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Podb. Whew, old chap! I say, I wouldn't be you for something! Won't you catch it when you do turn up? But look here-as things

A LATTERDAY VALENTINE. are, we may as well travel home together, eh?

(LEAP YEAR: NEW STYLE.) Culch. (with a flicker of resentment). In spite of my tendency to “jaw" and "jabber"?

(From Miss Anastasia Jay, New York, to Thomas, Earl of Dunbrowne, Podb. Oh, never mind all that now. We're companions in mis- |

London.) fortune, you know, and we'd better stick together, and keep each VALENTINES plebeian

But their disappearance other's spirits up. After all, you 're in a much worse hat than Cannot fix an Earl

Beats me to explain. I am!

I'm as you may see, an Culch. If that's the way you propose to keep my spirits up!! Ardent Yankee girl.

THOMAS, I adore thee ! - But let us keep together, by all means, if you wish it, Nothing “soft” you 'll find THOMASis thy name, and just go and find out when the next train starts, will you ? (To here,

Isn't it?—the more the himself, as PODBURY departs.) I must put up with him a little No old-fashioned lay ;

Scandal and the shame! longer, I suppose. Ah me! How differently I should be feeling Say then, you'll be mine, dear, All I ask you, Tom, is now, if HYPATIA had only been true to herself. But that's all over, In the modern way.

Just one loving line, and I daresay it's better so . . , I daresay! [He strolls into the hotel-garden, and begins to read his Chief's | You (we haven't met as missive once more, in the hope of deciphering some faint

of deciphering some faint Yet I must record) encouragement between the lines.

Figure in Debrett as

Out-and-out a Lord :
FINIS.

Ancestors, a thousand,

Dignities, a score

Hear my bashful vows,
A TENNYSONIAN FRAGMENT.

and
So in the village inn

Think this matter o'er.
the Poet dwelt.

I don't in for Pa go;
His honey - dew was Pa despised New York ;

gone; only the pouch, Porpa in Chicago
His cousin's work, her| Cultivated pork:

empty labour, left. But still he sniffed it,

+ Ma was born a Gerald ;

Im

el Birth was Morma's still a fragrance clung

pride-
And lingered all about la

As the New York Herald
the broidered flowers.
Then came his land-

| Mentioned when she died.
lord, saying in broad | Well, my pile's a million,
Scotch,

That's a fact, you bet:
“ Smoke plug, mon,"I'm in our cotillon
whom he looked at Quite the Broadway Pet :
doubtfully.

I can sing like PATTI;
Then came the grocer, saying, And to win I went
“Hae some twist

For the Cincinnati
At tippence,” whom he answered Tennis Tournament.

with a qualm.
But when they left him to himself I've a lovely right hand;
again,

| For my face I've sat
Twist, like a fiend's breath from a By electric light-and
distant room

| Elegant at that!
Diffusing through the passage, I enclose the photo,
crept; the smell

Just for you to see,
Deepening had power upon him, But deny in toto
and he mixt

That it flatters me.
Iis fancies with the billow-lifted
bay

You, I've read, are rather
Of Biscay, and the rollings of a “Up, the Spout” for
ship.

cash,

Owing to your father
And on that night he made a little song,

Having been so splash:
And called his song " The Song of Twist and Plug,"

I from debt could free you, One type-written promise
And sang it: scarcely could he make or sing.

And in Politics

Publishing you mine. “Rank is black plug, though smoked in wind and rain; Calculate to see you And rank is twist, which gives no end of pain;

Bagging all the tricks.

Matrimony's heart is
I know not which is ranker, no, not I.

Houselike, “half-detached,” “Plug, art thou rank? Then milder twist must be ;

| Any Earl who marries

Seldom save at parties
ANASTASIA JAY

Or in papers matched-
Plug, thou art milder; rank is twist to me.

Will (except in Paris)

Answer Yes," or break 'll 0 Twist, if plug be milder, let me buy.

Get his little way,

This poor heart of mine. “ Rank twist, that seems to make me fade away,

Fear no interference ;

Be my Fin-de-Siècle,
Rank plug, that navvies smoke in loveless clay,

Relatives remain,

Be my Valentine !
I know not which is ranker, no, not I.
"I fain would purchase flake, if that could be ;
I needs must purchase plug, ah woe is me!

QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.—“This Influenza is
Plug and a cutty, a cutty, let me buy."

nothing new, nor is the Microbe. Wasn't MICROBIUS an ancient classic writer? Didn't he treat this subject historically? There's

evidently some confusion of ideas somewhere. As Hamlet says :COMPLICATED CASE.—The other day, an Italian Organ-grinder was

0, cursed spite arrested for having shot one GIUSEPPE PIA. “He admitted the

That ever I was born to set it right.' charge" (we quote the Globe), “but said the gun went off accidentally." When a Gentleman " admits the charge” (though indeed But I beg pardon, that 'set it right' shows that Hamlet was a it was the other one who did that), how the gun went off seems to Surgeon, not a Physician. Excuse me. “To bed! To bed!!" be a matter of secondary importance.

SAD THOUGHT IN MY OWN LIBRARY.-I am a stranger among THE NAME AND THE THING.A vote of thanks to Sir CHARLES books. Resting on their shelves, they all turn their backs on me. RUSSELL, after his address to the Liberal and Radical Association, En revanche, if I find among them a new one, a perfect stranger to was carried by a Wapping Majority.

| me, I cut him.

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TRUE HOSPITALITY. (Sir Bonamy Cresus gives seven Dinner Parties a week, and expects his Friends to come and choose their own day, and inscribe their Names and

the Date on the Dinner-Book in the Hall.) Fair Visitor. "LOOK, GEORGE! WEDNESDAY, THE 19TH, THE FETTERBYS ARE COMING. THAT 'LL DO CAPITALLY!" (Writes down Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Feb. 19th.") "AND THERE 'S ROOM FOR ONE MORE. LET 'S DRIVE ROUND TO EMILY'S, AND GET HER TO COME AND PUT HER NAME DOWN FOR THE SAME DAY!”.

JOKIM.

fully suggestive of life-sized figure of tombstone-mourner, he ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

intoned his lamentation—"is not fitted for the part, and conseEXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

quently overdoes it. L' Allegro is his line. Il Penseroso does not

suit him." House of Commons, Monday, February 8.-The coming of Prince Everyone glad when, sermon over, and the black-edged folios ARTHUR anxiously looked for as Members gathered for last put aside, the Squire began business. Happy enough in his attack Session of a memorable Parliament. When, in August last, he, on Jokim, always a telling subject in present House of Commons. with the rest of us, went away, OLD MORALITY still sat in “He is,” says SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE's Gate, drawing upon his Leader's place. He was, truly, just then absent in the flesh, already theatrical experiences, “like the Policeman in the Pantomime; wasting with the dire disease that carried him off. It was JOKIM always safe for a roar of laughter if you bonnet him or trip him up who occupied the place of Leader ; Prince ARTHUR, content to sit over the doorstep." lower down. It seemed to some that when vacancy occurred JOKIM, For the rest, as Prince ARTHUR pointed out when he came to that veteran Child of Promise, would step in, and younger men wait reply, Squire's speech had very little to do with the Address, on their turn. But youth of certain quality must come to the front, as which it was ostensibly based. Couldn't resist temptation of BONAPARTE testified even before he went to Italy, and as Pitt enlarging on financial science for the edification of the unhappy showed when the Rockingham Administration went to pieces.

Prince ARTHUR came in shortly after four o'clock. House full, “Finance," observed DICKY TEMPLE, "is HARCOURT's foible." especially on Opposition Benches; faint blush suffused ingenuous “Yes,” said JENNINGS, whom everyone is glad to see back in cheek as welcoming cheer arose. Seemed to know his way to better health, “and funeral sermons are his forte." Leader's place, and took it naturally. Pretty to see JOKIM drop in Through nearly hour and half the Squire mourned and jibed, on one side of him with MATTHEWS on the other, buttressing him Prince ARTHUR listening attentively, all unconscious of the Shades about with financial reputation and legal erudition. Tableau hovering about the historic seat in which he lounged, as nearly as quite undesigned, but none the less effective. Prince ARTHUR, young, possible, at full length-OLD MORALITY, kindly generous, pleased in hot-tempered and, though not without parts, prone to commit errors another's prosperity ; STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, marvelling at the madof judgment. But with JOKIM at his left shoulder, and HENRY ness of a world he has not been loth to quit; Dizzy tickled with the MATTHEWS at his right, humble citizens looking on from opposite whole situation, though perhaps a little shocked to see a Leader of Benches, felt a sweet content. On such a basis, the Constitution the House resting apparently on his shoulder-blades in the seat might stand any blast.

where from 1874 to 1876 there posed an upright statuesque figure with In absence of Mr. G., who still dallies with the sunshine of folded arms and mask-like face, lit up now and then by the gleam of Riviera, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, fresh from hunting in the New eyes that saw everything whilst they seemed to be looking no whither. Forest, more than fills the place of Leader of Opposition. A favour- Pam was there, too, with slightly raised eyebrows as they fell on the able opportunity for distinguishing himself marred by accidental youthful form already installed in a place he had not reached till he prevalence of funereal associations.

was almost twice the age of the newcomer. JOHNNY RUSSELL, “The Squire,” said PLUNKET—watching him as, with legs scowled at the intruder under a hat a-size-and-half too big for his reverently crossed, and elbow sympathisingly resting on box, care-l legs. CANNING looked on, and thought of his brief tenure of the

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SHADE OF PAM. “H'M! A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THE PART, -DON'T YOU THINK ? "

SHADE OF Dizzy. “WELL, YES! WE HAD TO WAIT FOR IT A GOOD MANY YEARS. - BUI (I THINK HE'LL DO."

same place whilst the century was young. Still further in the shade were lying under a pall, “Every man," as O'HANLON says, “not PITT joined the group.

knowing what moment may be his inext." Still on Debate on "Well at least he was even younger when he came to our place,” | Address. When resumed to-night, CHAMBERLAIN stepped into Pam whispered in Dizzy's ear, startling him as he inadvertently ring and took off his coat. When Members saw the faithful JESSE touched his cheek with the straw he still seems to hold in his teeth, bring in sponge and vinegar-bottle, knew there would be some sport. as he did when JOHN LEECH was alive.

Anticipation not disappointed. JOE in fine fighting form. Went for Prince ARTHUR, facing the crowded Opposition Benches, of course the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD round after round; occasionally turned to saw nothing of this; lounged and listened smilingly as the Squire, aim a “wonner” at his “Right Hon. Friend” JOHN MORLEY. having shaken up JOKIM and his one-pound notes, went off to Exeter Conservatives delighted; had always thought just what Joe was sayto pummel the MARKISS.

ing, but hadn't managed to put their ideas into such easily fleeting, Business done.-Address moved.

barbed sentences. Only once was there any shade on the faces of Wednesday.-Evidently going to be an Agricultural Labourer's the country gentlemen opposite. That spread when Joe proposed to Session. Small Holdings Bill put in fore

quote the “ lines of CHURCHILL." front of Programme. District Councils

"No, no," said Lord HENRY BRUCE in audible whisper, “he'd hinted at. In this situation it was stroke

better leave GRANDOLPH alone. Never' knew he wrote poetry. If of genius, due I believe to the MARKISS,

he did, there's lots of others. Why, when we're going on so nicely, that such happy selection was made of

why drag in CHURCHILL?Mover of Address.

Depression only momentary. Conservative cheers rose again and "It's trifles that make up the mass,

again as Joe, turning a mocking face, and shaking a minatory foremy dear nephew," the MARKISS said, when

finger at the passive monumental figure of the guileless SQUIRE OF this matter was being discussed in the

MALWOOD, dia, as JOHN MORLEY, with rare outburst of anger, preRecess. “No detail is so small that we can

sently said, from his place in the centre of the Liberal Camp, afford to omit it. It was a happy thought

"denounce and assail Liberal principles, Liberal measures, and his of yours, perhaps a little too subtle for some

old Liberal colleagues.” intellects, to associate CHAPLIN with Small

After this it was nothing that, some hours later, O'HANLON, rising Holdings. In this other matter, let me

from a Back Bench, and speaking on another turn of the Debate, have my way. Put up HODGE to move the

should observe, in loud voice, with eye fixed in fine frenzy on the Address. It will be worth 10,000 votes in

nape of the Squire's neck, as he sat on the Front Bench with folded the agricultural districts. I suppose he

arms, “I do not believe in the Opposition Leaders, who have split wouldn't like to come down in a smock

up my Party, and are now living on its blood.” frock with a whip in his hand ? Don't

Business done.-JOSEPH turns and rends his Brethren. know why he shouldn't; quite as reason

Friday Night.-In Commons night wasted by re-delivery of able as a civilian getting himself up as a

speeches made last year by Irish Members pleading for amnesty for Colonel or an Admiral. With HODGE in a

Dynamitards. JOHN REDMOND began it. No Irish Member could smock frock moving the Address we'd

afford to be off on this scene, so one after another they trotted out sweep the country. But that I must leave

their speeches of yester-year. to you'; only let us have HODGE.”

Lords much more usefully occupied in discussing London Fog. So it was arranged. But Member for

MIDDLETON moved for Royal Commission. MARKISS drew fine dig. Accrington wouldn't stand the smock

tinction. “What you really want to remedy,” he said, “is not the frock. Insisted upon coming out in war

fog itself, but its colour.” Rather seemed to like the fog, per se, if like uniform. Trousers a little tight about Orator Hodge (in mufti). only his particular fancy in matter of colour gratified. Didn't the knees, and jacket perhaps a trifle too

mention what colour he preferred; but fresh difficulty looming out tasselly. But made very good speech in the circumstances.

of the fog evident. Tastes differ. If every man is to have his own Business done.-Bills brought in by the half hundred.

particular coloured fog, our last state will be worse than the first. Thursday Night.-Things been rather dull hitherto. House as it | Business done. None.

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AN INFLUENZA SONG.

HORACE IN LONDON.
AIR—Oh, we're all noddin'."

To The County Council. (AD REMPUBLICAM.)
Oh, we've none coddlin',

NEW vessel, now returning ship
Cod, cod, coddlin';

From this thy tried and trial trip,
Oh, we've none coddlin',

Refit in dock awhile: I fear
At our house at home!

Your ballast looks a trifle

queer. Ha!-my Father has a cough

Now-my Mother has a wheeze; Your rigging ("rigging" is a What !! my Brother has a pain

word In forehead, arms, chest, back and knees. By other folk than seamen heard) So-we've three coddlin', &c.

Has got a little loose; you need How my eldest Sister aches

An overhaul, you do indeed. From her forehead to her toes !

Your sails (or purchases ?) should And my second Brother's eyes

stay Are weeping either side his nose.

The stress—and Press—that 'on 5
So-we've five coddlin', &c.

them weigh: There's my eldest Brother down

This constant playing to the
With a pain all round his head,
Ah! I'm the only one who's up-

Will, scarcely weather blus-
Oh!... Oh!... I'll go to bed;!

tering odds. So-were're all coddlin', &c. In vain to blazon “London's As the Doctor orders Port,

Heart" Orders Burgundy, Champagne,

As figure-head, if thus you part Good living and good drinking,

Unseaworthy; in vain to boast
Why we none of us complain,

Your “boom”-a'cranky boom
While we're-all coddlin',

at most.
Cod, cod, coddlin',...
We rate you, we who pay your rates :

I always voted you a bore,
While we're all coddlin'
Beware the overhauling fates,

But never quite so much before
At our house at home!
Beware lest down you go at last

Besought you with a frugal mind
The sport and puppet of the blast.

To sail not quite so near the wind. BY A SMALL WESTERN.-Orientals take off their shoes on entering a Mosque. We re- MRS. R. AGAIN.–To our excellent old lady, being convalescent, her niece was reading move our hats on entering a Church. Both the news. She commenced about the County Council, the first item in the report being symbolical ; one leaves his understanding headed, “An Articulated Skeleton.” Ah!” interrupted the good lady, "murder will outside; the other enters with a clear head. out! And where did they find the skeleton of the Articulated Clerk P"

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