GUN-RUNNING. THE children of the Opposition Member were congregated on the lawn preparatory to acting their original, topical, pastoral play, entitled The Gun-Runners. Harold, aged 11 and a born commander of men, gave his final instructions. contraband articles. Pointing with they succeeded easily in dumping their Then he repeated in the imperious "Now, you're Sir Edward Carson, Reggie. And, Winnie, you 're Mr. Red-voice that suited him so well, "What is in that box, Sir Edward ?" "Croquet mallets. You know they are!" mond. When I "If I'm Mr. Redmond I'm not playing," pouted Winnie. Actresses are like that sometimes. "Oh! all right, then. Reggie 'll have to be Redmond." "Not me," said Reggie decidedly. "I'm Carson, and don't you forget it." Stern martinet as he was, there were occasions which rendered Harold susceptible to the noblest impulses of selfsacrifice. "Very well, then. If you're such a couple of kids, I'll be Redmond," he said. "Win, you can be Keir Hardie." "Why, what's he got to do with it?" "Nothing that I know of." Kindly "I think not, Sir Edward. "No, don't let him," agreed Lord "I would remind you, Sir Edward, "Well, now that we've got here, what are we going to do with Redmond?" asked Lord Roberts. "Tie him up and brain him," replied the other bloodthirsty conqueror. Meekly, with a smile that tried to look sad upon his proud young features, Mr. Redmond submitted to the tying-up process. That done, his captors proceeded to burst open the case and extract a hefty croquet-mallet. Sir Edward, raising this on high, cast a questioning glance at Lord Roberts. The latter, with memories of a certain lavish cinema display, slowly turned her right wrist until the thumb pointed mercilessly downwards. And then, just as the murderous implement was about to fall, a clarion voice caused a sudden stay of execution. PLAYWRIGHTS IN SEARCH OF NOVELTIES GO TO CHINA (SEE THE YELLOW "Stop!" cried the Father of the players. "I've been watching you all the time. You're doing it entirely wrong. In the first place, why drag in Lord Roberts? Then you should really remember your geography, Harold. You seem to have made no allowances for the North Sea and the Irish Channel. And in this connection the excellence of your main idea is distressingly marred by the reflection that these rifles would never travel by land at all. They would "I don't see whatbe shipped direct from Oh well, I daresay we work that the laws of this country expressly | Italy, to avoid the risk of confiscahim in somehow. Now you see the forbidtion attendant upon the transport of summer-house in the corner? Well, What promised to be an excellent any such consignment across Europe that's Italy, where the rifles come from. sentence, spoken with admirable re- and England. Then to turn from the This is England in the middle of the straint, was here brought to an abrupt practical to the moral side. You two lawn, and that's Ulster by the rockery. termination. Paterfamilias had made victorious invaders-are you going to You two have got to get the rifles past a leisurely but at the same time forget that you are Britons? Would me and land them in Ulster. See?" dramatic appearance at the drawing- you inflict the death penalty upon Mr. "Oh! that's easy," said Reggie. room French windows. Redmond without so much as a trial?" "Is it?" replied Mr. Redmond, It was a mean advantage, but for A look of uncertainty passed between grimly. "Are you ready? Come on, the sake of the cause Sir Edward Sir Edward and Lord Roberts. For then." At which command Lord felt justified in using the vilest strategy a space the fate of Mr. Redmond hung Roberts and Sir Edward Carson to gain his end. "Look! There's in the balance, until that gentleman raced madly in the direction of Italy Father!" he shouted, thereby causing himself turned the scale by remarking and began to stagger heavily back Mr. Redmond to turn quickly and for none too politely, "Look here, Father! across the Continent under the weight one brief second to forsake his respon- If think you you know more about of a long wooden box. Vainly they sibilities. The second was enough for this business than we do, you'd better tried to circumvent Mr. Redmond, Sir Edward and Lord Roberts. Simul- come and play Redmond yourself. I'm sometimes making remarkable circuits taneously they grabbed the case of rifles. sick of the part, anyway. Ah! you vid Norway and occasionally dodging "Come on, Bobs!" shouted Sir don't fancy it either. Then please Edward. "Out of France into Spain, Ulster for ever!" And allow us to continue." And, expanding with a superhuman effort they made his chest as fully as the cruel bonds all speed for Ireland. The Grand Coup would allow, he looked steadily into was so sudden and so effective that, the eyes of his arch-enemy, and said, Over the hills and back again." At last they found themselves up against it on English soil. Mr. Red 64 7 "JUST IN TIME. THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE. WE'RE OFF TO SEE MY NEW ALPINE BORDER AT THE TOP OF THE GARDEN. ALEC, AND JODEL WHEN YOU'RE READY.' THE MARVEL OF IT. (A Rhapsody of Subterranean Travel.) Он, not the seed of fire I praise In busy circuit running round, Whenas by labyrinthine ways Each morning on the Underground I journey-not the infernal skill and not the force profound; Not all the system vast and strange The "bullet" of impetuous range, Let mightier bards than I hold forth on such dashed things To simpler phantasies I soar, A homely and bucolic theme: As through the tunnelled night we roar Of flowery pasture-lands I dream And the red steers of Hereford knee-deep in some cool stream. The maze of this mechanic mole Theirs is the praise I sing. No other help but theirs is nigh. For one of these it was, I think, A stalwart beast of splendid thews, Of the lush grasses, and the wild flowers wet with pearléd HITCH AUNTIE ON BEHIND YOU, And gave a portion of his strong, To make me my familiar thong, Pendent from first to last-yet still in that strong succour Always I cling. Nor I alone; The other day a stoutish chap Yet still the tough trapeze availed; we plumped on no Small wonder then that I should think To larger glories of the "link," Its might, its magic and its speed, EVOE. But boom the hide of England's ox, still staunch at England's need! "Dalkey's Island, a few hundred miles from the mainland, is an ideal spot for picnics."-Advt. in "Daily Mail." Herbert (to his wife, who is undoing the hamper): "No, dear, I will not go back for the mustard. The corkscrew last week was different. It was much calmer then." "According to the calendar Saturday was the longest day in the year, the sun rising at 3.26 a.m. and setting at 8.37 p.m. For a day or two there will be no apparent difference in the length of the days, but of course the change will become more marked with the progress of time."-Belfast News Letter. noticeable. us. LORDS TEMPORAL. WE have eight clocks, called after the kind people who gave them to Let me introduce you: William, Edward, Muriel, Enid, Alphonse, Percy, Henrietta and John-a large family. But how convenient," said Celia. Exactly one for each room." "Or two in each corner of the drawing-room. I don't suggest it; just throw out the idea." "oo" by mistake one day. However, stopped. In the evening-having by "And that," said Celia gladly, "leaves "Which is rejected. How shall we arrange which goes into which room? Let's pick up. I take William for the drawing-room; you take John for your work-room; I take "Not John," I said gently. John is- John overdoes it a trifle. There is too much of John; and he exposes his inside—which is not quite nice. Well, whichever you like. Come on, let's begin. William." As it happened, I particularly wanted William. He has an absolutely noiseless tick, such as is suitable to a room in which work is to be done. I explained this to Celia. "What you want for the drawingroom," I went on, "is a clock which ticks ostentatiously, so that your visitors may be reminded of the flight of time. Edward is a very loud breather. No guest could fail to notice Edward." "Not John," I said gently. To be frank, John is improper. "Well, Percy, then." 'Yes, Percy. He is young and fair. He shall sit on the chest-of-drawers and sing to my sock-suspenders." "Then Henrietta had better go in the spare-room, and Muriel in Jane's." "Muriel is much too good for Jane," I protested. "Besides, a servant wants an alarm clock to get her up in the morning." "You forget that Muriel cuckoos. At six o'clock she will cuckoo exactly six times, and at the sixth 'oo' Jane brisks out of bed." "If Jane doesn't mind," I added. "She may have been strictly brought up." "She'll love him. John lacks reserve, but he is a good time-keeper." And so our eight friends were settled. But, alas, not for long. Our discussion had taken place on the eve of Jane's arrival; and when she turned up next day she brought with her, to our horror, a clock of her own-called, I think, Mother. At any rate, she was fond of it and refused to throw it away. 46 Unlike John, William is reticent to a degree. With great difficulty I found my way to his insides, and then found that he had practically none to speak of at all. Certainly he had no regulator. What shall we do?" I asked Celia. "Leave him. And then, when you bring your guests in for a smoke, you can say, 'Oh, don't go yet; this clock is five hours and twenty-three minutes fast.' "Or six hours and thirty-seven minutes slow. I wonder which would sound better. Anyhow, he is much too beautiful to go under a bed." So we are leaving him. And when 'And it's got an alarm, so it goes I am in the mood for beauty I look at in her bedroom," said Celia, "and William's mahogany sides and am Muriel goes into the kitchen. Jane soothed into slumber again . . . and comes from the country, and the cuckoo when I want to adjust my watch reminds her of home. That still leaves John eating his head off." I tried to imagine John under the spare-room bed. "Suppose," I said, "we had a nervous visitor. . . and she looked under the bed before getting into it. . . and saw John . . . It is a terrible thought, Celia." However, that is where he is. It is a lonely life for him, but we shall wind him up every week, and he will think that he is being of service to us. Indeed, he probably imagines that our guests prefer to sleep under the bed. Now, with John at last arranged for, our family should have been happy; but three days ago I discovered that it was William who was going to be the real trouble. To think of William, the pride of the flock, betraying us! (which always loses a little), I creep under the spare-room bed and consult John. John alone of all our family keeps the correct time, and it is a pity that he alone must live in retirement. "Half and half," said the plover. "My first clutch of eggs- beauties they were, too-were found by a farm boy, and within a couple of days they were in the œsophagus of a pretty actress at the Savoy, at one-and-six a-piece; but I need hardly say," added the plover with a wink, "that it was not the little lady herself who paid for them. As you may remember, William lives "So I laid again," the plover conwith me. He presides over the room tinued, "and this time we pulled we call "the library" to visitors and through; and this very morning I've "the master's room" to Jane. He been giving my family a lesson in smiles at me when I work. Ordinarily, taking cover. The difficulty is to make when I want to know the time, I look them keep their silly little beaks shut at my watch; but the other morning I when they're in danger: they will cheep happened to glance at William. He so, and that, of course, gives the show I still felt a little doubtful, because said "twenty minutes past seven." As away. Still, chicks will be chicks, you the early morning is a bad time for I am never at work as early as that, know." counting cuckoos, and I didn't see why and as my watch said eleven-thirty, Yes, indeed," replied the owl; HINTS TO CLIMBERS: HOW TO ATTRACT NOTICE. too successfully;" and both birds sighed. 66 What are you going to do with him?" the thrush asked. "Quite," said the cuckoo, "if by it with less philosophy. Grumbled immorality you mean taking furnished day and night. My poor boy was jolly "Yes," said the nightingale to the lodgings for my family instead of going glad when he was fledged, I can tell woodpecker, "I managed capitally. I in for building and small ownership, you." had a wonderful season. Every night like you." people came to hear me sing; CARUSO That's not wholly what I meant," and MELBA couldn't have more devoted said the thrush. "There's such a thing audiences. We brought up a healthy as taking furnished apartments and family, too, with strong musical ten-paying for them, and such a thing as dencies. In fact, it wasn't till yesterday depositing your family there and never that anything went wrong; and that showing up again." wasn't exactly a calamity, although it "Still," said the cuckoo, "it's a very hurt me quite a little bit." small family-only one. Smaller even than a French family." "I wish, all the same," said the thrush, "you'd tell me why you are so averse from building." "Tell me," said the woodpecker. "With pleasure," said the night-1 ingale. "It was like this: I was in the hedge just as that nice lady at the Grange came along with her little girl, "I don't exactly know," said the and the little girl saw me and, as cuckoo, "but I think it's fastidiousness. children always do-you've all heard I never can find a site to suit me. them time and again-asked the Either there's no view, or the water's mother what that pretty brown bird bad, or I dislike the neighbours; try was called. Now this, you must under- as I will, I never can settle. So there stand, is the lady who has been leaning you are!" "I haven't made up my mind," said the cuckoo. "What do you advise?" "Apprentice him to a builder," said the thrush as he few away. Final. "Mrs. A. P. Payne, General Hospital, will not be at home to-day, owing to her absence from home."-Brisbane Courier. "THE MINISTER'S WIFE. By One of Them." "The bridal pair motored to the station en route for Hubertusstoch, where the honeymoon will be spent, cheered by enormous crowds."-Cape Times. out of her window every night all "And who, may I ask," said the darling? That's only a sparrow.'" "The nuthatch," said the cuckoo; Stevens, who is only twelve years old, has now played four 3-figure innings three of which were centuries, for his school." Hampstead Advertiser. Possibly the remaining effort consisted CHARIVARIA. tendency has been of late to get a NICHOLSON once wrote a novel entitled "Hen" parties, The Evening News As a result of the slowness of the Government in appointing a Poet No, my child, the Omnibus Box at Laureate, we are still without an tells us, were a feature of Ascot Sunday the Opera House is not the place where official Marconi poem recording ade- on the river this year. Fortunately the conductor sits. quately the famous victory of the there seems to have been no accident Government. attributable to these boats with no cox. "Lord MURRAY must be very thickskinned," remarked a Tory the other day. As a matter of fact we believe he now has an oil skin. ** Mr. HARRY LAUDER preached last week at the Castle Green Congregational Chapel, Bristol. He appears to have been the greatest success, and we can picture the sacred edifice ringing again and again with merry laughter. The improvement of the road exits from London was foreshadowed by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE at the first sitting of In his speech at the annual dinner the International Road Congress. It of the Associated Booksellers, Mr. HALL is hoped that this may make the CAINE, in referring to the sevenpenny Government less nervous about going reprints, pointed out that our publishers to the Country. A Berlin paper has started a prize symposium on the question, "Who is the most stupid man in Berlin?" Such is the respect for the bureaucracy there that all the local officials, we understand, are hors concours. It was perhaps a little bit tactless on the part of the gentleman who drew up the menu for the Admiralty dinner to the French officers that it should have included "Crème Germiny." The Norddeutsche Allgemeine Zeitung says that congratulations on the "ANYTHING IN THE FANCY-TIE LINE, SIR?" 66 The art of repartee in this country has received a blow from which it will take it some time to recover. A fire at Swansea Vale Spelter Works last week destroyed 4,000 retorts. Professor KROMEGER, of Breslau, predicts that three thousand years hence all males of the human species will be bald-headed. It is a long time since the brush and comb trades have been so depressed. A New Disease. "Mrs. stated that her son was a good boy. A little while ago he had tuberculosis of the not only of the bishop and his clergy but also lung."-Eastbourne Gazette. Fortunately "Tuberculosis. of the bishop" is very unusual in this country. Queen Victoria Eugenic Irish Independent. Won't Dr. SALEEBY be pleased! occasion of the EMPEROR's Jubilee from were now giving the public 'the gave birth to a son this morning." 66 Mr. JOHN WILLIAM GRIFFITH, of Why not cow-catchers for raceShepton Mallet, who celebrated his horses?" suggests a correspondent ninetieth birthday last week, has with the view of minimising the danger spent seventy-three years among the of such incidents as took place at Epsom cheeses. He gives them the highest and Ascot. character for quietness and general behaviour. ** mannered boy, strong, good appearance, as "Can a gentleman recommend a wellBoy-Footman? Age 16; height 6 ft. 7. Town and country."-Church Times. We know plenty of suitable boys but they are all relatively dwarfs. "Notico is hereby given that Life Policy No. 15007, issued by the Empire of India Life Assurance Company, Limited, on my life, has been totally destroyed by worms and due notice has been given to the Company. JOGGASOMER ADHYCARRY." The Statesman (Calcutta). The demand for Life Guards for Motor Omnibuses continues to be The BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT has sanc- pressed. The War Office, however, tioned a decree establishing Greenwich is not prepared to risk the lives of Alas, JOGGASOMER's own turn is coming. time in Brazil. Over here we still these valuable soldiers in such service. reckon by rag-time. The appointment of Mr. MEREDITH The conditions prevailing at the NICHOLSON to the post of American famous Sing-Sing prison in New York Minister to Portugal seems an approare declared to be most inhumane, and priate one. Mysterious disappearances are to be the subject of enquiry. The of political opponents of the present The Language of Convention. (SCENE-Drury Lane Theatre, during enig matical maneuvres of so-called Tennis Ballet.) 66 Qui va là?" says he. "Jeur," says I, not knowing the |