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ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

I have ne'er seen her since. And so here I sit sighing,

Whilst the show's lying thick on the pavement outside.
Yet, stay-it's the poets, perhaps, do the lying;

They could do a good deal in that line if they tried.
I am right. It's quite fine. There's the sun through the

trees. On
Reflection, I quito think the right thing to do
Is to join heart and soul in the joys of the season,

So I'm in for a Right Merry Christmas,--aren't you ?

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MR. PUNCH'S HANDBOOK OF DEFINITIONS.

(For the Use of Young Writers.)

A DOWAGER. (a.) A DRAGON with a brood of daughters. She must be appeased by the sacrifice of an eldest son, or by the offer of the first-fruits (and meats) of the supper

table.

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(6.) A being of uncertain temper and a certain age. Though she has a will of her own, she often depends upon the will of her husband, and is much given to deplore both the fixity of her own income and the | laxity of other people's morals.

(c.) A Society line - of battle ship, rendered obsolete by the loss of her consort. Though she often provokes engagements, sho is never known to strike her flag. She will blockade a

defenceless bachelor in order WHAT! Christmas

to cut off his supplies and again! I had al make them her daughter's, most forgotten and will bombard a Royal Palace in order to capture an invitation. That the time had (d.) A star of unknown magnitude revolving round the sons of come round for other stars. this pageant once

A BANKRUPT. more,

(a.) A TRUE man who observes all human properties with a view And I hardly know

| to making them his own. Yet, while he acquires the possessions, why, but I find

he alienates the affec"something

tion of his creditors, rotten

and is often stripped In the state "--of

of all that he ought affairs, as did

never to have had, in Hamlet of yore.

order that the lender For I dread all this

or a pound may be season of frolic

made happy by the some folly,

bestowal of a penny. When we kcep

(6.) A musician, who “Merry Christmases” erer in

always plays with

notes, and finds in stock,

composition a neverWhen the Curates

failing consolation. are happy with

(c.) A paradox, who, putting up holly

though he always outAnd mistletoe, too, with the fair of their flock.

runs the constable, is

often caught by the Ah! that mention of mistletoc sets me a-thinking

rolice, and finds himOf a girl, whom I know for a minute or so.

self face to face with I was young at the time, and there's no use in blinking

liabilities which he is The fact that it happened : long time ago.

never able to meet. She reminded mno strangely of sweet Dolly Parden, She was dressed for the part, and I thought her as fair;

Owing to not having time to turn round, he sometimes omits to

act on the square, and always qualifies by total failure for tho And I recollect well how wo strolled in the garden To look at a flower, which, of course, wasn't there.

successful passing of his examination.

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She was, oh! so afraid that her friends would have missed her,

And she really did think I should “tako hor in now." Which I did on the spot right away-for I kissed her,

Just beneath a large tree with an arch.shapen bough.
Then she flared up directly.-how dared I to do it?

But I listened to all her blind fury with gleo,
As I laughingly showed her--for I alone knew it--

An immense piece of mistletoe up in the tree.

SONG FOR SHROVE TUESDAY.
Life's like a pancake, very thin flat matter,

Tasteless (without Love's sugar and Hate's lemon)
At health's firm bastion not in vain its “ batter,"

With Indigestion an attendant demon.
Kept o'er the fire, continually crossed,
By fumes of darkness, and with trouble “ tossed.”

pork-pio to pieces. There the Pig remained, and snorted, and SIMPLE STORIES.

grunted, and stamped. It was getting long past dinner-time, “ Be always kind to animals wherever you may be !”

and PETER was afraid he should have to stop all night in tho No. IV.—PETER AND THE PIG.

tree. At last, thinking the Pig was getting quiet, he looked

cautiously out. A KIND but injudicious Uncle had sent PETER a very largo pork- ! He looked out too far. He slipped; he fell! He fell astride on pie. PETER'S Mamma had invited a number of his young friends the Pig's broad back, with his arms round its neck. to share it with him on his birthday. Sho meant that they should The boy was an excellent rider, and his presence of mind on have a little feast, and all be very happy and merry together. | this occasion saved him. Laying hold of the Pig by the ears, and This excellent idea, however, did not meet with Peter's approval. sticking his knees well into its fat sides, he jerked its head up. He was a selfish boy, and

Snaboo gave a fiendish had no notion of his pork

squeal, and started at a terpie being converted into a

rific pace the shortest cut limited liability company.

to the Farm. PETER had So when his Mamma was

nothing to do but to hold busy with preparations for

on. He was bruised by the feast, and his sister was

branches, torn by briars, taking her music-lesson, he

and bespattered with mud. tied up the pork-pie in a

He arrived at the Farm blue pocket-handkerchief,

looking like a scarecrow, and stole quietly out of the

and found all his nicelyhouse, determined to have a

dressed little friends waiting private pic-nic.

for the birthday feast. He walked away rapidly

PETER, however, could not till he found himself in the

join in the festivity. Bumped, Waffle Woods, and when he

bruised and bleeding; torn, knew he was quite out of

tattered and tired; cross, sight and hearing, he sat

chilled and crestfallen; sick, hinıself down beneath an

sad and sorry, he had to go oak tree; he undid the blue

to bed at once. And there handkerchief, and brought

ho mused over the disadvanout his pork-pie. “Now,"

tages of gluttony and the said the greedy boy, as ho cut

fleeting nature of all earthly himself an enormous slice,

joys. “I shall enjoy myself very

Ever afterwards he treated much."

pigs with the most profound He continued to eat, but he found he did not enjoy it. He how- , respect, and he never saw a pork-pie without immediately longing ever, tried his hardest to fancy he was having a very good time. to give it away. At his fourth slice he heard a rustling in the bushes. He started and trembled, because he knew he was doing wrong. He was

LINES BY A LOVER OF FASHION. horrified to find the intruder was none other than Snaboo, his father's big black pig, also having a pic-nic by itself on acorns.

METAPHYSICIANS never will inveigle PETER was indeed frightened, because he remembered that he

My mind to study ail their hollow “humming”; had frequently goaded and teased Snaboo in its styo. Not a But in one thing I do agroo with HEGEL moment was to be lost. The Pig had seen the boy, and PETER

That “everything's becoming." had scarcely gained a safo position up the tree, before Snaboo

That is, of course, everything that's in fashion. was grunting furiously at its foot, and vindictively trampling the

(N.B.—This puts my spouse in such a passion!)

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MR. PUNCH'S HANDBOOK OF DEFINITIONS.

(For the Use of Young Writers.) MOTHERS-IN-LAW.

A BUTLER. (a.) They are such stuff as grandmothers are made of, Though (a.) A mean between a cook and a master. In the basement, the raw material is (conventionally) disagreeable, the manufactured and part of the ground floor, he reigns under the title of “ Mr.";

article is universally considered but, as he rises on the staircaso,
delightful. It is curious that the he drops in dignity, until he enters
same woman who is supposed to the drawing-room with a bare sur-
overwhelm a second generation name.
with advice and anger, should (6.) A glass of fashion to the
load the third with indulgence pantry department, and a mould of
and gifts.

form to the lady who moulds the
(6.) Stock for the professional creams and jellies. He is naturally
comic man's literary soup-kitchen. much addicted to the intimate com-
As thin humour à la mauvaise panionship of other glasses, which
femme, they are ladled out piping sometimes cast reflections upon his
hot in recitations, in farces, and character.
in the comic columns of country (c.) A privileged person, who
newspapers.

constantly sees what his host often
(c.) Women who reprove in their | desires, in vain, to see—the backs
daughters those domestic faults of all the guests at a dinner-party.
which they have never attempted He holds himself solemnly and
to control in their own conduct. silently aloof from all dinner-table
On the whole, they are kindly conversations; and tho joke of a
critics of the failings and merits guest, which throws a hostess into
of their sons-in-law, but they convulsions, fails to raise a smile
rarely associate on friendly terms upon his marble face. Though he

with those other mothers-in-law | is not invariably amiable, he frewith whom they may happen to be connected by marriage. They quently helps every guest at table, and, in this sense (amongst often bestow jewels and warnings upon their daughters-in-law. others) he is not only an aider, but a better than the host.

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ÆSOP UP TO DATE. THE LION IN LOVE (?) (The Peace at any Price Party.)

THE DOGS IN THE MANGER. (Tourists and Access to Mountains.)

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FOR JULY. This will be a great month for America. Nothing much elsewhere. It may be assumed that if the London County Council bas hitherto behaved with propriety (a large assumption), now will be the time for the members to distinguish themselves, individually and collectively, as idiots. They will be guilty of some gross piece of folly that will be received with derision by the world at large, and with joy by the writers of comic copy.

FOR AUGUST. On the 1st, the statutory Bank Holiday will be observed by the overcrowding of excursiontrains and the enlivening of quiet wateringplaces. Rejoicings at Margate. After months of wrangling over the smallest and least important measure, a year's legislation will be hurried through both Houses in half-a-dozen days. Goose-shooting commences. Hampers due early at Mr. Punch's Office, 85, Fleet Street. During the month a bad time may be expected in the City. The Outside Advertising Broker will advise in vain. In spite of frequent suggestions to take up Turkish Bösh and other securities of equal value, the public will stand aside.

SEPTEMBER CARTRIDGES and Partridges. On the 1st, partridge buying and selling will commence, the

shooting having begun some days previously. ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

On the 10th, the CHANCELLOR of the ExIn the Stable. Quite quict Horse being admired by Professional Groom and Amateur

CHEQUER will keep his sixty-first birthday, and Equestrian. “HE WOULDN'T HURT A Bier-HE'S A 'os AS YOU CAN TRUST.”

will reflect seriously upon the advisability of

extinguishing the Income Tax. People who were MR. PUNCH'S PREDICTIONS FOR 1892.

personally acquainted with King RICHARD THE THIRD will remember

that the 22nd of this month was (in 1485) the date of his death. FOR MAY.

There will be an invasion of Switzerland by the great tribes On the 1st the birthday of the Duke of CONNAUGHT will cause of BROWN, JONES and ROBINSON, and the clan of MCSMITH will great satisfaction, the event being celebrated by the Sun, who will flow into Italy. Letters of complaint, about foreign hotels and rise on this special occasion at 4:34 A.m., and set at 7.23 P.M. foreign travel generally, will appear in the Times. The 93rd anniversary of the Storming of Seringapam will be cele

OCTOBER. brated on the 4th by the survivors of that memorable victory. A list' EVERY one being more or less out of town until the end of the of the names of those present at the Academy Banquet will be given month, Fate will be busier abroad than at home. The GERMAN in the daily papers on the following morning. This will be a bad time for City men to put up their names at the West-End Clubs, as the operation is sure to end in disaster. South Africa will again attract attention, and the Daily Graphic will obtain letters from that interesting spot with a less expenditure than £2,000. Excitement may be expected in France, and several political prisoners will be sent to Siberia. The Volunteers will once more show a falling off in numbers, and questions will be asked in Parliament, without eliciting a satisfactory answer. Sporting men will take an interest in the Derby, and there will be a slight disturbance in South America. The weather of the month will be changeable. The Sun, however, will be seen several times during the thirty-one days by resident Londoners.

FOR JUNE. On the 18th, the 77th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo will produce a paragraph in the morning papers. In the House there will be several Divisions, which will lead to small results. The so-called “working-men” will require an eight hours' day of labour, but will be opposed by four-fifths of their fellows. The City will be unsettled, foreign stock being de

MAID pressed, and grey shirtings absolutely dull. The weather will be changeable, and once more become a topic of conversation. During the

ALL THE DIFFERENCE. month rain will be threatening, or actually fall Out of Stable. Professional Groom, accustomed to his rides, is giving a show-perfect. “He's in the Isle of Skye."

ALL RIGHT WHEN YOU KNOW HIM

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THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN.

(By an Old-fashioned Fellow.)
I'd sooner PHILLIS well-cooked a potato,
Than talk of the Symposium of PLATO :
I'd rather Chloe helped ma pass the bottle,
Than pass eulogiums on ARISTOTLE :
When physic should be shaken well and taken,
Kind Nurse NEÆRA need not talk of BACON:
And when soft fingers ought to mend my sock,
LALAGE should not lisp to me of LOCKE.
When I've the megrims and the time would kill,
MYRTILLA must not fill my mind with Mill,
Nor RHODOPE retort, when I incense her,
With icy arguments from HERBERT SPENCER,
No PHILLIS, CHLOE, LALAGE, NEÆRA,
I love not this emancipated era.
To teach the sweeter sex to know its station,
And fill it, is the Higher Education !

a
MIXED PROVERBS.
It is a long-suffering worm that has no turning.
A rolling snowball gathers as it goes.

The “proof” of tho plum-pudding is in the brandy-sauce.

When beauty looks out of window, love comes

in at the door. ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A “fourpenny doss” makes us acquainted

with strange bed-fellows. Amateur (making his acquaintance). “But-You 'VE GOT TO KNOW HIM FUST."

Early to bed and early to rise means snuffing

the candle of life at both ends. EMPEROR, who will have spent the summer in upsetting all the You cannot restore hearing to a deaf sow with a silken purse. arrangements of his Royal Brethren by paying them unsolicited Time and Tide never turn the “ Tables" on each other. visits, will turn his attention to domestic affairs. He will interfere The more “ laps " the less“ sprinting.” with the couriers, the housemaids, the piano-makers, the brewers, It generally takes three to make a quarrel; two to differ, and one the toy-manufacturers, and the chemists. Having settled these to set them by the ears. small matters, he will take funerals in hand, and revolutionise the Birds of a feather are the most jealous of each other's plumage, undertaking trade. After this he will alter all the railways, and fine feathers often making unfair birds. fortify Berlin. By this time the date will have been reached for You never value the water till your neighbour wants to fill his visits to Australia, Siberia, Thibet, and Timbuctoo. There will her bucket at your well. be storms at sea, and great trouble on land will be caused by the A “bird” in the bag is worth a brace in the heather. shens. opening, on the 24th, of the Michaelinas Law Sittings.

Don't buy eggs for hatching until you have counted your sitting For NOVEMBER. On the 3rd, the MIKADO of JAPAN will attain his thirtieth year, but in London the birthday will be observed with appropriate distinctions on the 5th. 9th, Good day for going out quietly and seeing the sights. A few persons will dine in the City. The General Election will certainly be held in this month, unless some other date is selected for an appeal to the Constituencies. Coals will rise in value, and much uneasiness will be felt as to the future of gas and the electric light. During the month, London will gradually receive back the number of holidaytaking absentees, who will receive a hearty welcome by the County Council, who will carefully take up the roads on the Embankment, the Strand, Fleet Street, Holborn, and other popular thoroughfares.

For DECEMBER. THE year will end in comparatively cold weather. Compared with August, the thermometer will be found several degrees lower, although possibly higher than the readings of July. On the 17th, the Law Terms of the year will end amidst great rejoicings. After this there will be no date worthy of notice until the 25th, when all the world over there will be family greetings of a more or less cordial character. 26th. Good day to go out of Town early, and remain in some part of the country where you are quite unknown, and where no Christmas-boxes can be

ALL THE DIFFERENCE. expected of you, returning in time for first

""OFF! OFF!' CRIED THE STRANGER, Pantomime Night at Drury Lane.

'OFF! OFF! AND AWAY.'

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EMBER.

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