AN ENTHUSIAST (WHO HAS THE FUTURE OF BRITAIN VERY MUCH AT HEART) TIMING A WELSHER OVER THE 200 METRES. THE DAVID-AND-JONATHAN BRIGADE. time is available for the collector, but speeches. As they left the room Mr. him on the back." returned from the Lobby the PREMIER A halt, was made on the return The almost doglike devotion that journey at the parish church of Great Mr. ASQUITH displays at all times Snoring, which the Rev. John Bluck towards Mr. JOHN REDMOND received described as one of the stateliest monu- a charming illustration during the ments of the Decorated Soporific school division on the Third Reading of the of art. Within a mile of home the Ministerial Investments Bill. As they complete success of the excursion was very nearly impaired by a serious accident. Mr. Timothy Wanlip, junr., who had partaken heartily of shrimps, was suddenly seized with what Mr. LLOYD GEORGE elegantly calls "cross-Channel" Sir MAURICE LEVY and Mr. RAMSAY symptoms, and fell from the box-seat. MACDONALD, it is well known, are bosom Fortunately the brake had been fitted friends and enjoy each other's confionly the day before by Messrs. Brackley dence in a remarkable degree. The and Jeeves with a cowscraper, which depth of the feeling existing between most efficiently prevented Mr. Wanlip, them was made apparent to passers-by junr., from being crushed under the the other day when, standing outside wheels. Restoratives were promptly the Leicester Lounge, the Radical administered by our good friend Mr. plutocrat placed his arm round his Hugo Trotter, L.P.S., and the home-colleague's neck and murmured in his ward journey was completed without ear, "RAMSAY, you 're the limit!" BURNS are, of course, inseparable. Only the other day, as they strolled together across Palace Yard, the COLONIAL SECRETARY was observed to punch his comrade in the ribs and shout admiringly, "Ho, you are a one!" THE STORY BOOK. paper that a hen's egg, laid at Shuqualak, A VOLUME most delightful Preserving thus intact That's reproduced above; Letter from a parent to a Bridlington schoolmistress: -Dorothy's absense was "Dear Miss 44 Introduce me to your fellow clubman," I said firmly. That evening I wrote to Henry's friend, Mr. Bennett. "Dear Sir," I wrote, "if you would call upon me tomorrow I should like to show you some really old things, all genuine antiques. In particular I would call your attention to an old opera hat of exquisite workmanship and a mouse-trap of chaste and handsome design. I have also a few yards of Queen Anne linoleum of a circular pattern which I think will please you. My James the First spring-grip dumb-bells and Louis Quatorze curtain-rods are well known to connoisseurs. A genuine old cork bedroom suite, comprising one bathmat, will also be included in the sale. Yours faithfully." On second thoughts I tore the letter up and sent Mr. Bennett a postcard asking him to favour the undersigned with a call at 10.30 prompt. And at 10.30 prompt he came. I had expected to see a bearded patriarch with a hooked nose and three hats on his head, but Mr. Bennett turned out to be a very spruce gentleman, wearing (I was sorry to see) much better clothes than the opera hat I proposed to sell him. He became businesslike at once. He named an inclusive price. It was “I'm afraid there's very little sale for revolving bookcases now," he said, something under a hundred-and-fifty as he made a note of it. pounds. I shouldn't have minded that "As a matter of fact," I pointed out, if it had only been a little over ten this one doesn't revolve. It got stuck pounds. But it wasn't. some years ago.' He didn't seem to think that this would increase the rush, but he made a note of it. "Then the writing-desk." "The what?" "The Georgian bureau. A copy of an old twentieth-century escritoire." "Walnut?" he said, tapping it. "Possibly. The value of this Georgian writing-desk, however, lies not in the wood but in the literary associations." "Ah! My customers don't bother much about that, but still-whose was it?" "Mine," I said with dignity, placing my hand in the breast pocket of my coat. "I have written many charming things at that desk. My 'Ode to a Bell-push,' my Thoughts on Asia,' my Anything else in this room?" said Mr. Bennett. "Carpet, curtains "Nothing else," I said coldly. We went into the bedroom and, gazing on the linoleum, my enthusiasm returned to me. said. "What else?" he I showed him round the collection. He saw the Louis Quatorze curtainrods, the cork bedroom suite, the Cæsarian nail-brush (quite bald), the antique shaving-mirror with genuine crack-he saw it all. And then we went back into the other rooms and found some more things for him. "Yes," he said, consulting his notebook. "And now how would you like me to buy these?" "At a large price," I said. "If you have brought your cheque-book I'll lend you a pen.' You want me to make you an offer? Otherwise I should sell them by auction for you, deducting ten per cent. commission." Not by auction," I said impulsively. I couldn't bear to know how much, or rather how little, my Georgian bureau fetched. It was there, as I think I told you, that I wrote my Guide to the Round Pond.' Give me an inclusive price for the lot, and never, "Ah, now, clothes had much better be sold by auction. Make a pile of all you don't want and I'll send round a sack for them. I have an auction sale every Wednesday." Very well. Send round to-morrow. And you might-er-also send round a-er-cheque for quite so. Well, then, good morning." When he had gone I went into my bedroom and made a pile of my operahat. It didn't look very impressivehardly worth having a sack specially sent round for it. To keep it company I collected an assortment of clothes. It pained me to break up my wardrobe in this way, but I wanted the bidding for my opera-hat to be brisk, and a few preliminary suits would warm the public up. Altogether it was a goodly pile when it was done. The opera-hat perched on the top, half of it only at work. To-day I received from Mr. Bennett a cheque, a catalogue and an account. The catalogue was marked "Lots 172179." Somehow I felt that my opera hat would be Lot 176. I turned to it in the account. Lot 176-Six shillings." "It did well," I said. "Perhaps in my heart of hearts I hoped for seven and sixpence, but six shillings-yes, it was a good hat." And then I turned to the catalogue. ་་ "Lot 176-Frock coat and vest, dress coat and vest, ditto, pair of trousers and opera hat." 'And opera hat." Well, well. At least it had the position of honour at the end. My opera hat was starred. Inspecting Officer (to captain who has been captured with his entire company). "I UTTERLY FAIL TO UNDERSTAND WHAT CAN HAVE INDUCED YOU TO EXPOSE YOUR COMPANY INSTEAD OF TAKING COVER. Captain Feddup. "WELL, SIR, I MAY HAVE ACTED THOUGHTLESSLY, I MAY HAVE ACTED CARELESSLY, MISTAKENLY; BUT I HAVE ACTED INNOCENTLY, HONESTLY, AND, AS YOU SEE, OPENLY." A HIGHLAND SOLITUDE; (Being a poignant illustration of the "And has she no children? I asked. "Thirteen." He shook his head "where there might be and ought to busy world, forced back upon her own 66 Certainly not," said I. Mr. Ezekiel Thornton took a long breath, and I knew that I was in for it. 66 Twenty years ago her husband took her over there as a bride, a strong, healthy, buxom young woman of twenty-three. And now it has come to this!" "But what went wrong?" Journalistic Modesty. "WASTE PAPER WANTED. A PROBLEM SOLVED BY THE DAILY CHRONICLE.'"-The Daily Chronicle. "He believed the whole financial difficulty could be overcome through fostering free will offerings, and he held very strongly to the opinion that the whole difficulty could be overcome through fostering freewill offerings, and he held very strongly to the opinion that the whole difficulty could be overcome through the good old orthodox method-the church offertory."-Daily News and Leader. He held on too long. Ir was generally understood in the hotel that Mr. Ezekiel Thornton, of Salford, was studying social conditions from a Radical point of view. Certainly; he took no interest whatever in the fishing, and as the rest of us, for the time being, took no interest whatever in anything else our intimacy with him did not ripen as it might have done. He seemed to spend most of his time poking about making deplorable discoveries, but he was always most ready to talk when he could find a victim. I came upon him 'Sheer loneliness," he replied mournone sunny morning leaning against the fully. "She had no neighbours. There "WANTED TO BUY.-Handcuffs and Fakes railing and gazing out across the loch. is no road, not even a track to the of every description. Must be cheap or use"You know, I do feel for these High- cottage. Week after week she never less."-The Magical World. land shepherds," he began. "Theirs saw the face of a stranger. There she Cheap, for choice, please. is a bleak, hard life." And he sighed. sat day after day, her husband away I gave him no encouragement, but he on the hill, cut off from her fellows, looking out across the steel-grey loch." There was a short pause, and then he began to pile it on. There she went on. "The population is leaving the country; and can you wonder at it? 64 The Lightning Impersonator. "Then there was more applause and more recalls, and at last (copying Madame Patti) he appeared on the platform with his hat, his cane, and his gloves." HINTS TO CLIMBERS: HOW TO ATTRACT NOTICE. VI. ACQUIRE A FEW ORIGINAL EXPLETIVES AND LET THEM LOOSE ON APPROPRIATE OCCASIONS. THE DAILY ROUND. In winter sitting late at night I hate the artificial light; In summer it is rather hard To leave the sun in Palace Yard. I have to go inside the place, And hang about all day in case The Tories spring a snap division And then object to its rescission. Now does it not seem hard to you, When there are nicer things to do, That I should have to spend my day IV. TWO OF A KIND. I love the man who pairs with me And gives me whole days off; On politics we disagree But both are keen on golf. It would be difficult to find V. THE ROAD TO SUCCESS. Can't some day get a decent berth, VI. A PRETTY THOUGHT. The House is so full of delightful M.P.'s I'm sure we should all be as happy as VII. GOOD AND BAD MEMBERS. Let it be your only hobby To attract the SPEAKER's eye. Ready at a moment's notice In your place, whate'er the vote is- But the lazy and unruly "Two reservoirs at Bradford have been poisoned by dye. "The action is attributed to Suffragettes, and the supply has been cut off." South African News. In England the supply of them con |