Village Worthy. "AH, I USED TO BE AS FOND OF A DROP O' BEER AS ANYONE, BUT NOWADAYS IF I DO TAKE TWO OR DREE GALLONS IT DO KNOCK I OVER!"

OUR COLOSSAL ARRANGEMENTS.

post, telephone and telegraph. Each panied by daintily dressed ladies, walk member of this army of artists, littéra-hither and thither. The shopkeepers ONE of the most appalling scandals teurs and tacticians possesses a hip chat pleasantly. The burly policeman of modern times is the disgraceful pocket, fully loaded, two pairs of drowsily pursues his way. Children suppression by the Ginger-beer Press puttees, a compass and a wrist watch. shout happily. Surely here is peace, of news relating to the state of affairs Every day scores of women and says the unsuspecting visitor. in the Isle of Wight. For some weeks children are leaving the Isle of Wight A brown-faced man with a light we have not flinched from filling our for the mainland. Gunboats and cruisers beard and a heavy tread approached columns with picturesque accounts of are passing and repassing before its us. It is all right," said my comthe epoch-making events taking place shores, by order of the Admiralty; panion to him; "this gentleman is a there; and yet the Ginger-beer Press strong, silent men are doggedly pur- friend." Then, lowering his voice, he has cruelly put off its readers with the suing the business they have in hand. added: "He came over last night." scantiest details, or else refrained from In the very heart of the island some of "Beautiful place, Cowes, isn't it?" any sort of reference. We make our the flower of the youth of our country said the bronzed man. I noticed that protest all the more vigorously because is being trained in the art of naval war- his hip pocket bulged. Yet none would many of those readers have been driven fare, while the thunders of gun-practice have suspected that his conversation to read our own journal in preference are heard every hour around the coast. was not of a perfectly ordinary charto the erroneous and misleading sheets Yet, search where you will in the Ginger-acter. to which we have referred. beer Press during the last few weeks, Entering the most sumptuous hotel This distressing state of things has you will find practically no reference to in Cowes we had lunch. There was forced us to make the fullest arrange- these things. nothing sinister about the place except ments for a constant stream of news We implore our readers, on the that the waiters were German. But I to be supplied from our branch offices highest patriotic grounds, to inform noted signs of understanding between at Ventnor, Totland Bay, the Needles, the few remaining adherents of the them and my friend. "I have been and other points of the Island. We Ginger-beer Press that if they desire here before," he explained, with a quick have despatched a huge staff of world- the Truth it can be found only in our glance about him. famous war correspondents, descriptive pages. writers, poets, photographers, Royal We have the pleasure of printing Academy artists, gallopers, commissariat below the first of the astonishing officers, and trained bloodhounds. Field articles which have been sent already kitchens, field wireless equipment, and from our Expeditionary Staff:field glasses are included among their impedimenta, and no single message will be printed in our pages that has not been sent in some other way than

THE PRELIMINARY CALM.

By Blinton X. Krapt.

The streets of Cowes are bathed in

So life goes on from day to day. We are waiting, waiting. The little bootmaker in his shop is waiting. The tailor is waiting. The hotel staffs are waiting. The passengers on the railway platforms are waiting. On the surface life is gay and free from care; but what I may have to tell you when it comes round to my turn to write

THE TOP SLICE.

I.

Letter from Mrs. Gregory-Browne to
Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe.
Upper Tooting,
21st July, 1914.

II.

Letter from Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe to
Mrs. Gregory-Browne.

Chiswick,

22nd July, 1914.

MY DEAREST SARAH,-I have just read your most interesting letter, and MY DEAREST AGATHA,-1 must tell I quite agree that the whole occurrence you about an extraordinary occurrence. was, as you say, most extraordinary. They were all quite respectable people, I mentioned it to George. He says he indeed most respectable. Perhaps I has no doubt at all that it was really ought not to include Mr. Jones. He a sound piece of bread-and-butter. is, you know (I mention this in the I don't know whether the enclosed strictest confidence, dearest), he is not cutting will help you to understand, -well, you know, he hardly belongs but I am sending it. It is from last to our set. I cannot understand why Saturday's Tooting Argus. Somebody James is so absurdly fond of him. sent it to George.

It was my At Home day last week and quite a lot of people, really nice. people too, came in spite of the heat. The heat may have had something to do with it, but I really cannot think what it was.

Your loving

III.

AGATHA.

Extract from The Tooting Argus

GREAT NEW FEATURE.
PROBLEMS OF CONDUCT.

(CONDUCTED BY REGINALD AUGUSTUS
PLANTAGENET-HARRIS.)

Problem 3.-A. is paying a call. His
hostess offers him bread-and-butter.
He notices that the top piece has
suffered from the heat. What should
A. do? ....

I handed a plate of bread-and-butter to Miss Niccole. To my surprise she hesitated a moment and then took the plate and handed it to me. When I declined she offered it to Mrs. FitzroyWilliams-Adamson. You know, dear, she is fourth cousin to a baronet. Then the extraordinary thing occurred. Mrs. Answer adjudged correct.-A. should Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson took the politely take the plate from his hostess, plate and offered it to Miss Niccole. murmuring, "May I offer it to you?" When Miss Niccole declined it she If she refuses he should offer it to his offered it to Mr. Wildegoose (pro- nearest neighbour. When the offendnounced Wildergos, you know, dear). ing slice has been got rid of in this Then it was his turn. And so it went way he can help himself to the next on. Really, it was most extraordinary. slice and then return the plate to its Nothing like it has ever been known owner. in our family. I really cannot understand it.

Highly commended.-A. should explain to his hostess that he has a Everybody passed the plate, and at peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices last it came to Mr. Jones. He pointed of bread-and-butter from the houses of at the top piece of bread-and-butter. the great. His collection of Royal Yes, he actually pointed. He then Family slices is unrivalled. Might he made the following extraordinary re- have the pleasure and honour of adding mark: "I say, hasn't this broken loose to his collection this dainty specimen? from the bread-pudding, what, what?" He should then reverently fold the Thereupon he pushed it on one side and slice in two and place it in his breasttook the next slice. I was ashamed pocket. and mortified for such a thing to happen in my house. Really, it was most extraordinary.

[Our only objection to this is that it seems a rather greasy thing to do.]

Incorrect answers:-(1) A. should make a facetious remark, such as, "Hasn't this escaped from the bread pudding?" He should then playfully but firmly push the slice aside and trust

Mr. Allen, the new curate, came in just then. He took the top slice, but I caught him absent-mindedly putting it in a flower-pot. When he saw me looking at him he blushed and started to luck on the next. -started eating it, I mean. However, (2) A. must out of courtesy to his he left most of it, and when everyone hostess accept thankfully whatever she was gone I examined it. It was per- places before him. Any other course haps a little hardened by the sun, but of conduct would be an affront. It otherwise it was quite a nice piece of now however becomes his personal bread-and-butter. I cannot understand property and he can adopt whichever it at all. The whole thing was really of the following courses is most conmost extraordinary. most venientextraordinary.

(a) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot

(b) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the dog may get it.

NOTE. If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, "I cannot understand how any animal can decline such delightful bread-and-butter." He can then openly dispose of it in the grate or the waste-paper-basket on the ground that the dog's nose has vitiated its freshness.

LOVE'S LABOUR WELL LOST.
[Lines inspired by a dark lady, who re-
Lines inspired by a dark lady, who re-
marked, à propos of a recent disaster,
that all fair girls were untrustworthy.]
PHYLLIS hath a roving eye,

Palest blue-a candid feature
Which informs the passer-by

Phyllis is a flighty creature;
Golden locks and fair complexion
Also point in that direction.
I, who had arranged to be
Joined to Phyllis by the vicar,
Now that she has jilted me

Scorn to seek relief in liquor
Or the tears that folk are shedding
(Having missed a swagger wedding).
He who stole my love away

Cannot hope for long survival,
And I pity him to-day

As I did a former rival
Who believed her single-hearted
When my own flirtation started.

dated 88 B.C., and supposed to be the earliest document on parchment known) will be sold." Daily Graphic. Scholarly letter-writers before the Christian era were always careful to put

To-day two Greek documents (one of them

THE YOUNG OF THE SEA-SERPENT. WITH the approach of the silly season one's thoughts turn naturally to the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets of authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. An infinite variety of topics, our representative gathered yesterday, is now on the eve of discussion, and the quill that cannot find something to say on at least one of them had better return to its native goose without delay.

"Mother of Ten," we were informed by the courteous editor of The Halfpenny Bleater, will as usual open that journal's discussion, and this year her thoughts have turned to bathing fatalities. "Should Land Crabs Learn Swimming" is the subject which she (or, to betray an office secret, he) has selected. Due emphasis on the necessity for university costume in the case of an affirmative reply to the question. will be laid by "Paterfamilias," who will contribute the second letter of the series.

The Morning Dip will maintain its reputation for intellectuality with a spiritual discussion on "Has Life a Double Meaning?" or "Is Existence a Joke?"--the exact title has not yet been decided. "Constant Reader" has already bought a penny packet of assorted stationery and charged it to the office petty cash, and only a really good murder can prevent the early appearance of his letter. As readers will remember, correct spelling is a feature of this author's work.

In pursuance of its settled policy The Daily Giggle will appeal more especially to the fair sex. There is more than a touch of pathos in the signature "Orphan Boy," which will appear at the foot of his letter on the subject, "Are First Cousins Kissable?"

Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in The Daily Jingo, where "Pro Bono Publico" will lay down his views on "Our Soft

ening Sinews." In his well-known Highest Type of Man," the editor of
style, which is so happy a blend of The Brain Pan will throw open his
public spirit and split infinitives, he columns to all those with views on
will plead for less indulgence in our "The Most Attractive Girl." For the
dealings with the young. "We are," start he has secured the services of
he says in his peroration, which we "Virile Englishman," who will put
were privileged to see, "raising up a aside her knitting to take up the pen
soft breed, and we shall live to bitterly in obedience to his commands. The
rue it. The future of the race is, of Perfect Little Lady's first letter will
course, on the knees of the gods, but be contributed by "Sweet Seventeen,"
let us determine to also lay it across who has studied her subject by diligent
the knee of parent and schoolmaster. attendance at all the best boxing
So shall the rising generation learn the matches of the current year.
merits of the strong right arm that has
make England what it is."

In conjunction with The Perfect

"I do not see why, I do not see why,' he repeated, rising up and down."-The Times.

6

A New Way to Deal with the Cold.

"Originally fitted with luxurious saloons and cabins for tourists to Greenland and Spitzbergen, the Endurance is a very different ship to-day. Her cabins are being turned into store-rooms and officers and crew will sleep in odd corners, for two years' provisions have to be curried."-Evening News.

"The music of Borodin, the composer of Prince Igor,' is little known in England, apart from the Polovtsienne Dances which, owing to their wind and barbaric character, have been so popular a feature of the per

formances of the Russian Ballet."

Musical Opinion. Why drag in the wind? The strings were just as good as the wind when we

'HEAVENS, MY GOOD GIRL, THAT WON'T DO. HERE, GIVE ME THE THINGS. WHY, HALF-WAY ACROSS THE ROOM NO ONE WOULD SEE I WAS MADE UP AT ALL!"