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SEASONABLE (AND SUITABLE) GOOD WISHES.
A “ Chappy"
A “Lappy ”
New Year to you!
LAYS OF MODERN HOME.
No. I.-"My HOUSEMAID !”
GIFTS FOR THE NEW YEAR.
H-r M-j-sty. The hearty congratulations of a loyal and united people.
The Pr-nce and Pr-nc-88. — The most welcome of daughters-in-law.
Prince Alb-rt V-ct-r.-May in February.
The Rest of the R-y-1 F-m-ly.--The best
L-rd S-1-st-ry.-General Election.
Mr. J. Ch-mb-rl-n,-Promotion,
Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt.-A Vision of the
The Cz-r of R-s8-a.—A Vision of another
The G-rm-n Emp-r-r. New toys personally selected.
President C-rn-t.-The compliments of the
Herr Ib8-n.-A tale without a plot.
The Corporation of L-v-rp-1.—The Freedom
The Grund Old M-n.-The loss of the Your sword looks a little bit rusty and
Corporation of Liverpool. notched, Ma'am;
And Mr. P-nch. - Tons of material (volunYour scales now and then hang a trifle
triftarily contributed) for the Grand Old Waste Who “turns " my study "out" that day, askew; Ma'am! Paper Basket.
And then contrives to pitch away A lot of your Ministers need to be watched,
As “rubbish ” (which it is) my Play ? Punch isn't quite pleased with the prospect BOS v. BOSS.
My Housemaid. -are you?
One of the Delegates at the Conference on Who guards within her jealous care, If one could but take a wide survey, though Rural Reforms said, “We do not want to be bossed Mending or marking, till I swear, summary, by the Parsons" ; another, “ We don't want soup
The underclothes I long to wear Of all the strange “sentences" passed in or blankets, but fair play.”]
My Housemaid. one year
O GENEROUS By persons called “Justices"—(yes, it sounds
Who cultivates a habit most fummery), [I fear.
Perverse, of running to “The Post" Justice would look like Burlesque, Ma'am,
To meet her brothers (such a host !)? Excellent subject for whimsical GILBERT,
My Housemaid. But not a nice spectacle, Madam, for me.
Learn hence Who, if she spends her “Sundays out” Long spell of “chokee" for prigging a
that justice At Chapel, as she does, no doubt, filbert
wins far Must be protractedly devout ? (Given, you bet, by some rural J. P.);
My Housemaid. Easy let-off for a bogus “Promoter,"
doles. Helping the ruin of hundreds for gain;
Who takes my novels down (it must Six months for stealing a turnip or "bloater,"
Be, as she vows, of course, “to dust"),
And thumbs them, much to my disgust ? Ditto for bashing a wife on the brain:
D a mes Sentences cut to one-twelfth on appealing,
My Housemaid. Judges and juries at loggerheads quite!
may give, Who “can't abide” a play or ball, Really each day brings some curious revealing,
But what But dearly loves a Funeral, Putting you, Ma'am, in a very strange light.
HODGE Or Exeter's reproachless Hall ? Take my advice, Ma'am, this bright New
craves is a
My Housemaid. Year's morning,
fair chance Who late returning thence, in fits Give a look up to your agents all round;
Of what she terms “ Historics," sits,To some give the sack, and to others a warning;
On labour And this day month my service quits? The Public will back up your move, I'll be
My Housemaid. bound!
Bos Locutus Est !
SALISBURY'S “ Circuses,” and smart buffoons, | QUITE CLEAR.—" Aha! mon ami,” exGREEK MEETS GREEK.—“What!"exclaimed Won't move him, by “amusement," from claimed our friend JULES, during the recent an indignant scholar, who had not peeped into that wish.
murky weather in Town, “ you ask me the a Classic for some forty years, “no more com- Parties may mutually denounce or “dish ;” difference between our Paris and your pulsory Greek at our Universities! What But what will win the Labourer for a friend London. Tenez, I will tell you. Paris is are we coming to? All I can say is, ' Absit Is Home and Work, without the Workhouse always très gai, veritablement gai; but omen'!" "Scuse me!” replied his friend, end !
[loss, London is toujours faux gai-you see it is who was all for the new learning, “but Listen! Those who heed not will bide the always fo-gay.” And he meant "fog-gy." I should say, 'Absit Homer'!”
For Bos locutus est,-against the “Boss”! | Well, he wasn't far wrong, just now.
THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
Miss T. The morning! Why, Poppa and I saw the entire show
inside of ten minutes, before breakfast! No. XXI.
Culch. Ah! (Discouraged.) What do you say to studying the SCENE- The Steps of the Hotel Dandolo, about 11 A.M. PODBURY Ducal Palace
Vine and Fig-tree angles and the capitals of the arcades in the
I will go and fetch the Stones of Venice. is looking expectantly down the Grand Canal, CULCHARD is
Miss T. I guess you can leave those old stones in peace. I don't leaning upon the balustrade.
feel like studying up anything this morning-it's as much as ever I Podbury. Yes, met Bob just now. They've gone to the Europa, but can do not to scream aloud ! we've arranged to take a gondola together, and go about. They 're Culch. Then shall we just drift about in a gondola all the morning, to pick me up here. Ah, that looks rather like them. (A gondola and-er-perhaps do the Academy later? approaches, with Miss PRENDERGAST and BoB; PODBURY goes down Miss T. Not any canals in this hot sun for me! I'd be just as the steps to meet them.) How are you, Miss PRENDERGAST! Here sick! That gondola will keep till it's cooler. I am, you see.
Culch. (losing patience). Then I must really leave it to you to make Miss Prendergast (ignoring Co's salute). How do you do, Mr. Pod- a suggestion ! BURY? Surely you don't propose to go out in a gondola in that hat! Miss T. Well, I believe I'll have a good look round the curiosity
Podb. (taking off a brown "pot-hat,” and inspecting it). It-it's stores. There's ever such a cunning little shop back of the Clock quite decent. It was new when I came away!
Tower on the Pi-azza, where I saw some brocades that were just too Bob (who is surly this morning). Hang it all, 'PATIA ! Do you want sweet! So I'll take Poppa along bargain-hunting. Don't you come him to come out in a chimney-pot ? Jump in, old fellow; never mind if you'd rather poke around your old churches and things! your tile?
| Culch. I don't feel disposed to-er—"poke around" alone; so, if Podb. (apologetically). I had a straw once-but I sat on it. I'm you will allow me to accompany you,awfully sorry, Miss PRENDER
Miss T. Oh, I'll allow you GAST. Look here, shall I gc
to escort me. It's handy and see if I can buy one ?
having someone around to Miss P. Not now-it doesn't
carry parcels. And Poppa 's signify, for once. But a round
bound to drop the balance hat and a gondola are really
every time! too incongruous!
Culch. (to himself). That's Podb. Are they? A lot of
all I am to her. A beast of the Venetians seem to wear
burden! And a whole precious 'em. (He steps in.) Now
morning squandered on this what are we going to do-just
confounded shopping-when I potter about it
might have been-ah, well! Miss P. One hardly comes
[Follows, under protest. to Venice to potter! I thought we'd go and study the Car
On the Grand Canal. 9 P.M. paccios at the Church of the
A brilliant moonlight night; Schiavoni first — they won't
a music-barge, hung with take us more than an hour or
coloured lanterns, is moving so; then cross to San Giorgio
slowly up towards the Rialto, Maggiore, and see the Tinto
surrounded and followed by rets, come back and get a
a fleet of gondolas, amongst general idea of the exterior of
which is one containing the Št. Mark's, and spend the
TROTTERS and CULCHARD. afternoon at the Accademia.
CULCHARD has just discovered Podb. (with a slight absence
-with an embarrassment of heartiness). Capital! And
not wholly devoid of a cer-er-lunch at the Academy,
tain excitement that they I suppose ?
are drawing up to a gondola Miss P. There does not hap
occupied by the PRENDERpen to be a restaurant there
GASTS and PODBURY. we shall see what time we have.
Mr. Trotter (meditatively). I must say I regard every
It's real romantic. That's minute of daylight spent on
the third deceased kitten I've food here as a sinful waste.
seen to-night. They haven't Bob. Now just look here,
only a two-foot tide in the 'PATIA, if you are bossing this
Adriatic, and it stands to reashow, you needn't go cutting
son all the sewage us off our grub! What do
[The two gondolas are jamyou say, JEM?
med close alongside. Podb. (desperately anxious
Miss P. How absolutely to please). Oh, I don't know
magical those palaces look in that I care about lunch myself
the moonlight! BOB, how can -much. [Their voices die “I guess you want to Cologne your cheeks !”
you yawn like that? away on the water.
Bob. I beg your pardon, Culch. (musing). She might have bowed to me!... She has es-1'PATIA, really, but we've had rather a long day of it, you know ! caped the mosquitoes . . . Åh, well, I doubt if she'll find those two Mr. T. Well, now, I declare I sort of recognised those voices ! particularly sympathetic companions! Now I should enjoy a day (Heartily.) Why, how are you getting along in Vernis ? We're spent in that way. Why shouldn't I, as it is? I daresay Maud gettin' along fust-rate. Say, MAUD, here's your friend alongside! will[Turns and sees Mr. TROTTER.
[Miss P. preserves a stony silence. Mr. T. My darter will be along presently. She's Cologning her Miss T. (in an undertone). I don't see how you can act so, Poppa cheeks—they've swelled up again some. "I guess you want to —when you know she's just as mad with me! Cologne your cheeks—they 're dreadful lumpy. I've just been on Mr. T. There! Electrocuted if I didn't clean forget you were the Pi-azza again, Sir. It's curious now the want of enterprise in out! But, see here, now-why cann't we let bygones be bygones ? these Vernetians. Anyone would have expected they'd have thrown Bob. (impulsively). Just what I think, Mr. TROTTER, and I'm a couple or so of girder-bridges across the canal between this and the sure my sister will — Ri-alto, and run an elevator up the Campanile-but this ain't what Miss P. BOB, will you kindly not make the situation more you might call a business city, Sir, and that's a fact. (To Miss T. as awkward than it is? If I desired a reconciliation, I think I am she appears.) Hello, MAUD, the ice-water cool down your face any ? quite capable of saying so!
Miss T. Not much. My face just made that ice-water boil over. Miss T. (in confidence to the Moon). This Ark isn't proposing I don't believe I'll ever have a complexion again-it's divided up to send out any old dove, either-we've no use for an olive-branch. among several dozen mosquitoes, who've no use for one. But it's (To Mr. T.) That's “Santa Lucia" they're singing now, vurry consoling to look at you, Mr. CULCHARD, and feel there's a Poppa. _ pair of us. Now what way do you propose we should endeavour to Mr. T. They don't appear to me to get the twist on it they did at forget our sufferings ?
Bellagio! Culch. Well, we might spend the morning in St. Mark's— ? Miss T. You mean that night CHARLEY took us out on the Lake ?
Poor CHARLEY! he'd just love to be here-he's ever so much artistic feeling!
.: A TRIAL IN NOVEL FORM. Mr. T. Well, I don't see why he couldn't have come along if he'd
SCENE— The Interior of Court during a sensational trial. Bench, wanted. Miss T. (with a glance at her neighbour). I presume he'd reasons
Bar, and Jury in a state of wild excitement as to what will enough. He's a yurry cautious man. Likely he was afraid he'd happen next. get bitten.
Judge (mysteriously handing note to Bar engaged in the case). I O Miss P. (after a swift scrutiny of Miss T.'s features). Oh, Bob, have received this letter, which is deeply interesting. It will form remind me to get some more of that mosquito stuff. I should so hate appropriately what I may call our Third Volume. I hand it to to be bitten-such a dreadful disfigurement !
Counsel, but they must keep it entirely to themselves. Miss T. (to the Moon). Í declare if I don't believe I can feel some First Leader (after perusal of document). Did you ever ? creature trying to sting me now!
Second Leader (ditto). No I never! Miss P. Some people are hardly recognisable, Bob, and they say. Judge (greatly gratified). I thought I would surprise you! Yes, the marks never quite disappear !
it came this afternoon, and I found it too startling to keep all to Miss T. Poppa, don't you wonder what CHARLEY 's doing just myself, so I have revealed the secret, on the condition you tell no now? I'd like to know if he's found anyone yet to feel an interest one else. in the great Amurrcan Novel. It's curious how interested people First Lead. You may rely on the discretion of my learned friend. do get in that novel, considering it's none of it written, and never my Lord. will be. I guess sometimes he makes them believe he means some- Second Lead. My Lord, on the discretion of my learned friend thing by it. They don't understand it's only CHARLEY's way! you may rely. Miss P. The crush isn't quite
Judge. Thank you (dipping his so bad now. Mr. PODBURY, if
pen in the ink), and now we will you will kindly ask your friend
go on with the case. not to hold on to our gondola, we
(A Witness is called-he hides his should probably be better able to
face under a cloak. turn. (CULCHARD, who had fondly
First Leader (in examinationimagined himself undetected, takes!
in-chief). I think you wish to his hand away as if it were
preserve your incognito ? scorched.) Now we can get away.
Wit. (in sepulchral tones). I do. (To Gondolier.) Voltiamo, se vi
But if his Lordship desires it, I piace, prestissimo!
will write my name on a piece of [The gondola turns and departs.
paper and pass it up. Miss T. Well, I do just enjoy
Judge. Well, certainly, I think making PRENDERGAST girl per
I ought to know everything, fectly wild, and that's a fact.
and (Receives piece of paper (Reflectively.) And it's queer,
disclosing the information, and but I like her ever so much all
starts back in his chair astonthe time. Don't you think that's
ished). Dear me! Good gracious! | too fonny of me, Mr. CULCHARD,
Dear me! now?
First Lead. I think I should | [CULCHARD feigns a poetic
mention that I have not the abstraction.
faintest idea who this witness is, and only call him, acting under
instructions. (To Witness.) Do ONLY FANCY !
you know anything about the We are supplied by our special
matter in dispute ? reporter with some interesting
Witness (with a sepulchral and significant facts in connection
laugh). Ha! ha! ha! Nothing: with the last Cabinet Council.
Your question is indeed a good Lord SALISBUY arrived early,
joke. Nothing, I repeat, absowalking over from the Foreign
lutely nothing! Office under cover of an umbrella.
First Lead. (annoyed). Then The fact that it was raining may
you can sit down. only partly account for this man
Second Lead. (sharply). Pardon cuvre. Lord CROSS arrived in a
me--not quite so fast! You say four-wheeled cab and wore his
you know nothing about the spectacles. Lord KNUTSFORD ap
matter in dispute, and yet you proached the Treasury walking
come here! on the left hand side of the road
Witness (in a deeper voice than going westward, whilst Lord
ever). Exactly. CRANBROOK deliberately chose
Second Lead. But why, my the pavement on the other side of
dear Sir,Why? What is the the way. This is regarded as OVER TIME IN LEAP YEAR.
point of it? Who may you indicating a coolness between the
be ? Colonial Office and the Council of Education. Lord HALSBURY Witness. It is not may be-but who I am ! alighted from a bus at the bottom of Downing Street, accomplishing Second Lead. Well, tell us who you are. (Persuasively.) Come, the rest of the journey on foot. He wore a new suit of the latest who are you? fashionable cut and a smile. Mr. STANHOPE, approaching Downing Witness (throwing off his disguise). Who am I? Why, HAWKSHAW Street from the steps, started violently when he caught sight of a the Detective! : figure on the steps of the Treasury fumbling with the door-handle. Counsel Generally (to Judge). Then, my Lord, under the altered He thought it was “ VETUS," but recognising the Home
circumstances of the case, we can appear no longer before Secretary, advanced without further hesitation. Lord
you. (TVith deep and touching emotion.) We retire from GEORGE HAMILTON walked arm-in-arm as far as the door
the case ! with Sir M. HICKS-BEACH. Here they were observed to
Judge (not very appropriately). Then if Box and Cox hastily relieve themselves from contiguity and enter in
are satisfied, all I can say is that I am. I may add that I single file. As they had up to that moment been engaged
consider that the case has been conducted nobly, and that in earnest conversation, this little incident caused a
I knew how it would end from the very first. I am sensation among the crowd looking on. The new Chief
thoroughly satisfied. Secretary was easily recognised as he descended from his
Jury. And so are we, my Lord-never so interested in hansom with a sprig of shamrock in his coat and another
our lives! of shillelagh in his right hand. Whilst waiting for change
Newspaper Editor (departing). Ah, if we only had a out of eighteenpence he softly whistled “God Save
trial like this every day, we should require but one line on Ireland.” Mr. RITCHIE did not appear, pleading in
the Contents Bill! (Curtain.) fluenza. Our reporter informs us that there is more behind, and that before the Session is far advanced a change may be looked for at the Local Government Board. Only Fancy ! THE SAFEST New YEAR RESOLVE.—To make none.
NOTICE.- Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not oven when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
Who does his master's will with grace, Makes Philistia to stare, in a scare,
And to blare; (Second Week.)
Whilst true Critics débonnaire, who are rare, And, when he grows apace, what
With a flaire, My fire was low; my bills were high; blend
For true humour,
Swell of rumour
The gregarious cry.
Display to brighten souls despairing ?
You 'll have a rare new fair new spree! For braggart human nature's blind- Paradox with "sniff” united, Poor Humanity ness?
snubbed and slighted.
Humour's new cuvée, extra-dry.
Come and worship the pessimist “I”.
For that's all right!
A second edition, at Half-a-crown,
dom you'll go stoney") -
Yes, the Proletariat "Bob"
(With the Guinea of the Nob) must aid the They 're getting overstrained, my
Sons of Light.
Gath and Askelon, you see, can give Me, This kind of poem ought to flow
. L. S. D. no
All true Egoists love those pregnant letters Second Week.
Less like a solemn “ Nunc Dimittis."
| 'Twas jaunty when I struck my lyre,
Mystic Three! begins to look about him.
Flout Philistia with great glee, fair and free,
And jaunty seems this yearling baby ;
But agree 'Twas New Year's E'en, 'when, blind to They're sadder, each, and wiser, maybe.
To take its "tin,"
Though with a grin danger, All older-fashioned nurses hail
Of pessimistic spite. With joy “another little stranger.”
POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. The glass was in my hand-but, wait,
“Hi-tiddley-hi-ti ; or, I'm All Right” is Methought, awhile! 'Tis early toasting
heard, “all over the place," as light sleepers With pæans too precipitate
and studious dwellers in quiet streets are too A baby scarce an outline boasting:
well aware. Why should it not be enlisted One week at least of life must flit
in the service of Apollo and Momus as well as For me to match it with its brothers
of the Back Slum Bacchus ? As thus :I'll wager, like most infants, it Is wholly different from others.
No. V.-I-TWADDLEY-HIGH-DRY. He frolics, latest of the lot,
HIGH-TONED-I! OR, I'M ALL RIGHT!
My volumes sell, and sometimes pay.
First log-rollers raised a rumour of a rising The eighteen-hundred-ninety-first
Star of Humour, Is not, I fancy, much regretted.
Who had faced the Sphinx called Life,
With amusing misery rife,
I'd have a lark.
With pessimistic pick I pottered round Such notes are haply notes of promise.
Pottered round, Look out for squalls, I tell you ; soft
A new "funny" trick I quickly found, And dove-like atoms more engage us;
Smart and sound, Your fin-de-siècle child is oft
Life's cares in hedonistic chuokles drowned, Loud, brazen, grasping, and rampageous.
You be bound ! You bid me next his eyes adore ;
The cynic lay So “deep and wideawake,” they beckon ;
I found would pay, We've suffered lately on the score
In a young Man of Mark !
All of you come along with me!
|_ I'm for a rare new fine new spree!. I'll cease a brat's good name to blow on.
Everybody is delighted when the Philistines
are slighted, Who'll read the bantling's dawning days ? All of you come my books to try! Precocious shall he prove, and harass
I-twaddley-I-ti I-I-I, The world with inconvenient ways
Ego for ever! Buy! Buy! Buy! And lisped conundrums that embarrass?
And I'm all right!
Down with the West I go; my pen
With the aid of some “log -rolling," my! All of you come along with me!
“distinction " much extolling. 'ARRY, who loves a fair old spree! Or, one of those young scamps perhaps
Smart little scribes from near and far “Mugwump" with fine morgue delighted, Who love to rig their bogus bogies, Say, with a sniff, “ O here's a Star!”
Cynicat“yearnestness"sore frighted! And set their artful booby-traps
DICKENS on fine souls doth jar, THACKERAY is All of you come my “tap” to try!. For over-unsuspicious fogies ?
I-twaddley-high-dry-high-toned I! Or haply, only commonplace
But his pessimistic air, rich and rare, Come along, boys, Buy! Buy! Buy! A plodding sort of good apprentice,
And I'm all right!