(Tag-end of a Ghost Story written for Christmas or any other time.) ANGELINA could not understand the cause of her misfortunes. All through the day she had had the luck against her. She had visited her favourite spinster aunt (from whom she expected to inherit wealth untold), and that usually amiable old lady had treated her with marked coldness. "I don't know what it is," said the venerable dame, "but there are voices in the air, ANGELINA, accusing you of murder, I can hear them, I can, indeed!"

My dear Aunt, what nonsense! But there, I only looked in to show you my new hat. Do you like it ?"

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Well, no," returned the elderly spinster; "I don't care for such a heap of feathers. The original material is completely hidden in a perfect nest of wings. The hat is suggestive of limitless slaughter." "It is the fashion," replied ANGELINA, rather angrily; "and what is the fashion must be nice."

And then the ruffled maiden, after a cold adieu addressed to her aged relative, took herself off. She visited several of her friends, but one and all complained of the voices. They heard in the air accusations of assassination. ANGELINA was an accessory after the fact," and these cruel indictments quite eclipsed the success of the hat. The head-gear was pronounced here and there "stylish," but the cry of "murder" overwhelmed the praise. At last ANGELINA met EDWIN.

"What is the matter ?" cried the girl, as her betrothed turned away

from her in horror.

you of cruelty! The voices of the birds are chirruping out charges of brutality!"

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But it is the latest fashion!" urged the now weeping ANGELINA. "Feathers are all the vogue."

"And to procure them the poor little songsters of the grove are massacred by millions! The parent birds are taken away from their young, and the fledgelings are allowed to die of starvation! Your hat is eloquent of misery! There is not a wing on it that does not suggest a tragedy!

The young man spoke earnestly. He had been called to the Bar, and spoke as if addressing a jury.

"Then you no longer love me!" sobbed ANGELINA.

"How can I?" replied EDWIN. The birds are witnesses against you. I am fully aware of the consequences. I know the dangers of breaches of promises of marriage. But, ANGELINA, in spite of those dangers, in spite of possible damages of untold amount, I must withdraw. I can no longer be yours! All is over between us!"

SPORTIVE SONGS.

THE STEEPLE-CHASE RIDER TO HIS MISTRESS,

THERE's never a sweetheart so dainty as mine,

Not a lady so loving and fair

From the Rhone to the Rhine, from the Thames to the Tyne, There's not any with you to compare!

Your eyes are as bright as the sun's subtle light,

Yet as soft as the moon on the sea,

And your form has the grace that belongs to the race

Of a damsel of long pedigree.

There's surely no helpmate so willing as you.

Have you never refused me your aid?

In the world there are few half so loyal and true

As you are, my bonny brown maid.

In the cruellest task I have only to ask

You care not for danger or pain

When our fortune seem'd gone, you have challeng'd and won,

You have done it again and again.

There's never a cross word between you and me,

And you listen to all that I say.

If a point there should be on which you disagree,
And you show it-'tis only in play.

You're the joy of my heart, and we never shall part,
Not e'en when we've finished at last.

Then the cap, jacket, belt, and the spurs you ne'er felt,
Will be memories glad of the Past!

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

EXCELLENT present for the present season- -which, as our old friend WILLY SHAKSPEARE Would have said, is "the season of presents," the New Year's gifts coming in as the Old Year, loaded with the good things of Christmas, goes out-is The Vanity Fair Album, with its coloured caricaturical likenesses of celebrities" of all sortsmore or less celebrated-drawn chiefly by SPY," occasionally by "STUFF," and sometimes by "GATH," with notes written as an accompaniment by JEHU JUNIOR. Of the three artists named, "SPY," legitimate successor of poor PELICAN," is facile princeps, although, even in his work, it is very rare to find one picture drawn in the genuine spirit of caricature. They are likenesses first, and caricature has to take its chance. Always you exclaim, "How like! How good!" seldom "How inimitably funny!" The frontispiece introduces us to four sporting gentlemen, masters of fox-hounds in pink-"SPY" pinx-it-who, in their own persons, represent the hardy annuals of the winter season, who, as disdaining hares, and not caring for stags, would choose for their motto Fox et præterea nil."

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I

Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and talked about himself the whole time): "YES, I'M SORRY TO SAY I'M A MARTYR TO INSOMNIA. I VE TRIED EVERYTHING, BUT CAN TELL YOU A VERY SIMPLE REMEDY. YOU SHOULD

CANNOT GET SLEEP AT NIGHT!"

His Hostess (sweetly). "OH, BUT TALK TO YOURSELF-AFTER GOING TO BED!"

OUTSIDE!

(With Apologies to a Mellifluous Memory.) IT chanced a song the Stoney-broke One sang Of Fortune and her wheel-in S. E. slang:Turn, Fortune, turn thy wheel, as 'twere a "bike,"

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AN INTERVIEW IN COMMON FORM. (From a Note-book found in the land of Personalia.) very materially from the dwelling-places of THE house of the great man did not differ his neighbours. The regulation portico, the customary area, the white-washed stucco front were all there to carry out the resemNow cutting records, now bust-up, belike, blance. The hall, too, was not unlike other Thy wheel and thee I'll neither bull" nor halls of other mansions. The butler, the bear." footman, and the housemaids had nothing to Turn, Fortune, turn thy wheel, like a steam-distinguish them from fellow-menials filling pump! ["slump," "like situations in other ménages. Now up, and 'tis a "boom," now down-a "Can I do anything for you?" asked the I'm neither Bear nor Bull, and so don't care. Great Man, with a smile. Smile, and behold a "Barney," and a swell! Frown, and 'tis still a "barney" but a sell! An empty purse is master of man's fate. Turn, turn thy wheel before the crushing crowd, Fools who before the golden calf have bowed! I'm stoney-broke, and so can't speculate!

"Well," I replied, "it is only fair to tell you that I come in the character of an interviewer. To save time, I will not give you my opinion of things in general, and yourself in particular, for the simple reason that I can add it as padding when I come to the composition of the article."

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Quite so," responded the Great Man, emphatically; "I commend your excellent good sense. And here let me say that this is not the first time I have been examined on behalf of the Press,"

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Certainly, but not too often. Had you 'been done to death,' to use a colloquialism, I should not have had the honour and pleasure of this introduction. In fact, you, from an editorial point of view, would have been regarded as valueless for copy."

"No doubt," returned the Great Man. laughing heartily and good-naturedly. "But I have the advantage-thanks to my scanty but, for this purpose, sufficient experienceof knowing the sort of thing you want to learn. For instance, I have a cup of tea at seven, eat a hearty breakfast at nine, lunch lightly at two, and reserve eight o'clock for dinner."

"Thank you very much," said I, making the entry in my note-book; "and now tell me-do you take soup ?"

"I have not for many years. I must confess, too, that I dilute the deadly cold of the morning tub with a little boiling water. I never eat sugar, ard care nothing for pastry." "Is the dislike medicinal or hereditary ?" "A mixture of both. As a child, the favourite punishment of my mother was the order of no pudding.' Thus, as quite an infant, I lost my appreciation of tarts. What was commenced by my maternal parent was completed by my doctor. I have been ordered to give up fruit pies."

We laughed heartily at this quaint descripion, and for a moment or two my pen was busy.

Is there anything else I can tell you ?" "I suppose you go to the seaside in the summer, and occasionally run over to Switzerland in the autumn? That you are fond

f dogs and children? That your wife takes a deep interest in your work? Then you have cozy corners in your house, and that kind of thing ?"

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To be sure," replied the Great Man, who had been nodding affirmatively to my various queries. "But everything connected with the house you will surely leave to the photographer? I presume I shall have the pleasure of making his acquaintance?"

It was my turn to bow, and bow I did, with a smile.

"And now," said my host, "I am going to ask a slight favour. All I have told you would probably be equally applicable to my SMITH, and ROBINSON? You acquiesce in good friends and neighbours, BROWN, JONES, the suggestion? Quite so; then give all the interesting particulars you have collected, but avoid mentioning my name."

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But your personality is what will interest the public."

"Yes; but this sketch will do for any one else of eminence. Reserve it for the next

comer.

the suggestion. And, as the idea was a novelty, I adopted

THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS. (Entirely New Version.) BENEATH the Bridge I often sit and sigh, So often, that I seem to grow indig-enous. Maybe you'll want to ask me why Beneath the Bridge.

"A tunnel's made to get you through a ridge. And o'er a bridge you keep afoot on high." But I'm aboard. Above me, on the Bridge, My lover officer scans sea and sky. And though it grows as cold as the Refrig-erator late at night, still there am I Beneath the Bridge.

THE KALENDAR OF FRIENDSHIP.

(FOR 1896.)

January.-Mr. WILLIAM JONES presents his compliments to Mr. HENRY SMITH, and while apologising for the liberty he takes in addressing him, would be obliged, &c., &c.

February.-Sir,-I have the honour to acknowledge the receipt of your obliging letter, and in reply beg to state, &c., &c.-Your obedient servant, WILLIAM JONES.

March.-Dear Sir,-I shall be very pleased to afford you all the information relative to the matter mentioned in your letter, &c., &c.-Yours faithfully,

WILLIAM JONES.

"THE IMPROVEMENT OF LONDON."
PEG away, Daily Graphic, and advocate weekly,
And strongly, and daily, and gaily, your dreams
Of beautiful London. We bear much too meekly
Discomfort and ugliness; fight for your schemes.

Peg away, and keep showing that London needs greatly
In buildings more beauty, in streets still more space,
Plan boulevards and squares, lined with houses more stately,
Combining convenience, grandeur, and grace.

Then England may rise to a wonderful level,

The level of France, of old Greece, even more; "Schools of Art," as at present, may go to the-I mean, dogsAnd art may be fostered as never before.

Then Wellington Statues, and Shaftesbury Fountains,
And Albert Memorials never would come,

As mouse-like productions of labouring mountains,
To strike the intelligent foreigner dumb.

She would not put pictures by barracks, nor boast that
South Kensington sheds show her architects' skill;
She builds even now, and requires at the most that
Some generou citizen settles the bill.

The bill! Daily Graphic, of what are you thinking?
The bill! Oh, my goodness, who ever will pay ?
Is England so rich as to contemplate sinking
Such sums for mere beauty, hard cash thrown away?

Note by a "New Novel" Reader. CERTAIN unsavoury social crimes of old

Were things on which pure ladies would not look. They're not so sternly censured now, I'm told,

But they're (by women) oftener "brought to book."

August.-My dear SMITH,-Have you forgotten my letter of yesterday week? Pray let me have an answer to it at your earliest convenience and oblige

Yours ever,

WILLIAM JONES.

September.-My dear Mr. SMITH,-I cannot see that your tardy answer to my letters at all explains matters. What I wish definitely to know is, &c., &c.

Yours sincerely, WILLIAM JONES. October.-Dear Mr. SMITH,-I fail completely to understand how, &c., &c. Yours very faithfully, WILLIAM JONES.

November.-Dear Sir, I am surprised, &c., &c. Yours faithfully, WILLIAM JONES.

December.-Sir,-I positively decline to do anything so ridiculous as to go to Belgium with you for the purpose of fighting a duel. On the other hand, you are certainly at liberty to go to Jericho, for all I care.-Sir, your obedient servant, WILLIAM JONES.

To Henry Smith, Esq.
N.B.-My solicitors' address is, &c., &c.

NEW DICTIONARY.

(Being some occasional notes intended as a contribution towards a "Lady's Own Dictionary of Words and Phrases.") "AGGRAVATE." This word, according to men's dictionaries, means "to exaggerate: to make enormous, &c."; but the fair sex, not content with this simple definition, have given it another, which is, to anger to irritate. For instance, in women's language, the expression, an aggravating thing," is generally understood to signify a person who causes us anger or displeasure. If a man were to talk to a woman of an aggravated injury," she would probably not know what he meant. But if he were to describe her dearest friend's conduct as aggravating, she would immediately understand him.

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66 "So." This little adverb is a great favourite with ladies, in conjunction with an adjective. For instance, they are very fond of using such expressions as "He is so charming!" "It is so lovely!" &c. According to the rules of strict grammar, the use of the adverb so," and of the adjectives "lovely" and "charming," requires to be followed, in both these sentences, by the use of the conjunction "that." "He is so charming!" is a purely feminine expression. "He is so charming that I have made a friend of him," is a purely masculine one, or should be so. It is satisfactory to know, however, that ladies have nothing whatever to do with the rules of strict grammar.

It is hoped that these two extracts will for the present suffice to show the exceedingly useful character of the forthcoming publication.