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talents; and by three long and con- which has not, so far as we know, yet tinuous extracts, we have enabled the attracted the attention of our critical public to form their own opinion of brethren, whose boundless panegyricks his powers. This, after all, is infinite have often been lavished on far infely the best way of treating a work of rior productions. merit, especially one like the present,
HOGG'S THREE PERILS OF WOMAN.*
(See Noctes Ambrosianæ. No. XII.) We know not whether Hogg, the ourselves to a pine-apple or a fozeyWell-Beloved, is greatest as a chi- turnip-to a golden pippin or a green valrous or moral writer. In the one crabto noyau or castor-oil--to white character, many prefer him to Scott; soup, syllabub, and venison, or to and, in the other, he is thought to sheep-head broth, haggis, and hog's beat Pope black and blue. His knights flesh. The table-cloth, too, is damask, are wonderful creations of genius, and and richly figured; but villainously altogether above thmilitary standard; darned and washed in its own grease and as for his ladies, none more mag- ma china tureen, filled to the brim nanimous ever followed a marching re- with hodge-podge, undergoes unceagiment. When he leaves the lists, and sing domiciliary visits from a huge sports poet of peaceful parlour life, he wooden spoon, fitter to stir tar for looks with his large goggle eye through sheep-smearing. Here a broken-nosed the dim window in the human heart, mustard pot, purchased from Peter and discovers the party within at tea Bell's thirteenth wife; and there a piece or punch, or all retiring to rest. He of plate from the Shakespeare Club of paints them as he detects them in their Alloa ; a magnum of claret is cooling privacy, figged out in their Sunday's itself in a utensil that shall be anonybest, indulging in dishabille, or strip- mous in periodical literature; and slapped, as lords and ladies used to strip bang goes a bottle of barmy into the during the dark ages, puris naturali, eye of Tom Purdy, whose velveteen bus. It is indeed this rare union of breeches contrast boldly with the imi. high imagination with homely truth tation yellow of Tims' inexpressibles. that constitutes the peculiar character The flunkies are of all sexes, linseyof his writings. In one page, we woolsey, kilts, and pantaloons. If you listen to the song of the nightingale, suffer your plate for a single moment and in another, to the grunt of the to escape from the shelter of your own boar. Now the wood is vocal with bosom, a hundred to one but you see the feathered choir; and then the sty one of the Tweeddale Yeomanry lickbubbles and squeaks with a farm-sow, ing it up with a tongue half a yard and a litter of nineteen pigwiggins. long, and as rough as a bison's. Ever Now" it is an angel's song, that bids and anon, by way of a song, some grathe heavens be mute;" and then it is zier, with a throat like a black-booter Jamie bimself, routing“ Love is like guzzling slug-worms in a quagmire, a dizziness ; it will not let a puir bodie gutturalizes something pastoral out of gang about his bizziness.” Now en- George Thomson's Collection of Scotters bonny Kilmenie, or Mary Lee, tish Songs; the landlord plays a spring preparing to flee into Fairy-land, or beat on the “ trump;" a lad “ o' genius, up the quarters of the Man in the attempts the inimitable Sandy BallanMoon; and then, lo and behold, some tyne on the“ bit whistle ;" and all the huggered, red-armed, horny-fisted, Bulls of Bashan rejoice in the chorus glaur-nailed Girrzy, removing on the of Auld lang syne.” Such, in a very day before term, from the Hen-coop to few words, is a plain, intelligible, unthe sign of the Kilt, on an advance of exaggerated, and philosophical characsix shillings on the half-year's wage. ter of James Hogg, as a chivalrous, Never was there such a bothering re- and, we believe also, as a moral writer. past set down before the reading public The " Three Perils of Woman ; or by any other caterer. It is impossible Love, Leazing, and Jealousy,” is one to foresee whether we are about to help of our shepherd s most agreeable and
The Three Perils of Woman ; or, Love, Learning, and Jealousy. A series of Domestic Scottish Tales. By James Hogg. In three volumes. London-Longman, Hurst, Rees, Orme, Brown, and Green, Paternoster-Row. 1823.
bamboozling productions. His know- world, that his wife might divorce him, ledge of the female heart is like a ge- he gets finally outwitted, jockeyed off neral rule, not without exceptions; but the course of Knavesmire, by a man half the quantity would be very avail- called—TOMKINS.-Oh the Confes able to a man's happiness in younger sions of an English Beet-Root EAT. life. What with his genius, and what with his buck-teeth; what with his Contrast Hogg and Hazlitt as amafiddle, and what with his love-locks tory writers, each with his Liber Amololling over his shoulders as he “gaed ris* in his band. Hogg is coarse, but up the Kirk,” tastily tied with a blue potent; hairy, but headlong; flatterribbon ; what with his running for ing, but not always flatulent; no doubt prize-hats up the old avenue of Tra- a gay deceiver, but then is certainly, if quhair, “ with his hurdies like twa not a handsome, at least a well-built distant hills,” to the distancing of all man ; enough for all purposes of civic competitors; and what with his lister- and domestic economy, either in large ing of fish and grewing of mawkins, towns, small villages, or a solitary a gentler and more irresistible shepherd house. He knows little of foreign was not to be found from Moffat to tongues, but occagionally can spell his Mellerstain. We have, in these three own; he has a neive to nip, a knee to volumes, the cream, and butter, and dandle ; a mouth to dimple, and to decheese, of his experience, the pail, the vour unutterable things; free and easy churn, and the press. Now the Shep- at times can James unquestionably be, herd must on no account whatever Ay but he respects the laws of God and into a passion with us for the above man; and he shines as a friend, a brogood-humoured little bit of persona- ther, a master, a husband, a father, a lity. In his “ Own Life," he describes shepherd, a farmer, a hunter, a genhis friends by “ hair like feathers,” tleman, a citizen, a man, and a Chrisand “ nails like eagle-claws,” and so tian. Hazlitt, on the contrary, is forth, which is all very proper and coarse as canvass, but cannot hold the pretty portraiture. More than once wind ; hairy and hirsute he seemed to hath he scoffed at our crutch and our be in his late indecent exposure on rheumatiz; and, from these and sun- the high-way, but spavined and with dry other hints, we presume he wishes a string-galt; in panegyric, he is Sir us to favour the public with a carica- Toby Belch; a dull deceiver, pluckless, ture of himself in an early Number. but not unpimpled. Alas ! for the doWe have done one that is thought ca- mestic economy of the unsuccessful ripital, and he has only to say the word, val of Mr Tomkins for the favours of and out it comes at Christmas.
a tailor's daughter, dallying with the Many have been the writers on Love, impotent ardour of an unprincipled the tender, the beautiful passion, from adulterer, verging on threescore ; for Homer to Hogg ; and still the subject misquotations, misrepresentations,miswould seem to be inexhaustible. Must begettings, misbelievings, and mischief a man be in love to write of love ? Not in general, see the ignominious ignoranecessarily. The Shepherd writes as if mus passim; and as for the relations he held Cupid in a tarry tow, and sent and duties of private life, has he not, him to bed by times with a flea in his for the sake of puff and pudding,
He keeps the urchin in order, avowed himself, in one damning act, without breaking his spirit. Not so the shameless violator of them all ; that other “gentle shepherd,” Willy and with his own hand written fool and Hazlitt. He falls in love with a tailor's knave on his own brazen forehead, that daughter; and after whining, puking, the public as she runs may read? snivelling, and droning, for half a year; Now, our most excellent friend, the after relinquishing various lucrative Shepherd, would not have allowed himappointments as a gentleman of the self to have been jilted like the New press,” that brought him in tripe and Pygmalion. He would have made love, twist almost sufficient for a bare sub- not like a small, fetid, blear-eyed pug, sistence; after going down to Scotland but like a big curly Newfoundlander, at a very considerable expense, in the who had broken his chain, and bounsteerage of a steam-boat, to commit an ced like a rocket out of his kennel act, as he himself has informed the upon the beauty of SouthamptonRow. The whole affair could have or at least the one that was visible, were been over, while Pug, or Pygmalion, heavy and swollen, and but half awake. was shedding his rheum down “ thé "A pretty figure to be in love, truly!' pimple pass" of his nose, and most dis- said she, and turned away from the glass consolately brandishing over his back with a smile so lovely, that it was like a that tail, which is fixed for ever and blink of the sun through the brooding aye in one ludicrous circumbendi
* Vile Latin.
clouds of the morning. bus. James is a man, and that is well “Gatty drew on her worsted stockings, known among friend and foe all over
as white as the lamb from whose back the Forest; but silly Billy was taken
they had been originally shorn, flung her up for an indecent exposure of his per
snowy veil over her youthful and sylph
like form, and went away, as it were méson, and acquitted solely on the ground, that the New Pygmalion was incapable in a corner, where she had been accus
chanically, to an old settee that stood of any misdemeanour implying man
tomed for a number of years to kneel hood. After this elaborate eulogy on the that morning Agatha stood stiil with ap
every morning and say her prayers. But Shepherd, we proceed to analyse the
parent hesitation for a considerable space, first Peril of Woman, Love. The tale
and did not kneel as she was wont. 'I opens with a pretty picture of Gatty
cannot pray any to-day,' said Gatty, and Bell, in bed, and, for the first time, returned sobbing, while the tears dropped feeling love.
from her eyes. “ • I fear I am in love,' said Gatty “ She sat down on the side of her bed, Bell, as she first awakened in her soli- and continued sobbing-very slightly, tary bed in the garret-room of her fa- and as softly, it is true,-but still she ther's farm-house. • And what a business could not refrain from it, and always now I am like to have of it! I have had such and then she thrust her hair up from her a night dream dreaming, and all about eye in beneath her oblique cap, until her one person ; and now I shall have such head appeared quite deformed with a a day thinking and thinking, and all about great protuberance on the one side. It the same person. But I will not mention is not yet my accustomed time of rising,' his name even to myself, for it is a shame said Gatty again to herself. I will exand a disgrace for one of my age to fall amine myself with regard to these feelin love, and of her own accord too. I ings, that are as strange as they are new will set my face against it. My resolu. my
heart.' tion is taken. I will not fall in love in any Gatty then cross-examines herself such way.'
with considerable acuteness, and for“ Gatty sprung from her bed, as light- ces the witness to let the cat out of the ly as a kid leaping from its lair on the bag. But she pumps her nurse as folshelf of the rock. There was a little lows. bright mirror, fourteen inches by ten, “ • Dear nurse, how does one know if that hung on the wall at the side of her she is really in love ?' said Gatty. gable-window, but Gatty made a rule of « Ah ! dearest child, it is too easy to never looking into this glass on a morn- know that! By this token shall you know ing till once she had said a short prayer, it, that you think of nothing but the bewashed her hands and face, and put on loved object, whether by night or by day, her clothes; then she turned to her mir waking or sleeping, alone or in company. ror to put her exuberant locks under You measure and estimate all others acsome restraint for the day. But that cording as they approximate to the promorning, being newly-awakened out of a portions of his person, or qualities of his love-dream, and angry with herself for mind. You long incessantly to be near having indulged in such a dream, she him, and to feast your eyes on his looks sprung from her couch, and without think and his perfections; yet, when he aping what she was about, went straight up, proaches your person, you feel a desire leaned both her spread hands on the dress- to repulse him so irresistible, that it is ing-table, and looked into the mirror. almost ten to one you behave saucily, if Her pretty muslin night-cap had come all not rudely to him.' round to one side, and having brought her “Oh, dear me, what a strange ridicuredundancy of fair hair aside with it, her lous passion that must be ! Dearest nurse, left cheek and eye were completely sha- were you ever in love ?' ded with these ; while the right cheek, ""O fie, my loved Gatty, how can you which was left bare and exposed, was ask that question ? Do you not know that Aushed, and nearly of the colour of the I nursed you at my breast ?' damask rose. At the same time, her eyes, "I crave your pardon, dear nurse ;
that expression of yours speaks volumes. scorn to have her sitting thrumming and I never in all my life thought of it before; bumming at a piano, at which every tai. but I cannot promise never to think of lor's, webster's, and sutor's daughter
must it again.'
now be a proficient; but I would delight « • Mine was a hard and a cruel fate. to hear her sing a good Scots sang to one Let no maid after me, without long and of our native melodies, without rising thorough acquaintance, trust the protest from her place at table, which I think a ations of a lover.'
thousand times more becoming than trail. “" I wonder who made all the songs ing fo’k away to another room, and plunk. about love, nurse?'
ing and plunning on bits o' loose black * • What a ridiculous matter to wonder and white sticks, and turning o'er the at!'
leaves o' great braid beuks. It looks al« * Because they are all true, it would ways to me as if the woman were a part appear, in what they affirm regarding the of the machine she is sitting at; but I cruelty of man.'
am determined that my bairn's music shall « • Not one of them comes half-way up be all inherent, and depend on the tones to the truth in their descriptions of man's of her own voice, of which all artificial cruelty.'
tones are but mean imitations. And then “Oh dear, what shocking creatures I want to have her mistress of both the they must be! Is it not a crying sin to new and old dances. Naebody kens what fall in love with any of them ?'
company ane may chance to be in, and a' « • Perhaps I am singular in my opi- kinds of awkwardness are grievous and nion, and perhaps I may be wrong ; but distressing, particularly to those that are it is from hard-earned experience that I forced to witness them.' have imbibed it, and I truly think that no « • Well, I won't go against you any woman ought to be in love with a man more in this, Mr Bell. I like this last until once she is married to him, and then plan of yours much better than a boardlet her love with all her soul and mind. ing-school. With honest Mrs Johnson, All youthful love is not only sinful, but I can trust my children as with myself. imprudent in the highest degree ; and Gatty's education will be much better, at besides, it is like Jonah's gourd, it grows one-third of the expense. And their preup in a night, and perishes in a night, sence will be a constant and effectual leaving the hapless being that trusted in check on that boy, should he incline to a shelter under its delicious foliage to any licentious company, or gather any wretchedness and despair. O dearest wild irregular associates about him, to Gatty, as you love virtue, as you love prey on bim, and lead him astray. yourself, your parents, and your God, never Accordingly, Gatty, her brother Joyield to the giddy passion of youthful love! seph, and old nurse, leave Bellsburn
-But your mother calls for me through foot, and proceed to Edinburgh on the the whole house, I must begone.'”, 15th of May, A. D.-, and not When Gatty was left alone, we are
before Mr Bell had given her the foltold “ she hung down her head, and lowing sound parental advice. sat for a space the very picture of con
“Now, daughter Gatty,' said he, 'ye templation.” The innocent creature,
hae just four things to learn in Edinburgh feeling, by certain symptoms not to be
-no to learn, but to perfect yoursel in :
-ye hae to learn to manage your head, mistaken, that her complaint, or rather crime, is love, ejaculates, “ So
your hands, your feet, and your heart. here am I, only eighteen years of age baith outside and inside. It's no the bobs
Your head will require a little redding up, past in April, and have already been
and the curls, the ribbons and the roseoverstepping the sacred bounds of ri- knots, the gilded kames, and the great gid decorum, and sinning against my toppings o’ well-sleekit-up hair, that are parents, and against Heaven, which is
to stand the test for life ; and yet these far worse, by giving my heart before
are a' becoming in their places. But there it was asked.” In this quandary, Gatty is something else required. Ye maun is sent to Edinburgh, to be out of learn to think for yoursel, and act for harm's way; and her father thus yoursel, for you canna always have your shrewdly and sensibly elucidates his mother and me to think and act for you. views on the subject of female educa. Ye maun learn to calculate and weigh, tion.
not only your own actions, but your mo“ "What branches of education do you tives of action, as well as the actions and propose for her ?
apparent motives of those with whom you «« I want her to go over her English, have to deal; and stick aye by that, my French, writing, and arithmetic. I would woman, of which you are sure you will
never be ashamed, either in this world, parture, Gatty and M'Ion suffer the or the one that's to come. But I am most dreadful tortures. They are over growing ower serious now, and I never head and ears in love, but both oblikit sermons muckle mysel; therefore, stinate as well-driven corks. Gatty in the management of your feet, I wad will sooner die than peach against heradvise you to learn a' the reel-steps, horn. self, and M'Ion will not pop the pipe-steps, and transpey-flings, that have
question, not he indeed. There never ever been inventit; and be sure to get a'
was such a Pygmalion in this world, the tirliewhirlies of country-dances, and
and we cannot imagine what brother town-dances, cost what they like. I canna
Joe was about, not to force him to dename the sum I wad whiles bae gien in
clare, if his intentions were honouimy life to bae been master of twa or three
able. At page 58, a crisis seems fast o them, especially when I was made head-manager o' the Duke's balls. There
approaching was my Lady Eskdale and I set up at the
“ In despite of all that Gatty could say, top o' the dance. She got her choice o'
old Elen still sauntered on with her, till the figure, as they ca'd it, and she made
at length up started M'Ion out of a bush choice o' the ane that they ca' the Med
before them, and stood waiting their apley. Weel, the music strak up wi' a great
proach. Elen let the skirt of her stuff skreed, and aff we went, round-about
gown fall down from about her shoulders, and round-about, back and forret, setting
shook down her apron with both hands, to this ane, and setting to the tither,
and, looking with inquiring astonishment deil hae me an I ken’d a foot where I was
in Gatty's face, whose cheek burnt to the gaun ; and there was I, Aying and rinning
bone, she said, in a hurried whisper, like a sturdied toop, and the sweat drap- • Peace o conscience! who is that? Ah ping aff at the stirls of my nose. But it
wickedness, wickedness! the very Highwas mair through shame than fatigue;
landman that was here last year ! Oh, I for, when I heard the young gillies laugh
thought the waist was unco sma, and the ing at me, I lost a' sense and recollection
curls unco neat, an' unco bright and shithegither, and just ran looking ower my
ning. Ay, ay, it's a ower wi' somebody! shoulder, to see what my partner was
It's a mercy he hasną a kilt, though. gaun to do neist. Ten shillings worth o'
• Goodbye, Elen, ye maunna gang nae dancing, when I was young, wad hae set
farther the day,' quo' she! Oh sirs, the me aboon a' that; and I am resolved,
bits o' wiles, and the bits o' harmless lees, afore ye should ever be in sic a predica
and the bits o' cunning links, that love ment, to ware ten times ten on your dan
has in its tail! Fare-ye-weel, dear heart, cing, forbye a' that I hae gien already.'
and take care o' yoursel, for I'll warrant Gatty has not been many days in
him o' the blood o' the wild rebellioners, Auld Reekie before she falls in with that gae our fathers and our mothers sic M'Ion of Boroland, the identical Celt a glif-wi' their kilts, ye ken.' of whom she had been dreaming the
« Elen left them, and the lovers pursued morning she first felt love, and his
their route homeward, M'Ion still fishing appearance goes at once smack to her for an opportunity of declaring his love, heart. She feels herself to be a dying
and Gatty still panting for dread of the woman, and says to her father, “ Yes,
subject, and doing all that she could to
waive that, which, of aught in the world, father, I do feel a dream preying on
she liked the best to bear. He once got my vitals, which no one knows the
the following length, but soon was dampnature of but myself, nor ever shall
ed. Have you no wish nor desire to know, though it should carry me to
have a view of the North Highlands, Miss The old farmer, one of Bell?' the Dandy Dinmont breed, was con
“• O, gracious me, no, no, no! What founded, as well he might be, “and
would I do seeing a country where all the was summoning a resolution to take
people are Papists, rebels, and thieves ? her home with him in the Fly, when where I could not pronounce a word of the nurse interposed with that strength
the language, nor a local name of the of solid reasoning for which she was country? How could I ask the road over remarkable, and, in a sho time, mad
Drumoachder, or Carreiyearach, or Meealboth the father and daughter ashamed fourvounnich? God keep me out of that of the parts they were acting, so that savage country!' they had not another word to say on the “ What could a lover say in reply to subject. Daniel went off in the Fly, such a stigma thrown out on his country
as this? M'Ion said nothing, but smiled Soon after the old gentleman's de- at the girl's extravagant ideas of the