The one seated (reading newspaper of January 29th). "20,000 GERMANS FALLEN IN ATTEMPT AT COUP-DE-MAIN.' CAN YER SEE IT? C-O-U-P., D-E., M-A-I-N. STICK A UNION JACK IN THERE." singularly high-strung, not to say jerky, race, the women especially betraying their emotions with a primitive absence of self-control. There, the pleasure of the chase has become a delirious orgy, though much valuable time is lost both by pursuers and pursued, owing to an inveterate habit of stopping and leaping high at intervals. Squinting is a not uncommon affliction, as is also abnormal stoutness, the latter, however, being always combined with a surprising agility. In personal encounters, which are by no means uncommon, it is considered not only legitimate but laudable to kick the adversary whenever he turns his back, and also to spring at him, encircle his waist with your legs, and bite his ear. The local police are all either overgrown or undersized, and have been carefully trained to fall over one another at about every five yards. As guardians of the peace, however, I prefer our own force. FLEET VISIONS SEEN THROUGH GERMAN EYES. [A number of curious facts about the British Army, lately gathered from German sources, may be supplemented by some further information of interest bearing on our Fleet.] THE facts may be obscured for purposes of recruiting, but it remains true that British seamen are no better than serfs. Their officers have the most complete proprietorship in their persons and can do with them what they like, as in the case of the English captain who had a favourite shark, which followed his ship, and to which he threw an A.B. each morning. That their slavery is acknowledged by the men is shown by their custom of referring to the Captain as "The Owner." The savagery of the British Navy has passed into a by-word, and the bluejackets popularly go by the name of I could not have written even so brief an account as this unless I had paid many visits to Cinemaland. If I am Jack Tartars. spared I fully expect to pay many more. The truth is that I cannot keep away from the country. Why, I can't ex- It is all very well for America to protest her neutrality plain, but I fancy it is because it is so absolutely unlike any to Berlin, but how can we ignore the fact that President other country with which I happen to be familiar. F. A. WILSON actually has a seat on the board of the British Admiralty-where he is known as "Tug" WILSON. He is even the author of a work aimed deliberately at us, and entitled Der Tug. "The practice of compulsorily enrolling men for defence against invasion can be traced from before the time of Alfred the Great, It was found, however, that men who had enlisted in The superstitions of ignorant British seamen, notably the Horse Marines, whose credulity has no parallel, is extraordinary. Mascots are carried on all ships. For instance, SELECT CONVERSATIONS. (At about three o'clock in the morning.) AT THE WAR OFFICE. Myself. I want to see Lord KITCHENER, please. Policeman. Quite impossible, Sir. Myself (coldly handing card). I don't think you realise who I am. Policeman (much impressed). This way, Sir. [I ascend the secret staircase, pat the bloodhounds chained outside the sanctum, and enter. Kitchener (sternly). Good morning; what can I do for you? Myself (simply). I have come to offer my services to the War Office. Kitchener. Have you had any previous military experience? Myself. None at all, Sir. Kitchener (warmly). Excellent. The You will bring very man we want. an absolutely fresh and unbiassed mind to the problem before us. Sit down. (I sit down.) You have a plan for defeating the Germans? Quite So. Now er roughly, what would your idea be?· Myself (waving arm). Roughly, Sir, a broad sweeping movement. d'appui... No, it has gone again. actual- French. Marvellous! Myself (modestly). Of course it's only French. My dear Major, you have saved Europe. Joffre (unpinning medal from his stable's badge, General. I shall be [I can only suppose that at this AT POTSDAM. Kaiser. An Englishman! Kitchener (replacing ink-pot and getting to work with the blotting-in man or horse! paper). Excellent. Myself. The details I should work out later. I think perhaps I had better explain them personally to Sir JOHN FRENCH and General JOFFRE. Kitchener. I agree. You will be attached to Sir JOHN's Staff, with the rank of Major. I shall require you to leave for the Front to-night. Good day, Major. [We salute each other, and the scene changes. AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS. French. Ah, how do you do, Major? We have been waiting for you. Myself. How do you do, Sir? (To JOFFRE, slowly) Comment vous portez vous? Joffre. Thank you; I speak English. Myself (a little disappointed). Good. French. Now then, Major, let us hear your plan. Myself. Well, roughly it is a broad sweeping move I beg your pardon, Sir! Joffre (with native politeness). Not at all, Monsieur. Myself (stepping back so as to have more room)-a broad sweeping movement. More particularly my idea is [It is a curious thing, but I can never remember the rest of this speech when I wake up. I know it disclosed a very masterly piece of tactics... the Myself. One moment. Let me tell you what is about to happen. On my Kaiser (going pale). We are undone. Myself. My own, your Majesty. Kaiser (eagerly). Would an Iron Cross and a Barony tempt you to join us? Only a brain like yours could defeat such a movement. Myself (with dignity). As a Major and a gentleman Kaiser. Enough. I feared it was useless. (Gloomily) We surrender. A Certain Person. Your country can never sufficiently reward you, Major, but we must do what we can. I confer on you the V.C., the D.S.O., the M.V.O., the P.T.O. and the P. and O. The payment of a special grant of £5,000 a year for life will be proposed in the House to-morrow. Myself. Thank you, Sir. As for the grant, I shall value it more for the Did you say five thousand, [At this point I realise with horror that I have only a very short vest on, and with a great effort I wake . . . The papers seem very dull at breakfast.] A. A. M. THE SOLDIER'S ENGLAND. And seemed to be the place to fit That and a yearly glimpse of mountain blue, A book or two. A bigger England stirs afloat. I see it well in one who's come From where he left his home and boat By Cornish coasts, whose rollers drum Their English music on an English shore Right at his door. And one who's left the North a spell Though mines are narrow and, The one of us who's travelled most Of countries where her word's her A To play the game. Our college chum (my mate these days) Thinks England is a garden where There blooms in English speech and ways, Nurtured in faith and thought we share, fellowship of pride we make our own, And ours alone. And England's all we say, but framed Too big for shallow words to hold. We tell our bit and halt, ashamed, Feeling the things that can't be told; And so we're one and all in camp to-night, And come to fight. "No judgment of recent years has aroused more widespread interest than that of Mr. Justice Bargrave Deane, in which he decided that the Slingsby baby was the son of his mother."-Evening News. Doctor. "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT NOW, AND I HAVE MUCH PLEASURE IN RETURNING YOU THE TWO SOVEREIGNS WHICH I FOUND SIIOT INTO YOU WITH THE PURSE." Sergeant. "THANK YOU, SIR; I DON'T CALL HALF A QUID DEAR FOR DOIN' THAT JOB." Doctor. "I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.". HOW TO DEAL WITH SUBMARINES. ["The Syren and Shipping offers £500 to the captain, officers and crew of the first British merchant vessel which succeeds in sinking a German submarine."-The Times.] In order to assist captains of merchant ships to deal with raiding submarines, a few suggestions and comments, which it is hoped will be helpful, are offered by our Naval Expert. news from German bulletins, whilst possibly be got out of your difficulty by one of our patrol ships. Should all and every one of these expedients be useless, as a forlorn hope you should read aloud the appropriate clauses of the Hague Convention, and at the same time take the names and addresses of the boarding party for future reference. If you are fortunate enough to have on board one of those trained sea lions which have been showing for some years at the music-halls, you need not trouble to practise the subterfuges given If you have an amateur photographer In the absence of a 47 naval gun, above. On the enemy's submarine aboard, let him get going. The paya provision suggested as useful by making her appearance on the starboard ment made by illustrated papers for a writer in The Times, any 13-inch side you should lower your sea lion over pictures that reproduce the sinking of shells that you happen to have on the port side, preferably near the stern, your ship will probably exceed the board might be hoisted over the side, having previously attached to it a bomb disguised as bunches of bananas, and connected with wires to to a battery. dropped on to the offending sub- When the sea lion is close to the submarine. If this does not sink her marine just press the button. Possibly at once, additional bunches should be you will lose your pet, but the general dropped. result should be satisfactory. But before disposing of your shells be sure that your submarine is close alongside. In case she should hold off, let the first mate beckon to her, in a manner as nonchalant as possible, to come closer. When the enemy boards your ship, the captain should endeavour to interest value of the ship, so that in any case your owners will not lose by the deal. But it is always best, where possible, to sink the submarine. From a letter in The Liverpool Echo: Owing to unavoidable circumstances you may not be able to put into practice At a time like this we must be prepared any of these hints. If that be so, when to have our prejudices shattered. When the the enemy comes aboard, work up a whole world has been turned upside down, heated discussion on the origin of the is it fair that women should be left standing War. If skilfully managed, you should still?" draw into the discussion the entire It is a delicate question, and the company of the submarine, with the women must be left to take up their Village Constable (to the. Vicar, who has been hurrying to fetch fire engine). "So YOUR 'OUSE IS AFIRE, IS IT? AH! I'VE BIN A-WATCHIN' THAT LIGHT. DIDN'T EXPECT TO RUN INTO ME, DID YOU? 'Ow'M I TO KNOW YOU BAIN'T SIGNALLIN' TO GERMANY?" So, reluctantly returning to their mid-autumnal grind, Nearly all the boys, on learning Mr. Johnson had resigned, Showed the usual undiscerning acquiescence of their kind. Thus he passed unmourned, unheeded, by nine boys in And as week to week succeeded, bringing Chrit nas near ev'ry ten, again, Quite a miracle was needed to recall him to their ken. And the IIead, rotundo ore, read it out in Hall that night. mine, |