are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense. Sir Fret. To be sure-for if there is anything 10 to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and if it is abuse,-why one is always sure to hear of it from one damned good-natured friend or another! Enter SERVANT. Ser. Mr Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently. Dan. That's true-I shall certainly be at home. [Exit SERVANT. Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have 200 justice done you in the way of answer, egad! Mr Puff's your man. 210 Sir Fret. Psha! sir, why should I wish to have it answered, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr Sneer Sir Fret. Zounds! no, Mr Dangle; don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least? Dan. Nay, I only thought Sir Fret. And let me tell you, Mr Dangle, 'tis most affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell you I am not. Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? Sir Fret. Gad's life! Mr Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the nonsense you have been repeating to me!-and, let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, 220 you must mean to insult me, gentlemen-and, then, your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms-and I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt-and so your [Exit. servant. Sneer. Ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Fretful! Now will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors. -But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff 230 to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy. Dan. I'll answer for't, he'll thank you for desiring it. Puff. Even the auctioneers now auctioneers, I say-though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language-not an article of the merit theirs: take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as catalogues! -No, sir; 'twas I first enriched their style. 260 270 Yes, sir, by me they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruits-to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves -to teach courteous shrubs to nod their appro- 280 bation of the grateful soil; or on emergencies to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire! Dan. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit. Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him. . . . But pray, 290 Mr Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way? Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity!—the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention.... And, sir, I will take upon me to say the matter was never scientifically treated nor reduced to rule before. Sneer. Reduced to rule ! Puff. O, Lud, sir, you are very ignorant, I am afraid!-Yes, sir, puffing is of various sorts; 300 the principal are, the puff direct, the puff pre 310 liminary, the puff collateral, the puff collusive, and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances require, the various forms of Letter to the Editor, Occasional Anecdote, Impartial Critique, Observation from Correspondent, or Advertisement from the Party. Sneer. The puff direct, I can conceive Dan. O yes, that's simple enough. For instance, a new comedy or farce is to be produced at one of the theatres (though, by-theby, they don't bring out half what they ought to do) the author, suppose Mr Smatter, or Mr Dapper, or any particular friend of minevery well; the day before it is to be performed, I write an account of the manner in which it was received; I have the plot from the author, and only add-characters strongly drawn320 highly-coloured-hand of a master-fund of genuine humour-mine of invention - neat dialogue-Attic salt.' Then for the performance- Mr Dodd was astonishingly great in the character of Sir Harry. That universal and judicious actor, Mr Palmer, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the Colonel.... In short, we are at a loss which to admire most, the unrivalled genius of the author, the great attention and liberality of the 330 managers, or the incredible exertions of all the performers.' 340 Sneer. That's pretty well indeed, sir. Puff. O, cool - quite cool to what I sometimes do. Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influenced by this? Puff. O Lud, yes, sir! the number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed. Sneer. Well, sir-the puff preliminary? Puff. O, that, sir, does well in the form of a caution. In a matter of gallantry now-Sir Flimsy Gossimer wishes to be well with Lady Fanny Fete. He applies to me - I open trenches for him with a paragraph in the Morning Post.-'It is recommended to the beautiful and accomplished Lady F four stars F dash E to be on her guard against that dangerous character, Sir F dash G; who, however 350 pleasing and insinuating his manners may be, is certainly not remarkable for the constancy of his attachments!'-in italics. Here, you see, Sir Flimsy Gossimer is introduced to the particular notice of Lady Fanny, who perhaps never thought of him before-she finds herself publicly cautioned to avoid him, which naturally makes her desirous of seeing him; the observation of their acquaintance causes a pretty kind of mutual embarrassment; this 360 produces a sort of sympathy of interest, which if Sir Flimsy is unable to improve effectually, he at least gains the credit of having their names mentioned together, by a particular set, and in a particular way-which nine times out of ten is the full accomplishment of modern gallantry. Dan. Egad, Sneer, you will be quite an adept in the business. Puff. Now, sir, the puff collateral is much used as an appendage to advertisements, and may take the form of anecdote.-' Yesterday, as the celebrated George Bonmot was sauntering down St James's Street, he met the lively Lady Mary Myrtle coming out of the park:'Lady Mary, I'm surprised to meet you in a white jacket-for I expected never to have seen you but in a full-trimmed uniform and a light horseman's cap!'-' Heavens, George, where could you have learned that?'—'Why, replied the wit, I just saw a print of you, in a new publication called the Camp Magazine; which, by-the-bye, is a devilish clever thing, and is sold at No. 3, on the right hand of the way, two doors from the printing-office, the corner of Ivy Lane, Paternoster Row, price only one shilling!' Sneer. Very ingenious indeed. Puff. But the puff collusive is the newest of any; for it acts in the disguise of determined hostility. It is much used by bold booksellers and enterprising poets. In short, sir, the art of puffing-I hope you will now agree with me-is of the highest dignity, yielding a tablature of benevolence and public spirit; befriending equally trade, gallantry, criticism, and politics; the applause of genius - the register of charity-the triumph of heroism -the self-defence of contractors-the fame of orators-and the gazette of ministers. Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importance and ingenuity of your profession; and now, sir, there is but one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage Puff. Hush, for heaven's sake! - My tragedy!— Egad, Dangle, I take this very ill you know how apprehensive I am of being known to be the author. Dan. I'faith I would not have told-but it's in the papers, and your name at length in the Morning Chronicle. Puff. Ah! those editors never can keep a secret! Well, Mr Sneer, no doubt you will do me great honour-I shall be infinitely happy-highly flattered Dan. I believe it must be near the timeshall we go together? Puff. No; it will not be yet this hour, for 4 they are always late at that theatre: besides, I must meet you there, for I have some little matters here to send to the papers, and a few paragraphs to scribble before I go. (Looking at memorandums.) Here is 'A conscientious Baker, on the subject of the Army Bread'; and 'A Detester of visible Brickwork, in favour of the new-invented Stucco; both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow. 30 Here too are some political memorandumsI see; .. so!-I must do that in the evening papers, or reserve it for the Morning Herald; for I know that I have undertaken to-morrow, besides, to establish the unanimity of the fleet in the Public Advertiser, and to shoot Charles Fox in the Morning Post.-So, egad, I ha'n't a moment to lose! Dan. Well, we'll meet in the Green Room. II. ACT II.-Scene 1. The Theatre, before the Curtain. Enter DANGLE, PUFF, and SNEER. Puff. No, no, sir; what Shakespeare says of actors may be better applied to the purpose of plays; they ought to be the abstract and brief chronicles of the time.'. .. So, sir, I call my tragedy The Spanish Armada; and have laid the scene before Tilbury Fort. Sneer. A most happy thought, certainly! Dan. Egad it was-I told you so. But pray now, I don't understand how you have contrived to introduce any love into it. Puff. Love! oh, nothing so easy: for it is a received point among poets, that where history gives you a good heroic outline for a play, you may fill up with a little love at your own discretion: in doing which, nine times out of ten, you only make up a deficiency in the private history of the times. Now I rather think I have done this with some success. Sneer. No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, I hope? Puff. O lud! no, no;-I only suppose the governor of Tilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son of the Spanish admiral. Sneer. Oh, is that all! Dan. Excellent, i'faith! I see at once. But won't this appear rather improbable? Puff. To be sure it will-but what the plague! a play is not to show occurrences that happen every day, but things just so strange, that though they never did, they might happen. Sneer. Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible. Puff. Very true-and for that matter Don Ferolo Whiskerandos-for that's the lover's name-might have been over here in the train of the Spanish ambassador; or Tilburina-for that is the lady's name-might have been in love with him, from having heard his character, or seen his picture; or from knowing that he was the last man in the world she ought to be in love with-or for any other good female reason. -However, sir, the fact is, that though she is but a knight's daughter, egad! she is in love like any princess! Dan. Poor young lady! I feel for her already! for I can conceive how great the conflict must be between her passion and her duty; her love for her country, and her love for Don Ferolo Whiskerandos! Puff. O, amazing!-her poor susceptible heart is swayed to and fro by contending passions, like Enter UNDER PROMPTER. Under Promp. Sir, the scene is set, and everything is ready to begin, if you please. Puff. Egad, then we'll lose no time. Under Promp. Though, I believe, sir, you will find it very short, for all the performers have profited by the kind permission you granted them. Puff. Hey! what? Under Promp. You know, sir, you gave them leave to cut out or omit whatever they found heavy or unnecessary to the plot, and I must own they have taken very liberal advantage of your indulgence. Puff. Well, well.-They are in general very good judges, and I know I am luxuriant.Now, Mr Hopkins, as soon as you please. 50 60 Under Promp. (To the Music.) Gentle- 70 men, will you play a few bars of something, just to Puff. Ay, that's right; for as we have the scenes and dresses, egad, we'll go to't, as if it was the first night's performance; but you need not mind stopping between the acts. [Exit UNDER PROMPTER. Music. So! stand clear, gentlemen. Now you know Scene 2. Tilbury Fort. Two Sentinels discovered asleep. Dan. Tilbury Fort!-very fine indeed! Puff. Now what do you think I open with? Sneer. Faith, I can't guess Puff. A clock.-Hark! (Clock strikes.) I open with a clock striking, to beget an awful attention in the audience: it also marks the time, which is four o'clock in the morning, and saves a description of the rising sun, and a great deal about gilding the eastern hemisphere. Dan. But pray, are the sentinels to be asleep? Puff. Fast as watchmen. Sneer. Isn't that odd though, at such an alarming crisis? Puff. To be sure it is, but smaller things must give way to a striking scene at the opening; that's a rule. And the case is, that two great men are coming to this very spot to 80 100 begin the piece; now, it is not to be supposed they would open their lips if these fellows were watching them; so, egad, I must either have sent them off their posts, or set them asleep. Sneer. Oh, that accounts for it.-But tell us, who are these coming? Puff. These are they-Sir Walter Raleigh, and Sir Christopher Hatton. You'll know Sir Christopher by his turning out his toes110 famous, you know, for his dancing. I like to preserve all the little traits of character.-Now attend. Enter SIR WALTER RALEIGH and SIR CHRISTOPHER Sir Christ. True, gallant Raleigh!- Dan. What, they had been talking before? Puff. O, yes; all the way as they came along.-(To the actors.) I beg pardon, gentlemen, but these are particular friends of mine, whose remarks may be of great service to us. (To Sneer and Dangle.) Don't mind inter120 rupting them whenever anything strikes you. Sir Christ. True, gallant Raleigh! 130 140 150 But O, thou champion of thy country's fame, There is a question which I yet must ask; Sir Walt. A question which I never asked beforeWhat mean these mighty armaments? This general muster? and this throng of chiefs? came Sir Sneer. Pray, Mr Puff, how Christopher Hatton never to ask that question before? Puff. What, before the play began?-how the plague could he? Dan. That's true, i'faith! Puff. But you will hear what he thinks of the matter. Sir Christ. Alas! my noble friend, when I behold Of crested warriors, where the proud And valour-breathing trumpet's shrill appeal, Responsive vibrate on my listening ear; Thy fears are just. But where? whence? when? and what The danger is,-methinks I fain would learn. You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns, And three revolving moons, have closed their course, 16 Since haughty Philip, in despite of peace, With hostile hand hath struck at England's trade. I know it well. Philip, you know, is proud Iberia's king. He is. His subjects in base bigotry And Catholic oppression held ;-while we, You know, the Protestant persuasion hold. Dan. Mr Puff, as he knows all this, why does Sir Walter go on telling him? Puff. But the audience are not supposed to know anything of the matter, are they? Sneer. True; but I think you manage ill: for there certainly appears no reason why Sir Walter should be so communicative. Puff. Now, that is one of the most ungrateful observations I have ever heard; for the less inducement he has to tell all this, the more, I think, you ought to be obliged to him; for I am sure you'd know nothing of the matter without it. Dan. That's very true, upon my word. Puff. Here, now you see, Sir Christopher did not in fact ask any one question for his own information. Sneer. No, indeed :-his has been a most disinterested curiosity! Dan. Really, I find, we are very much obliged to them both. Puff. To be sure you are. Now then for the commander-in-chief, the Earl of Leicester; who, you know, was no favourite but of the queen's. We left off-in amazement lost!' Sir Christ. Am in amazement lost But see, where noble Leicester comes! supreme In honours and command. 196 230 240 Enter EARL OF Leicester, GOVERNOR, Master of THE HORSE, KNIGHTS, etc. Leic. How's this, my friends? is't thus your newfledged zeal And plumed valour moulds in roosted sloth? No! rather let the fountain of your valour Puff. There it is--followed up! Sir Walt. No more!-the freshening breath of thy Leic. All. Leic. All. Leic. All. rebuke Hath filled the swelling canvas of our souls! And thus, though fate should cut the cable of (All take hands.) Our topmost hopes, in friendship's closing line We'll grapple with despair; and if we fall, We'll fall in Glory's wake! There spoke old England's genius! Then, are we all resolved? We are all resolved! To conquer-or be free? To conquer, or be free! All? All. Gov. Sir Christ. And me! (Kneels.) And me! (Kneels.) Puff. Now, pray all together. All. Behold thy votaries submissive beg That thou wilt deign to grant them all they 270 ask; Assist them to accomplish all their ends, And sanctify whatever means they use Sneer. A very orthodox quintetto! Puff. Vastly well, gentlemen!—Is that well managed or not? Have you such a prayer as that on the stage? Sneer. Not exactly. Leic. (To Puff.) But, sir, you haven't settled how we are to get off here. Puff. You could not go off kneeling, could you? Sir Walt. (To Puff.) Oh no, sir; impossible. Puff. It would have a good effect, i'faith, if you could exeunt praying!-Yes, and would vary the established mode of springing off with a glance at the pit. Sneer. Oh, never mind; so as you get them off, I'll answer for it, the audience won't care how. Puff. Well, then, repeat the last line standing, and go off the old way. All. And sanctify whatever means we use Dan. Bravo! a fine exit. Dan. Hey!-why, I thought those fellows 300 had been asleep? Puff. Only a pretence; there's the art of it: they were spies of Lord Burleigh's. Sneer. But isn't it odd, they never were taken notice of, not even by the commanderin-chief? Puff. O lud, sir, if people, who want to listen or overhear, were not always connived at in a tragedy, there would be no carrying on any plot in the world. 310 Dan. That's certain! Puff. But take care, my dear Dangle! the morning-gun is going to fire. (Cannon fires.) Dan. Well, that will have a fine effect. Puff. I think so; and helps to realise the scene. (Cannon twice.) What the plague! three morning guns! there never is but one!Ay, this is always the way at the theatre: give these fellows a good thing, and they never know when to have done with it.-You have 320 no more cannon to fire? Under Promp. (Within.) No, sir. |