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me afternoon tea in a little sanctum behind ON MY LADY'S POODLE.

the shop, and chatted most pleasantly. My I WONDER what on earth it is

wife's friend the head of Firm. Said the That makes me think my lady's poodle Ceylon Mixture was a mistake – really in(Her minion smug of solemn phiz,)

tended for kitchen use—but as they've only The pink and pattern of a noodle : just started business, their stocks have got Its eyes are deep; their look, serene ; jumbled together. She hoped- quite peni

Its lips are sensitive and smiling ; tently—that I would "overlook the error." But oh! the gross effect, I ween,

What could I say? What I did was to order Is, passing measure, dull and riling. | a whole box of their “Incomparable Congou,"

at four shillings a pound. It is not that its locks are crisp ;

Wife (when I tell her of this) seems surYour humble servant's hair is crisper, prised. Says “she won't send me shopping It is not that its accents lisp;.

again.” But can one call this cosy-this teaI, too, affect a stammered whisper : cosy – social visit to three accomplished Nor that a gorgeous bow it wears

women by the vulgar term “shopping” . And struts with particoloured bib

Wife incautiously mentions that she is on;

“out of Coffee.” Gives me an excuse to call I like these macaronic airs;

on Firm again, and see if they sell Coffee too. I'm very fond of rainbow ribbon. Yes, they do. Head of Firm more fascinating Nor can it be-of this I'm sure

than ever. Asks me “if I would mind, as a Because she pampers all its wishes

very great favour, mentioning her tea to all And tempts her peevish epicure

my City friends ? She knows I have great With dainty meats in dainty dishes.

influence in the City.” Says this with winTo tell the truth, while I'm her guest,

ning smile. Query – is not Mincing Lane My little wants and whims' she rather an appropriate locality for Lady Teastudies;

dealers ? If "Beau" 's a rival, I protest

| Later. Wife has forbidden my ever going No jealous tincture in my blood is.

to Mincing Lane again! Says the box of

Incomparable Congou " was mere “dust." I wonder, wonder, at a loss

The cause (should pride the cause withhold, so are my hopes ! To justify such wayward snarling

She bodes and I deserve a scrimmage,) It makes her very, very cross

The cause is this-she calls, I'm told, My poor opinion of her darling; The little brute my“ Living image!A DENTIST'S WAITING-ROOM.

CLASPING tight my jaw, I staggered, LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. HYDE PARK CORNER.

Pale and haggard, _DEAR MR. PUNCH,—My dear friend, Lady

To this room,

(MAY, 1892.) HARRIET ENTOUCAS, said to me, the other

Where were fellow-martyrs sitting day at Kempton, when I told her to have a My hansom here completely stuck;

In befitting, sovereign on Conifer :-“My dear Lady Gay, No chance to catch my train, worse luck!

Solemn gloom; your tips are so marvellous that I really

I sit and wonder:

Whilst they turned, with air dejected, wonder you don't write to the papers !" Why should the roads be up in May ?

Book's collected
Being struck with the idea, my thoughts
Who muddles matters in this way,

To amuse, naturally flew to you—not only as the most

With bungling blunder ?

Graphics, or accumulated gallant Editor of my acquaintance, but also What use to make a shapeless space,

Illustrated as probably the only one hitherto unrepre Where rambling roadways interlace,

London News. sented with a regular Turf Correspondent.

Ånd, in the Season,
It is, therefore, with true feminine confidence To close just what was meant to save

How they glared! No fellow-feeling that I place my services at your disposal, This block, because they want to pave ?

O'er them stealing,

Made them kind; and, my information being of the most unre

What is the reason ? liable description (derived invariably from

“Touch of nature” that is dental By Jove, it's like some years ago,

Makes no mental the owners), I feel sure that those of your The traffic stopping in a row

Kin, I find. readers who follow my tips will have no

In Piccadilly! cause to regret their temerity, as, being like The Vestry does not care a pin

There I sat, the numbers growing all women, nothing if not original, I intend For all the muddle that we're in;

Less, each going to tip, not the probable winner, but the prob

To his fateable last horse in important races!

They ’re much too silly,

What a dismal occupation ! As I invariably attend all the fashionable Perhaps they'd say they meant it well.

My elation meetings and most of the unfashionable I do not know. All I can tell

Was not great(incognito of course the latter), it can be left

Is that I'm raving. to me to decide which horse was last-thus

I'd send that Vestry down below, reducing the matter to a certainty-dis

Where all such good intentions go, tinctly an object to be gained in making a

To make more paying ! bet-whatever men may say to the contrary.

An ancestor of mine (the poet of the name) -having transmitted to me a spark of his

FAIR TRADERS. genius-1 propose to give my selections in LADY friend of my wife's wants us to try verse-select verse in fact, and will now in her tea"! Seems she's started (with two concluding my letter, give my tip for the other Ladies) as Firm of Tea Merchants in probable last horse in the Derby-(which, City. What are we coming to ? Or rather, by the way, happens in this case to be a what are male Tea Merchants coming to ? mare-I repeat-I am nothing if not original!) | Mr. Registrar BROUGHAM, most likely. In -and, before doing so, I should like to express incautious moment-as I was out-wife pro my sympathy with the Duke of WESTMINSTER mised to give her an order for a couple of

Heard the butler call each saddened, and John PORTER, who have indeed had an pounds of her “best Ceylon Mixture."

Toothache-maddened' Orme-ful of trouble with the unfortunate | Tried it. Never tasted such vile stuff!

Victim's name; erstwhile Derby Favourite, which would un- Wife agrees, and asks me to call at the Firm's

Watched them wincing as they strode out: doubtedly have been my selection had he not Offices and see if they haven't got anything

I should no doubt with more Ceylon and less Mixture in it.

Look the same. LADY GAY. Don't much like the job. How can one blow “THE TIP."

Then, when me he had to take in, up a woman whom one will have to meet in

“Mr. AIKIN!” The Baron boldly said, “Je vais one's own drawing-room, calling ?

Made me quail; Renvoyer cette dépêche :

Have looked in. Must say that Tea-deal O'er the after vivisection
•À Monsieur FRY of London Town. eress is better than her tea. Really quite

Recollection
Un livre sur La Frèche !"". an attractive person. The three of them gave

Draws a veil!

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Think of the cotton-laden FROM THE SHADES.

trains (At the Sign of the Castor

Direct from Manchester to and Pollux.")

Asia!

Think of the Sheffield Rail. DEAR MISTER PUNCH, —

way's gains, Look at 'ere! This is not

Not of your lilac or acacia! one of your penny papersthere was none on 'em in my time-ups and says, says it:

"ONE TOUCH OF NATURE" -"The travelling expenses

To introduce in a monufrom America of Mr. JACK

ment to a great writer a preSon, who is coming to Eng

sentment of one of his most land to fight Mr. ŠLAVIN for

popular characters, as Mr. the Championship of the

F. EDWIN ELWELL has done World, are reckoned at no

in his bronze statue of less than £150."

Charles Dickens and Wy, wot a delikit plarnt,

'Little Nell'” is decidedly wot a blooming hexotic, this

a pretty notion. "The “Mister" JACKSON (oh, the

child," looking up into the pooty perliteness of it !) must

face of the great creative be! Saloon passage and fust

genius, who loved this offclass fare, I persoom, for the

spring of his sympathetic likes of' 'im. Isters and

fancy better than did all her champagne, no doubt, and

other admirers, is a pathetic liquoor brandy, and sixpenny smokes! A poor old

figure, and gives to the

monument a more human pug like me wos glad of a

and less coldly mortuary assteak and inguns, and a 'arf

pect than, unhappily, is usual ounce o'shag, with a penny

in such work. It is a "touch clay. And as to “travelling

of Nature” that makes even hexpenses"-I wonder wot

the adjunct of the mausothe Noble Captings of our

leum akin to the quick world day would ’ave said to the

of the living and loving. The accounts laid afore your

vivid valiant genius, who so “National Sporting Club!” £2000 for the Purse, and

detested and denounced the

superfluous horrors with £150 for Mister Jackson's

which we surround death travelling hexpenses ! ! ! Oh,

and the tomb, would corIsay! Pugs is a-looking up!

dially have And yet I'm told someo'

approved it,

little as was his love for your cockered-upfly-flappers

monumental effigies, or care carnt 'it a 'ole in a pound

for the fame that is dependo' butter, or stand a straight WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ONE WHO PAINTS THE PRETTY

ent on them. nose-ender without turning faint! Evidently funking

"KISS-MAMMY” PICTURES) HAS TO PUT UP WITH. and faking pays a jolly sight Tommy. “IT'S A LITTLE GIRL, FAST ASLEEP, WITH HER DOLL IN HER ARMS I" | VERY “FRENCH BEFORE better than 'onesty and 'ard Jimmy. “YES; AND WHEN SHE WAKES UP, WON'T SHE BE FRIGHTENED BREAKFAST." – It was re'itting. AT THAT GREAT BIG BIRD!”

ported in the Times that a Well, well, Mister Punch,'

M. ROULEZ fought four duels I'm hout of it now, thanksbe. And I ain't |

| between nine and ten on Wednesday mornsure as I could shape myself 'andy to the ST. JOHN'S WOOD. ing, severely wounded his four adversaries, Slugger SULLIVAN and JEM SMITH kind o'

and then, after this morning's pleasure, caper. The “resources o' science" is so re | THESE hapless homes of middle class,

went about his business, that is his ordinary markable different from what they wos in Can they escape annihilation

business, as if nothing particular had hapmy days, and include so many new-fangled When come, in place of trees and grass, pened. To this accomplished swordsman the barnies as we worn't hup to. These 'ere A filthy goods-yard and a station ? series of combats had been merely like taking pugilistic horchids, so to speak, wants deliket|

a little gentle exercise " pour faire Rouler 'andling in the Ring, as well as hout on it. If such seclusion sheltered Peers,

le sang." The combatants, as it turns out, and a fair ’ammering from a 'onest bunch 3 | Their wealth and influence might save it ;

ence might save it ; appear to have been like Falstaff's "men in fives might spile the pooty look of 'em for | No speculator ever fears

buckram." their fust-clarss Saloons, Privet Boxes, and Artists or writers such as crave it ; Swell Clubs. But you can tell Mister Jack

THE LIMB AND THE LAW.-“To whom SON, Eskvire, an cetrer, an cetrer, an cetrer

Or if it housed the WORKING MAN, (put it all in, please, Sir, as I vant to be per

Would Lords or Commons dare eject him ?

ot himo does an amputated limb belong ?” queries lite), that in my day I'd a bin only too 'appy Picture th por Picture the clamour if you can!

the Standard (à propos of the case of the

boy HOUSLEY, whose father demanded that to fight 'im to a finish (which mighn't ha! His vote, his demagogues, protect him.

the arm out off in the Infirmary should be bin in five minutes, 'either, hunless he wanted

But you, who only use your brains it so), for-his Travelling Hexpenses !!!

given up to him). The answer is clear. An Yours to kommand,

amputated limb belongs to no body!
The people's voice, the noble's money,

Not yours—why save you from the trains ?
THE CHICKEN.
For quiet, do you say? How funny !

In Defence of the Great Paradoxist.
| Perhaps you think, because in May
Singular Plurality!

He may not be “earnest,” he may not be The talk is all of Art and beauty,

"smart," O SHAW-LEFEVRE, was it but fatality, The Commons also think that way;

You may say, if you please, he's unable to Or could it be because the subjects bore 'em, Not so, they have a higher duty.

sing;

(art,”That, when you wished to argue on plurality,

But, oh, you must own he's a "work of About one Member came to form a quorum ? | If only speculators shout,

A "beautiful untrue thing!” No doubt the others meant this to denote

| And millionnaires take up the story, That when you speak you like “One Man,

They thrust all Art and Nature out,
One Vote.”
For Trade is England's greatest glory.

ASPIRATIONS.-A Music-hall Manager told

the Parliamentary Committee sitting on Then, if a careless House some day

Theatres and Places of Entertainment, that FRIENDLY ADVICE TO MRS. HUMPHRY Permit the Channel Tunnel boring, he did not believe in Art with a capital WARD, À PROPOS OF HER TROUBLE WITH Think how this railway line would pay; A. Perhaps he believed in Art with a HER ADVERSE CRITICS.-Grieve no more! If you had shares you 'd cease deploring. capital H ?

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THE ROYAL PARLIAMENTARY TOURNAMENT; OR, THE SESSION ENDS IN SMOKE.

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