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SCENE I.-Windsor. Before PAGE'S House.
Shal. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
Slen. In the county of Gloster, justice of peace, and coram.
Shal. Ay, cousin Slender, and cust-alorum. Sten. Ay, and rato-lorum too; and a gentleman born, Master parson; who writes himself armigero, in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation,-armigero. 11
Shal. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years.
Slen. All his successors gone before him hath done't; and all his ancestors that come after him may they may give the dozen white luces
in their coat.
Shal. It is an old coat.
Evans. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love. Shal. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
Slen. I may quarter, coz.
Evans. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
Evans. Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my penevolence to make atone. ments and compremises between you.
Shal. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. Evans. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got,
and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that.
Evans. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed,-Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!—give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
Shal. Did her grandsire leave her seven hun. dred pound?
Erans. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Shal. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
Evans. Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
Shal. Well, let us sec honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
Evans. Shall I tell you a lic? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I peseech you, pe ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. Knocks.
What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
Evans. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
Page. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow. Shal. Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill-killed. doth good Mistress Page? and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
Page. Sir, I thank you.
Shal. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. 9 Page. Iam glad to see you, good Master Slender. Slen. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
Page. It could not be judged, sir. S'en. You'll not confess, you'll not confess. Shal. That he will not. Tis your fault, 'tis your fault. 'Tis a good dog. Page. A cur, sir.
Shal. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
Evans. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. Shal. He hath wronged me, Master Page. Page. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. Shal. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath; at a word, he hath, believe Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is
Page. We three, to hear it and end it between them.
Evans. Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. 151 Fal. Pistol!
Pist. He hears with ears.
Evans. The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He hears with ear'? Why, it is affectations.
Fal. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
Slen. Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two
shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Fal. Is this true, Pistol?
Evans. No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. Pist. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo :
I will say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the Nym. Be avised, sir, and pass good humours. nut-hook's humour on me; that is the very note
Slen. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not alto
Page. Here comes Sir John. Enter Sir JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, gether an ass.
Fal. "Twere better for you if it were known in counsel you'll be laughed at.
Erans. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. Fal. Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me?
Slen. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
Bard. You Banbury cheese!
Slen. Ay, it is no matter.
Pist. How now, Mephostophilus !
Slen. Ay, it is no matter.
Nym. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! that's my humour.
Slen. Where's Simple, my man? can you tell, cousin? 140 Evans. Peace! I pray you. Now let us understand: there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter,
Fal. What say you, Scarlet and John? Bard. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences. Evans. It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
Bard. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careires. Slen. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Evans. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal. You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
Evans. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
Shal. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
Slen. I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
Slen. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another: I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
Erans. It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in the ort 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning, 'resolutely.' His meaning is good.
Anne. I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
Slen. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
Anne. I pray you, sir, walk in.
bruised my shin th' other day with playing at Slen. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town? talked of. Anne. I think there are, sir; I heard them
Slen. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not? Anne. Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen. That's meat and drink to me, now: I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
Enter Sir HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE. Evans. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Cains' house, which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer. Sim. Well, sir.
Evans. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray
Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host. Thou 'rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap said I well, bully Hector? u Fal. Do so, good mine host.
Host. I have spoke; let him follow. To BARD. Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow. Exit.
Fal. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. Bard. It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive. Exit. 20 Pist. O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Nym. He was gotten in drink; is not the humour conceited?
Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox; his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.
Nym. The good humour is to steal at a minim's
me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious ceilliades: sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly. Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine. Nym. I thank thee for that humour.
Fal. O she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me : they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, so And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all! Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter. I will keep the haviour of reputation.
Fal. To ROBIN. Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly:
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Rogues, hence! avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o'the hoof; seek shelter, pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of the age, French thrift, you rogues: myself and skirted page. Excunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN. 90 Pist. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor. Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk.
Nym. I have operations which be humours of revenge.
Pist. Wilt thou revenge?
Nym. By welkin and her star!
Pist. With wit or steel?
Nym. With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
Nym. My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mien is dangerous: that is my true humour.
Pis. Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on. Exeunt. 111
SCENE IV.-A Room in Doctor CAIUS's House. Enter Mistress QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY.
Quick. What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English. Rug. I'll go watch.
Quick. Go; and we'll have a posset for 't soon at night, i' faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. Exit RUGBY,
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale, nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way, but nobody but has his fault;
but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?
Sim. Ay, for fault of a better.
Quick. And Master Slender 's your master? Sim. Ay, forsooth.
Quick. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover's paring-knife?
Sim. No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
Quick. A softly-sprighted man, is he not? Sim. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head : he hath fought with a warrener.
Quick. How say you? O! I should remember him does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait? 31
Sim. Yes, indeed, does he.
Quick. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish
Rug. Out, alas! here comes my master. Quick. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet.
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet.
He will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John, what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well, that he comes not home. Sings.
And down, down, adown-a, etc.
Enter Doctor CAIUS. Caius. Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
Quick. Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you. Aside. I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man he would have been horn-mad. 5 Caius. Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais à la cour,-la grande affaire.
Quick. Is it this, sir?
Caius. Ouy; mettez le au mon pocket; dépêchez, quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Quick. What, John Rugby! John!
Caius. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to de court.
Rug. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. Caius. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ay j'oublié ? dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. Quick. Ay me! he'll find the young man there, and be mad.
Caius. O diable! diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron! Pulling SIMPLE out.
Rugby, my rapier!
Quick. Good master, be content. Caius. Verefore shall I be content-a? Quick. The young man is an honest man. Caius. Vat shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet. Quick. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh,
Quick. I am glad he is so quiet if he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your master what good I can and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master,-I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself,
Sim. "Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand.
Quick. Are you avised o' that? you shall find it a great charge and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding, to tell you in your ear, I would have no words of it, my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind, that 's neither here nor there.
Caius. You jack'nape, give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I vill cut his troat in de Park; and I vill teach a scurvy jacka-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here: by gar, I vill cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to trow at his dog. Exit SIMPLE. Quick. Alas! he speaks but for his friend.
Caius. It is no matter-a vor dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I vill myself have Anne Page.
Quick. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
Caius. Rugby, come to the court vit me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby. Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY,
Quick. You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
Fent. Within. Who's within there? ho! Quick. Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.