which I had not materials to make up; to play Pope Joan with the curate; to read a sermon to my aunt; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to strum my father to sleep after a fox-chase.

Sir P. I am glad you have so good a memory. Yes, madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but now you must have your coach, vis-à-vis, and three powdered footmen before your chair; and, in the summer, a pair of white cats to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recollection, I suppose, when you were content to ride double, behind the butler, on a docked coach-horse.

Lady T. No-I swear I never did that: I deny the butler and the coach-horse.

Sir P. This, madam, was your situation; and what have I done for you? I have made you a woman of fashion, of fortune, of rank ;in short, I have made you my wife.

Lady T. Well, then, and there is but one thing more you can make me to add to the obligation, and that is

Sir P. My widow, I suppose?
Lady T. Hem! hem!

Sir P. I thank you, madam; but don't flatter yourself; for, though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, it shall never break my heart, I promise you: however, I am equally obliged to you for the hint.

Lady T. Then why will you endeavour to 90 make yourself so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant expense?

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Sir P. 'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of those little elegant expenses when you married

me?

Lady T. Lud, Sir Peter! would you have me be out of the fashion?

Sir P. The fashion, indeed! What had you to do with the fashion before you married me?

Lady T. For my part, I should think you would like to have your wife thought a woman

of taste.

Sir P. Ay,-there again;—taste!-Zounds, madam, you had no taste when you married

me!

Lady T. That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter; and, after having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, I allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished our daily jangle, 110 I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's.

Sir P. Ay, there's another precious circumstance-a charming set of acquaintance you have made there!

Lady T. Nay, Sir Peter, they are all people of rank and fortune, and remarkably tenacious of reputation.

Sir P. Yes, egad, they are tenacious of reputation with a vengeance; for they don't 20 choose anybody should have a character but themselves!-Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on a hurdle who has done less mischief

than these utterers of forged tales, coiners of scandal, and clippers of reputation.

Lady T. What! would you restrain the freedom of speech?

Sir P. Ah! they have made you just as bad as any one of the society.

Lady T. Why, I believe I do bear a part with a tolerable grace. But I vow I bear no 130 malice against the people I abuse.-When I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure good humour; and I take it for granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me. But, Sir Peter, you know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too.

Sir P. Well, well, I'll call in, just to look after my own character.

Lady T. Then, indeed, you must make haste after me, or you'll be too late. So, good-bye 140 to ye. [Exit.

Sir P. So-I have gained much by my intended expostulation! yet, with what a charming air she contradicts everything I say, and how pleasingly she shows her contempt for my authority! Well, though I can't make her love me, there is great satisfaction in quarrelling with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is doing everything in her power to plague me. [Exit. 150

Sir O. Well, then, Mr Trip, you have a pleasant sort of place here, I guess?

Trip. Why, yes-here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough; but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear—and not very great either-but fifty pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets.

Sir O. Bags and bouquets! halters and bastinadoes! (Aside.)

Trip. And à propos, Moses,-have you been able to get me that little bill discounted?

Sir O. Wants to raise money too!-Has his distresses too, I mercy on me! warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors and duns. (Aside.)

My

Moses. 'Twas not be done, indeed, Mr Trip. Trip. Good lack, you surprise me! friend Brush has indorsed it, and I thought when he put his name at the back of a bill, 'twas the same as cash.

Moses. No, 'twouldn't do.

Trip. A small sum-but twenty pounds. Hark'ee, Moses, do you think you couldn't get it me by way of annuity?

Sir O. An annuity! ha! ha! a footman raise money by way of annuity! Well done, luxury, egad! (Aside.)

Moses. Well, but you must insure your place. Trip. Oh, with all my heart! I'll insure my place, and my life too, if you please.

Sir O. It's more than I would your neck. (Aside.) Moses. But is there nothing you could deposit? Trip. Why, nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has dropped lately; but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter clothes, with equity of redemption before November- or you shall have the reversion of the French velvet, or a post-obit on the blue and silver;-these, I should think, Moses, with a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral security-hey, my little fellow?

Mos. Well, well. (Bell rings.)

Trip. Egad, I heard the bell! I believe, Don't gentlemen, I can now introduce you. forget the annuity, little Moses! This way, gentlemen. I'll insure my place, you know.

Sir O. (Aside.) If the man be a shadow of the master, this is the temple of dissipation indeed!

Enter CHARLES SURFACE.

Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses; good morning, Mr Premium-that's the gentleman's name, isn't it, Moses?

Moses. Yes, sir.

Chas. Surf. Set chairs, Trip.-Sit down, Mr Premium.... Mr Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it ; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.

Sir O. Exceeding frank, upon my word.I see, sir, you are not a man of many compli

ments.

Chas. Surf. Oh no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.

Sir O. I like you the better for it. However, you are mistaken in one thing: I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses? Moses. Yes, indeed!.

Chas. Surf. These are trifles, Mr Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't!

Sir O. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose?

Chas. Surf. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough-pots out of the window ! Sir O. Nor any stock, I presume?

Chas. Surf. Nothing but live stock - and that's only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections?

Sir O. Why, to say truth, I am.

Chas. Surf. Then you must know that I have a rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver 1 Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations.

Sir O. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.

Chas. Surf. Oh, no!-there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.

Sir O. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, Moses? Moses. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.

Sir O. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. (Aside.)

Chas. Surf. Now, I propose, Mr Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old I fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.

Sir O. Not more than I should, I assure

you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me-for I might live to a hundred, and never see the principal.

Chas. Surf. Oh yes, you would! the 150 moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.

Sir O. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life.

Chas. Surf. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life?

Sir O. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.

Chas. Surf. There again, now, you are mis150 informed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver! Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately, that his nearest relations don't know him.

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Sir O. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations don't know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad-ha! ha! ha!

Chas. Surf. Ha! ha! you're glad to hear that, little Premium ?

Sir O. No, no, I'm not.

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, you are-ha! ha! ha! -You know that mends your chance.

Sir O. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over;-nay, some say he has actually arrived.

Chas. Surf. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or not. No, no, rely on't, he's at this moment at Calcutta; isn't he, Moses?

Moses. Oh yes, certainly.

Sir O. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?

Moses. Yes, most undoubted!

Sir O. But, sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?

Chas. Surf. How do

you mean?

Sir O. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great 190 quantity of massy old plate.

Chas. Surf. Ó Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can.

Sir O. (Aside.) Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls!-(Aloud.) Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact.

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, so it was-vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative dis200 position, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.

Sir O. (Aside.) Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom!(Aloud.) Pray, what has become of the books? Chas. Surf. You must inquire of auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.

the

Moses. I know nothing of books. Sir O. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?

Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!

Sir O. Hey! sure, you wouldn't sell your forefathers, would you?

Chas. Surf. Every man of them, to the best bidder.

Sir O. What! your great-uncles and aunts? Chas. Surf. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.

Sir O. (Aside.) Now I give him up!(Aloud.) What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?

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220

Chas. Surf. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if you have your 230 money's worth?

Sir O. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas.(Aside.) Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!

Enter CARELESS.

Care. Come, Charles, what keeps you? Chas. Surf. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!

Care. Oh, burn your ancestors!

Chas. Surf. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer ;-so come along with us.

Care. Oh, have with you, if that's the case: I can handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Sir O. Oh, the profligates! (Aside.)

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Chas. Surf. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business? 250 Sir O. Oh yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!-(Aside.) the prodigal!

Oh,

Chas. Surf. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations? [Exeunt.

Sir O. I'll never forgive him; never! never!

IV. ACT IV.-Scene 1. A Picture Room in Charles Surface's House. CHARLES SURFACE, SIR OLIVER SURFACE, MOSES, CARELESS.

Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;-here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.

Sir O. And, in my opinion, a goodly | collection.

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait painting; no volontière grace and expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. -No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.

Sir O. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.

Chas. Surf. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.

Care. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?

true. What

Chas. Surf. Egad, that's parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. (Taking pedigree down.)

Here,

Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.

Sir O. What an unnatural rogue!-an ex post facto parricide! (Aside.)

Care. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;-faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin-A-going, a-going, a-going!

Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless!-Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr Premium? look at him-there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipt captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid? fren

Sir O. (Aside to Moses.) Bid him speak. Moses. Mr Premium would have you speak. Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.

Sir O. (Aside.) Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!-(Aloud.) Very well, sir, I take him at that.

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner- and a very formidable likeness.-There she is, you see, a shepherdess

Chas. Surf. Here's a jolly fellow—I don't know what relation, but he was mayor of 10 Norwich take him at eight pounds.

Sir O. No, no; six will do for the mayor. Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen into the bargain. Sir O. They're mine.

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen.-But, plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of 110 the family in the lump.

Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.

Sir O. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.

Care. What, that ill-looking fellow over the settee?

Sir O. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any

Sir O. Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?

Chas. Surf. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room to put it in.

Sir O. (Aside.) The rogue's my nephew after all!-(Aloud.) But, sir, I have somehow 10 taken a fancy to that picture.

Chas. Surf. I'm sorry for❜t, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven't you got enough of them?

Sir O. (Aside.) I forgive him everything! -Aloud.) But, sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as

much for that as for all the rest.

Chas. Surf. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with it, and there's an 150 end of it.

Sir O. (Aside.) How like his father the dog is!-(Aloud.) Well, well, I have done.(Aside.) I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. -Aloud.) Here is a draft for your sum.

Chas. Surf. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!

Sir O. You will not let Sir Oliver go?