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(In January.)
Just take a look round, most respectable

Madam ;
New Year's Day is an excellent time for

the task,
When serious thoughts come to each son of

Who dares to peep under Convention's

smug mask.

To a Card-player

A Nappy
To a Smart Girl A Snappy"
To a Flirt

A “ Chappy"
To an Old Maid

A Cappy
To an Infant

To a Pigeon-shot

A Trappy
To an Explorer

A Mappy
To a Student

A Sappy
To a Cross Child

A Slappy
To an aspiring Pugilist A “Scrappy"
To a Spiritualist

To a Toper

A “Lappy
To Toby

A Yappy
To a Snuff-taker A Rappee

New Year to you!


Who, as our Dresden's wreck we scanned,
Protested, with assurance bland,
“It come to pieces in my 'and "?

My Housemaid.
Who "tidies" things each Monday morn,
And hides—until, with search outworn,
I wish I never had been born?

My Housemaid.



H-r M-j-sty. The hearty congratulations of a loyal and united people.

The Pr-nce and Pr-nc-88. — The most welcome of daughters-in-law.

Prince Alb-rt V-ct-r.-May in February.

The Rest of the R-y-1 F-m-ly.--The best
of wishes from every body.

L-rd S-1-st-ry.-General Election.
Mr. Arth-, B-lf-r.-A Translation from
the Irish.

Mr. J. Ch-mb-rl-n,-Promotion,

Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt.-A Vision of the

The Cz-r of R-s8-a.—A Vision of another
sort of Sack.

The G-rm-n Emp-r-r. New toys personally selected.

President C-rn-t.-The compliments of the
| Marquis of DUFFERIN.

Herr Ib8-n.-A tale without a plot.
| Mr. R-dy-rd K-pl-ng.-Quite another story.

The Corporation of L-v-rp-1.—The Freedom
of the Grand Old Man.

The Grund Old M-n.-The loss of the Your sword looks a little bit rusty and

Corporation of Liverpool. notched, Ma'am;

And Mr. P-nch. - Tons of material (volunYour scales now and then hang a trifle

triftarily contributed) for the Grand Old Waste Who “turns " my study "out" that day, askew; Ma'am! Paper Basket.

And then contrives to pitch away A lot of your Ministers need to be watched,

As “rubbish ” (which it is) my Play ? Punch isn't quite pleased with the prospect BOS v. BOSS.

My Housemaid. -are you?

One of the Delegates at the Conference on Who guards within her jealous care, If one could but take a wide survey, though Rural Reforms said, “We do not want to be bossed Mending or marking, till I swear, summary, by the Parsons" ; another, “ We don't want soup

The underclothes I long to wear Of all the strange “sentences" passed in or blankets, but fair play.”]

My Housemaid. one year

O GENEROUS By persons called “Justices"—(yes, it sounds

gents, who

Who cultivates a habit most fummery), [I fear.

have the

Perverse, of running to “The Post" Justice would look like Burlesque, Ma'am,

“cure of

To meet her brothers (such a host !)? Excellent subject for whimsical GILBERT,


My Housemaid. But not a nice spectacle, Madam, for me.

Learn hence Who, if she spends her “Sundays out” Long spell of “chokee" for prigging a

that justice At Chapel, as she does, no doubt, filbert

wins far Must be protractedly devout ? (Given, you bet, by some rural J. P.);

more than

My Housemaid. Easy let-off for a bogus “Promoter,"

doles. Helping the ruin of hundreds for gain;


Who takes my novels down (it must Six months for stealing a turnip or "bloater,"

and soup

Be, as she vows, of course, “to dust"),

And thumbs them, much to my disgust ? Ditto for bashing a wife on the brain:

D a mes Sentences cut to one-twelfth on appealing,


My Housemaid. Judges and juries at loggerheads quite!

may give, Who “can't abide” a play or ball, Really each day brings some curious revealing,

But what But dearly loves a Funeral, Putting you, Ma'am, in a very strange light.

HODGE Or Exeter's reproachless Hall ? Take my advice, Ma'am, this bright New

craves is a

My Housemaid. Year's morning,

fair chance Who late returning thence, in fits Give a look up to your agents all round;

to live

Of what she terms “ Historics," sits,To some give the sack, and to others a warning;

On labour And this day month my service quits? The Public will back up your move, I'll be

fairly paid,

My Housemaid. bound!

Bos Locutus Est !

not casual


SALISBURY'S “ Circuses,” and smart buffoons, | QUITE CLEAR.—" Aha! mon ami,exGREEK MEETS GREEK.—“What!"exclaimed Won't move him, by “amusement," from claimed our friend JULES, during the recent an indignant scholar, who had not peeped into that wish.

murky weather in Town, “ you ask me the a Classic for some forty years, “no more com- Parties may mutually denounce or “dish ;” difference between our Paris and your pulsory Greek at our Universities! What But what will win the Labourer for a friend London. Tenez, I will tell you. Paris is are we coming to? All I can say is, ' Absit Is Home and Work, without the Workhouse always très gai, veritablement gai; but omen'!" "Scuse me!” replied his friend, end !

[loss, London is toujours faux gai-you see it is who was all for the new learning, “but Listen! Those who heed not will bide the always fo-gay.” And he meant "fog-gy." I should say, 'Absit Homer'!

For Bos locutus est,-against the Boss! | Well, he wasn't far wrong, just now.

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Miss T. The morning! Why, Poppa and I saw the entire show

inside of ten minutes, before breakfast! No. XXI.

Culch. Ah! (Discouraged.) What do you say to studying the SCENE- The Steps of the Hotel Dandolo, about 11 A.M. PODBURY Ducal Palace

Vine and Fig-tree angles and the capitals of the arcades in the

I will go and fetch the Stones of Venice. is looking expectantly down the Grand Canal, CULCHARD is

Miss T. I guess you can leave those old stones in peace. I don't leaning upon the balustrade.

feel like studying up anything this morning-it's as much as ever I Podbury. Yes, met Bob just now. They've gone to the Europa, but can do not to scream aloud ! we've arranged to take a gondola together, and go about. They 're Culch. Then shall we just drift about in a gondola all the morning, to pick me up here. Ah, that looks rather like them. (A gondola and-er-perhaps do the Academy later? approaches, with Miss PRENDERGAST and BoB; PODBURY goes down Miss T. Not any canals in this hot sun for me! I'd be just as the steps to meet them.) How are you, Miss PRENDERGAST! Here sick! That gondola will keep till it's cooler. I am, you see.

Culch. (losing patience). Then I must really leave it to you to make Miss Prendergast (ignoring Co's salute). How do you do, Mr. Pod- a suggestion ! BURY? Surely you don't propose to go out in a gondola in that hat! Miss T. Well, I believe I'll have a good look round the curiosity

Podb. (taking off a brown "pot-hat,and inspecting it). It-it's stores. There's ever such a cunning little shop back of the Clock quite decent. It was new when I came away!

Tower on the Pi-azza, where I saw some brocades that were just too Bob (who is surly this morning). Hang it all, 'PATIA ! Do you want sweet! So I'll take Poppa along bargain-hunting. Don't you come him to come out in a chimney-pot ? Jump in, old fellow; never mind if you'd rather poke around your old churches and things! your tile?

| Culch. I don't feel disposed to-er—"poke around" alone; so, if Podb. (apologetically). I had a straw once-but I sat on it. I'm you will allow me to accompany you,awfully sorry, Miss PRENDER

Miss T. Oh, I'll allow you GAST. Look here, shall I gc

to escort me. It's handy and see if I can buy one ?

having someone around to Miss P. Not now-it doesn't

carry parcels. And Poppa 's signify, for once. But a round

bound to drop the balance hat and a gondola are really

every time! too incongruous!

Culch. (to himself). That's Podb. Are they? A lot of

all I am to her. A beast of the Venetians seem to wear

burden! And a whole precious 'em. (He steps in.) Now

morning squandered on this what are we going to do-just

confounded shopping-when I potter about it

might have been-ah, well! Miss P. One hardly comes

[Follows, under protest. to Venice to potter! I thought we'd go and study the Car

On the Grand Canal. 9 P.M. paccios at the Church of the

A brilliant moonlight night; Schiavoni first — they won't

a music-barge, hung with take us more than an hour or

coloured lanterns, is moving so; then cross to San Giorgio

slowly up towards the Rialto, Maggiore, and see the Tinto

surrounded and followed by rets, come back and get a

a fleet of gondolas, amongst general idea of the exterior of

which is one containing the Št. Mark's, and spend the

TROTTERS and CULCHARD. afternoon at the Accademia.

CULCHARD has just discovered Podb. (with a slight absence

-with an embarrassment of heartiness). Capital! And

not wholly devoid of a cer-er-lunch at the Academy,

tain excitement that they I suppose ?

are drawing up to a gondola Miss P. There does not hap

occupied by the PRENDERpen to be a restaurant there

GASTS and PODBURY. we shall see what time we have.

Mr. Trotter (meditatively). I must say I regard every

It's real romantic. That's minute of daylight spent on

the third deceased kitten I've food here as a sinful waste.

seen to-night. They haven't Bob. Now just look here,

only a two-foot tide in the 'PATIA, if you are bossing this

Adriatic, and it stands to reashow, you needn't go cutting

son all the sewage us off our grub! What do

[The two gondolas are jamyou say, JEM?

med close alongside. Podb. (desperately anxious

Miss P. How absolutely to please). Oh, I don't know

magical those palaces look in that I care about lunch myself

the moonlight! BOB, how can -much. [Their voices die “I guess you want to Cologne your cheeks !”

you yawn like that? away on the water.

Bob. I beg your pardon, Culch. (musing). She might have bowed to me!... She has es-1'PATIA, really, but we've had rather a long day of it, you know ! caped the mosquitoes . . . Åh, well, I doubt if she'll find those two Mr. T. Well, now, I declare I sort of recognised those voices ! particularly sympathetic companions! Now I should enjoy a day (Heartily.) Why, how are you getting along in Vernis ? We're spent in that way. Why shouldn't I, as it is? I daresay Maud gettin' along fust-rate. Say, MAUD, here's your friend alongside! will[Turns and sees Mr. TROTTER.

[Miss P. preserves a stony silence. Mr. T. My darter will be along presently. She's Cologning her Miss T. (in an undertone). I don't see how you can act so, Poppa cheeks—they've swelled up again some. "I guess you want to —when you know she's just as mad with me! Cologne your cheeks—they 're dreadful lumpy. I've just been on Mr. T. There! Electrocuted if I didn't clean forget you were the Pi-azza again, Sir. It's curious now the want of enterprise in out! But, see here, now-why cann't we let bygones be bygones ? these Vernetians. Anyone would have expected they'd have thrown Bob. (impulsively). Just what I think, Mr. TROTTER, and I'm a couple or so of girder-bridges across the canal between this and the sure my sister will — Ri-alto, and run an elevator up the Campanile-but this ain't what Miss P. BOB, will you kindly not make the situation more you might call a business city, Sir, and that's a fact. (To Miss T. as awkward than it is? If I desired a reconciliation, I think I am she appears.) Hello, MAUD, the ice-water cool down your face any ? quite capable of saying so!

Miss T. Not much. My face just made that ice-water boil over. Miss T. (in confidence to the Moon). This Ark isn't proposing I don't believe I'll ever have a complexion again-it's divided up to send out any old dove, either-we've no use for an olive-branch. among several dozen mosquitoes, who've no use for one. But it's (To Mr. T.) That's Santa Lucia" they're singing now, vurry consoling to look at you, Mr. CULCHARD, and feel there's a Poppa. _ pair of us. Now what way do you propose we should endeavour to Mr. T. They don't appear to me to get the twist on it they did at forget our sufferings ?

Bellagio! Culch. Well, we might spend the morning in St. Mark's— ? Miss T. You mean that night CHARLEY took us out on the Lake ?


Poor CHARLEY! he'd just love to be here-he's ever so much artistic feeling!

.: A TRIAL IN NOVEL FORM. Mr. T. Well, I don't see why he couldn't have come along if he'd

SCENE— The Interior of Court during a sensational trial. Bench, wanted. Miss T. (with a glance at her neighbour). I presume he'd reasons

Bar, and Jury in a state of wild excitement as to what will enough. He's a yurry cautious man. Likely he was afraid he'd happen next. get bitten.

Judge (mysteriously handing note to Bar engaged in the case). I O Miss P. (after a swift scrutiny of Miss T.'s features). Oh, Bob, have received this letter, which is deeply interesting. It will form remind me to get some more of that mosquito stuff. I should so hate appropriately what I may call our Third Volume. I hand it to to be bitten-such a dreadful disfigurement !

Counsel, but they must keep it entirely to themselves. Miss T. (to the Moon). Í declare if I don't believe I can feel some First Leader (after perusal of document). Did you ever ? creature trying to sting me now!

Second Leader (ditto). No I never! Miss P. Some people are hardly recognisable, Bob, and they say. Judge (greatly gratified). I thought I would surprise you! Yes, the marks never quite disappear !

it came this afternoon, and I found it too startling to keep all to Miss T. Poppa, don't you wonder what CHARLEY 's doing just myself, so I have revealed the secret, on the condition you tell no now? I'd like to know if he's found anyone yet to feel an interest one else. in the great Amurrcan Novel. It's curious how interested people First Lead. You may rely on the discretion of my learned friend. do get in that novel, considering it's none of it written, and never my Lord. will be. I guess sometimes he makes them believe he means some- Second Lead. My Lord, on the discretion of my learned friend thing by it. They don't understand it's only CHARLEY's way! you may rely. Miss P. The crush isn't quite

Judge. Thank you (dipping his so bad now. Mr. PODBURY, if

pen in the ink), and now we will you will kindly ask your friend

go on with the case. not to hold on to our gondola, we

(A Witness is called-he hides his should probably be better able to

face under a cloak. turn. (CULCHARD, who had fondly

First Leader (in examinationimagined himself undetected, takes!

in-chief). I think you wish to his hand away as if it were

preserve your incognito ? scorched.) Now we can get away.

Wit. (in sepulchral tones). I do. (To Gondolier.) Voltiamo, se vi

But if his Lordship desires it, I piace, prestissimo!

will write my name on a piece of [The gondola turns and departs.

paper and pass it up. Miss T. Well, I do just enjoy

Judge. Well, certainly, I think making PRENDERGAST girl per

I ought to know everything, fectly wild, and that's a fact.

and (Receives piece of paper (Reflectively.) And it's queer,

disclosing the information, and but I like her ever so much all

starts back in his chair astonthe time. Don't you think that's

ished). Dear me! Good gracious! | too fonny of me, Mr. CULCHARD,

Dear me! now?

First Lead. I think I should | [CULCHARD feigns a poetic

mention that I have not the abstraction.

faintest idea who this witness is, and only call him, acting under

instructions. (To Witness.) Do ONLY FANCY !

you know anything about the We are supplied by our special

matter in dispute ? reporter with some interesting

Witness (with a sepulchral and significant facts in connection

laugh). Ha! ha! ha! Nothing: with the last Cabinet Council.

Your question is indeed a good Lord SALISBUY arrived early,

joke. Nothing, I repeat, absowalking over from the Foreign

lutely nothing! Office under cover of an umbrella.

First Lead. (annoyed). Then The fact that it was raining may

you can sit down. only partly account for this man

Second Lead. (sharply). Pardon cuvre. Lord CROSS arrived in a

me--not quite so fast! You say four-wheeled cab and wore his

you know nothing about the spectacles. Lord KNUTSFORD ap

matter in dispute, and yet you proached the Treasury walking

come here! on the left hand side of the road

Witness (in a deeper voice than going westward, whilst Lord


ever). Exactly. CRANBROOK deliberately chose

Second Lead. But why, my the pavement on the other side of

dear Sir,Why? What is the the way. This is regarded as OVER TIME IN LEAP YEAR.

point of it? Who may you indicating a coolness between the

be ? Colonial Office and the Council of Education. Lord HALSBURY Witness. It is not may be-but who I am ! alighted from a bus at the bottom of Downing Street, accomplishing Second Lead. Well, tell us who you are. (Persuasively.) Come, the rest of the journey on foot. He wore a new suit of the latest who are you? fashionable cut and a smile. Mr. STANHOPE, approaching Downing Witness (throwing off his disguise). Who am I? Why, HAWKSHAW Street from the steps, started violently when he caught sight of a the Detective! : figure on the steps of the Treasury fumbling with the door-handle. Counsel Generally (to Judge). Then, my Lord, under the altered He thought it was “ VETUS," but recognising the Home

circumstances of the case, we can appear no longer before Secretary, advanced without further hesitation. Lord

you. (TVith deep and touching emotion.) We retire from GEORGE HAMILTON walked arm-in-arm as far as the door

the case ! with Sir M. HICKS-BEACH. Here they were observed to

Judge (not very appropriately). Then if Box and Cox hastily relieve themselves from contiguity and enter in

are satisfied, all I can say is that I am. I may add that I single file. As they had up to that moment been engaged

consider that the case has been conducted nobly, and that in earnest conversation, this little incident caused a

I knew how it would end from the very first. I am sensation among the crowd looking on. The new Chief

thoroughly satisfied. Secretary was easily recognised as he descended from his

Jury. And so are we, my Lord-never so interested in hansom with a sprig of shamrock in his coat and another

our lives! of shillelagh in his right hand. Whilst waiting for change

Newspaper Editor (departing). Ah, if we only had a out of eighteenpence he softly whistled “God Save

trial like this every day, we should require but one line on Ireland.Mr. RITCHIE did not appear, pleading in

the Contents Bill! (Curtain.) fluenza. Our reporter informs us that there is more behind, and that before the Session is far advanced a change may be looked for at the Local Government Board. Only Fancy ! THE SAFEST New YEAR RESOLVE.—To make none.

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Who does his master's will with grace, Makes Philistia to stare, in a scare,
And hurries meekly where he sent is ?

And to blare; (Second Week.)

Whilst true Critics débonnaire, who are rare, And, when he grows apace, what

With a flaire, My fire was low; my bills were high; blend

For true humour,
My sip of punch was in its ladle;
Of genius, chivalry and daring,

Swell of rumour
The clarion chimes were in the sky;
What virtues might our little friend

The gregarious cry.
The nascent year was in its cradle.

Display to brighten souls despairing ?
What quiet charities unknown,

What modest, openhanded kindness, All of you come along with me!
What tolerance in touch and tone

You 'll have a rare new fair new spree! For braggart human nature's blind- Paradox with "sniff” united, Poor Humanity ness?

snubbed and slighted.

Humour's new cuvée, extra-dry.
Or what-the worser part to view

I-twaddley--high-dry-high-toned I!
Of wanton waste and reckless gam-16

Come and worship the pessimist “I”.
What darker paths shall he pursue

For that's all right!
With sacrilegious step and shambling?! After I've taken the toffish Town,
What coarse defiance, haply, hurl

A second edition, at Half-a-crown,
At lights beyond his comprehension- Seeks the suffrages-(and money, for on Swell-
An attitudinising churl

dom you'll go stoney") -
Who struts with ludierous preten- Of the much derided Mob.

Yes, the Proletariat "Bob"
I know not-only this I know,

(With the Guinea of the Nob) must aid the They 're getting overstrained, my

Sons of Light.

Gath and Askelon, you see, can give Me, This kind of poem ought to flow

. L. S. D. no


All true Egoists love those pregnant letters Second Week.

Less like a solemn “ Nunc Dimittis."
Little 1892 grows rapidly, and

| 'Twas jaunty when I struck my lyre,

Mystic Three! begins to look about him.

Flout Philistia with great glee, fair and free,

And jaunty seems this yearling baby ;
In sober prose to tell my tale,
But, as both year and song expire

But agree 'Twas New Year's E'en, 'when, blind to They're sadder, each, and wiser, maybe.

To take its "tin,"

Though with a grin danger, All older-fashioned nurses hail

Of pessimistic spite. With joy “another little stranger.”

POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. The glass was in my hand-but, wait,

Hi-tiddley-hi-ti ; or, I'm All Rightis Methought, awhile! 'Tis early toasting

heard, “all over the place," as light sleepers With pæans too precipitate

and studious dwellers in quiet streets are too A baby scarce an outline boasting:

well aware. Why should it not be enlisted One week at least of life must flit

in the service of Apollo and Momus as well as For me to match it with its brothers

of the Back Slum Bacchus ? As thus :I'll wager, like most infants, it Is wholly different from others.

No. V.-I-TWADDLEY-HIGH-DRY. He frolics, latest of the lot,

A family prolific reckoned ;

He occupies his tiny cot,
_The eighteen-hundred-ninety-second ! I'm a young writer grimly gay,
The pretty darling, gently nursed

My volumes sell, and sometimes pay.
Of course, he lies, and fondly petted”!

First log-rollers raised a rumour of a rising The eighteen-hundred-ninety-first

Star of Humour, Is not, I fancy, much regretted.

Who had faced the Sphinx called Life,

With amusing misery rife,
You call him “fine"-he's great in size, So with sin, and woe, and strife, 1 thought
And “promising”-there issue from his

I'd have a lark.
Tough larynx quite stentorian cries;

With pessimistic pick I pottered round Such notes are haply notes of promise.

Pottered round, Look out for squalls, I tell you ; soft

A new "funny" trick I quickly found, And dove-like atoms more engage us;

Smart and sound, Your fin-de-siècle child is oft

Life's cares in hedonistic chuokles drowned, Loud, brazen, grasping, and rampageous.

You be bound ! You bid me next his eyes adore ;

The cynic lay So “deep and wideawake,” they beckon ;

I found would pay, We've suffered lately on the score

In a young Man of Mark !
Of “deep and wideawake,” I reckon.

You term me an “unfeeling brute,"
A "monster Herod-like," and so on-

All of you come along with me!
You may be right; I'll not dispute ;

|_ I'm for a rare new fine new spree!. I'll cease a brat's good name to blow on.

Everybody is delighted when the Philistines

are slighted, Who'll read the bantling's dawning days ? All of you come my books to try! Precocious shall he prove, and harass

I-twaddley-I-ti I-I-I, The world with inconvenient ways

Ego for ever! Buy! Buy! Buy! And lisped conundrums that embarrass?

And I'm all right!
(Such as Impressionists delight
To offer each asthetic gaper,

Down with the West I go; my pen
And faddists hyper-Ibsenite
Is bound to “fetch” the Upper Ten,

Rejoice to perpetrate on paper ?)

With the aid of some “log -rolling," my! All of you come along with me!

“distinction " much extolling. 'ARRY, who loves a fair old spree! Or, one of those young scamps perhaps

Smart little scribes from near and far “Mugwump" with fine morgue delighted, Who love to rig their bogus bogies, Say, with a sniff, “ O here's a Star!”

Cynicat“yearnestness"sore frighted! And set their artful booby-traps

DICKENS on fine souls doth jar, THACKERAY is All of you come my “tap” to try!. For over-unsuspicious fogies ?

too dry,

I-twaddley-high-dry-high-toned I! Or haply, only commonplace

But his pessimistic air, rich and rare, Come along, boys, Buy! Buy! Buy! A plodding sort of good apprentice,

Subtle, fair,

And I'm all right!



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