Loo. Does a duck swim? Bull. Whom have you lived with? Loo. I'lived with the Mactwolters nineteen years, and then they turned me off. Bull. The Mactwolters! Why did they turn you off? Bull. That's an awkward way of discharging a servant. Who were they? Loo. My own beautiful father and most beautiful mother. They died of a whiskey fever, and left myself, Looney Mactwolter, heir to their estate. Bull. They had an estate, it seems. Loo. Yes; they had a pig. Bull. Umph! But they died, you say, when you were nineteen. What have you been doing ever since? Loo. I'm a physicianer. Bull. A physician, is it, you mean? Bull. And what brought you here? Loo. Hay-making. I've a fork below; hire me, then I'll have a knife to it, and prettily I'll toss about your beef, Mr. Bull ! Bull. I don't doubt you. This fellow would make the steaks disappear, with a vengeance! What can you do as a footman ? Can you clean plate? Loo. Clean a plate! Botheration, man! would you hire me for your kitchen-maid? I can dirty a plate with any body in the parish. Bull. Do you think, now, Looney, you could contrive to beat a coat? Loo. Faith, can I, in the Connaught fashion. Bull. How's that? Loo. With a man in it. Och! Let me alone for dusting your ould jacket, Mr. Bull! Bull. Confound this fellow, I say! Loo. Be aisy, and I'll warrant we'll agree. ax, and we'll never tumble out about the wages. sir. Reënter THOMAS, L. Give me what I Thomas. Here's another man come after the place, I believe, You'll Bull. Another man! Let me see him. (Exit THOMAS, L.) Loo. Faith, now, you'll bother yourself betwixt us. be like a cat in a tripe-shop, and not know where to choose. SEEKING SERVICE. Enter JOHN LUMP, L. Lump. Be you Mr. Bull, zur? Bull. Yes; I am the Deputy. 257 Lump. O if you are nothing but the deputy, I'll bide here till I see Mr. Bull himself. Bull. Blockhead! I am himself— Mr. Deputy Bull. Loo. Arrah! can't you see, man, that this ugly ould gentleman is himself? - Bull. Hold your tongue, Mr. Looney Mactwolter! What's your name? Lump. John. Bull. John what? Lump. No; not John What, but John Lump. Bull. And what do you want, John Lump? Lump. Why, I'se come here, zur-but as we be upon a bit o' business, I'll let you hear the long and short on 't. (Drawing a chair and sitting down.) I'se comed here, zur, to hire myself for your sarvant. Bull. Ah! but you don't expect, I perceive, to have any standing wages. Loo. (Drawing a chair and sitting down.) Aren't you a pretty spalpeen, now, to squat yourself down there in the presence of Mr. Deputy Bull ? Bull. Now, here's a couple of scoundrels! Loo. Don't be in a passion with him. Mind how I'll larn him politeness! Bull. Get up directly, you villain, or Loo. Not before Mr. Lump. See how I'll give him the polish. Bull. If you don't get up directly, I'll squeeze your heads together like two figs in a jar! Lump. (Rising.) O, then, it be unmannerly for a footman to rest himself, I suppose! Loo. (Rising.) To be sure it is; no servant has the bad manners to sit before his master, but the coachman. Lump. I ax your pardon, zur; I 'se but a poor Yorkshire lad, traveled up from Doncaster Races; I'se simple, but I 'se willing to learn. Bull. Simple and willing to learn? Two qualities, Master Lump, which will answer my purpose. (LUMP stands back.) Loo. Mind what you're after going to do, Mr. Deputy Bull! If you hire this fellow from the Donkey Races, when Looney Mactwolter is at your elbow, I'll make free to say, you're making a complete Judy of yourself. Bull. You do make free, with a vengeance! Now, I'll make free to say, get out of my house, you impudent cow-doctor! Loo. You're no scholard, or you'd larn how to bemean yourself to a physicianer. Arrah! Is n't a cow-doctor as good as you, you ould figman? Bull. Old figman! This rascal, too, quizzing my origin! Get down stairs, or Loo. Don't come over me with the pride of your staircase, for had n't my father a comfortable ladder to go up and down stairs with? Take Mr. Lump into your dirty sarvice, and next time I'm after meeting him, I'll thump Mr. Lump, or Mr. Lump shall thump Mr. Leoney Mactwolter! (Exit, L. Exeunt BULL and LUMP, R Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER, L., with pistols, followed by ACRES. Acres. (L.) By my valor, then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds levels and aims! I say it is a good dis tance. Sir Lucius. (R.) Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me. Stay, now I'll show you. (Measures paces along the floor.) There, now, that is a very pretty distance a pretty gentleman's distance. Acr. (R.) Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the further he is off, the cooler I shall tako my aim. Sir L. (L.) Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight! Acr. No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-andthirty yards Sir L. Pooh! pooh! nonsense! Three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile. Acr. Odds bullets, no!-by my valor! there is no merit in killing him so near! Do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot: :-a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me! Sir L. Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that. But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you? Acr. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius-but I don't understand *Seo page 233. Sir L. Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk; and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quie'tus with it-I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters. Acr. A quietus! Sir L. For instance, now if that should be the casewould you choose to be pickled and sent home? or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey?—I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey. Acr. Pickled!-Snug lying in the Abbey ! - Odds tremors ! Sir Lucius, don't talk so! Sir L. I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before. Acr. No, Sir Lucius, never before. Sir L. Ah! that's a pity!-there's nothing like being used to a thing. Pray, now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot? Aer. Odds files! I've practiced that - there, Sir Lucius -there. (Puts himself in an attitude.) A side front, hey? I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways. Sir L. Now you 're quite out-for if you stand so when I take my aim- (Leveling at him.) Acr. Zounds! Sir Lucius Sir L. Never fear. are you sure it is not cocked? Acr. But- but· - you don't know—it may go off of its own head! Sir L. Pooh! be easy. Well, now, if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance; for, if it misses a vital part of your right side, 't will be very hard if it don't succeed on the left. Acr. A vital part! Sir L. But, there, fix yourself so - (placing him) — let him see the broadside of your full front; there, now, a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all. Acr. Clean through me! a ball or two clean through me! Sir L. Ay, may they; and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain. Acr. Look'ee, Sir Lucius! I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valor! I will stand edgeways. Sir L. (Looking at his watch.) Sure, they don't mean to disappoint us. Ila! no, faith; I think I see them coming. (Crosses to R.) Acr. (L.) Hey! -what! -coming! Sir L. Ay. Who are those yonder, getting over the stile? Acr. There are two of them, indeed! Well let them come -hey, Sir Lucius! we-we-we-we-won't run! Sir L. Run! Acr. No, -I say, we won't run, by my valor! Sir L. What's the matter with you? Acr. Nothing nothing my dear friend my dear Sir Lucius! but I-I-I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did. Sir L. 0, fy! Consider your honor. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honor. Sir L. Well, here they 're coming. (Looking R.) Acr. Sir Lucius, if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was afraid! If my valor should leave me !-Valor will come and go. Sir L. Then pray keep it fast while you have it. Acr. Sir Lucius, I doubt it is going! yes-my valor is certainly going! it is sneaking off! I feel it oozing out, as it were, at the palms of my hands! Sir L. Your honor! your honor! Here they are. Acr. O, mercy! now that I was safe at Clod Hall! or could be shot before I was aware! (SIR LUCIUS takes Acres by the arm, and leads him reluctantly off, R.) SHERIDAN. XXVII.—THE IMAGINARY SICK MAN. Enter BURLY, L., and SERVANT, R. Burly. Can I see your master? Servant. Master can't see any body, sir, except a doctor. Ser. Why, you see, ever since he had that large fortune left him, master has a fancy that he has all sorts of complaints onhim, and that he is n't long for this world. Bur. Poor Fidget! Has such been the effect of his good fortune? Well, tell him that an old friend whom he hasn't seen for ten years wishes to see him. Ser. It's no use, sir. Unless you be a doctor of some sort, he 'll shut the door on you. Bur. (Aside.) A doctor of some sort! Let me see. I surely am a sort of a doctor. Didn't I physic Prince Sackatoo, the black steward on board the Thunder Cloud, for an attack of colic? And have n't I a vial of nux vom'ica, that my good aunt gave mo? To be sure I am a sort of a doctor! Aloud.) Tell |