the king's right of bestowing honours; but still, it behoves him to be extremely particular on whom he bestows such splendid dignities as the baton. Some of these aristocratical gentlemen, for instance, were undeserving of such high favour. It will scarce be believed, that they took advantage of my free-making disposition, to inform his majesty of something that dropt in my haste from me; and in consequence of which, his majesty himself went to law with me, and directed (I must say in the handsomest manner) his own counsel to proceed against me, without putting me to the least charge, not so much as for a counsel to defend me. There was nothing but the height of complaisance throughout the whole proceeding: the judge left it to me to say whether I was guilty or not; I answered "not guilty," but left it to my country; the counsel left it to the judge, and the judge left it to the jury; the jury knew nothing of the matter, but did as his lordship seemed to think proper, that is, they found me guilty of petty larceny a thing that was absoutely ridiculous and impossible; for as I live, that was the first day I had ever heard of such a crime; and how, in the name of common sense could I be guilty of knowingly committing what I did not know to exist, even in name? But the above mentioned coronetted witnesses swore to the fact, and his lordship was polite enough to imagine me as well read in the law as himself; and so, when he most condescendingly asked me if I had any thing to say for myself, I was ashamed of avowing my ignorance in open court, and rather than do so, suffered myself to be removed, for change of air and opportunity of study, to Coldbathfields for the summer months.

I fell off greatly in my learning during my stay here, for there was small opportunity of practice. Most of the young gentlemen boarders never took snuff but out of other people's boxes, and were equally careless of self in the articles of handkerchiefs and purses. There was a delightful community of goods among them, without any great regard for the distinctions between meum and tuum, which feed so many hungry law-choppers. But what could be done, where there was but one wisp among twenty? Nothing remained for me, in this dearth of subjects, but to give private lessons in the science of ways and means, to such of the active young pensioners as took my-fancy. We mutually communicated our progress in the abstract sciences; and I never remember a time when I acquired so much desultory information on things in general, though my particular avocation was for awhile suspended. Nor was the government neglectful of the health and education of its most active citizens. We were taught to dance on a new principle, and to keep time with a huge cylindrical organ, that greatly improved our elasticity. There was an ordinary kept on purpose for our restoration; and on Sundays a farce was always acted, morning and evening, for our amusement. Every now and again a tragedy was performed, and some of our body were invited to act the principal part; and it must be allowed, that after some advice and preparation, they managed to do the death-scenes in good style. The trainer was a very social fellow, who would often come down after dinner, to chat an hour or so with some of us, and charitably give us an opportunity of trying. our skill in the old line.

We scarce ever went empty-handed away from the good man's lec

tures. I acquired such a relish for this congenial society, that I was almost sorry to leave it, when the three months of my rustication expired, and when it became quite proper for me to make my arrival with the fashionables in town. But I had almost forgot to mention, that some patriotic individuals, of truly evangelical character, had undertaken our instruction in reading and writing on a new principle; for most of us would have scorned the old way, as too slavish for genius. They called themselves the Tract Society, and very tractable scholars they made us. Part of the system was this: a regular pack of A. B. C. cards were dealt out among us, and whoever could make a word out of his hand, obtained a certain stake; thus, we gambled for learning. Another plan was this; a tract was given to the head scholar to read; if he read it through correctly, he earned a deposit; if not, whoever set him right got so much out of it; so that altogether, reading and spelling were as agreeable to us as pitch and toss. But whether we won or lost, we always received a quantity of printed papers to study in private: bless their considerate liberality! I never should have been able to alliterate the walls, and consecrate them to learning, nor to mount the tub and preach to the honest Southcotians, had it not been for the charitable edification of the Tract Society; but we will come to all that by and bye; at present it is my business to inform you, how I, and two verily converted brethren of mine, managed to circulate more tracts in a day, than the society had disseminated in a month; and I hope that the charity of the act will cover a multitude of my sins; I say the charity, because, as for good works, I no more value them than the society itself.

Well, then, young Griffin, Jim Ferret, and I, were booked for town on the same day, and into a more devout or sanctified deportment it was impossible to get us. I, in particular, sang psalms more affectingly than I had ever sung Cherry Ripe, and was allowed to have had a call, and become a sincere penitent. The situation of psalmist to one of the "Little Houses of the Lord" was offered tome; but I had higher objects in view, and meant to convert on a larger scale; namely, on the highways and public places. We three volunteered to labour in the same vineyard with the society, and they furnished us abundantly with materials, and a viaticum. The morning fixed for our departure (I shall never forget it) had also been selected for the farewell address of some of our brightest companions, who were bound on a journey in quite an opposite direction. They had removed to the neighbourhood of the Saracen's Head, for the purpose of starting early in the morning. We just reached the hotel in time to see them on the top of the new drop, as I think that swiftest of all stages is called, and of course we stayed to hear their adieus, and to see them off. We profited by the good advice they gave at parting-for how should we have been unconcerned and inattentive to our duty, when the most indifferent spectator appeared so wrapt up in the scene, as to be quite unconscious of what was going on at his very skirts? One of the travellers bade us make the most of time-and so we did, for each of us provided himself with a watch to note it correctly. After which, we set off westwardly, to promote the circulation of the tracts, as we had projected. As these were pretty little sermons adapted to solemn occasions, we thought it but allowable rhetorical art, to fit them with a

text suitable to the melancholy reflexions which the morning's scene had awakened and to make it more impressive, by an oratorical fiction, we feigned these tracts to be "the last speeches and dying words" of some confessors, who had bequeathed a word of exhortation to their survivors.

There was such a similarity in the style of these two prosy compositions, that persons seldom perceived the pious fraud, until we were far away; for we made it a point not to loiter on our road, but to scatter a grain of advice here and there, collecting at the same time penny subscriptions for the benefit of the society.

Our habits being similar, we agreed to go into partnership, and to purchase a small theatre and orchestra, out of the fruits of the sale of the society papers. I was appointed manager, Griffin money-taker, and Ferret conductor of the band; for this last was a first-rate player on the pandean-pipes and big drum. We had acquired so much reverence for religion and the laws, that we always took care to introduce a grave clergyman, or rebuking magistrate, among the characters personated; and this for the purpose of inspiring the multitude with respect towards those orders. We invariably represented them as doing their duty in spite of blows, stripes, kicks, and other disasters. Our plots were generally of a simple nature, tending to illustrate the felicity of the marriage state, not in the dull, insipid, Darby and Joan life; but in the most animated and striking style.

We amassed a tolerable sum each day for all the purposes of life, and a surplus, which we laid out for encouragement to malt-growers ; for we always had a public motive in view. During the height of my success, the venerable Mrs. Jay was confined in the Borough, whither she had been directed to retire for some months; but as the Morning Post made no mention of her, under the head of births, we think it right, out of delicacy, to keep all relating to that matter a secret. Fortune rarely favours the deserving for any length of time! A variety of accidents occurred to diminish the profit of our partnership -the loss of my mother, who was the property-woman and boxkeeper, much embarrassed us-the disputes between the landholders and manufacturers, too, rendered people so suspicious, that they either went without any thing in their pockets, or having it, refused to contribute to the relief of others. How, therefore, could we expect to amerce them? but the most ruinous measure of all, was the appointment of a dramatic censor, in Mr. G. Colman, who refused to license such pieces as contained good, round, old English ejaculations; and, consequently, the entertainments became so insipid to the nation at large, that no one would attend them; and, in fact, the theatre has been retrograding ever since. As we had neglected to obtain the lord chamberlain's license, the reformists adopted summary process of fine, &c. against us. During the examination on oath, before a magistrate, it having appeared that Mr. Griffin had taken upon himself one of the highest privileges of the House of Commons, that of taxing the subject, we were deprived of his valuable services, and he was ordered to appear at the bar, to answer for the breach of privilege.

These accumulated misfortunes obliged us to shut up the theatre, and not long after a docket was struck against me as lessee, by a pawnbroking scoundrel, who put the whole property to the hammer.

The poor actors luckily found engagements in other companies. I have here said very little about them, because their lives are familiar to the dramatic public; but should this sketch appear promising enough, I will deck it out with anecdotes of these stage-characters, which will be read with avidity, by all the lovers of the drama.

Having thus suddenly sunk down on the very high-road to wealth, honour, fame, and consequence, no resource remained for me but to turn writer. I chose a grand ornamental style, and adopted a peculiar system of contrast; if the matter on which I wrote was dark or obscure, I composed in a light, brilliant manner, that set off the subject to great advantage. On the contrary, if I had to deal with a plain, lucid subject, I endeavoured to give it an air of gravity and sombre shade, that greatly impressed it on the imagination. However, I generally preferred the light style, because my studies were carried on by night, at which time images of darkness were not adapted to my disposition. But clearness and distinctness were my chief characteristics; and I succeeded so far, that it was usual to say of my writings, that those who ran might read them. How often I have been near being prosecuted for them, is well known to my contemporaries. That, however, is no discredit to me, as the greatest authors have also been prosecuted in this age. I say no more, lest I should be accused of vanity, but refer my readers to the walls about Brompton and Kensington, for specimens of the sublime and beautiful.

I might have subsisted very comfortably by this literary occupation, enlightening the world and helping to polish mankind, had not the subjects on which I wrote been speedily exhausted. The field of my exertions became so narrowed from being, like the other genteel professions, overstocked, that invention was completely foiled for new, untouched matter to write upon. Nothing remained but to publish fresh editions of my works, as fast as they went off: but a man of genius flies from the tedious labour of correcting and revising former ideas-such monotonous employment sickens him-add to which, the emolument seldom repays him for his trouble. I did not altogether discard letters, but united them to the more successful mode of instructing mankind morally. Having, in the course of my meditating rambles by moonlight, been one evening suddenly surprised by certain inquisitive meddlers, while in the act of composing a majestic ode on a country church-yard, I broke off the strain in a pet, leaving my instruments behind me, and took refuge from the impertinent spies in the body of the building. Here a gentleman of dignified mien was holding forth upon sheep and goats, lambs, oxen, and asses, as if he were a grazier; and, indeed, he proved to be the greatest feeder in the parish. There is no accounting for the unseasonable hour, in which conviction may be forced upon us. Here now was I, dreaming of nothing but cattle, and yet I received as sincere a call in this place, as ever I received. I began to mourn within me, that I had so long neglected the lessons of the Tract Society, and determined instantly to set about teaching men the vanity of earthly possessions.

In effect, on the descent of the grazier from the elevated place whence he delivered his lecture, I went up to him in an unostentatious way, and used certain private arguments, that could not fail to produce in him, conviction of the uncertainty of human possessions. I

showed him how much better it was to keep a good watch on himself, than to allow his flock to engross his hourly concern; I made him take heed, lest the fleecer should himself be fleeced, yea, in the very act of wool-gathering; and then I modestly retired, not wishing to encounter his self-upbraidings. Having begun the pious work, I hastened back to town that night, reasoning with myself, and strengthening my resolution, to become henceforth an enforcer of the instability of worldly goods.

With this view I waited on an adopted uncle of mine, a truly benevolent man, who had always maintained that doctrine by precept and practice, lending money to all such as showed a disregard of their property. I gave him a pledge of my conversion; and he fitted me out as an itinerant teacher. I brushed up my divinity, and attended several conventicles before I commenced lecturing, always inculcating by my practice the maxim with which I set out. At length I took the field as a Southcote militant, and drew from my congregation as many proofs of their profound attention as ever were elicited. There was such an outpouring at my meetings, that the plate was found to contain watches, rings, and trinkets, besides coin, extracted from my audience by the powerful appeals I made; and many wept for days after, at the lessons which I had given them. Of course I took not the merit of these zealous efforts on myself, nor did any one attribute to me such selfseeking worldly-mindedness. No! it was no sort of suspicion of my appropriating gifts, which did not belong to me, that threw me into discredit with my hearers, who more and more delighted in my discourses, from the zeal with which I denounced picking and stealing. I fell a martyr to the infidelity that spread itself among some of the juvenile females of my auditors. Alas! they might have become the mothers of young Shilohs, had they had the faith of Joanna! But it seems they were moved by the evil one, to read their recantation before a civil magistrate, and to accuse me of having seduced them to conceive, that they might give birth to the prince of the millenium. I was bound here and there to keep the peace, which it was said I had violated; and to put myself forward as the sworn promoter of the infant society, which I had helped to form. I was, with all my efforts, unequal to the task; and, in consequence, my ungrateful audience forsook me-that is, they would have forsaken me, if I had not anticipated their design. I left the faithless, frail creatures to shift for themselves, and directed all my abilities to informing the great ones of the earth. This country was once ruled by a statesman, who sought information from every quarter, high or low, whence it could be attained. I need not name the lowly man, he did one act-for which, if he had never done any other, we ought to be eternally grateful; he died for his country's good. It is this part of my life that gives me the greatest pride, as it enables me to unfold my services to the state, and to relate the high estimation in which I was held by the governors of the land. Judge you, whether Mr. Kelly, or any other, can detail such interesting anecdotes of the great, as fell under my observation, during this nobleman's administration. He was the best patron I ever had; but I scorned to make use of his interest, without rendering myself worthy of his esteem, and of my country's gratitude. I gave him all the secret instructions