until I have given an account of my- fall upon the rôle of the Man who Reself; which just happens to be one of quires Explaining and are told to report the few insignificant things I cannot to the A.B.C.D.E. find out what time A foretaste of the Golden Age. do. My blind pig is considered one of he lunches. When we landed, I went the finest outside the Central Powers, straight to the A.B.C.D.E.'s office and "Join the regiment that has guarded you and I can play selections from several there extorted by intimidation from an for the last 230 years.' drawing-room ballads with my eyes outpost the news that the officer usually shut and my left hand open; but not went out to lunch at 12.30 exactly. I Now then, step up, Methuselah. ; "FINEST QUALITY GREY-FACED LAMB: LIONS, 1s. per lb." Advt. in "Bermholme News." Advt. of the 3rd E. Yorkshires. MCKENNA (The "Try-your-Strength" Man). "NOW, GUV'NOR; LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN'T TOUCH THE 1590 MARK." JOHN BULL. "RIGHTO!" (Does it.) heard. As the MEMBER FOR SARK says, LLOYD ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. GEORGE chastised the taxpayer with (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) whips; MCKENNA lays on with House of Commons, Tuesday, 21st scorpions. And yet no murmur is In November last LLOYD September.-Introducing his first Budget MCKENNA scored a double record. GEORGE imposed fresh taxation estiIn respect both of income and ex- mated to bring in a revenue of 683 penditure he had to deal with the millions. On the top of that MCKENNA biggest of a long list. The speech ex- levies new taxes, which in a full effecpounding it was the briefest. tive year will increase the revenue by little short of 78 millions. Marshalling a multitude of figures, from the extra halfpenny in the pound in the price of sugar up to the 1,590 million pounds representing estimated expenditure of the year, his mastery of facts was so complete, his explanation so lucid, that the story was as easy to follow as an ordinary nursery tale. Time was during the prime of GLADSTONE at the Treasury, and with his successors in later years, when exposition of a Budget was regarded as opportunity for a great oratorical feat. Mr. G. thought nothing of occupying five hours, finishing up with a peroration almost worth an additional penny in the pound on the income tax. No self-respecting Chancellor of the old school would think of omitting to deck his business statement with a classical quotation, much appreciated below the Gangway. This habit led to first step in downfall of BOB LOWE. Allured by the tag, Ex luce lucellum, he invented a tax upon matches with intent to label the boxes with the motto. In the end, as everyone knows, he had to remodel his Budget, leaving out the obnoxious tax, label and all. MCKENNA'S speech began without exordium, finished without peroration, and no single sentence rose above the Spartan simplicity of the Multiplication Table. Only approach to departure from this level was when he mentioned the dizzy height at which expenditure now flies. He thereupon declared his confidence that House and country were prepared to support the Government in bearing whatever measure of taxation is deemed necessary now, and," he ominously added, "in the future," for the successful prosecution of the War. A hearty cheer confirmed this assur ance. 66 A big bill, but it will be met uncomplainingly, with any further charges that may presently be necessary for carrying on the War to its inevitable end. Business done.-Budget brought in A STAR TURN. THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. showing expenditure for the year of 1590 millions and revenue from taxation of 305 million. When full effect is given to new imposts, the latter will be raised to sum of 370 million. THE WITNESS FOR THE DEFENCE. [The Daily Chronicle's "Office Window" advances-or quotes-the theory that as long childish innocence is unimpaired.] as a man retains a zest for apple tart his THEY haled him up before the beak, And stamped him as a cool offender) He'd gobbled up an apple tart Of more than normal bulk and It seemed that he would have to pay The heavy price that those who've sinned owe; But no, the magistrate that day Was one who loved his "Office And put its precepts into use (A man should profit by his reading); He bade them set the felon loose, Saved by a pie's impassioned pleading. "Put it down a Wee, my Lud." "VERNON.-At 14 Cavendish street, Geelong, the wife of Hugh Vernon (late Chief Scout, Field Intelligence Department, South Africa) -a daughter ("Veni Vidi Vici" Vernon). Another little Briton! Now then, boys, enlist, and keep her so."-Melbourne Argus. With another "V" for Victory. From The Burma Sunday Times: MISSING.-My son Sudhamadhab Bannerjee, aged 12 years is missing since Monday thin in appearance, height 4 ft. 7 inches. He has sore marks on both the legs and has a black spot or (Til) on his left cheek close to the ear, narrow forehed covered with hair in circular form, slender neck floating eyes. He Giu-green coat, a pair of black brushed shoes and had blue Kashmere Ulster over a Cananore a Dhutee bordered with black line. If any one can trace him out he shall be rewarded Sydney Morning Herald. adequately. NUNDOLAL BANERJI, of Joynagort, at present 21 Ramtonu Bose Lane, Phrase to be avoided. Calcutta." the 5th instant. His colour is blackish and is A Flying Squadron. the cruisers Varese Francesco Ferruccio, "Among other noteworthy aviation feats. seppe Garibaldi, and Vettor Pisani bombarded the railway at dawn on the 18th near Cattaro." Cheerfulness was indeed the prevailing note of historic occasion. Fresh burden of taxation imposed enormous. Affects every class, from the consumer of half-ounces of tea and quartersWhen seeing off a friend who is going of-a-pound of sugar to the hapless to the Front:-"Well, good-bye, if you millionaire who out of his modest in- must go; and we hope soon to see your come of a hundred thousand pounds name on the Roll of Honour." a year will be called upon to contribute to the State the sum of £34,029-more than one-third of the whole. This, of course, in addition to his share of indirect taxation. Mr. Punch gladly gives further publicity to this announcement. The A.S.C. again! "Rev. Z. Lawrence delivered a lecture on Letter of thanks from a small boy:- the War' to a crowded audience in the Bloem "DEAR AUNTIE,-Thank you so much for the steamship; we have looked at it well and I am sure that there is something wrong with it. Best love, ANTHONY." fontein Synagogue last night. The lecturer's remarks were followed with the keenest interest, especially the part played by the Jaws." The Friend, Bloemfontein. Lady (to prospective Charwoman). "WHAT DO YOU CHARGE PER DAY?", Charwoman. "WELL, MUM, TWO-AND-SIX IF I EATS MESELF, AND TWO SHILLINGS IF YOU EATS ME." JIMMY'S UNCLE. Jimmy's Uncle is coming. But perhaps you know. The telegraph boy told Jimmy as he was bringing the telegram; he was coming by the three o'clock train the telegraph boy said. Jimmy's Uncle is a Colonel-didn't I tell you?--and Jimmy's mother hadn't seen him for years and years, and longer than that, Jimmy says-not since she was in India. It's because of the time fuse they put in them, Jimmy says, and you can hear it ticking. It makes his Uncle very wary, and he has to avoid certain things at mealtimes which are not easily digested because the doctor says the shrapnel is quite enough. Jimmy has seen the porter at the station, and he has promised to stop the train; you do it by the by-laws, Jimmy says. Jimmy told the porter he expected Jimmy's Uncle used to know Jimmy's his Uncle would give him some rupees father quite well, because you see they if he looked after the luggage well, and had been brothers, and Jimmy's Uncle the porter took Jimmy to see his; he knew all about Jimmy's father winning grew them in a plot of ground quite the Victoria Cross in India; but you haven't got to talk about that or Jimmy will fight you-really, I mean, not pretend. Jimmy says his Uncle has got a piece of shrapnel in him, and they won't let him stay at the Front, because it hasn't burst yet, and that's why he is coming to see his mother. close to the line when he wasn't busy cleaning the station lamps. He asked Jimmy if his Uncle soaked his in paraffin before sowing-you do it because of the sparrers. The porter knew all about India; he told Jimmy that the Hoodans out there lived on rice pudding, and it was very hot there because of the degrees of Jimmy says the shrapnel might longitude, which were very warm in burst at any time, and then it would those parts. blow a hole ten feet deep in the ground, but it would ease his Uncle because he has to walk very quietly and not get excited now. The porter hadn't been there, not himself, but he had read a good deal when he wasn't busy cleaning the station lamps. He said he'd often thought about India because he couldn't abear rice pudding. He said Jimmy might safely leave his Uncle to him. His Jimmy went to bed early so as to give the next day a chance. mother nearly spoilt the day before it came because she put out his best sailor suit for him to wear and gave him three pennies to have in his pocket but not to spend. He said his Uncle would think it was Sunday, and he put his head under the bedclothes to show what he thought of her. However, he let her hold his hand tight for an hour and ten minutes before he went to sleep, and when she came to look at him some time later he only smiled in his sleep when she gently removed his feet from the pillow and placed his head there once more. It took the day a long time to break, and Jimmy was glad when he heard the birds tidying up to get ready for it. He looked out of the window; the day seemed very damp and as if it wanted airing, so he got back to bed. It was eight o'clock, and the day was up and dressed and being busy when he next awoke. Jimmy had his mother at the station in good time, and they had read all the |