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He may feel our pulse--look wise and penitentially sensible of its sing, -order conscience a purge and de- without wishing to obtrude its sufpart. But we, the poor miserable sinner, ferings on the notice of all eyes,toss on our bed, give no sign, and die and a careless exterior may conceal Not a word more on that point. Fourth- a serious habit of inward self-medily, bad as the diseases of the soul are- tation. That portion of the life of very bad indeed—quite shocking—they almost every individual that is visiseldom prove fatal; when they do, the ble and audible to the public eye patient lingers for a long time with a and ear, is necessarily the least spirirueful countenance and seems nei- tual ; and we can learn little or nother the better nor the worse of all thing of any man till we have been ghostly prescriptions. Nay, what with him in his familiar privacy, and more common than & hoary-headed seen something of the chosen chanhale sinner of fourscore ? But the dis- nels in which his thoughts and feeleases of the body, though sometimes ings love to travel, when his hearth mild and tedious, have a manifest ten- is lighted and his house hushed. dency towards death, and therefore we What false judgments does even the take the alarm speedily, and long for religious world pass,-and how slowly the face of the physician. Fifthly, does it rescind or revoke them, even the diseases of the soul yield intensest on new and full evidence, clear as the pleasure-deny it not-and the active light of day! Charity is indeed then sinder laughs the praying and preach- an angel, when she searches for, and ing parson to scorn. But the diseases sees, and believes, in the religion that of the body twitch and twinge, and lies hidden in almost all human hearts pinch, and tear, and squeeze, and -unrepelled and unprovoked by diffestifle, and suffocate, and we cry out rences in faith, creed, profession, purwith a loud voice to be released from suits, manners, or appearances, and the stake in fire or flood.
still inspired in all her judgments of For these, and a thousand other rea- other human beings, by that meek yet SODS, we are inclined, contrary to what lofty spirit of which the word “Chrismight have been expected of us, to tian” expresses the sacred significaprefer the physician to the parson, tion. Still the parson is dear to us—exceed- We would almost venture to say, ingly dear. We have a most particu- that many people are too anxious about lar esteem for him in pulpit and in the state of their souls, their anxiety parlour-in the pit of the General As- making them selfish in all their relisembly, or of the theatre—in peace or gion. They deliver their consciences polemics-exhausting topics or teinds up into some saintly keeping, that it -- battling for the Bible—or against may be safe, and a look or a whisper the Apocrypha. As a bottle-companion from the mortal creature in whom they -friend-nay, a brother, we love have put their trust, disturbs their him ; but when anything goes very serenity, and throws them before him wrong with our soul—when the primce almost upon their very knees. There via are obstructed—when we shiver is much Popery in our Protestant in an ague-or in the delirium of fever, land ; and the days are not yet gone “ see more devils than vast hell can by of auricular confession. Perhaps hold,"—would you believe it ?--we give the people who speak least of their the servant orders to tell the minister faith, have it deepest and most steadthat we are not at home, hide our heads fast,-preserving its sanctity unprobelow the bed-clothes, and remember faned by unseasonable colloquies,indistinctly what Shakspeare says- avowing it on the Sabbath before mian * Therein the patient must minister to and to God alone every morning and
as well as God in public worship, himself."
every evening in the private chamber We have scarcely been able to bring of their own thoughts. Yet may they ourselves to believe that human beings be pronounced, by the rash judgments are in general indifferent about the of the righteous overmuch, indifferent state either of their bodies or of their about the state of their souls ! souls. It is the high-flown fashion- Just so with that which we call our able doctrine, however, at present, bodies. It is not possible that rational both in the Religious and Medical beings can be utterly careless about World. The soul may be sorrowfully the health of their bodies any more VOL. XXIII.
than of their souls. We all fear to sudden off-taking of hats, and the die, and at the slightest tap from breaking up of anything but a convithe finger of Death at the door of our vial party, all discussing your characearthly tabernacle, how we hurry to ter, and wondering if you have died barricado it, and to fasten all the bolts rich or poor. Every smile on his face and bars! True, that when that dis- is worth a fee, and you set death and turber of all our peace is thought to be the devil at defiance, when he asks you at a distance, we forget how suddenly "if you do not think the last an admihe can be with us, and through what a rable Noctes, and Murray inimitable small cranny he can creep in! But in Pong Wong ?” in this case, too, we may be too anxious The Second Kind is your Old Woabout this body of ours, and look now man. A pleasing imbecility reigns over in the same sort of selfish superstition face and figure-his speech is a trefoil towards the physician, as we did then of terror, stutter, and lisp; and he towards the priest — beseeching and smiles so sweetly, that you pluck up imploring him to keep our body from courage to believe that you cannot posdisease,
- terrified at the thought of sibly be near the last agonies. His its ceasing to breathe, and dropping sole anxiety is about
your bowels—he and decaying into dust.
beseeches you to keep quiet-adminisIt is our belief, then, that people ters his pill— tells you not to allow are, for the most part, far from being yourself to be flurried—and as he trips indifferent about the state either of their bustling away, and keeps talking to souls or bodies, although they are too himself, and your housekeeper, all the often betrayed into fits of strange for- way down stairs, and out of the streetgetfulness of the true interests of both, door, you begin cautiously to put first and into the adoption of the worst one leg out of the bed, and then anpossible means for preserving their other, and having found your
breeches well-being ; and this, we hope, will secreted in your drawers, you apparel not be considered too serious matter yourself in warm winter raiment, orfor an introduction to an article which der dinner, and in a few hours are is intended to be, on the whole, of a sitting with a friend, with your feet facetious character-for mirth may be on the fender, and on your right hand moral, and laughter as salutary as a jug of hot toddy, a cheerful and tears.
chatty convalescent. We have been very fortunate in our The Third Sort is your Quack-and physicians—that is to say, we have from him Heaven preserve all the subhad them of all the Three Kinds—and scribers to this Magazine! Hard-heartyet are alive, and supped at Ambrose's ed, coarse, vulgar, greedy, profligate, on Thursday. First, we have had, and and unprincipled, in his unfearing ighave now, your man of education
norance, you see at once that he is the your scholar and your gentleman- active partner in the firm of Mors, who is as open, honest, and sincere at Morbus, and Co. He treats you as if your bedside, as at your dinner-table, you were a horse, and drenches you and who would be disinterestedly sorry with drugs to death. Hence so many were you, in spite of his efforts to de- widows left with eight children-s0 tain you here, to go to another and a many men six feet high on Monday, better world. Experience has strength- and only six feet long on the Saturened and refined his sagacity into an day following letters announcing the instinct; and what skill and knowledge death of contributors on the eves of can do, he will do for us, should we, articles—in place of marriage-sheets, which may be highly probable, die to- funeral-shrouds—instead of trips to morrow. He is no monger of myste- the Trossachs in jaunting cars, rattling rious monosyllables—no silent head- along eight miles an hour, journeys to shaker--no appalling mute, with one the place of interment in the Grey fearful fore-finger on your pulse, and Friars and the West Kirk churchyard, two horrid eyes fixed on your face, till in a vehicle that, although drawn by you are faint with the ticking of that six horses, goes nodding on at a snail's accursed chronometer in your swim- pace, and lands you in the dirt at last. ming brain—while you think you see The quack attends impatiently the visions of undertakers, saulies, a hearse, patient corpse, in his own chariot, and and many mourning coaches-a deep- then drives off to give the coup-dedug wet hole, much shovelling, the grace to another incumbent,
The house visited by the true phy- though two children are perhaps born sician is known from the aspect of to you in three years—your family its inmates—especially the children. never increases ; and by the time that There is an airy freedom in the fi- you and your wife are fifty, looking gures of the family; a clear-skinned dismally about the house, you see complexion of face, inclining to pinki- yourselves to be childless, and feel ness; a laughing lustre of lip and eye, yourselves to be old people. set off by the glitter of well-brushed There is, it must be confessed, hair ; a taking tidiness about the dress something exceedingly perplexing in of the creatures, as if health and hap- the medical profession. We are subpiness had stood behind them at the ject to a vast variety of diseases; and mirror, This you seldom or never physicians, in order to cure them, meet with in a house annoyed by the study the art or science of medicine. Old Woman, or cursed by the Quack. By dint of extraordinary natural sagaNot that the Old Woman often does city, great practice and experience, a much serious mischief to the bairns ; physician becomes so wise in the that is to say, she seldom either kills knowledge of all diseases, and antithem outright (though such things dotes to death, that he acquires the occasionally happen), or for life ruins character of a life-preserver. You see their constitution. But then she him driving about with supplies of teaches them to have recourse, on the health in his carriage, just like that most insignificant occasions, to small neat cart-waggon with its Peebles ale, bottles and boxes, so that not the dropping comfort at every door. He slightest touch of a sore throat, a dies, and in some half-dozen years or headach, or a colic, is suffered to go so, a physician whom he had long off of its own accord, but must be kept down, lifts up his now undepresejected by drop or pill ; while the sed head, and gets into prodigious amiable patient appears with a yard of practice. He adopts a system diameflannel round her pretty throat, or a trically opposite to that of his predecap on her curly head, and is treated
That which the one said would perhaps for a whole week as a valetu- kill, the other says will cure. Now, dinarian, The Old Woman frequently the question to be answered is, which infects both parents with her own of these two men is the murderer? If fiddle-faddle, and when there is un- it indeed be within the power of mefortunately no illness of any kind dical treatment to put a patient to in their own families, they are like death, a hot close room, with a huge people appointed to a Dispensary, fire and nailed windows, and a cool and prescribe for all the paupers about airy room with no fire at all, and winthe place. We know not how it is, dows frequently open, cannot be equalbut were we a young man, we should ly good for a small child, with its face not-we could not-we would not- one blotch of small-pox. So on with marry out of a family attended by an all other complaints under the sun, Old Woman. Certain habits are dis- moon, and stars. Fathers and mothers gusting; and from young women, fall down on their knees before physiwhose health has been under the care cians, blessing them for having, under of old women, that sensitive and in- God, rescued a beloved child from the stinctive delicacy is not to be expected, tomb; while, had they known the which guards wedded life from all truth, as it is expounded by a future offence of coarseness, and preserves to Hippocrates, they would have screamthe husband's eyes, the matron-wife ed him off the premises as an assassin. pure and beautiful as the virgin-mis- Yet the bills of mortality preserve a tress.
wonderfully nice equilibrium ; and it As for the Quack, when he has fairly would almost seem that both Life and established himself in a house-fare- Death laugh at the doctors. A patient well, domestic peace! He is a paid and labouring under a hereditary disease, privileged murderer. All your family, say a cancer in the stomach, like Naeven when at their highest health, are poleon-or gout in the toe, like Chrismore or less sick ; when allowed to be topher North—is puzzled, when told ill, they are at death's door; and when that at the very fewest, his father, they die, it is in some startling and grandfather, and great grandfather, shocking manner, enough to break have been murdered, and that he must your heart and turn your brain, Al- submit to a new regimen, the result of pus is dead.
which said new regimen is, some hun- he ran the gauntlet in many fevers, dred years afterwards, quoted to a gene- scarlet, brain, rheumatic, and typhus, ration yet unborn, as one of the most through Queensberry House and the melancholy cases on record, of an in- Infirmary. Others again there arevaluable life having been sacrificed to fine, straight, stout, jolly ruddy-faced a mistaken policy of insurance. This fellows, such as you see in the Six-feet is to us a riddle, which we wish the Club, who occasionally go off like the clever Sphynx would solve, since Edi- snuff of a candle, after the long wick
has been hanging for an hour or two It is pleasing to think how very dif- alongside of the melting tallow_or ficult it is to kill people by improper who first keep walking about weakly medical treatment. T'he doctors have, and weekly in great-coats—are next doubtless, doomed many millions to seen shivering on horseback with long death-in their day--but many mil- hair to its heels—then observed with lions more have escaped scot-free from whitey-blue faces at the window of a their most pernicious prescriptions, glass coach-and finally—all within after having swallowed them with the the month—are hearsed invisible to most obedient and grateful simplicity, all eyes, and deposited beneath the gulped them down with such mon- galleries of the subterranean moudiestrous ugly faces, that death most like- warp. ly took fright and scampered off to do But to return is the author of this the job of less forbidding and formi- medical work a Physician, an Old Wodable patients. Some people, indeed, man, or a Quack ? Or is he of the Comthere are, whom we defy you to kill by posite Order? He is an Old Woman. hook or crook-and who, like old cas- The rustle of the petticoats is heard in tles that have stood sieges without end, the very preface. On his way up stairs, will crumble at last into ruins. You do you hear that he and the old lady that not so much wonder at their tenacity, used to edit my Grandmother's Reor rather pertinacity of life, for they are view, are twins. His object is, to lean, lank, bony, gaunt, grim, and impress people with the fact, that ugly customers, of whom death cannot there are certain means of insuring a get a fair hold, when the two stand up freedom from disease, and a long life.” to wrestle, and it is pronounced a dog. He is such an extremely old woman fall-or a draw. But the persons himself—such a dowager Lady Raworthy our unqualified admiration, ven-his origin stretches back into are your poor, puny, slight, slim, such a remote antiquity, that he has slender billies, weighing barely seven little allowance to make for those stone, and whom Favonius might flit foolish persons who persist in dying away with under his wing like a leaf at fourscore. Galen, he tells us, reach—who, the moment they receive the ed, by means of regimen, the great smallest insult from any disease what age of one hundred and forty, although ever-be he who he may-show fight, his constitution had been much shatwithout minding the difference of tered before he had arrived at the weight, and often by a dexterous dig twenty-eighth mile-stone on the road on the wind, floor the lubber, amid of life, not then Macadamized. The the uproarious applause of the ring. noble Venetian, Cornaro, half dead They then put on their clothes with at forty, so restored himself to decent the utmost sang-froid, and leave the health as to outlive the century that ground without a scratch. We know was born along with him, and see it several such prime bits of stuff-more gathered unto its fathers; and there especially one-a Highlander who was is an Admiral Henry, he tells us, of out in the Fifteen, then a mere boy, Rovelden, in Kent, who, till his six--and afterwards, of course, in the tieth year, was a martyr to various Forty-five, a growing lad of two score chronic diseases, but who some years -and who, never measuring above ago reached the age of ninety-one, and five feet three, nor weighing above walked daily three miles, back and seven stone seven-was yesterday- forward, to the neighbouring town of when he came for his caulker-as Tenterden without stopping or wetfine a fellow of a hundred and twenty ting his whistle.
“ 'The Admiral," and upwards, as ever turned up his quoth he," is, I believe, now living." little finger, although independently No doubt he is, and the very expresof being riddled by balls and bayonets, sion, “I believe," seems to imply a doubt that proves our friend the Doc- prolongation of human life-free, too, tor to be, after all, of a very incredu- from all those diseases which at prelous and sceptical mind—for if such sent flesh is heir to? What would puny fellows as Galen and Cornaro so become of the University of Edinbearded Time, why may not gallant burgh? The medical school would be old Henry—true English heart of oak knocked on the head—and instead of -live six hundred years or more, and a hundred and thirty doctors per anbe entitled to add CCCCC to Rear-Ad- num issuing out of its gates, you miral? The only difficulty with most might as vainly look for a physician as people is to get safely and stoutly on for a phenix-an arimaspian as an the weather-beam of a hundred. After apothecary—a griffin as a graduate. that it is all plain sailing-and, were If there were no sufferings of the we not restrained by our veneration for body, there would be no paupers and old age, we should say that the man no charity. Religion would be a who dies at all after a hundred and luxury rather than a necessary of life forty, must be a sad old blockhead -people in general would walk about
- entirely superannuated, and in the counting their fingers-ennui would last stage of dotage.
cease to be fashionable, because epiBefore we go farther, we wish, with demical — the most pathetic elegies all due respect, to ask this worthy Old would be poured over the interminWoman one single question. Why all able length and slowness of human this anxiety for a long life? Does life and ten to one, there would be she not know that since
the Flood the a violent re-action terminating in uniterm of human life has been fixed at versal suicide. about threescore and ten years ? It Let us see, however, by what means is quite long enough. If a man will our author proposes to add a century but be busy, and not idle away his or so to the life of each purchaser of his time, he may do wonders within that volume. “I shall,” says she, "properiod. Only think of Alexander the ceed at once to point out the qualities Great, who had conquered the world of the chief articles used as food by at thirty, and having nothing more to man, both animal and vegetable, with do, got dead drunk in Babylon. Think the proper times for eating and drinkof Master Beattie, who was the Young ing, and the quantity best adapted to Roscius at twelve. Remember the name the purposes of health and longevity; -which we have forgotten—of that in order that those who are earnestly universal linguist, who hopped the twig desirous of becoming acquainted with before he bad cut all his single teeth the art of living long and comfortably, -or fairly given up sucking. Lord and of adhering thereto, may not be preserve us in this literary age—if at a loss on any point of consequence people were to keep scribbling on for relating to so material a branch of that centuries! When, pray, would a man art as diet.” The “ march of mind” or woman be in the prime of life? We now at double-quick time, presume a maiden lady of sixty would awkward squad and all—and we look be quite a tid-bit-and that it would over our left shoulder, as we advance, be nuts to carry off the great-grand- with contemptuous pity, on our ancesmother of a gentleman in extensive tors. They knew nothing, they could practice at the English bar, or haply do nothing, and it is odd how they Lord Chancellor, to Gretna Green. contrived to keep themselves out of No-no-no-life is long enough as the fire. Before their eyes, the road it is there is no occasion to stretch it to their own mouths lay dim and unto the crack of doom. Let us die at a certain, and they sorely lacked a fingermoderate age and be thankful. Why post. Even now, it would appear from this vain longing for longevity? Why this book, that mankind, although, or seek to rob human life of its melan- rather because, an omnivorous animal, choly moral—namely, its shortness— left to their uninstructed reason and and deprive flowers, grass, dew, smoke, instinct, are incapable of arriving at vapours, clouds, and bubbles, of the the discovery of the proper hour of the poetry and passion now inherent in day at which they should all, as at the their names and natures, as natural toll of one bell, or beat of one gong, emblems of the destiny of man? sit down to dinner. It is now some
Have you ever ruminated, our good where about six thousand years since Old Lady, on the consequences of the man became an animal, or living crea.