The Tapestry Merchant. "I'M SORRY YOU CANNOT HAVE THIS PIECE, SIR. IT IS A SPECIAL ORDER FOR A VERY WEALTHY CUSTOMER." Profiteer. "WOT'S IT ALL ABOUT?" The Tapestry Merchant. 'IT 13 THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS, SIR." Profiteer. "AH, WELL, MAKE ME ONE LIKE IT, BUT LET ME 'AVE A DOZEN OF THEM DEADLY SINS. rose triumphant above the rattling of tools and cans and bottles in the back. The skilled help appeared slightly piqued at this. "Must be your universal," he said, and, having taken out some floor-boards inside the car, got at the noise from above with a spanner. He put in five minutes of this, and apparently frightened the squeak out of its hiding-place and away forward under the bonnet. was his fury allayed at all by his sudden When a subdued humming like an Percival paid him for skilled help and got in the car. Then he got out, wiped down his trouser legs as well as possible, replaced the floor-boards and got Here he tried to fix it for a further quarter-of-an-hour. He had some little success. His action changed the note of the squeak slightly and it dropped an octave or so. Personally, I think it was ageing under its harsh treatment and its voice was breaking. Anyway in again. it did not now lack for company, because a new sound, like a corncrake with hay fever, had developed near the off wing. I looked and listened with interest. Percival, after offering to borrow a stethoscope and then having to explain at length that he was merely being funny, became bored and began to whistle between his teeth. The man, now thoroughly on his mettle, plunged all over the car with every tool he could find. The result was the addition of a surging sound when the engine was started up and a monotonous rattle like a badly-fitting skeleton from the region of the tappets. We drove off. The man was quite "SITUATIONS WANTED. Nurse-housekeeper, companion, 35; capable; will travel. Reg. post."-Evening Paper. This made the man quite angry; nor | Do they take parcels as heavy as that? I DON'T MIND SPLASHIN' A BIT." Villager. "I'EAR AS 'OW YOU'VE BOUGHT POULTRY FARM UP AT BOTTOM END. DO YER WANT TO SELL ANY OF THEM 'EN-'OUSES?" Newcomer. "GOOD HEAVENS, NO! THEY'RE BRAND-NEW-ONLY JUST BOUGHT 'EM." Villager. "AH, WELL, I BOUGHT SOME STUFF WHEN THE TWO LOTS OF FOLK A3 'AD THE FARM AFORE YOU WENT BUST; AND I CAN WAIT." HORTICULTURE WITHOUT TEARS. [Hats trimmed with real vegetables are mentioned among the current fashions.] GOOD wife, when many hours I spent In tilling our demesne, Nor murmured when I underwent No blossoms such as others laud Is hardly aimed so high), When every joint of ours could boast Where ramblers of a crimson tint Might grace another's plot We'd watch the scarlet-runner sprint Its way towards the pot, And, urged by mingled shower and shine, For us there should prevail The cabbage and the cauliflower, The carrot and the kail. To carry out this worthy aim In place of all that I had planned I have not toiled in vain. The Old Irish Touch. C.O. (to battalion). On board with you, men, and get comfortably settled From a Dublin correspondent's de- down, two to a cabin. (The battalion scription of the opening of the Dail:-gets on board singing "Heart of Oak.") "There was not a single absentee in the House."-Daily Paper. The passage made me think of The Family Herald Supplement' of years gone by and of those naive tales in which the parliamaid married the earl's son." Evening Paper. Nowadays, of course, the "parliamaid" would go for the Commons rather than the Lords. When does the ship leave? E.S.O. Oh, as soon as you are ready, Sir. I suggest in about two minutes' time. C.O. Very good. (To Adjutant) Captain Tomkins, how splendidly the men have behaved! 'Pon my word it makes one- (gulps). Omnes (f). Good-bye. Good-bye. [Business with handkerchiefs and Act I. SCENE-Southbury Docks. TIME-4 A.M. E.S.O. Hullo, hullo... No, I haven't finished. I haven't got anybody yet. Hullo [Goes to sleep at the telephone. Enter troop train quietly. The troops, who have been travelling all night from the next station but one, are all asleep. It is soon 5 A.M. Great business with dockyard hooters (f). The troops continue to sleep. The engine-driver, who is due back at the next station but one in a few hours, starts to whistle and shunt. The troops, violently awakened, think that there has been a railway accident and start to detrain. (See Field Service Regulations: Initiative.) The Regimental SergeantMajor puts half the battalion in arrest for leaving the train without orders. Tableau. Act II. It is 9 A.M. The Commanding Officer has signed fourteen parade states, thirty-two strength returns, eight bills of lading and five demurrage certifi cates, all in triplicate. The battalion has had its breakfast and is undressing on the platform preparatory to carrying itself on board. Act III. It is 12 noon. The battalion is still carrying. The Commanding Officer has gone on board to replenish his fountain-pen with ship's ink. The Adjutant is listening to several people talking at once. WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET. ... Please Sir would you go and tub and they got here first don't forget see the Purser I'll send two more pairs the tooth-powder is- (All sounds as soon as they are darned Oh only are drowned by the ship's hooter (fff). a few details such as the age of the Alarums and excursions. The carrying regimental mascot you're wanted on is completed at the double.) No I the telephone and remember the mark- haven't got your camp-bed but I'll ing-ink is inside the bedroom slippers write twice a week yes promise then outside the docks and second on the tell him he can't have it no not there right but 200 men can't sleep in 20 you prize ass dam these doorways why hammocks however much you squash can't they make them higher stop that them up I tell you there aren't any infernal mouth-organ how can any- a Officers' cabins left because four lungspecialists seven atheists and thirteen financial advisers are all going by this A military term meaning to divest oneself of one's sun-helmet, gas-helmet, steelhelmet, kit-bag, equipment, arms, concertinas and other essential makeweights for which the only transport provided is oneself. one [Encore by the hooter and loud checr- Headline to a report of the theft of mackintosh from a restaurant:— "EATS AND LOSES COAT." Canadian Paper. You cannot have your coat and eat it too. "Wanted, General; willing to assist bar evenings; no uniform."-Provincia! Paper. We know a few distinguished officers who might consent to assist in mufti. And I wonder where Harringay is? Greyhound, greyhound, running there What immortal hand and eye So many fat, red-faced men in so many squashy hats. One two! Nine four! Six one! But they might be elephants. What was the first kind of dog that man ever trained? The watch-dog or the hunting-dog? "Representations on Egyptian monuments," said Professor Mumble, "prove the existence of a greyhound race of dogs at least three thousand years ago.' One two! Nine four! Six one! A most infernal noise. QUEEN ELIZABETH (he went on) is said to have witnessed on one occasion the pulling down of sixteen bucks by greyhounds. She would. But the hare was mumping her parsley, and Henry watched it for a while. That made Mr. Fairchild angry, because he ought to have been learning his Latin. Lepus, a hare. "The old English greyhound," continued Professor Mumble, "was only allowed to be kept by the nobles and princes, and the killing of it was under the old game-laws a felony punishable by death." It is the only dog that hunts by sight alone. Or could it hunt by sound? Run round the track, then, and make a noise like an electric hare. But what happens in the third generation? They would probably go for an L.C.C. tram. "The old English greyhound is now used by the police for hunting down electric trams which exceed the speedlimit over Westminster Bridge." But what made you bet on Lady, Be Good? Professor Mumble says that the speed is not inferior to that of a racehorse. And the sagacity? Oh, far more. Only sometimes they stop and quarrel. That is why Aunt Isabel says she would rather play roulette. Numbers, she says, don't bite. But the favourites do win quite often, my dear. And when you say this is a pleasureloving age you are totally wrong. I know a man who paid off his instalment on The Encyclopædia Britannica by a long-odds wager on Deposit Account. Batley his name was. How long does a greyhound keep its form? And how long does a hare? Her beautiful hounds are dead, "England," said the clever cynic, "is becoming a nation that lives by taking each other's bets." Have you seen the slow-motion film of a greyhound race, and the quickmotion picture of two tortoises crawling after a piece of lettuce? No, nor have I. they can sit comfortably in a tavern and eat jugged hare." With port-wine sauce. But CHARLES LAMB's favourite pun is spoilt. Is that a real hare or a White City one? Not the slightest use. They say that witches are turned into hares. Electrical warlocks on Walpurgis Night. You must shoot them with a silver bullet, which stops the dynamo. There is no NAT GOULD yet of the dog-racing world. Difficult, doubtless. But the bad man might dope his dog, and get bitten. afterwards, and have hydrophobia in front of the judge's box. "Victorian Antimacassar knew what depended on the race. Standing on his hind legs, he licked the velvet muzzle of the golden-haired girl." Brindled, black and fawn. Fat hands overflowing with Treasury notes. One two! Nine four! Six one! I know now what it was. I should like to see rogue elephants, racing from a trap, after a lorry loaded with sugarcane. Trumpeting. Terrible. And who would be driving the lorry? |