"Most fools have still an itching to deride, But as this is an eminence which few only can ascend, and which none can occupy long, observation should teach us to moderate our risibility—the muscles of which are frequently excited by causes much less conspicuous than the following:-A certain official character, some years since, in the county of Staffordshire, having an occasion to make out his bill upon the parish, had unfortunately found sixty-three weeks in the year. The tax-gatherer, who was present, laughed immoderately at the blunder; but on producing his bill, an item was discovered, that he had paid a given sum in aid of the county rats! The constable, who was highly diverted at the blunders which both had committed, produced his bill, without any apprehension of sharing in the fate of his neighbours; but, unfortunately, he had charged a specific sum for holding a conquest over the body of a man found dead! A man, who was asked after a friend of his who had been executed lately in the new method before Newgate, replied, "Ah! poor fellow, he died, as many an honest man has before him, by taking a drop too much." A Prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him," he looked like an owl.” "I know not," answered the courtier, "what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the honour to represent your Majesty." Jacob Tonson, the most eminent of his profession as a publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work in which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog, that he who wrote these can write more : "With leering looks, bull-fac'd, and freckled fair, The bookseller felt the force of the description: and, to avoid a completion of the portrait, immediately sent the money. It has been said, that there is no vice, except that of ingratitude, of which some wretch or other has not had the impudence to boast. It, however, sometimes happens, that the appearance of this detestable vanity is introduced where the reality is not, in order to give reproof where it might be suspected that plain language would prove ineffectual. But this, at the very best, is no more than a specious varnish thrown over temporizing morality, to conceal its deformity. We are not justifiable in doing evil, that good may come. Whether the following anecdote may be considered as a branch of triumph, or of reproof, must be left to the determination of our readers.—" Sir," said an inn keeper, one day, to a person who had frequently visited his house, but who had never been famed for his attachment to truth, "You have taken away my character."—" It is impossible," was the reply "I have never mentioned your name: and should be glad to know in what manner I have injured you?"-" Sir," rejoined Boniface, "I do not charge you with having mentioned my name; but before you came hither, I was always considered as the greatest liar in this town." Parson's, the player, going to visit Edwin one day, was told by the maid-servant he was not at home, though he knew he was. A few days after, Edwin went to see Parsons, who hearing his voice, called out, that he was not within.-" Why," said Edwin, "don't I hear your voice?" To which Parsons replied, " You are an impudent fellow; I believed your maid, and you will not believe me." A gentleman has just published a treatise on baking, in which, he says, will be found a hard crust for the critics. Some time since, a country gentleman, at a coffee-house, looking over a newspaper, said to another who sat near him, "I have been endeavouring for some time to see what the Ministry are doing, but not being accustomed to the London prints, I know not where to find these articles." To this, the other archly replied, "You must look among the robberies, sir.” CAN DEAD FISHES SPEAK?-A negro, about to purchase some fish, visited a shop where several were exposed to sale. But suspecting that one, which he had intended to buy, was not altogether so fresh as he could wish, he presumed either to dissipate, or to confirm his suspicions, by applying it to his nose. The fishmonger, conscious that it would not bear much examination, and fearing that other customers might catch the scent, exclaimed, in a surly tone, "How dare you smell to my fish!' "Me no smell to it," replied the black man. "What then were you doing?" "Me only talking to it, massa." "And what were you talking about?" "Me ask him, massa, what the best news at sea." "And what reply did he give you?" "Oh, massa, he says he know no news, as he have not been there these three weeks!" ROYAL MODESTY.-King Charles II. asked Stillingfleet, how it came about, that he always read his sermons before him, when, he was informed, he always preached without a book elsewhere? He told the King, that the awe of so noble an audience, where he saw nothing that was not greatly superior to himself, but chiefly the seeing before him so great and wise a Prince, made him afraid to trust himself. With which answer the King was very well contented. "But pray," says Stillingfleet, "will your Majesty give me leave to ask you a question, Why you read your speeches, when you can have none of the same reasons?" Why, truly, døctor," says the King," your question is a very 66 pertinent one, and so will be my answer. I have asked them so often, and for so much money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face." A bride-maid found the ring in the chamber after the wedding night, the posey, cui dedit, se dedit, that is, "He gave it to her who gave herself." The Abigail, at a loss for the sense, gave it to the nurse, who translated it-" He did it, and she did it!" PERLET THE FRENCH COMMEDIAN.-About two years ago, a Vaudeville, called "Le Comedien d' Etampes," was announced for representation at Paris, in which Perlot was to perform the character of an English lady, and to sing a song, grossly reflecting on the English nation. To do this, Perlet peremptorily refused, alleging, that he had been kindly, hospitably, and liberally treated by the English, and that he never would have the baseness to repay them with ingratitude. The managers insisted. Perlet was firm. The police was applied to, as is the custom. He was imprisoned-continued inexorable-and finally triumphed. The author substituted, in the original words, the ballad of "Auld Lang Syne," for the intended lampoon. This independent conduct of Perlet did not injure him, either with the managers or the public. He is so popular, that the sum of 40,000 francs per annum, has been offered him lately by the proprietors of the Vaudeville; in France an immense sum.' When Cromwell, Earl of Essex, the son of a blacksmith, was twitted on the obscurity of his birth by a Duke, he replied—“ My Lord Duke, you boast of your ancestry-my posterity will boast of me." HENRY IV. OF FRANCE.-A daring satirist, having published some severe reflections on the French court, Henry IV. was desired by some of his courtiers, who smarted beneath the castigation, to punish him with the most unrelenting rigour. "It would be against my conscience," replied the magnanimous monarch," to trouble an honest man for having told the truth !" The following instance of the uncertainty of human life occurred at the house of Abraham Davis, Old Gravel-lane, Ratcliffhighway :-On Sunday night, October 26, Mrs. Davis complained of being unwell, and asked her husband for somthing she fancied. He said she was always longing for something, and wished she was stiff in her grave. He no sooner repeated the words than he was seized with a shivering-he became speechless, and was a corpse before twelve o'clock, having been previously in perfect health. Mrs. Davis was so shocked at the circumstance, that she took to her bed, and was a corpse in less than six hours afterwards. Poetry. SONNET. The Feebleness of Man. "Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven ?-Canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth ?"-JOB XXXviii. 33. Who yet hath fathomed ocean's deepest caves, Or, what created power hath made the sun The offspring of pale winter's snows? or, spring, And robe the autumn in her blossoming ?- P. S. SEA-SIDE. A calm Evening. Look on these waters, with how soft a kiss THE KISS. (A Song.) Behold, my fair, that loaded bee, Where the sly thief impress'd his pow'r. No, no! each flower is still the same; Belinda, cease then to repine IMPROMPTU. On Julia peeping. Behind the lofty organ's screen, Ah! little dids't thou deem, that eye Which wakes to guard Brittania's crown, Would there thy tiny form espy, And give thee, Julia, to renown! ADAM'S LAMENT OVER THE DEAD BODY OF ABEL. The first of blood,-the first of blood, The life which warm'd that quivering flood Shall never be restored. Abel,-my son !—the fair,-the good, Too soon art thou deplored. |