66 "You'll'ave to take things more ser- "Grr,' says Maggie, no likin' their THE HEART OF THE PEOPLE. ious," burst in the mangle proprietor; flat keps nane. THE last tram is still a genial tram."you 've got a stake in the country "Weel, matters had got tae whit the If not so alcoholic as in the old days, now. 'Ere you are a 'ardworking papers ca' a deeplomatic impasse when people still burst into jocund reminis- woman." wee Geordie Barr, the drummer, wha cences of songs they have heard at "I wish my 'usband could 'ear you could imitate the Sairgeant-Major tae Second houses," and wonder loudly call me a 'ardworking woman. He'd the life, whispered, 'See 'em aff, Maggie.' how the heroine will get out of episode set about you. If you'd stop pinching "Efter that it wis jist like the picthirteen at the pictures. mangles and leave respectable ladies turs. Roond the tents went the twa alone in tramcars you'd be better liked. o' them,wi' Maggie ahint them, growlin' I'm going to vote against all of 'em. tae fair pit the wind up ye; then across 'Ere, young woman, next stop for me. the parade grun' slap bang intae the And none of your ringing on before I officers' mess. get down with this photograph. It'll be a county court job if you smash it. I'm going to vote against all of 'em, and down with the Zepps and boil the Germans." This night an elderly lady with a very large framed photograph of a soldier sat opposite to me. A gentleman who bore unmistakable signs of being in the wholesale whitewash business remarked genially, "Mother, I'll lay a bob 'e got the Victoria Cross." Not 'im," said Mother. "'E was called up two months back. I 'ad 'im enlarged, thinking 'e 'd be going to the Front and wishing to be on the safe side. I've chucked away thirteen-anda-tanner on 'im. Victoria Cross! All 'e's got is roomatism." The wholesale dealer in whitewash, having satisfied a legitimate curiosity, turned to me and, placing an amiable hand on my knee, said, 'Ello, Boss, this election's a puzzler, ain't it? Once it was jus' reds and blues. Now it's all colours, not counting females. 'Ow would you vote?" "Coalition," I said. "You're backing a winner this time," returned the whitewash - merchant. "Ole Coalition 'll romp 'ome. The worst is there's three 'osses from the stable runnin' 'ere. They 're all for Coalition. I don't know which to back." "Not for me," replied the lady. always said that if I vote it'll be them as boils the Germans." "I for car The general sentiment of the seemed to approve the boiling of the Germans, but found it unfeasible. "'Ow can we boil the Germans, Mother, if we've made peace with 'em?" protested the whitewasher. "My 'usband's a soldier of the KING. 'E ain't a Conscientious Objector, charging double prices for everything." "I ain't a Conscientious Objector," retorted Whitewash; "I got no conscientious objections to nothing." A gentleman who carried a mangleroller on each knee as if they were children broke in, "You vote Labour, Mother. It's time we got a bit of our own back out of the toffs." "I wouldn't give 'arf-a-pound o' marge for all the Governments that ever 'as been or ever will be thought on," said Mother. "I'm going to the poll, I am, and I'm going to vote against all of 'em." "It ain't allowed," protested the whitewasher. "If everybody voted against everyone what'd be the use of 'aving elections?" "Well, what's the use of 'aving'em?" "'Ot stuff," said the whitewasher, wiping his forehead. "She don't understand the solidarity of Labour," returned the mangle-owner; "but 'er 'usband 'll make 'er vote right." "Mark my words," declared the "Terminus!" called the conductress. THE MASCOT'S DOWNFALL. Noo Maggie-that 's the dog-had peculiar tastes in dress. If ye wore the kilt ye were richt as rain; even if ye wore troosers ye wad pass as long as ye had on the glengairry. But Heaven help ye if ye wore a flat kep; ye were fair fur it. Of course whit happened then we couldna see, but yin o' the Mess waiters tell't us next day that the Brigadier and his Brigade-Major had tae stand on the Mess table wi' the battalion officers haudin' on tae Maggie till the Sairgeant-Major cam' across tae call her off. "Needless tae say Maggie's popularity rose tae unprecedented hichts, for moonlicht raids by the Staff wis at a discoont for some time tae come. The band a', said that mair than half the glory belongit tae wee Geordie Barr for his prompt an' soldier-like action; but Geordie himsel' didna seem sae anxious tae claim it.. "A fortnicht efter there wis a Brigade Church parade tae be held in the open-air. Of course Maggie wis present, glancin' aroond an' pullin' at the lead, jist bung fu' o' pride an' vanity. "Efter we were drawn up the Brigadier entered wi' the customary flourish o' trumpets. "A' at yince he saw Maggie standin' in front of the battalion wi' her tongue oot, lauchin' like. "The auld man edged roond ahint the drums an' took up a strateegic poseetion aside the Padre. "Kindly have that dog removed,' says he tae oor Colonel in his best orderly-room manner. "Weel, d'ye ken, as sune's he spoke, Maggie stopped lauchin' and looked at him peetiously. Then aff the paradegrun' she wis led wi' her heid doon an' her tail atween her legs as if she wis ashamed o' a' the folk seein' her "At this time we had an auld Brigadoonfa'. dier, a terrible haun' fur stalkin' roon' "A week efter she wis found deid. aboot the camp efter lichts oot, seekin' Some o' the lads blamet the Doctor for whit he micht devoor. Oor tent wis pisenin' her, him bein' aye in the danawa at the fit o' the lines; an' the auld ger zone so tae speak, through wearin' man used tae come past oor way, which a flat kep. But maist o' us is sure tae meant us daein' some quick-change this day that she perished o' a broken acts wi' the candle whiles. hert. "Ae nicht we heard him an' his "Guid dog,' says the Brigadier. Ay, an' there's a moral tae that story. Niver fecht the heid yins in the Airmy yersel'; get some ither body tae dae 't instead." The Long Arm of Coalition. "Soldiers away on service are stabbed in the back in their absence."-Daily News. Officer (to club head-waiter, for whom he has rung). "OH, JENKINS, WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO THE REST OF MR. JONES'S STORY FOR ME? I HAVE TO GET BACK TO FRANCE." PERSONAL. "I SUPPOSE it does work sometimes or people wouldn't try it on," I said, looking up from the advertisement columns of The Brain-Wave. "What do you suppose works?" asked Ernest. "This kind of thing: To Philanthropists and other Patriots. Lady, well-connected, needs fifty pounds urgently.'" "Why? Are you thinking of trying it?" "Wouldn't homely' be a better so romantic. And I inserted in The I rose and surveyed myself in the thanks for kind present.-OFFICER OF glass. "These things are a matter of opinion," I said. "But I would rather err on the side of modesty. Homelyfaced,' do you think? Or perhaps of homely appearance.' The advertisement as finally inserted ran, "Young officer, of homely appearance and not ill-connected, would be glad of loan of motor-car, or cash to hire one, during disablement.--Box No. 000, The Brain-Wave." It didn't strike me at the time that, after paying The Brain-Wave's fee for the insertion of this acknowledgment, I was three-and-sixpence out of pocket on balance; but when Ernest asked for his five shillings for the bet I saw that my enterprise had been rather expensive. Thinking it over since, I have wondered whether Ernest could possibly have been in collusion with my Lady Bountiful. But I prefer to be "I am," I said. "I badly need a car to get about in while I'm lame. To say that I eagerly awaited the lieve that somewhere "Sympathiser" Why shouldn't somebody lend me one?" result would be an exaggeration. In is dwelling lovingly upon the thought "You're not well-connected, are fact I was so doubtful of extracting any of me, and that my total deficit of you?" said Ernest. response from a callous public that I eight-and-sixpence has been well lost. bet Ernest five shillings that I wouldn't get an answer at all. "One of my aunts married a man whose fourth cousin-but I've told you that before, I think. . However, I needn't say I'm well-connected; I can say, 'not ill-connected.' My advertisement shall be perfectly candid." "They don't have portraits on the outside sheet of The Brain-Wave, do they?" said Ernest. But I did; I got just one. It was in a feminine handwriting, and ran: "I enclose two-and-sixpence towards your motoring expenses, for I feel that no sacrifice is too great for our brave soldiers. Will you please acknowledge in the Personal Column of The Brain The Surrender of the Hun Fleet. "The King of Prussia's promise of a demoncratic franchise must be fulfilled quickly and completely."-Natal Mercury. Pandemonium should be a pleasant I was awfully bucked at this; it seemed change after Pan-Germanism. "I must be content with saying, Wave?-SYMPATHISER." 'handsome young officer.'" WITH THE AUXILIARY PATROL. THE Surgeon-Probationer was very young indeed, and our trawler was his first ship; but if he lacked the sagacity of experience he fully made up for it by his great enthusiasm. He had an eager look. "I don't like it," said the Second Engineer. "I'd feel ever so much happier if that case o' knives and forks he makes such a fuss about was washed overboard some night. I should sleep easier." It so chanced that just at this time there was an unprecedented epidemic of good health among the trawler crews in our area. In the course of a fortnight we had only one call for medical assistance -a suspected outbreak of measles; but even this they had succeeded in checking at its source before we arrived on the scene. The ship's dog had been getting into bad company ashore, but a timely application of insecticide prevented any further spread of infection. It almost seemed as though people refrained from going sick on purpose. All this was a bitter disappointment to the SurgeonProbationer. He would scan our faces anxiously each morning, but we couldn't summon up a symptom between us. When the third hand hit his thumb with a handspike the Lieutenant and the Skipper had to exercise considerable tact to prevent the S.-P. from amputating it on the spot; but Joe was let off finally with an antiseptic bandage and a stiff dose of quinine. I feel mighty queer, Sir," Bill confessed; though something was a-goin' to happen to me." Ah," breathed the S.-P., "I feared as much. Where does it seem to catch you the most?" Mr. WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN (to Master WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN). "OUR FUTURE IS ON THE ZEE." The real trouble began when old Bill, the Mate, refused a third helping of the steward's plumduff at Sunday dinner-time. I remember seeing the look that came over the gunner's face one day when a German submarine came to the surface within a hundred yards of us. The S.-P.'s expression reminded me of it somehow. "Are you feeling unwell, Bill?" he asked sharply. "Eh, me? Bless you, Sir, I'm champion," replied Bill hastily. "'Ere, steward, pass me over the rest o' that duff, quick.' 46 "Wait," commanded the S.-P. He regarded Bill earnestly and leaned across the table to press down the under-lid of his left eye. "You're looking pale; sure you feel quite yourself-no lassitude or disinclination to work?" Bill, a stalwart sailorman weighing well over sixteen. stones and bearded like a pard, passed his hand nervously over his anatomy. ." No, Sir, I think I'm all right," he said. "Let me look at your tongue," ordered the S.-P. Bill a little shyly exhibited the member in request. "Oh, wot an 'orrible sight!" exclaimed the Second. out of his voice; "it's the chance, Bill." "Can't say exactly, Sir," replied Bill miserably, "but I feel empty, like as if I'd been scuttled a'most. Can you do anything for me, Sir?" The Surgeon-Probationer took his coat off and, after a quarter of an hour's whirlwind fighting, made his diagnosis. It was either nervous breakdown or appendicitis; he leaned rather to the latter view as offering the greater scope for surgical skill. Bill, reduced to a mental and physical wreck, was tucked up in his bunk and made to drink evil-looking concoctions. from the medicine chest. The Second Engineer said he wouldn't give ninepence for the Mate's chance of seeing another breakfast served. But Bill was still with us when Monday morning dawned, though he had weakened palpably during the night and had given up all hope of recovery. "I'm afraid it'll mean an operation," said the S.-P., trying to keep the eagerness knife or nothing-your one "Oh, oh!" groaned Bill, burying his face in the blankets. The cabin was rigged as an operating theatre, and the Mate was lifted tenderly from his bunk and laid on the table. The crew crowded round to shake his hand and say good-bye. "Tell 'em ashore as I went down with flags flying," said Bill faintly. "Good-bye, Second; I forgive you all your evil goin's on and hope you won't be punished for 'em as they deserves. Good-bye, Joe; don't forget to oil the winch when I'm gone West." Any last request, Bill?" asked the Skipper. "Yes, Skips; see that there's no splinters in the plank when you drop me astern; an' if the 'Uns comes out, boys, g-give 'em 'ell." Then, while the S.-P. was poising his knife for the fatal stroke, I burst into the cabin, waving a signal-pad above my head. The news of the armistice had just come through from the base. |