THE SODA-WATER SIPHON. DEAR MR. PUNCH,-I make no apology for addressing you on the subject of my Soda-Water Siphons, because you, Sir, are accountable for what I have gone through. You will recall that not a great many weeks ago you protested, by the pen of a contributor, against the reiteration on our Insurance Cards of the term, "The week commencing." Well, ever since I can remember I have been galled, Sir, DEAR SIR,-You have misread my letter. I quite agree that you must protect yourself against loss of your Syphons, but why not say on the label that I-the user will be charged half crown. J. M. PABSLIP." 7 The continued publication year after "SIR,-I am duly in receipt of your and made sore and restive by the sub-a-crown? You cannot possibly mean esteemed communication, I am surthat the Syphon will be charged half-a-prised that a gentleman should continue Pardon my writing to you on to make complaints when a satisfactory this subject, but in point of fact the explanation has been offered. If my wording on the label causes me some Syphons are not returned they will be Yours faithfully, annoyance. charged 2s. 6d. I put it on the labels so that gentlemen may know beforehand, and that's business. I don't know why, after all these years, a gentleman should object to my SodaWater, which is the best made and same as always supplied. Soliciting a continuance of your esteemed favours, Yours respectfully, stitution, not only of "commence" for at THIS SYPHON IS THE PROPERTY OF JAMES WODDLE, The Arcade Grocery, WHICH IF NOT RETURNED IN REASONABLE Your protest, Mr. Punch, Sir, fell like rain on the arid soil of my compliance; it was like leaven in the dough of my idle acquiescence. I burst into leaf. I rose. It was easy to decide that the proper thing to do was to write to my grocer. To speak to him would be to humiliate him in the presence of his new.baconcutter. On the other hand, if I wrote, he could read and hide his blushes behind the little screened desk where (as I happen to know, for I once drew a cheque there) he uses a potato as a pincushion. your By return of post I got Mr. Woddle's answer: JAMES WODDLE." "SIR,-I am in receipt of your esteemed communication. I can only repeat that when Soda-Water Syphons are not returned they will be charged 2s. 6d. I have no intention of charging you for your Syphons. We used, at one time, to make this charge had done. It also seemed unreasonable It was impossible to do more than I universally, but it was unpopular and to go on ordering Soda-Water from we found it unnecessary with our large circle of customers among the nobility Woddle. I had grounds for reconsiderand gentry of the neighbourhood. Ating this decision, however, when the the same time we are bound to protect rival Siphon was put on my table. ourselves, and therefore put the notice The label ran as follows:on the Syphons to which you take exception. Hoping this explanation will be satisfactory and soliciting a continuance of your esteemed favours, Yours respectfully, JAMES WODDLE." I could not obviously let the matter rest there, so I sat down and laid myself out to settle the thing for good and all. THIS SYPHON IS THE PROPERTY OF CHARLES F. BINKS, AND WHICH IF NOT RETURNED IN REASONABLE J. M. PABSLIP. "Mr. Hicks, yesterday, executed two flights upside down. This afternoon Mr. Hiecks again went up. During his experiments this afternoon Mr. Hucks flew head downwards." Cork Examiner. The blood seems to have rushed into his name. MY DEAR SIR," I wrote,- "Please do not misunderstand me. I fully realise that you must reimburse yourHaving decided to write I simply self in the event of your Syphons not took a pen and wrote, courteously being returned to you; that is only adopting his illiterate way of spelling fair and reasonable. What I object to, the word Siphon:if I may say so, is that on the printed SIR, Referring to label Soda- you clearly state that the Syphons Water, I observe that the Syphons bear will be charged half-a-crown, and this "It is alleged that he stabbed a labourer on a printed notice to the effect that if the is an absolute impossibility. If you the check with a knife held in his hand." Syphon is not returned it will be read the label you will see that the Glasgow Evening Citizen. charged half-a-crown.' It is clearly relative which refers to the Syphon. The good old-fashioned stroke with the impossible to exact a fine from a Soda- Surely this is clear. Water Syphon. Why not therefore is that, if for any reason the user third toes of the left foot is losing alter the label ? Yours faithfully, (myself, for instance) fails altogether, favour. or unreasonably delays, to make due restitution of any Syphon or Syphons to you (the rightful owner), then you heritage to lightly be dropped, though too reserve the right, in the event of its not little is being done to avert that act." being returned in reasonable time, to J. M. PABSLIP." Mr. Woddle's reply came next day, skewered to a Stilton cheese with a pin. It was written on very thin paper with a very hard-pointed pen. exact from him (me, for instance) the Luckily the language of SHAKSPEARE “SIR, I am in receipt of your payment of the sum of two-and-sixpence and MILTON is in the safe hands of our Our Demon Tangoist (to fair stranger, to whom he has just been introduced). "WHAT'S DOIN'? WHAT'S DOIN'? WILL YOU SHOUT?" Fair Stranger. HOW ABOUT NUMBER FIFTEEN?" 46 Demon Tangoist. "NOTHIN' DOIN', NOTHIN' DOIN'. SHOUT AGAIN." Mr. WHITE. "And BIRRELL, the | for the caitiff you mention, I would Herod who demands slaughtered heca- immerse him in a vat of boiling leeks tombs of Ulster's babes?" and enjoy, as a patriot should, his coward howling." Mr. MAXSE. "If I am to continue conversing with you, Sir, I will endure no insults to HEROD. HEROD may have had a trifle of inhumanity, but, at any rate, he was never swayed by American dollars." Mr. WHITE. "But what do you think of CHURCHILL--CHURCHILL, who took a royal salute on the high seas, thus proclaiming himself a traitor to King and country? Surely you agree with me that he would be none the worse for a hanging?" Mr. MAXSE. "You are not a Die-hard. You are a base, trimming mandarin. Mr. MAXSE. "I disagree absolutely. GEHAZI, indeed! GEHAZI would have A hanging! Why, many highly reblushed even to walk past Downing spectable men have been hanged! I Street." would have him impaled over an oilfurnace in one of those Dreadnoughts whose plans he has sold to Germany. Then, like his fellow-criminals, he will for once be dabbling in oil." Mr. WHITE. "I live in hopes of seeing ANANIAS ASQUITH Swinging from a Downing Street lamp-post." Mr. WHITE. "And MCKENNA, the paltry, mean, squalid robber! Should we not have his head off?" Mr. MAXSE. "Your humanity, Sir, is that of a coward. I live in hopes of seeing that disgraceful cur, whom you grossly flatter by comparison with a not wholly worthless character like Mr. MAXSE. "Sir, I perceive you are ANANIAS-I say I live in hopes of a vile Coalitionist. Why this tenderseeing him stamped under foot by the ness to traitors? These are times for herd of polluted swine he is leading to men to speak out, not to mince their Mr. WHITE. "Still, we shall agree on one point. We cannot differ about the Marconi saint?" Mr. MAXSE (gasping). "I need a new language. I cannot speak-I choke. (Converses violently in the deaf and dumb alphabet for ten minutes.) Now talk to me of some one pure and noble and disinterested." What a comfort we Mr. WHITE. " have F. E. SMITH Mr. WHITE. " What about me?" Mr. MAXSE: "BROKE and myself and not another to help! Would there were one more outspoken man of brain and heart. For such a one I would give an army of mealy-mouthed Moderates." RHYMING SLANG. only principle it has is a perverse | head is a lump of lead, a pillow is passion for obliquity. a weeping willow, and to sleep is to 'How's the bother and gawdfers?" When an American is asked a ques- plough the deep. A certain bibulous I heard a porter in Covent Garden ask, tion for which he has no answer, and and quarrelsome peer was told by a by way of afterthought, loudly of a he says, "Search me," he is emphasising cabman that he hadn't been "first for friend from whom he had just parted. in a striking and humorous way his a bubble." It was probably only too "Right as rain," was the shouted total lack of information on that point. true; but what do you think it means? reply; and I went on my way in a When he calls a very strong whisky It means that he hadn't been First of state of bewilderment as to what they "Tangle-foot," he indicates its peculiar October for a bubble and squeak: were talking about. What was a properties in unmistakable fashion in reduced to essentials, sober for a week. bother and what a gawdfer? I could the briefest possible terms. When the All this and more my friend told me. think of nothing except possibly some same man sees a notoriously intellectual Here are some anatomical terms. The pet animal, or a nickname for a mutual person and exclaims, "Another high- face is the Chevy, from Chevy Chase; friend. In a higher commercial rank brow," he at once calls up a picture of the nose is I suppose, this being one of they might have been gold mines. SHAKSPEARE, Mr. HALL CAINE, Sir the cases where the whole rhyme is Among soldiers they would have been OLIVER LODGE, or some other domed always used; the brain is the once officers. I asked a few acquaintances, cranium associated in our minds with again, shortened to "once"; the eye is but without any result, and so made a literary pursuits. His slang is essen- a mince, from mince pie; the hand is note of the sentence and dismissed it tially pictorial. But when a Londoner bag, from bag of sand; the arm the until the man who knows should arrive. asks another after his bother and false, from false alarm. The oesophagus In course of time I found him. He gawdfers," there may be a certain (so to speak) is the Derby, or Derby knows because he has Kell, from one Derby had a varied career in Kelly; the garment both hemispheres, even that covers it is the to the navigation of Charlie, from Charlie. tramp steamers, and is Prescott; but who these able and ready to talk heroes were I have not with anyone. Converdiscovered. A collar is sational ease and naturan Orford, from Oxford alness in every class of scholar. Nothing, you life are pre-eminently see, is gained by rhymhis. He has seen some ing slang; no saving in strange things too, intime; and often indeed cluding the hanging of the slang term is longer women, and he has than the real word, as swapped stories with in tie, which is all me, both STEVENSON and from all me eye, and MARK TWAIN. To-day hat, which is this and he is journalising in that in full. London; to-morrow he may be off again for THE JOY-TOUR. Super-Cargo (with delight). "I SAY, THESE CROSS-MARKS ON THE ROAD MAP 'Frisco, Sydney, any- RIP." (They do, as usual.) where. That is my man. 66 46 Your feet are your plates, from plates of meat; your boots are your daisies, from daisy What are a bother and a gawdfer?" | asinine funniness in the remark, but roots; your teeth are your Hampsteads, I asked him. there is neither cleverness nor colour. from a northern common; money is A wife and kid, of course," he said. He might as well have said wife and don't be, from don't be funny; the ("Of course!" Think of saying "of kids, whereas, when Americans use a fire is the Anna, from Anna Maria. course" there.) slang word, it is because it is better Whisky is I'm so, from I'm so frisky; I looked perplexed, and he added-than the other word. beer is pig's ear in full; the waiter is "Rhyming slang, you know. Wife is Ordinary London slang has few the hot, from hot pertater; and so forth. 'bother and strife.' Kids are God merits. "Nut," for example, carries And these foolish synonyms are really forbids.' And then, according to the no picture with it. Nor does it explain used too, as you will find out with the rule, the rhyming word is eliminated itself. "Swank" happens to be a good greater ease if (as I did) you loiter in and the others are the only ones used;" word, but it is not descriptive. In the Dolly. "In the Dolly?" you ask. and we settled down to discuss this American slang every phrase, like the Oh, if you want any more information curious development of language and advertisement pictures," tells a story." let me give it in the Garden-Covent the Londoner's mania for calling But if we condemn ordinary London Garden, from Dolly Vardon. nothing by its right name. slang for its dulness, what shall we say But what I want now to know is Some one said recently, when a of rhyming slang? Only this, that the the extent of the rhyming vocabulary member of the company had accused Englishman should blush for it. The and the process by which new words America of having no poetry, "What silliness of it is abysmal. Look at this are added to it. Supposing, for example, then is her slang?" And he was right, sentence: " So I took a flounder to the it was felt that Mr. BERNARD SHAW had American slang is poetry, her poetry. pope, laid my lump on the weeping, to be referred to in rhyming slang, It is descriptive, vivid and full of and did a plough.' That is quite a who would decide that he was to be images. But no such certificate can normal remark in any public bar. It known as, say, Holdyer, from hold yer be given to rhyming slang, which is means that the speaker went home in jaw? Who would invent that term without any reason at all and, after the a cab and was quickly asleep. Why? and how would it gain currency? That rule referred to above has been put in Because a cab is a flounder and dab; question my friend could not answer. |