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Bird. God save your grace! Prince. And yours, most noble Bardolph. Bard. To the Page. Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, must you be blushing? wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man-at-arms are you become! Is it such a matter to get a pottle-pot's maidenhead?
Page. A' calls me e'en now, my lord, through a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his fice from the window at last I spied his eyes, and methought he had made two holes in the ale wife's new petticoat, and peeped through. 90 Prince. Hath not the boy profited?
Bard, Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!
Paje. Away, you rascally Althæa's dream,away! Prince. Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy? Page. Marry, my lord, Althea dreamed she was delivered of a firebrand; and therefore I call him her dream.
Prince. A crown's worth of good interpretation. There 'tis, boy. Gives him money. 100 Poins. O! that this good blossom could be kept from cankers. Well, there is sixpence to preserve thee.
Bard. An you do not make him be hanged among you, the gallows shall have wrong.
Prince. And how doth thy master, Pardolph ? Bard. Well, my lord. He heard of your grace's coming to town: there's a letter for you.
Poins. Delivered with good respect. And how doth the martlemas, your master?
Bard. In bodily health, sir.
Poins. Marry, the immortal part needs a physician; but that moves not him: though that be sick, it dies not.
Prince. I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me as my dog; and he holds his place, for look you how he writes.
Poins, John Falstaff, knight,-every man must know that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself; even like those that are kin to the king, for they never prick their finger but they say 'There's some of the king's blood spilt.' 'How comes that?' says he that takes upon him not to conceive. The answer is as ready as a borrower's cap; 'I am the king's poor cousin, sir.'
Prince. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from Japhet. But to the letter:
Poins. Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the king, nearest his father, Harry Prince of Wales, greeting. Why, this is a certificate.
and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins; for he misuses thy favours so much that he swears thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou mayest, and so farewell.
Thine, by yea and no, which is as much as to say, as thou usest him, Jack Falstaff with my familiars, John with my brothers and sisters, and Sir John with all Europe. 142 My lord, I'll steep this letter in sack and make him eat it.
Poins. I will imitate the honourable Romans in brevity: he sure means brevity in breath, shortwinded. I commend me to thee, I commend thee,
Prince. That 's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? must I marry your sister?
Poins. God send the wench no worse fortune! but I never said so.
Prince. Well, thus we play the fools with the time, and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us. Is your master here in London? Bard. Yes, my lord.
Prince. Where sups he? doth the old boar feed in the old frank?
Bard. At the old place, my lord, in Eastcheap. Prince. What company?
Page. Ephesians, my lord, of the old church. Prince. Sup any women with him?
Page. None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly and Mistress Doll Tearsheet.
Prince. What pagan may that be?
Page. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my master's.
Prince. Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the town bull. Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper?
Poins. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you.
Prince. Sirrah, you boy, and Bardolph; no word to your master that I am yet come to town: there's for your silence.
Bard. I have no tongue, sir.
Page. And for mine, sir, I will govern it. Prince. Fare ye well; go.
Exeunt BARDOLPH and Page. This Doll Tearsheet should be some road. Poins. I warrant you, as common as the way between Saint Alban's and London.
Prince. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night in his true colours, and not ourselves be seen?
Poins. Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons, and wait upon him at his table as drawers.
Prince. From a god to a bull! a heavy declension! it was Jove's case. From a prince to a prentice! a low transformation! that shall be mine; for in every thing the purpose must weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned. Exeunt.
Became the accents of the valiant;
In military rules, humours of blood,
O miracle of men! him did you leave,
Lady N. O fly to Scotland, 50 Till that the nobles and the armed commons Have of their puissance made a little taste. Lady P. If they get ground and vantage of the king,
Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,
North. Come, come, go in with me.
As with the tide sweli'd up unto his height,
SCENE IV.-London. A Room in the Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap.
Enter Mistress QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET.
Quick. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much canaries, and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say What's this?' How do you now?
Enter two Drawers.
First Draw. What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns? thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
Second Draw. Mass, thou sayest true. The aud told him there were five more Sir Johns; prince once set a dish of apple-johns before him, and, putting off his hat, said I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights. It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that.
First Draw. Why then, cover, and set them down: and see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some is too hot; they'll come in straight. music. Dispatch: the room where they supped
Second Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word.
First Draw. By the mass, here will be o.d utis: it will be an excellent stratagem. Second Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. Exit.
Doll. Better than I was: hem!
Quick. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Lo! here comes Sir John. Enter FALSTAFF, singing.
Fal. When Arthur first in court.-Empty the jordan. And was a worthy king.
Exit First Drawer.
How now, Mistress Doll!
Quick. Sick of a calm: yea, good sooth.
Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm they are sick.
Doll. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?
Fal. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. Doll. I make them! gluttony and di eases make them; I make them not.
Fal. If the cook help to make the glutton", you help to make the disea-es, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, ny poor virtue, grant that.
Doll. Ay, marry; our chains and our jewels. Fal. Your brooches, pearls, and owches': for "Tis to serve bravely is to come halting off you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely,
Doll. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
Quick. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, in good troth, as rheumatic as
two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
Doll. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him: you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.
Re-enter First Drawer.
First Draw. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you.
Doll. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the foul-mouthedest rogue in England.
Quick. If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here: I have not lived all this while to have swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.
Fal. Dost thou hear, hostess?
Pist. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
Doll. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.
Pist. I know you, Mistress Dorothy. Doll. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, pray you, sir? God's light! with two points on your shoulder? much!
Pist. God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this!
Fal. No more, Pistol: I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
Quick. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
Quick. Pray you, pacify yourself, Sir John: captain, you slave! for what? for tearing a poor there comes no swaggerers here.
Fal. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. Quick. Tilly-fally, Sir John, never tell me : your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the deputy, t' other day; and, as he said to me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, Neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then; "Neighbour Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil; for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name: ' now a' said so, I can tell whereupon; for,' says he, you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive: receive,' says he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none here: you would bless you to hear what he said. No, I'll no swaggerers.
Doll. Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word 'occupy,' which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to't.
Bard. Pray thee, go down, good ancient. 160 Fal. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
Pist. Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph; I could tear her. I'll be revenged of her. Page. Pray thee, go down.
Pist. I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say Have we
I. Down, down, dogs! down, fates! not Hiren here?
Quick. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
Pist. These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses,
And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
Quick. By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words. Bard. Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl anon.
Pist. Die men like dogs! give crowns likepins! Have we not Hiren here?
Quick. O' my word, captain, there's none such
Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou! there. Laying down his sword. Come we to full points here, and are et ceteras nothing?
Fal. Pistol, I would be quiet.
Pist. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif. What! we have seen the seven stars.
Doll. For God's sake, thrust him down stairs! I cannot endure such a fustian arscal.
Pist. Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags? 201
Fal. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shovegroat shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall be nothing here.
Bard. Come, get you down stairs. Pist. What shall we have incision? shall we Snatching up his sword. Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
Quick. Here's goodly stuff toward!
Doll. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. Fal. Get you down stairs. Drawing. Quick. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons; put up your naked weapons.
Exeunt BARDOLPH and PISTOL. Doll. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah! you whoreson little valiant villain,
Quick. Are you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
Fal. Have you turned him out o' doors?
Bard. Yea, sir: the rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i' the shoulder.
Fal. A rascal, to brave me!
Doll. Ah! you sweet little rogue, you! Alas! poor ape, how thou sweatest. Come, let me wipe thy face; come on, you whoreson chops. Ah! rogue, i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemuon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah! villain. 234 Fal. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
Doll. Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost, I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
Page. The music is come, sir.
Fal. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me like quicksilver.
Doll. I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar pig, when wilt thou leave fighting o' days, and foining o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?
Enter behind, the PRINCE and POINS, disguised like Drawers.
Fal. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's head: do not bid me remember mine end.
Doll. Why does the prince love him so, then? Fal. Because their legs are both of a biguess, and a' plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles' ends for flapdragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boot very smooth, like unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits him: for the prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.
Prince. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?
revenge and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat. 320 Prince. You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!
Quick. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by my troth.
Fal. Didst thou hear me?
Prince. Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by Gadshill: you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.
Fal. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.
Prince. I shall drive you then to confess the wilfulabase; and then I know how to handle you. Ful. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse. Prince. Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and bread-chipper and I know not what? Fal. No abuse, Hal. Poins. No abuse!
Fal. No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with him; in which doing I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.
Prince. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us? Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is the boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?
Poins. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
Fal. The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable; and his face is Lucifer's privykitchen, where he doth nothing but roast maltworms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him; but the devil outbids him too.
Prince. For the women?
Fal. For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and whether she be damned for that, I know not.
Quick. No, I warrant you.
Fal. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.
Quick. All victuallers do so: what's a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent? Prince. You, gentlewoman.Doll. What says your grace? Fa'. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against. Knocking within. Quick. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis.
So idly to profane the precious time,
Fal. To the Page. Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my. good wenches, how men of merit are sought after the undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.
SCENE I.- Westminster. A Room in the Palace. Inter King HENRY in his night-gown, with a Page.
K. Hen. Go call the earls of Surrey and of Warwick;
But, ere they come, bid them o'erread these letters,
And well consider of them. Make good speed.
How many thousand of my poorest subjects
Than in the perfum'd chambers of the great,