SMOKE ABATEMENT AT

HARROW.

THE Headmaster of Harrow has issued orders to the effect that boys "must not allow Old Harrovians or other visitors to the school to smoke in their rooms at the various houses." The boys are also "requested not to go about the High Street or public roads adjoining the school with people who are smoking."

Second Undergraduate. "No, YOU'D BETTER COME TO ME.'
Second Undergraduate. "ALL RIGHT, THEN, DON'T!"

Harrovian that he stands to lose a Suddenly, in the High Street, he came
fiver a term by his loyalty. On face to face with the little chap. With
inquiry at a late hour last evening we outstretched arms and shining eyes the
were informed by the Duke's doctor that father advanced to enfold his child to
his Grace was progressing as favourably his bosom; but the boy, with a
as could be expected. His Grace's horrified look at the cigar, pulled him-
chaplain, however, takes a very grave self together and marched by with
view of the condition of the veteran averted nose.
nobleman.

The budding diplomatists of the school are contriving to carry out the Headmaster's rules less forcibly than the Unfortunately several painful inci- above youth. One of them keeps a tin of dents arising out of the new regulations almond rock on his mantelpiece, and on have to be recorded. The Hon. W. D. the first fretful sign made by a visitor H. O. Birdseye was getting on very who is dying to smoke he generously nicely with his grandfather, the Duke supplies this soothing sweetmeat. of Cherrywood, who was paying a visit A distressing scene was witnessed to the boy's study, until his Grace in the High Street on Monday. A took out a cigar and lit it. Finding bronzed man, after an absence of six remonstrance was met only with in- months in the Sahara, ran down to dignation, the Hon. W. D. H. O. Harrow to pay a surprise visit to his reluctantly proceeded to the perform-son. Smoking a cigar, he walked ance of his duty. When duty has to along full of the happy anticipation of

When the little dark man gets up at a meeting, his square, bony jaw seemingly obscured by the spectacles he wears, the Boers stir restlessly in their seats."-Daily Mail. Our only suggestion (not a good one) is that he wears his spectacles on his eye

the guns in at these two points to begin majority of their acquaintances would, THE BIG DAY. with, the general object being to collect perhaps, prefer it so. The objection is, DEAR Mr. PUNCH,-At our principal all the birds forward and finally to get however, the number of guns, and I shoot, to take place shortly, we ask the them together at the Eastern extremity. think myself it will probably be driven. honour of your own presence and assist- (If one or two escape over into Bouverie birds, driven, that is, from South to ance. We do so because, in the first Street, no doubt your Young Men will North; with a gun in every window in place, we shall have need of a trusty be keeping a look out from your upstairs King's Bench Walk, a gang of them on and discriminating gun; in the second, windows and will enjoy accounting for the lawn, behind and at the side, our you happen to live near the scene of these. Which reminds me: we mustn't best shots up Mitre Court to pull down action (The Temple) and your know- forget to square the Police with a the pigeons as they soar away over topromise of a share in the booty, must we?) It will take us all the morning and the first part of the afternoon to

ledge of local conditions and the habits of the game (pigeons) will be of great help to us in devising our strategic

schemes.

wards the Strand, and all our spare fellows on the Library roof, up the Clock Tower if they like, to snap what is missed from below.

It would be a pity, too, not to have this drive, seeing that all the "Boys" in Chambers who are to act as beaters have been looking forward to it for weeks, and have been collecting old (and possibly some new) electric light bulbs, which they will drop to the ground at a given signal, a process which has never yet failed to stimulate these birds to flight.

And let me, lastly, anticipate any possible objection on the grounds of inhumanity. Let me point out that this proposed expedition is wholly righteous, and, so far from having any connection. with the scandals in rural life which have evoked the Georgic ire, is itself a furtherance of DAVID'S Own reformative schemes. The Temple, Sir, is overrun by these fat and voracious beasts, and, if they continue to increase at their present alarming rate, they must be a grave menace to the welfare of the local toiler. Nay, they will drive from his proud and ancient patrimony the

We shall be about a dozen guns in all at the start, including one or two of the more sporting but less preoccupied K.C.s, a retired Master of the Supreme Court (not to be trusted too far), and a section of the Junior Bar; we may, when it is known what is afoot, be joined by others to the extent of not more than a few hundreds, and the weapon shop in the Strand should do good business in bailments! that morning. We hope to begin about eleven; if this seems to you to be late in the day, it has been deemed better to wait till the Courts are sitting. We cannot expect to avoid some regrettable casualties; clerks don't matter, being cheap and excessive; half-a-dozen or so of solicitors might not in the worst event be missed, and even a barrister or two could be spared. But Common Law Judges, the sort to be met sometimes in the Temple out of working hours, are very scarce nowadays, practically numbered, and if one of them was mislaid there might be a fuss. So we do not intend walk up New, Garden, Essex, Hare, honest, industrious barrister-at-law to begin till they are on their benches Pump, and Fig Tree Courts, Temple and substitute in his place a sparse and out of harm's way. After all, the Gardens, Harcourt Buildings and the population of pigeon-feeders, competent pigeons are our main and legitimate Lawn, but by half-past three we ought only to distribute bread-crumbs, and cerobjective (as I will show later), though all to be foregathered, ready for our big tainly not able to take the place of the a brace or so of Telegraph Boys would drive up King's Bench Walk, which legal labourer and solve knotty problems be welcome, both as rounding up the should by then be teeming with game. under the Finance Acts. And not only bag nicely and also with the view of If it turns out that we are still only a are these pigeons a future danger, they keeping down a species which threatens reasonable number of guns by this time, are a present evil; it would be impossible these days to become a bit too thick we may shoot over cats; we have, of to calculate the harm they have done on the ground Mitre Court way. course, some of these famous and self- by, I will not say eating, but, at any There is, as you know, a little discreet trained pointers, artful as they are rate, pecking at the wretched Juniors' gate by the Middle Temple Library, made, on the spot. The superiority of briefs! leading out to the Underground, and cats to dogs in this connection is obvious; So you will join us, will you not, on another, also on the Western boundary if they exceed their jurisdiction and get this eventful day? of the estate, leading into Devereux out of hand, they themselves become

Viceroy of India (to General Botha). "I'M SURE YOU ONLY MEANT TO

HAVE A LITTLE HARMLESS FUN WITH HIS TAIL, BUT WHAT'S FUN TO YOU

MAY BE VERY ANNOYING TO THE REST OF THE TIGER."

Your respectful

OUT OF BABYLON.

THE moon was up, the deed was done,
And things that ran as shadows run
Pursued us to the brazen gate,
Where the king-carven lions wait
Beside the doors of Babylon.

There was no sound to break the spell
Save footsteps, light as leaves, that fell
And followed ever, followed on
Where the enchanted moonlight

shone

O'er charméd towers and terrible.
The Wizard's word was muttered low;
The brazen doors swung open-so;

The Wizard's word was soothly said;
The footsteps died, and forth we fled
Into the darkness, long ago.

Now of the deed that had been done,
And what pursued, as shadows run,
And of the word that passed us
through-

The Wizard's word, the word of rue-
I may not speak to anyone.

I only sing the fear of flight,

And ask your pity on my plight,
For the pale Wizard's eyes of ill
Keep tryst throughout the years,
and still

They find me every Friday night!

ARMY EXERCISES.

THE NEW AUTUMN AMUSEMENT. (Suggested by a study of the Daily Press.) RECOGNISING that West End theatrical managers will never be brought to study the comfort of their patrons, especially in the less expensive seats, till some really drastic measures are taken, The Poor Pittites Training Corps with six-shooters, steel chains, and With reference to the fighting rehas lately been founded by Mr. Rupert bags of ten-inch nails for tyre-destrucSwashbuck, of Ealing. The chief tion. Altogether some twelve hundred objects of the movement are said to men were said to be on parade, and be the demolition of early doors for the gallant colonel, who himself took which extra payment is demanded, the the salute, expressed himself as more gratis distribution of programmes, and than satisfied with the success of the the extinction of late arrivals, who will movement. be shot at sight. In a word, the support and preservation of Law, Order and the Rights of Playgoers. Major-Gen. Sir Charles Hooter has accepted the provisional command of the corps, and drilling matinées will take place on Wednesdays and Saturdays on Ealing

-A.T. SMITH
Newly-appointed Territorial Colonel. "LOOK HERE, SERGEANT-MAJOR, I'M AFRAID MY
DOG HAS KILLED YOUR CAT. I-
Sergeant-Major (ingratiatingly). "OH, IT'LL DO IT A POWER OF GOOD, SIR."

ported from the Midlands we learn that a battalion of the Coventry branch of Practical Canvassers, who had been scouring the country with maxims in support of a candidate for the city council, appear to have fallen in with the mounted section of the Society for the Suppression of Political Speeches The Society for the Suppression of returning from a field-day near KenilStreet Noises has lately brought itself worth. At the moment of writing no into line with the prevailing militancy exact details as to the casualties are by the institution of a company of obtainable, but these are known to be expert bomb-flingers, under the personal enormous. Heavy firing having been command of Captain Bayard, D.S.O. heard this afternoon from Leamington, Target-practice is indulged in every it is feared that the Peace Preservation week-day evening at the South Kens- Party, who are reported to be in the The Company of Anti- Motorist ington headquarters of the company, neighbourhood with several field-guns, Rough Riders held its first monthly and the members, who are mostly fine have joined in the action. Further inspection and parade yesterday. This stalwart-looking civil servants on the is a civilian force which has been raised retired list, are said to have attained particulars will be published in our by Col. P. Destrian, of Watford (and remarkable proficiency in aim. Great late of the Indian army), for the main-enthusiasm is displayed for the movetenance of the amenities of the high- ment, Onslow Gardens especially being "Frenchman, bachelor, 19, seeks place as road. The troopers, mostly well-set-up prepared to run with blood rather than Tutor."-Advt. in "Morning Post." young farmers, were mounted on sacrifice one jot of its traditional quiet It is time that these confirmed women

Common.

later editions.

BIFF-BALL.

THE NEW GAME THAT EVERYONE

WILL SOON BE PLAYING.

Bull's Other Island, as Mr. KIPLING | He bit his lip and frowned, and his has wittily termed it. . . . Good morn- words came with difficulty. "I am ing, if you must go. I think we shall the strong, silent man," he said. have rain shortly, but Biff-Ball will "Oh, you are, are you?" I said; (With acknowledgments to many of our keep you amused through the most "and what do you want with me?" depressing weather." "I want a job in your book," he The price of a Biff-Ball set, as an- answered sullenly. Then, with a mighty nounced in the full-page advertisement effort, he shook off his reluctance to which appears in this issue, is only 15s. speak. "I've been out of work for This includes a complete outfit of court months," he said. "There was a time plaster, lint, arnica and other medical when I was so busy I didn't know which way to turn. I figured in practically

contemporarics.)

INTENT upon learning what game is to fill our homes with innocent merriment this Christmas, our representative yesterday visited the vast emporium of Tiddledy, Winks & Co., and inter- requisites. viewed the genial man

ager.

"The game of the coming season?" repeated the latter. "Undoubtedly Biff- Ball. Come with me."

Our representative followed him into another room, where a large green cloth was found to be laid on the floor, securely pegged at the four corners. Two goals were placed at opposite ends of this cloth, and a wooden ball about the size of an orange reposed in the middle of it.

"This is all the apparatus required," said the manager. "The rules are equally simple. Two players insinuate themselves between the cloth and the floor, and at a given signal each endeavours to urge the ball from underneath through his opponent's goal. We claim that Biff-Ball will promote more hilarity among spectators in ten minutes than any other sport in a week, while among players it has already been found to cure gout, indigestion and obesity and to conduce

every novel that came out. No sooner had Hearts and Crafts closed, leaving, Muriel in my arms at last, than I had to hurry off to rescue Marjory in Out of the Mist. Now, for some reason, no one wants the strong, silent man. And yet, properly treated, I could bring anyone a fortune."

He turned those great expressive eyes, of which I had so often read, upon me.

Give me a job in your

HOW ONE IMAGINES THE EPOCH-MAKING SPEECH WAS DELIVERED AND RECEIVED. new book, Sir!" he cried

to a beneficial thickening of the

skull. Mr. SHAW has praised it "THE STRONG, SILENT MAN."

imploringly. "I can do anything. I'm the finest horseman in Europe, and the finest shot. I can do anything but talk!" And he relapsed into silence.

I felt really sorry for the fellow.

"Ronald, Gerald, Alec," I said "whichever of your aliases you preferI am sorry that I have nothing to offer you. I have a comic gardener's part still open "-he gave a gesture of scorn-"but that, of course, is of no use to you. Now, may I be frank?"

He bent his head in silent assent.
"Then I will tell you why you have

on the ground that it abolishes I WAS busily engaged upon the first joined the ranks of the unemployed. the absurd tradition of chivalry to- chapter of my new romantic novel, It is because you have been found out. wards women (for, of course, "mixed" Golden Syrup, and had just realised It is a dreadful thing to say to any matches will be frequent). Mr. CHESTER- that in my description of Courtleigh man, particularly to so fine a specimen TON has challenged the Bishop of Manor I had used the word "ancestral" as yourself, but there it is; you are a LONDON to a series of three matches to thirteen times, when I looked up and humbug. Despite your splendid, your be played on Boxing-Day, and Bom- saw him standing by my writing-table. miraculous achievements, it has been bardier WELLS, the eminent pugilist, is He was a tall man, but exceptionally impossible to conceal any longer the using it as his principal means of well proportioned, and he carried him- fact that you are silent, not because training in preparation for his great self with a rare distinction, despite the you are strong, but because you cannot fight with CARPENTIER. fact that his clothes were frayed and think of anything to say. There is only Biff-Ball is destined to be among patched. He wore his hair a little one chance for you; you must learn to indoor games what the Tango is among longer than I care to see it, but he was talk. Buy a book of Irishdances. In a few weeks it will have undoubtedly handsome in a squareswept the country from John o' Groats jawed, gloomy style.

But he had turned on his heel, and, still with his air of indescribable dis

STUDIES OF REVIEWERS.

II. THE AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL. THIS charming volume of literary studies by Mr. Desmond Jubb has a peculiar interest for me, because it recalls that period-the happiest of my life-in which I was privileged to be his comrade and fellow student at Balliol College, Oxford. For, in truth, I can say more than Virgilium vidi tantum. I not only saw Desmond Jubb at lectures in Hall and on the tow-path, where his clarion tones rang out above all his contemporaries during the torpids and eights, but I belonged to the same wine club and wore the same waistcoat-buttons. I shall never forget the first time that I met him. It was in the Michaelmas term and I had returned a fortnight late, owing to a rather severe attack of German measles, from the sequela of which I still suffer in the shape of slightly impaired hearing of the right ear. I was hurrying out of college to order. some more brown sherry, a beverage to which in those days I was much addicted, when I ran violently into a handsome young man with a high forehead, wearing a rather outré tie. I should explain that he was a freshman, while I was already in my fourth year; yet in this collision he at once assumed the position of a senior, gravely rebuked me for my precipitancy, and then with irresistible bonhomie invited me to lunch at Goffin's. Goffin's shop, I should explain, was renowned in those days for its marvellously fine pork-pies, of which I was immoderately fond, and I found that my new acquaintance rendered equal justice to their succulent qualities, albeit not apparently endowed with the same undefeated digestion as myself.

A. Kallis

Mills's.3.

THE SPARTAN MOTHER.

66

The conversation that took place is indelibly imprinted on my memory. ettes had not yet come into vogue. He moment of expansion, addressing him I remember Jubb's observing what a told me that he got his ties from the as old chap," and his replying, "I am remarkably protean animal the pig famous London house of Fraternity neither old nor a chap," and when I was, inasmuch as an entirely different and that they cost him 7s. 6d. apiece, begged his pardon he kindly said, quality attached to various portions of and he was surprised to hear that I "Granted, but don't let it happen his anatomy, ham differing from bacon only paid 1s. 11ąd. for mine at Charity again." At our wine club he always and pork from brawn. He confessed Bros. sat at the other end of the table, that the mere mention of pig's feet At the time, of course, I was not so that I seldom had the opporfilled him with horror, in which I aware that I was entertaining a literary tunity of speaking to him on these cordially concurred. That exquisite angel, and yet I felt that I was occasions. fastidiousness which is so marked a exchanging ideas with one of the most Unfortunately, I was obliged to leave feature of these essays had thus already versatile and engaging of my fellow- Balliol in the middle of my fourth declared itself. He was rather shocked students. He was so perfectly frank year owing to an attack of pernicious at my drinking shandy - gaff, while and ingenuous, so ebullient and yet so squiffies, and I have never met Desadmitting that the name had always reserved that I had a sub-conscious mond Jubb again. Our paths have lain interested him. On this occasion, I feeling he must be marked out for apart, but I was never surprised at remember, he partook of cherry-brandy, exceptional greatness. Besides his his meteoric rise to eminence in the to correct, as he put it, the exuberance taste in ties, I remember that he never literary firmament, and I welcome this of the pork-pie. He smoked two or wore a mackintosh, though curiously charming volume as a rich fulfilment three cigarettes afterwards, and I enough in wet weather I have often of the early promise that he gave in noticed that they were Russian, of the seen him in goloshes. He resented what I may call, not his salad, but his