THE INCOMPLETE LONDON LETTER. (To be filled up by those "in the know.") WORD of preface. New feature. Brevity order of the day. Light touch. Light come. Light go. Give outline. Shading superfluous. Last idea of the artists-very clever. "Why dot your i's?" " Why cross your t's?" Leave something to the imagination. Do it now instead of later. Saving at any rate in legacy duty. HUNTING story. A man angry. Another man angry too. Language. Took the dogs home. Congratulations." Office of telegram's origin-Berlin. 66 LEAP Year. Women proposing everywhere. Man never knows when he may lose singularity. One fellow reads first column daily. Says he must keep his eye on "the marriages." If he didn't, might mies his own wedding. You've lost your pride in Fashion's THE INFANT REFORMED. (A Dialogue Dedicated, with Mr. Punch's Compliments, to those who Compiler of Statistics. Now, my little man, I presume you are Child. Never dat me knows of. Compiler. That's right, and have you been told that, taking the years 1841 to 1860, the death-rate of children under five years old was 71.2 P Child. Me has, and dat between years 1886 to 1890 death-rate only 61.9. Compiler. Certainly, my dear; you are accurate to a decimal point. And can you now tell me what has been the death-rate for the same periods for children like yourself, between five and ten? Child. Me thinks 9'3 and 4'9. Am me right? Compiler. Quite right. You are a very good little boy, indeed; and now tell me, is not this decrease attributable to improved sanitary arrangements ? Child. Bery possible. Me likes the booful green fields and great big playgrounds. Me likes 'em bery much, indeed! Compiler. Of course you do! very natural, too! But don't you think it probable that the abstention from alcohol during the later period has had something to do with it? FEW points. He heard it at the Club. Fan found in the private box. With the menu. But she needn't have lost her temper. For it wasn't the fault of the spaniel. They wondered at the Stock Exchange. Not that it affected the conservatory. For he was Iwearing a blue domino. And she threw up the part at the last moment. However, it kept the congregation waiting. The pewopener suggested a key. But it didn't matter much, as the mailboat was not running. So she said she preferred Olympia. Which certainly astonished her mother. Hitherto a most indulgent parent. But what can be done when the coachman flatly refuses to bring out Child. Yes, yes. Me live longer dan the oder ickle boys and the horses? It certainly was frosty weather, and the bracelet had girls, 'cos the oder ickle boys and girls were naughty ickle boys and gone to be mended. But that needn't have put off the lecture. For, girls! after all, the Royal Institution is the Royal Institution. Especially Compiler. I am glad to hear you say so, although, perhaps, it was when diamonds are trumps three times running. So they preferred not entirely their fault. But why do you think the children who to stay at Nice instead of Monte Carlo. At the suggestion of the preceded you were naughty? curate. At least, that was the tale told by the Squire at the hunting breakfast. But it was injudicious to talk about their meeting at Niagara. You can skate on thin ice anywhere. So said the Duke, when they asked his Grace's opinion. But they shouldn't have turned out the guard, for in spite of his riband he wasn't a field officer. And it was thoughtless at four o'clock in the morning. So they observed at the War Office. And they ought to know. Not that it wasn't annoying after they had ordered the table d'hôte luncheon. Extenuating circumstances was the verdict. But they are all wondering how it will end. For the dog-cart was smashed to atoms, and no one could find the lost certificate. AND now I have referred to all the stories" going the rounds." At least, so says the Judge of the High Court. FEMALE DEFINITION OF LEAP YEAR.-Miss Understood. Child. Cos dey all took to drinking! Compiler. A most intelligent response! and, to mark my apprecia- Compiler. But you will avoid brandy-balls ? A LINE FOR LAUREATES. ME M. for all future patriotic Odes:- NEW NAME FOR THE PRESENT AGE.-The German Sauce-age! A noble course right nobly run, and since Noblesse oblige, his manners matched his Art. Fine painter-skill, the bearing of a prince, His life was of a piece, crowned with a death CRICHTON's accomplishments,-in every part Disparagement's malign and peevish breath Painful but manfully patient,-noble still! Here may not penetrate, nor venom kill The fame which is the fruit of cultured days, Ripening despite the canker and the blight Of pestilent petty things, in whom all praise, Save of their hobby-idols, genders spite: Great if not quite among the greatest, here A noble artist, of a noble life, Rests, with a fame that lives, and needs not fear Detraction, or the hour's ephemeral strife. TO A CAUTIOUS STOCKBROKER. For comfort has more charms than wealth; Consols? Bless me, I can't afford To live on one or two per cent. ! The workhouse then must give me board And lodging, free from rates and rent. I came-I'm hanged, you've made me shy! My brightest hopes I half resign. What will you think of me if I Suggest a mine? You frown. I know what you will say That sleepless nights will be my lot, That I shall pine and fade away, And die a pauper, shall I not? To pause before it is too late, Though cent. per cent. sourds very fine, Or ruin is the certain fate Of me and mine. 66 'JUST A-GOIN' TO BEGIN!" PROFESSOR S-L-SB-RY (P.P.R.). "NOW, MY SPORTIN' GENTS, 'ERE'S THE 'ATFIELD PET AND THE BRUMMAGEM BRUISER-WHO'LL HAVE 'EM ON WITH EITHER OF 'EM ?" SONG OF THE NEW NOVEL READER. AIR-"I cannot sing the old songs." I CANNOT read the old books! They are so dull and slow. I cannot read the old books! DRYDEN and POPE I flee. I cannot read the old books! I once could laugh o'er Pickwick, I tried a bit of Chuzzlewit The other day, to see. But I cannot read the old "Boz," I cannot read the old books! I cannot stand those old "crocks," I cannot read the old books! They've neither style nor chic. Their men are so provincial, Their maids so milky meek. DOLLY'S CLASSICS. "THE LAOCOON." FROM THE DIARY OF A LAUREATE. HANG it! Wish some other fellow hadn't written "Rule, Britannia." It would come in now admirably. Wonder if anybody knows anything more of it than the chorus ? Let me see how did first verse commence ? "When Britain first at Heaven's command Capital! just exactly what I was thinking of! bother it! It's the idea! Can't get it out of my head. Happy Thought.-I see"Britain first" is the keynote. "First": beginning at the beginning-good,-that's it-must make a start somehow. "In the beginning when-" Ahem! sounds scriptural. Um. Well, why not? I will. Happy Thought.-Develop idea of Britain "in the beginning-when, what? Go back a little. What is comprised in the word "Britain"? Island: water-sea-shore-shingle-(bravo! note down" shingle") -beach-fields-woods-fastnesses! Whoop! Lovely word "fastnesses. "Can't fit it in. Pity! What colour "fastnesses"? Grey! Splendid!! And fields-what colour fields? Depends on time of year. Happy Thought.-Any time of year will do. Poetry, not for any particular season, but for all time. Say "green" for choice. Got it! "Grey fastnesses and green fields." No, no; common-place; and "fastnesses "- beautiful word-but can't fit it into metre. Query-Change metre? No: I'm strung up for this jerky put'em-together-anyhow-chaotic-sort-of-pre-creation-of-world metre. Must stick to it. It's original. And what I like is Originality, if one can only get it! I've got it; and I'll keep it. Grey' green"-"fast"-". nesses. By Jingo! that's it! Omit the "fast"! Lovely!! Here: 64 "Grey-green nesses." Bravo! bravissimo! An inspiration. What are "nesses"? Doesn't matter; if I don't know, nobody else will. Note it down for use when wanted. Sure to come in somewhere. Wish I could think of something new about the sea! Should like to call it "the azure main,' but the chap who wrote "Rule, Britannia" did that, hang him! Let me sea-no, I mean see "(no levity). What's in the sea? Fish. Big fish. Whales ! Hooray! Whales! England and Whales! that is "Britain." Oh dear! No, I mustn't joke. I must 66 66 blench. They've no dusk touch of Norway, They've no sharp dash of Nay, you will miss "analysis," I cannot read the old books! The great god Pan to Modern Is chief divinity. I cannot bow to old gods, They're fetish frumps to Me! I will not read the old books! They're so unsound on Sex! They grovel to the Grundy-bonds That virile readers vex. They're non-erotic, crass, chaotic, Art's earliest A B C. No, no! I read the New Books. They thrill and tickle Me! curb my Pegasus! I must use my Pegasus as a cart-horse. Cart. Horse! In field. Sea horse in azare main." (Dash "azura main"!) Mariner ploughs sea." Why not "whale" instead of mariner"? Ploughing the land? Ploughing the water? Triumph! Another line! 66 "And whale-ploughed water." AT St. James's Hall Ballad Concerts the Meistersingers gave GORMAN'S "Whene'er I Gaze." This was announced in the papers everywhere. Of course GAZE deserves this publicity. We are not "a deniging of it." But wouldn't it be fair and square towards the other and elder firm of tourists' agents if the same sweet warblers were, alternately with this, to give a madrigal entitled, "Whene'er I Cook"? We are not aware of the existence of such a concerted piece, but surely it might be at once written, composed, and performed. Then one verse, as an ensemble, would do justice to both these estimable and useful Travelling houses. As thus:Whene'er I Gaze on amounts For travels, reduced they be; Whene'er I Cook my accounts I'm saving my £. s. d. This verse is just given gratis, as a mere suggestion, by our own Private Laureate-not ALFREDO caro-and may be used, applied, and developed, by the Meistersinger-in-Chief, for the public benefit, and his own, whenever he takes it. |