ELEVEN SECONDS. I THE word "schedule" always bothers me; when I see it on an income-tax paper I lose my head. In my confusion I sign my name lavishly. confess to profits from trades, professions, employments and vocations; I reveal the presence of unsuspected gas-works, quarries, salt-springs, alum mines, streams of water, ferries, cemeteries and "other concerns of the like nature within the United Kingdom"; no secret is made of my colonial and foreign possessions. Wherever I see an inviting gap I slip in a few figures. . . Then the assessor looks at my paper and tells me what I ought to give him. 44 She has finished, and she comes into diary. "What about April 15th? I'm the room, trying to look grave. My letter not doing anything then." to the Assessor, "Sir and Friend,-By "But why the 15th?" the beard (if any) of your ancestor, I beseech you- is abandoned, and I turn to her. " She counted eleven. It seemed This year things went worse than much longer now. One twoever. I got some noughts in the wrong three-four place; a whole lot of gaps headed And all the time my brave army was Claim for Relief in Respect of Earned fighting in Flanders, my navy was Income," which I had supplied with sweeping the North Sea, my million particular liberality, went by the board, recruits were growing into soldiers. all because I hadn't noticed in the pre- In Yorkshire my looms were busy, ambulation some foolish date before ARMSTRONG'S were turning out my which any claim must be preferred." guns, Northampton was giving my Those two accidents practically doubled gallant boys their boots. Did an aeromy little tax. . . and then LLOYD plane shoot up into the sky, did a GEORGE went and doubled it again. It submarine dive into the deep, mine began to look as if it would be cheaper was the supporting hand. Was I not to pay income on my income-tax instead a god among men? of the other round. way "Celia," I said, "we 're ruined. Cancel any orders for potted salmon; we shall have to live simply in future.' And I told her just what the taxgatherer had asked for. Ten," said Celia-"eleven. are you thinking about?" What I pitched my letter to the Assessor in the fire. "I've been thinking about my war," I said. "Every shot that was fired while you were counting I paid for; I paid for the food of every soldier and sailor; for the separation allowances of their wives; for hospitals and ambulances and doctors." 'I thought perhaps the KING might like the first few days for himself. Or doesn't he pay income-tax? Anyhow, the 15th is a Thursday, which is a nice day." So we have decided on Thursday, April 15th. Starting at 1.30 (because we want to pay for as much bully beef and jam as possible), for eleven seconds we shall support alone the British Empire . . . And, when those fateful moments are over, then we shall raise a glass in gratitude to the men who have served us so well. "Then I think you might have How much does the war cost an idea. England?" she asked. "Oh, lots. I think it mentioned the exact figures in The Times this morning. They'll be only too glad of my little contribution.” She retired in search of The Times. "Well, let's sce that they are good ones when we're having a victory. We might tell people that the last eleven seconds off the Falkland Islands were ours." "But I hadn't paid then. Anyway, I don't think they begin to use my money till April 5th . . . I say, Celia, let's do our eleven seconds in style. Let's make an occasion of it." Filets de Sol Natal. Aloyau Français à la Loyauté. Silences Assortis de Journalistes en Piou-Pious en Bonbonnière. 9 NASAL SCOUTING. THE MIDDLESEX COUNTY COUNCIL IS REPORTED TO HAVE SENT HALF A TON OF PEPPERMINT DROPS TO THE SOLDIERS OF THE MIDDLESEX THE ENEMY IS HERE SEEN ADAPTING HIMSELF TO THESE NOVEL CONDITIONS. REGIMENT AT THE FRONT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT. FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT. Somewhere in futile for an Englishman to argue with ACTIVE service is like oratory in that one of its biggest ideas is action. Being ostensibly on active service ourselves (2) You aren't allowed to leave a we felt we ought to see a little before We trench; and a man who was allowed to going home; and now we have. Like the and then went to another shouldn't be make no boast about it. we allowed out at all. simple English soldiers we are merely state the fact for what it is worth. You ask, you who lead the sheltered Ife, what we felt like under fire; how you swim from one trench to another; what we ate and drank; and what a bayonet charge is really like. Let me answer your questions one by one. If anyone tells you that our heroes live in trenches like tessellated boudoirs in an atmosphere of sybaritic luxury you might just put him right. Our idea from diagrams in the illustrated Edward had got hold of some such papers. When we reached the crumbling ruins we were to defend, an officer was so impressed by Edward's air of woebegone disgust that he observed brusquely that, in the trenches, comfort was a matter of minor imThis portance. Edward (3) The soldier is not particular about his "tack"-as he calls his food. pulled assurance Bacon and eggs, sausages, chicken, washed down with hot coffee, are good enough for him to fight on. Failing together for the moment; and he had even such humble comestibles he will, just settled down to a placid expectawhen pressed by hunger, open a tin of tion of the evening meal when we bully beef and decide he is not hungry after all. (4) Bayonet charges are getting rather cheap, so we didn't have one. learned that our commissariat had stuck in the mud some miles back. However, as a second officer cheerfully observed, in the trenches food is a matter of minor importance. Edward, who had pinned all his faith on the commissariat, relapsed into a resigned melancholy. (1) We were such a long way under fire that some doubt existed as to whether the Germans were merely trying to We were opposed to the flower of the frighten us, or were engaged in testing new rifles and fired high and in no German army, the KAISER'S beloved particular direction for fear of hitting Prussians. This we were told on our Just as he was making his poor but somebody. We only had one casualty arrival. Next day we learned that a and he wanted to walk across to the prisoner taken turned out to be one of an the KAISER's beloved Bavarians. We ingenious preparations for slumber in a Newly-made Lance-Corporal. "ON THE COMMAND FIX YOU DON'T FIX. BUT WHEN I SEZ BAYNIT WHIPS UN OUT, AN' WOPS UN ON-AN' THERE YOU LETS UN BIDE AWHILE." night. We were it. Edward moaned, not mutinously, you understand, but expressively. The third officer turned on him sharply. "In the trenches," he observed epigrammatically, "sleep is a matter of minor importance." YOU GRAB UN BY THE 'AND, my ears cocked for some time waiting own, so the point did not occur to Edward and I returned at 3 A.M. As he flopped wearily down I heard it. And then I suddenly remembered him murmur judicially : "In trenches. the something I had heard from a dog who Yours expectantly, A SAD DOG. P.S.-Perhaps you had better not trenches soldiers are matters of minor had actually been out at the Front publish this as it rather shows him up, importance." taking care of his regiment. He told and I should not like to think that I Edward never got really fond of the me that Lord KITCHENER had invented had made people lose confidence in a special postcard for the use of soldiers him. out there. They are not allowed to write anything on these cards except their names, but there are several sentences printed on them and the sentences that are not suitable are struck out by the soldiers. My master had evidently found them all unsuitable except the one that said he was quite We take this breathless story of adventure from a Suez Cinema synopsis : "This play is historian & so touching. It is metres. Its subject that was John General, Containing 3rd classes. Its length is 1200 the engineer in a small village the was a simple labour the became very skilful in makingironships. Therefore he became a conduct was extremely good. When he found rich man the had a wife, called Ima. Her A FIELD SERVICE POSTCARD. DEAR Mr. Punch,-Hurrah! I am so excited and my paw shakes so that I have to use my teeth to keep the pen steady. My mistress has received a letter from my master at the Frontat least it isn't a letter but a postcard. well. I know it's from him because she gave Now I readily admit that these postit to me to smell, and I nearly swallowed cards are an excellent idea of Lord himself very rich, the left his wife at all. it in my anxiety to make quite sure. KITCHENER'S, but I do not think that One day he accompagned his wife & rode a I should have got a beating for my he has carried out the scheme as thor-motor car while they were walking, he saw a foolish behaviour, but luckily my mis- oughly as he should. Where would womens, called baron Nellie Dow. At last tress was crying at the time and could be the harm in putting at the end of not see what I was doing. When we the card, Give my love and a bone were both calmer she told me what to "? It would only take up was on the card; and there was nothing one line and would mean such a lot whatever about me! My master mere- to us. I expect the truth is Lord 66 this man was mending an iron ship. It was broken out, the became blind. Baron Nellie Doow. left him at once. But his life came in as an assistant doctor. She was observing him untel he was cured. He found her by him. He know that his wife well & was very sorry about the bad entreatment, that he bad |