CHARIVARIA. ** own hands by entering the premises KAISER for permitting his wild swine and extinguishing the light. to escape from their enclosure and A DAILY paper quotes the corresponddamage neighbouring property. It ent of the Hamburger Nachrichten, who Mr. BONAR LAW's description of the would be interesting to know if Prince says of Berlin, "It is by no means so Ministry as "an efficient Cabinet as LEOPOLD excused himself on the ground quiet as is usual here in the dog days." Cabinets go" has not, we understand, that he had merely followed the All As, however, the foregoing statement entirely satisfied some of the members Highest's distinguished example. is reprinted by our contemporary under of his party, who are hoping to have the heading, Ham To-morrow!" it an early opportunity of forming their looks as if the dog days were on the own opinion as to its efficiency in these point of being pleasantly interrupted. circumstances. ** ** The Amsterdam Telegraaf learns from A number of German Generals are the German frontier that caricatures of preaching Fletcherism, or prolonged the KAISER are appearing mysteriously chewing of food, to the public in this on walls and hoardings in Germany, time of short rations. It has, however, and the EMPEROR, whose own artistic apparently escaped the notice of these talent has not lately had much exercise, reformers that the present unhappy is said to be anxiously looking around for a subject worthy of execution. ** ** A Covent Garden porter stated to the West London Police Court that he "must either thieve or fight, and preferred to thieve." Notwithstanding the shining example set by a prominent reigning house it does not seem to have occurred to the fellow that he could just as well do both at the same time. ** Steam Roller Driver. "NAH THEN! AHT O' THE WAY, FRANCIS JOSEPH!' ** "Every British soldier," says a graceful writer in the Paris Journal, "will henceforth have the soul of a Wellington." He might have added that once we get going it will be a lucky German that has a sole to his Bluechers. One hundred conscien In the meantime they are doing excel- | position of the German people is due tious objectors are to be employed lent service on the other side of the to the fact that they have already Atlantic as journalistic head-liners. ** bitten off considerably more than they 66 ** 'Everything that a brewer uses has gone up by leaps and bounds," said raising gravel for the West Suffolk County Council. It is to be hoped that some of them will raise a little grit in the process. The Parliamentary Correspondent of The Daily Telegraph states that "much interest" was displayed in the House of An ex-soldier with a wooden leg, who Commons in the presentation of an anti- Mr. H. COSMO BONSOR, presiding at the was found lying in the road, was ordered drink petition, two-and-a-quarter miles annual meeting of a well-known brew- to pay 7s. 6d. at Roehampton Police long, which was carried up to the Table ing company. This, of course, must be by two officials. More gratifying still was more than a little disturbing to an inthe public excitement exhibited when dustry that has been built up on hops. the official carrying the tail-end of the petition turned down into Whitehall from the Strand forty-five minutes after the first man had entered Palace Yard. ** The Worthing visitor who, finding the light showing outside his house, laid information against himself, is understood to be so incensed at the action of the Bench in dismissing the case that in the event of a second offence he has determined to take the law into his VOL. CLI. *-* Court. A brief account of the event is correctly, but not, we think, sympathetically, provided by an evening contemporary under the heading, "Lost His Balance." ** The editor of the Vorwaerts has again been arrested, the reason assigned being that the newspaper does not truthfully Allied officers recently removed from represent Germany's position in the a Greek passenger ship a German War. If the title of the organ is any woman in whose baggage were found indication of its contents the charge three torpedo capsules. It is underwould appear to be more than justified. stood that, notwithstanding her explanation that she was taking the According to the German papers capsules for the purpose of reducing Prince FREDERICK LEOPOLD of Prussia flesh, the woman was removed for has been severely reprimanded by the investigation. ** H HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. (The EMPEROR FRANCIS JOSEPH and the GERMAN KAISER.) Francis Joseph. You may say what you please, but I shall maintain my opinion. Things are not going well, and your Germans are no better off than my Austrians. Thousands of your men are taken prisoners; you lose guns and are forced to retire by the French, the British, and the Russians, and then you choose such a moment to come to me and ask me to put my forces under the command of your VON HINDENBURG. Really it is a little too much. Heaven knows I'm not short-tempered as a rule, but this proposal is enough to make even the most patient and amiable man in the world flare up. I can see no signs of this swift victory for our arms anywhere. Come, you know, you will have to put on that shining armour I used to hear you talk about. The German Kaiser. And you, for your part, will perhaps say a word or two to your Archdukes. After all, you may as well remember that it was you who began the War. Francis Joseph. Nonsense, it was you. All I blame myself for is that I didn't check you in time. (Left disagreeing.) MULES. I NEVER would 'ave done it if I'd known what it would be. I thought it meant promotion an' some extra pay for me; The German Kaiser (aside). The old man's peevish. II thought I'd miss a drill or two with packs an' trenchin' must attempt to humour him. (Aloud) My dear Emperor, tools, how you mistake me. Can you possibly think that I am So I said I'd 'andled 'orses-an' they set me 'andlin' mules. capable of inflicting a slight upon the glorious Austrian army and its beloved chief? No, no. Put the idea out of your mind at once. All I suggest is that at this critical time it would be a convenience for both of us that the commands of the armies should be to some extent united, so that there may be no conflicts of authority and no waste of time. That is all. Francis Joseph. And you suggest that VON HINDENBURG should command in chief? The German Kaiser. It was merely an idea of mine put forward for your consideration. I'm not wedded to it; but, if we don't fix on VON HINDENBURG, whom else do you suggest? Francis Joseph. To tell you the truth, I'm not particularly favourable to voN HINDENBURG. There's something about him that I can't say I care for-something overbearing and harsh. Isn't he just a little too Prussian even for your taste? The German Kaiser. Really, I must ask your Majesty to remember in whose presence you are speaking. Francis Joseph. Do you think I'm likely to forget it? I know well enough who you are and from whom you descend. Fatal, indeed, have your ancestors been to the Austrian Empire, and fatal must you be with your rashness, your ambition, and since I must say it-your impetuous desire to offend by your want of tact and your bad manners those whom you cannot otherwise control. The German Kaiser. Upon my soul, this is too much. Rashness you may charge me with in having bound myself to take up your cause, and ambition is no dishonourable quality, but that I should live to be accused of bad manners and want of tact-that is beyond all belief. I leave you and shall leave your shattered armies to the punishment you and they deserve (he makes for the door). You'll be sorry for this, you know. I Francis Joseph. Oh, come away from that door, do. take back what I said and acknowledge you to be the best mannered and the most tactful of men. The German Kaiser. Well, I'll forgive you just this once, but you must listen to reason. There's something in the air at the Eastern Front which doesn't seem to suit the Austrian soldiers quite so 'well as it suits the Russians, and all I propose is You I Francis Joseph. Yes, I know what you propose. needn't rub it in more than is absolutely necessary. submit, and consent that my armies should be placed under the command of VON HINDENBURG. The German Kaiser. Your Majesty will have no reason to regret it. Henceforth our front will be truly united, and we shall swiftly defeat those who have set themselves to destroy the German nation and its arts and sciences. Now 'orses they are 'orses, but a mule 'e is a mule If I'd been Father NOAH when the cargo walked aboard, ear, They 're as mincin' when they 're 'appy as a ladies' ridin'school, But when the fancy takes 'em they 're like nothin' but a mule the foam With the off wheels in the gutter an' the near wheels in Rapid Promotion of a War-Worker. "Thetford Town Council has appointed the 15-year-old daughter of the town crier to fulfil the duties of the office during her father's absence serving with the colours."-Daily Chronicle. "Thetford Town Council has appointed the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Town Clerk to fulfil the duties of the office during her father's absence with the colours."-Western Daily Mercury. From a picture-palace programme: "The fight actually cost the daring woman her life, and but for the timely revolver-shot of her lover in the play she would assuredly have been killed." As it was she displayed unusual vitality even for a cinema Francis Joseph. But that is just what is worrying me. heroine. 66 bed, for he loved fresh air. Next morn- gone ahead in his luggage in the carINJUSTICE TO IRELAND. ing he went forth determined to be rier's cart, and anyhow the delivery for He was sick of the tyranny of mar- early enough, but he had to wait until the week had gone that very day. He tial law in his poor down-trodden 12 noon. He would have his flask still had a hope: would the merchant country. A Pathriot" could no filled anyhow, for he had learned that be so good as to send his man for longer shoot a policeman without in- one could always get soda-water. But orders? But the merchant was again terference from the brutal British when 12 noon did come they were sorry: that was against the law, and his soldiery. Ireland was no sort of a sorry they could not sell him less than man could not take money at the door. place for a man any more. She was a reputed quart of spirits, and anyhow Sad and thirsty our exile tramped to oppressed, ground down, but England it was Saturday, and he must wait the far place and arrived just after was the favoured country-always had until 12 noon on Monday. He decided closing time. In desperation he decided been. So he made up his mind to go that London was a dismal place and to be taken suddenly ill. He did it there and enjoy the freedom quite well outside a licensed denied him at home. place and collected a sympathetic crowd. He begged for brandy, whisky, beer anything, but was told he must produce a doctor's prescription. He recovered sufficiently to crawl home. On arrival in London he was asked for his registration card. He hadn't one. He explained at the police-station that he was normally resident in Ireland and he was a free man again. It was 3 P.M. and he was thirsty, so at a near-by bar he called for a whisky-and-soda. He was told he could have the soda now, but he must wait for some hours for the rest. He waited, miserable. At last the hour struck and, being lonely, he fell into chat with a stranger. Soon he asked an obvious question. His new-found friend said he was sorry, and explained, "No treating allowed, you know." The exile was sad as it neared the ridiculously early closing time. Well, he would take a drop home against the night, so he called for a bottle. The busy barmaid was sorry he could not have it and told him to come again next week. It was Friday night. He did not understand, and at throwingout time, when the day had just gone, he sought a bus to take him to his lodging. No bus. He asked a policeman -- the Spirit of London, who knows all things. "Sorry Sir, Route 397 is off." He hailed a taxi, but after a few hundred yards the taxi-man explained. "Sorry, Sir, can't go on; Government Special. "BE CALM, MADAM. THEY'VE DRIVEN OFF THE Young Mother. "OH, CONSTABLE, DARE I VENTURE ΤΟ On the morrow he looked round and was pleased to find the little harbour full of strange and interesting craft. He had his camera with him, but he had not carried it far when a Naval policeman was sorry but he had to confiscate it. He was asked for a registration card again several times and to explain why, being apparently fit and of military age, he was unregistered and not in uniform. So he gave it up. He hit off the right day and time at last, and purchased three of the most reputed quarts he could find. Then he bought a time-table and looked up a train and a boat that would bring him back to Ireland and the tyrannies of martial law. About 3 I sat up and stood above the thistles like an ant watching a flaming forest."-Mr. Philip Gibbs in "The Daily Chronicle." "When German regiments are ordered to A captious correspondent wants allowance of petrol run out." Every- he fled towards the sea; but nearing to know (i.) how one sits standing, one was very polite and very sorry. his destination he was asked for his and (ii.) what variety of ant can see Our exile proceeded on foot, but in permit to be in that area, which was over a thistle? dark streets he banged into people prohibited. He fled again, and this and was cursed and condemned. Dub- time he got to where he wanted to go storm a position it is not necessary, we are lin, even after the "Home Fires" in a wild spot on the coast, three miles assured, for the commander to issue a sultry Sackville Street had ceased burning, from a town. He was beginning to order to stimulate them."-Egyptian Mail. was better lighted than this. learn, he would make no more people He just does it in cold blood. He got to his lodging at last and sorry, he would interview a wine mersat down by his open window in the chant in the town and then walk out cool night air. He was soon disturbed to the place by the sea. But the wine by his landlady knocking sharply. She merchant was sorry, he could only take Brown. I know you don't. You can't. was sorry, but he must close the win- orders for cash, and he only delivered Jones. Yes, I can. dow and draw the curtains, "on account to the far place once a week. The Brown. Well, think, then. of them Zeppelins, you know." He poor exile gasped, his cheque-book and Jones. So I do think. didn't know, and he went stuffily to all his money but a few shillings had Brown. I don't think. Overheard. Jones. I don't think. CHARITABLE INTERPRE TATIONS. DEAR MR. PUNCH,-How little do we yet understand of the habits of our enemies! It is not by bandying reckless accusations that we shall bring about the equitable peace which we hope for. For this reason I have been very thankful to read the following in a recent issue of the Cologne Gazette, which disposes once and for all of the dreadful calumny that the German officers are capable of using the cat-o'nine-tails to encourage and inspire their men : 'The glorious citizen army of Herr Asquith is apparently not accustomed to thoroughly cleansing its uniforms. Otherwise the object of the nine-tailed whip could not be so completely unknown." (The slight note of asperity will be gladly overlooked in the circumstances). "This effectively disposes of the stories, related by prisoners, of Prussian officers belabouring their men with the cat. Even the uniforms of privates in so punctilious an army must need dusting, and there could be no more convenient method. Would it be too much to say that cleanliness is the leading passion of the German Army, whether in the field or in the houses in which they are billeted? Had that fact been borne in mind we should not have fallen into another similar error with regard to what have been termed (even in official messages) "Flame-projectors." The simplest explanation is generally the best. One has only to ask how the Turkish carpets and costly tapestries that furnish the front-line dug-outs of the enemy are to be kept in decent order without a liberal use of vacuumcleaners. CHAS: Bluejacket (to Chinese Ship's Steward). "Now LOOK 'ERE, OSWALD. YOU CAN'T TEACH ME ANYTHING ABAHT CHINA. I KNOW, 'Cos I'VE BEEN THERE." I feel sure that if we were all more And, again, may we not assume that the bludgeons, studded with projecting nails, of which we have read as being used in hand-to-hand conflict by the Germans, and which a Paris newspaper has rashly termed "the weapon of the apache rather than the soldier," are wish to dogmatize. I have no sufficient they not have become inadvertently entirely innocent in intention? It knowledge. But let us consider the involved in it? would be idle to deny that they may German use of poisons in many forms. be snatched up absent-mindedly in the It will be found, I think, that their heat of battle, but is it not clear that raison-d'être is horticultural, though I their proper office is to be used at again admit that in the heat of battle physical drill as Indian clubs? The they may be diverted to combative presence of the projecting nails is purposes. It cannot be easy to grow easily explained and shows the usual either primroses or mustard and cress He asked the young Canadian the quesTeutonic thoroughness. It would tend in the trenches without the use of tion: Are you willing to give your blood to the Frenchman?' At once, sir,' was the to correct slipshod work and render the weed-killers. And surely the horrible reply. performer less likely to hit himself suggestion that Germans have been A quarter of an hour later the surgeon carelessly about the head. found chained to their machine-guns performed the operation of transgression with I think it will be found, if we can is wide of the mark. I am not closely admirable success."-The Star. get rid of this terrible atmosphere of acquainted with the machine-gun (far In this instance the way of the transsuspicion, that other simple explana- from it), but I understand it to be a gressor seems to have been comparations will be forthcoming. I do not complicated piece of mechanism. May tively easy. |