FEBRUARY 8, 1911.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Jason Blogg (of Pittsburg). "WELL, HYPATIA, WHICH OF 'EM HAVE YOU CONCLUDED TO TAKE?—THE EARL OF OLDPARK OR COUNT APPOGGIATURA? " Miss Hypatia, "I'M GOING TO AWAIT DEVELOPMENTS, POP. IF THE EARL LOSES HIS VETO, MAYBE I'LL TAKE THE COUNT." TO THE PERENNIAL RABBIT. On some far, dim, forgotten day, morasses, Would turn, I doubt not, with relief Perhaps my cave-man blood's to blame, A terrier and an active ferret! An air-gun and the drone of bees, In such surroundings I consider You 're worth a hundred storm-swept braes wrote a novel on a diet of white bread, RECORD NOVELIST. but it barely sold 100,000 copies. It INTERVIEW WITH MR. SILA SHOCKING. was a romance of the Cornish Riviera A GREAT MANUFACTURER. describing the abortive attempt of a MR. SILA SHOCKING is indeed to be South African millionaire to establish envied. Though still in the prime of a Casino at Tintagel, and his terrible life he wears a full beard hardly end. I took the greatest pains to make touched with grey, and is the proud my meaning perfectly and unmistakably possessor of a golf handicap of 36-he clear. But somehow or other my is admittedly the Captain General of tragedy and comedy became hopelessly the most typical modern industry- and inextricably mixed, and my charthat of novel-making. The Daily acters became quite unmanageable. Chronicle has already told us the thril- The book, in short, was a failure, and ling history of his early years and the I only cleared £5,000 by the sales." noble principles which inform his new Turning to the question of his colossal masterpiece, a great cricketing story clientèle, Mr. Shocking said that his with a strong ethical interest, which is readers could be numbered by millions appearing serially in a leading journal, in the Midlands before the sale of his but some further particulars, gleaned books climbed into hundreds of thouby a plucky representative of Punch, sands in London. It was only by who scaled the heights of Highgate in degrees that he had stormed the citadel the pursuance of his duty, may not be of metropolitan fame, and even still unacceptable to those who love to learn there were houses in Mayfair where of the prosperity of our prominent his name was practically unknown, expenmen. cept in the basement. Of late, too, he In his early years, Mr. Shocking was had begun to sell widely in the Isle of almost entirely immersed in the study Man and Stratford-on-Avon in spite of of theology, metaphysics, conchology strenuous local competition. Beyond and kindred subjects, but the call of these areas, Manchuria, Japan, Korea, romance was not to be resisted, though Heligoland and the Falkland Islands for long he turned a deaf ear to these were countries where Mr. Shocking's siren voices. " Often enough," he said, stories are every day gaining a wider "the impulse came upon me, and plots vogue. Translations already exist in evolved themselves almost uncon- Romany, Urdu, Basque, Aztec and sciously in my mind, but I put the Esperanto. temptation aside. It was not till many The statistics relating to Mr. Shockyears had elapsed that I became con- ing's output are worth recording. The vinced that my capacity for influencing total number of copies of his books in my fellow men for good would be circulation is estimated at ten quintill-You enormously enhanced by my abandon- ions (it will be remembered that a ing the pulpit for the pen-by my quintillion a billion penillions). The turning my sermons into novels. Since paper on which these copies is printed, then my pen, or perhaps I should say if spread out flat, would carpet the my phonograph, has known no rest. entire Solar system, and, if piled in a The process of preparation is arduous, vertical heap, would reach to Mars. involving long journeys, nights spent The amount of printer's ink consumed in sleeping-cars, horseback riding-on these immortal tomes would fill the I was once run away with by a Mexican Caspian Sea. In writing his books, mustang, another time I was badly again, before he took to the phonoshaken by a fall from a camel in Egypt graph, Mr. Shocking used up 2,743 --but when once my material is col-quill pens, 590 stylographs, 411 founlected it is plain sailing. Formerly tain pens, and 33,775 steel nibs. The I wrote, now I dictate everything to process of revision accounted for the phonograph." three tons of blue lead, and 70,398 and healthy, shortly returning to Australia, "A gentleman, 34 years of age, tall, strong Have you any time for meals?" sheets of blotting-paper were ex- wishes to meet a lady and marry her before timidly queried our representative. hausted in drying the manuscript. doing so."—Advt. in "Matrimonial Times.” "Not much," replied the intrepid Furthermore Mr. Shocking has, in the Advice to those about to marry: Meet littérateur. "A thimbleful of tea at search for the requisite local colour, the lady first. = 8 a.m., a hasty snack at 1 o'clock, and travelled 30,000 miles on bicycles, a poached egg and a banana before I 160,000 miles in motor cars, and 24,000 And all the royals in Balquidder! Indeed, wherever I may go, Through summer woods, by wintry I've found you, in the sun or snow, And in all seasons acted sporting! Hushed is the hairy mammoths' roar London: retire to rest at 12.30-that is my usual miles on donkeys, camels and elephants. From The Daily Telegraph's account regimen. I drink barley-water most Mr. Shocking has been interviewed in of a dinner of the German colony in days, but in the summer I own to a all nearly five thousand times, and weakness for gingerbeer and raspberry he is the proud recipient of the Order vinegar." of the Purple Patch (Servia), the Golden Gasometer (Costa Rica), and the Hokey Fly (Ireland), besides being an Honorary This is the kind of report that does LL.D. of the University of Tipper- so much for the softening of AngloGerman relations. "Do you hold any views on the Bread question?" "Yes," replied Mr. Shocking, "I am a whole-hearted whole-mealer. I once usalem, and a D.D, of Monte Carlo. "The speeches were entirely in German, the remainder of the evening being devoted to harmony." Sportsman. "I SHOT A WRETCHED PIG BY MISTAKE WHEN AFTER SNIPE NEAR FOO SING. THE VILLAGERS WOULD NOT LISTEN TO MY APOLOGIES, BUT BEHAVED IN A PERFECTLY SCANDALOUS MANNER-TAKING AWAY MY GUN, KNOCKING ME DOWN-AND-ANDJUMPING ON MY STOMACH UNTIL MY BLOOD BOILED." THE PURIST; OR, ANY EXCUSE. ["I beg to again most respectfully call your attention to the above overdue account previously rendered, and trust you will now favour me, etc."] SIR, when I noticed the message appended to Are not, like sodas, the better when split. So, as I gazed at this bill for my raiment that All the brave plans for immediate payment that No, Sir, I would have discharged with celerity One so completely devoid of all shame As to quite unprovoked, callously go Splitting a harmless infinitive so! THE PURPLE PRESS. With acknowledgments to "The Observer." "THERE for the moment we may leave this soul-shaking announcement. It would be impossible even for us to overestimate its portentous gravity. No more insidious solvent has been administered in our time to the cement which binds together the stately fabric of Empire. The struggle of the next few years will irrevocably decide the future of Great and Greater Britain and its place amongst the Great Powers of the world-if, indeed, we are to keep any place among them. Already the writing is on the wall, the words of warning shine out in luminous fluorescence for all who have eyes to see if, indeed, the power of vision is still possessed by our politicians. But we are not pessimistic. Never have we felt less so. The spectacle of impending peril has always nerved heroic souls to make their supremest efforts. There must be no faltering or paltering with the enemy. Under the oriflamme of an unshakeable resolve the Party must go forward in serried ranks to shatter into infinitesimal smithereens the motley hordes of the squalid coalition. For our feet are upon the mountains and our face is towards the rising sun." WI Master. "I'M SORRY TO HEAR YOUR FATHER DIED LAST NIGHT, GEORGE. I'D NO IDEA HE WAS SERIOUSLY ILL." 66 Jarge. WULL, 'TWERE THIS WAY. DOCTOR 'E COME IN THE MARNIN', AN' MOTHER SHE A MIND TO ASK FOR;' AN' MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT, FEYTHER 'E ASKS FOR A QUART O' BEER; CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER and the HOME SECRETARY. After that there are always sausages and bananas and kippers; the mere mention of such will convulse any audience. SCENE-Pronunciation Class. Professor. Take great pains to keep your voice strictly to street pitch, and with a street accent. I mean, of course, those of you who are not Scotch or Lancashire comedians. These may do as they like when in any towns not in Scotland or Lancashire. But all you London singers must be most scrupulous to retain your cockneyisms. Thus, when singing of, say, a man named Brown living in London town, be watchful to say both Breown" and "teown." Much depends on it. 46 SCENE -The Serio-Comic Class. Professor. The first thing, Ladies (or shall I say, "Dears "), that I want you to understand is that the seat of the serio-comic voice, if it is to be successful, is not the chest, but the back of the head. Some of you seem to have acquired the elements of voice-production. These you must forget as quickly as possible. The music-hall public does not want anything but what it has had for generations. Remember that. It expects heady nasal notes, and you must give them. SCENE Comic Costume Class. Professor. The first essential of a comic singer's clothes is that they do not fit. If they fit, the song cannot be comic, whatever the words. Some of you, I see, have trousers that are not patched. What kind of chance in the profession you expect, I cannot imagine. Others have shirts when the simplest gallery boy knows that, when the waistcoat is lifted up (being made loose for that purpose), a dicky should be all that can be seen, or, possibly, in really funny men, a pair of very ancient corsets. Thus attired you will succeed in whatever you sing: there will be enough members of every will make enough of the others laugh audience to persuade the rest that you also; never by any chance say anything are funny. The boots should be too new or fine. Keep it all to the lowest large, the hat too small. Paint your level by cynicism and suspicion. See nose red, your mouth large, and give the worst of everything and everybody. your eyebrows an arch. Never omit For example, if you sing about the sea to carry a stick, as every time you hit let it be either of the sickness upon it, yourself it will convince your audience the fleas in the lodging houses beside that your last remark was a joke, and Professor. It is a wise plan to think it, or the adventurer on the pier who they will laugh, and the more they out all one's jokes for one imaginary took your watch and chain. Remember laugh the better for you. That indeed person in the audience and never get that in any narrative there is nothing is why your clothes have to be so above his head. A typical gallery boy really funny but failure. For briefer carefully thought out: it is so that for choice or, when addressing the gags bear in mind that all music-hall immediately you are seen the audience ladies, a gallery girl. It is true that audiences are conservative; and it has will know you are funny and will be other people will be in the hall, but become safe and popular to use what-practically bound to laugh. It is a if you can make these two laugh you ever language you like about both the kind of hypnotism. THE SCHOOL FOR VARIETY. MR. GRAYSON recommends the establishment of a school for music-hall artistes so that the public may be spared some of the less successful turns. SCENE-Comic-patter class. CATESBY (MR. CHURCHILL). "MY LIEGE, THE DUKES, ETCETERA, HAVE BEEN TAKEN." 66 RICHARD THE THIRD. "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! WE WILL REFORM 'EM LATER." "Richard the Third" (Colley Cibber-" Punch" version), Act IV., Scene 4. |