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“ I say, there, what are you doing up there? Why ain't “I don't know, my son; you must ask her." you with your regiment ?"
“Well," retorted the hopeful, “one of you must have “I'm gettin' 'simmons, I am," replied the soldier. told lies, or you wouldn't have a boy who would !"
“ Persimmons !-thunder! They are not ripe yet. They are not fit to eat."
Among other famous dialect problems is the following “ Yes; but, general,” persisted the Confed., “I am dilemma, which is framed with wonderful ingenuity, the trying to draw my stomach up to suit the size of my rations. acuteness displayed in its construction being probably unsurIf it stays as it is now, I shall starve.”
passed. It is called Syllogismus Crocodilus, and may thus The general had nothing more to say, but rode on.
be stated :
An infant, while playing on the bank of a river, was To be equal with the occasion is with some persons seized by a crocodile. The mother, hearing its cries, rushed a natural gift. We may mention an incident in connection to its assistance, and by her tearful entreaties obtained a with the famous French Marshal, Bassompierre. During promise from the crocodile (who was obviously of the his incarceration in the Bastile, he was observed by a friend highest intelligence) that he would give it back to her if she one morning to be diligently turning over the leaves of a would tell him truly what would happen to it. On this, the Bible, whereupon the friend inquired what particular pas- mother (perhaps rashly) asserted : sage he was looking for.
“ You will not give it back." “One that I cannot find," was the reply: "a way to get The crocodile answers to this: out of this prison.”
“ If you have spoken truly, I cannot give back the child On his coming out of prison, Louis XIII. asked him his without destroying the truth of your assertion; if you have age. Fifty was all that the gallant soldier would own to. spoken falsely, I cannot give back the child, because you To the surprised look of the king, Bassompierre answered: have not fulfilled the agreement; therefore I cannot give it
“Sire, I subtract ten years passed in the Bastile, because ' back whether you have spoken truly or falsely." I did not employ them in your Majesty's service.”
The mother retorted : Some years, however, before this, when serving in the “If I have spoken truly, you must give back the child, capacity of ambassador to Spain, he was telling the Court by virtue of your agreement; If I have spoken falsely, that how he first entered Madrid,
can only be when you have given back the child; so that, “I was mounted on the very smallest mule in the whether I have spoken truly or falsely, the child must be world----"
given back.” “Ah!” interrupted the joke-loving king; “it must History is silent as to the issue of this remarkable dis. indeed have been an amusing sight to have seen the pute. biggest ass in the place mounted on so small a quadruped.”
With a profound obeisance came the quiet rejoinder : Few men are without ambition to become wealthy. The “I was your Majesty's representative."
one great object of human existence seems to be the acqui
sition of riches; therefore the secret of attaining these We need not mention the particular county in which the desires will be welcomed by many. following occurred; it is, however, very suggestive of the A German gentleman, named Reuben Hoffenstein, has lively manner in which matters of a parochial kind are come about as near to the right method as any one occasionally discussed in some districts.
know. “ What a fearful thunder-storm we had last night,” said a “Herman,” said Hoffenstein, as he glanced over a book gentleman on meeting with the overseer of the parish; in which he kept small accounts, “has dot shoemaker vot “the oldest inhabitant can scarcely remember a keeps de corner around baid vat he owes de sdore yet ?" one."
“No, Misder Hoffenstein,” replied the clerk, “but I “So I have been informed,” was the reply ; " but the i dhink he vill. He vas a goot man if he vas poor.” fact is, we had a meeting of the town council at the time, :
be so, Herman, but you had better vatch him. and none of us heard a single peal of it."
Don't let him haf noding more on gredit. You must always
dink a man vas a rasgal until he bays vat he owes; if you An inquisitive youth, too young to fully comprehend the don't, you vill lose money by dinking he vas goot. My doctrine of total depravity, but old enough to have at least g-r-acious, Herman, I have seen plenty of poor men who a vague idea of the hereditary principle of mankind, was vere goot. Dey vould get dings at my sdore on gredit, and recently detected by his paternal ancestor in falsehood, and spend dere cash mit some von else. Vatch de shoemaker, punished therefor by solitary confinement. The pun- Herman, I haf been poor myself vonce.” isement over, the youngster accosted his father with the “De shoemaker, Misder Hoffenstein," said the clerk, question :
“ vould haf baid before dis if he don't haf been so poor." “Pa, did you tell lies when you were little ?"
“But he don't got no pisness being dot vay,' replied The father, perhaps conscious-smitten, evaded an answer, Hoffenstein. “A man vat vas poor, Herman, don't can but the child, persisting, again asked:
blame no one but himself. Vy don't he get velty, like “ Did you tell lies when you were little ?"
oder people? If a man vas sadisvied mit being poor, he “ No,” said the father; “but why do you ask ?"
don't be no 'count, you know. Ven I vas beddling, I vent “ Did ma tell lies when she was little ?"
to a velty merchant to get some goods on gredit. He don't
* Dot may
let me haf dem, und I dold him dat I vas honesd if I vas a “ Yes, sir." poor man.
Vat you dink, Herman; he says, “My frient, “About a year old, isn't he?” de lower regions vas so full uf beople in your fix dat dere Mercy, no! He's hardly eight months old yet!" legs vas sdicking de vindows out.'
“Isn't, eh? Well, I'm the father of nine children, but it's “ Dot exberience, Herman, learned me dot a poor man been so long since I've seen a baby that I've forgotten how don't haf got invluence enough in dis vorld to make de dogs they ought to look. Is he a girl ?" bark at him, und I vent to vork. Dree years after dot I haf “ No, sir; he's a boy." a dry goods sdore, und vas de bresident us a bolitical asso. “Just me, agin. I never can tell one from 'tother. Is ciation.
he purty healthy ?" “My gr-r-acious, Herman, nefer vant to be a poor man! “Oh, yes.” De only ding vot a poor man can get vas religion, und he “Squall much at nights ?” vouldn't get dot if it cost anyding. Recgollect dot berse- “Never squalls at all.” verence in business vill make you velty, und dot if you vail “Don't, eh? That's the kind of a young ’un I like to see in de righd vay dere vas money in it. Ven I vas keeping a around. My Samuel did nothing but howl for the first two redail sdore in de gountry, bisness got dull, und I vent to years, Sarah was allus sick, Moses fell out of the cradle and Simon Krausman, my vise's uncle, und I says, “Simon, broke his arm, and something or other allus ailed every one dink I vill vail, dere vas no money in de bisness any longer.' of the lot. Have you named this baby yet ?" • Reuben,' he says, 'de boys vas paying as high as dwendy “ No, sir." cents, dis year, und I dink you better vait.' I dook his “ Haven't, eh! Say?" advice, Herman, und nexd, ven dey vas only baying den Yes, sir.” cents, I vailed, und made ober four dousand dollars. Shust “S'posen you call him arter me? My fust name is Jefferdink uf it!
son, and they Jeff me for short. I've got two ten-dollar gold *“ Now dere vas Solomon Oppenheimer, who put a little pieces here for him if you want to call him Jefferson." sdore up avay out in Arkansas, und de gountry for fifdeen “I'll do it!" promptly responded the woman. miles around vas so poor dot all de fleas vent avay. Vell, “ That's business. Here's the cash and the boy is named he put his sdore dere, und for seex years he vailed in Jefferson, arter me. Lemme kiss him about four times." pisness, und now Solomon owns a gouple uf brick sdores in The baby was duly kissed and congratulated, and at the Houston, Texas. He made all uf dot by his berseverance. next station he left the train with his mother. The old man Dink uf it, Herman, und vile you dink uf it, don't let de was tickled half to death over the matter, until the conductor shoemaker ve vas dalking about get avay midout baying vat came along and asked: he owes."
“Did you pay her anything to name that baby after you?"
“Yes-twenty dollars. He's a clipper, and don't you Some people take lise very composedly, as the following forget it.” domestic incident would indicate.
“ And so is his mother. She's down in the Detroit House A few weeks after a late marriage the husband had some
of Correction, and the woman who had him takes care of peculiar thoughts when putting on his last clean shirt, as he
him for two dollars a week!" saw no appearance of a “washing."
“ N-o-a!" He thereupon rose earlier than usual one morning, and “ Fact." kindled a fire. When putting on the kettle, he made a
The old man's jaw sell, his eyes remained fixed on the noise on purpose to arouse his easy wise. She immediately ceiling for a minute, and then he fell back in his seat with peeped over the blankets, and then exclaimed :
the exclamation: “ My dear, what are you doing?"
“Chaw me! Everybody has called me a fool for the past He deliberately responded :
twenty years, and now I know they were right ! Con" I've put on my last clean shirt, and I'm going to wash ductor!” one now for myself.”
“ Yes." “Very well," replied Mrs. Easy, “ you had better wash
" Please mop the floor with me and break my neck, and one for me too."
step on me a thousand times, and then throw the mangled An artful negro named Sam Johnson was arraigned before
wreck into some swamp, for I won't be no more good in
this world !" the judicial authorities on a charge of burglary. If you wanted merely to examine the house with a view
That we do not always mean what we say in anger is of purchasing it, why did you not ring the bell instead of climbing in through the back window?” said the judge. “I exemplified in the following: The landlord of a hotel at lacks de confidence in you, jedge! Dat's why I can't intrust
Nahant entered, in an angry mood, the sleeping apartment
of a boarder, and said: you wid any of my bizness plans !” said Sam.
“Now, sir, I want you to pay your bill, and you must; I A story worth repeating comes from the Detroit Free have asked for it often enough, and I tell you now that you Press : On the Bay City train the other day was a woman
don't leave my
till you pay it." with a baby about eight months old, and in the next seat “ Good," said the lodger, “just put that in writing-make back was an old man who couldn't sit still until he had said: a regular agreement of it-I'll stay with you as long as I “ That's a baby you have there, isn't it?"
The Collecting Mania.—It is astonishing to see how ros, while his old hat always had the same old mashed and the collecting mania has pervaded all classes of society, even battered look. He never washed his face, nor combed his to the juveniles. On the recent day of prayer for the Presi- hair, nor buttoned his shirt-collar, and when about “ halfdent's recovery, at the hour appointed for service in the seas over," provided with the stump of a cigar,--he was churches, the pupils of a certain public school in a Western never known to have a whole one,-smoking in peace on a city were requested to study for a few moments a prayer rock-pile, he seemed supremely happy. With all these which their teacher wrote upon the blackboard, and then at irregularities and eccentricities, “King Solomon” was as a given signal to rise and repeat it in concert. Upon the honest, upright, and industrious and, withal, had as big a conclusion of this ceremonial, and while all was solemnity, heart in his breast as any man in Lexington or Fayette a boy piped out:
County, and in the dark, gloomy, and fearful days of 1833, “ Miss C, may I have a piece of paper and a pencil when the cholera was thinning out the population, he dug to copy that prayer ?”
many a grave after more boastful and better-dressed men “Certainly,” said his teacher, “but why do you want to had fled from the city.
How Solomon became a “king” is due to the following “Because," said the boy, “it is the first time I ever incident: One day, when scarcely “as sober as a judge," he prayed for a President, and I want to keep it.”
was employed to trim a tree in the court-house yard. He That boy will be a first-class "collector" of something climbed into the tree, and, putting himself astride of a large when he is grown.
limb, commenced sawing upon it between where he sat and
the tree. Falling into a meditative mood, he sawed away Another Odd Prayer.—The amusing prayers in the last until the limb snapped off, hurling him suddenly, and somenumber of the MONTHLY reminded me of one I heard at a what short of breath, on the hard ground. The rare wisdom funeral last summer.
he displayed in sawing off the limb between himself and the A minister who was not even the pastor of the deceased, tree obtained for him, without a dissenting voice, the title only an acquaintance, had been invited, for some reason, to of “King Solomon," the wisest of earthly monarchs. While take part in the services. After praying for some time with the good-natured old soul was in the zenith of his glory, an great unction, and with an air of such deep distress as would admirable portrait of him was painted by a first-class artist, certainly have led a stranger to suppose that he was himself Colonel Price, and copies of it now adorn many elegant one of the afflicted family, he finally reached the climax in homes in Lexington. He was induced to sit for it by being this remarkable petition :
supplied with plenty of his daily beverage and the stump of “O Lord, wipe the tears from our eyes with thy tender a cigar to make himself pleasant on his favorite seat—a rock'kerchief !”
pile. When the kind-hearted old sellow died (November A lady who was present rather irreverently remarked aster- 27, 1854), he was tenderly laid away to rest in Lexington's ward, “ that science had developed a great many things, but beautiful cemetery, and followed thence by a large number she never knew before that the Lord carried a pocket-hand- of sympathizing friends. kerchier!"
LA PARIERE. H. G. F.
“Well, Brown," said the second, " we have had some “ King Solomon.”—One of the eccentric characters con- trouble to arrange about distance; but at length it is settled nected with the early history of Lexington, Kentucky, was for twenty paces; both fire together, and the meeting is for William Solomon, known familiarly as “ King Solomon.” to morrow morning at nine o'clock." He was born in Virginia, in 1775, and at what period he • Pretty short notice." came to Lexington no one ever knew, as all who knew him Have you any other objection ?" there at all remembered him as one of the old familiar land- “ I should just as soon have it at fifteen, or even ten paces." marks of the place. One of the kindliest souls that ever Well, I wanted to put you up at fifteen, but Allison's lived, and quaint as he was kind, he seemed a part of the second would not agree to it, so I yielded the point.” very town itself. He always boasted that he and “
“Henry,” “Ah! you yielded that point. I am fully determined, as he familiarly termed Henry Clay, had been boys together. however, that they shall not have another point yielded.”' He admitted, however, that “ Henry" had risen somewhat "No one asks it." higher in the world's regard than he had himself-he being “I am the offended party.” a cellar-digger. He was one of the most incorruptible and * Undoubtedly." Jackson-defying Whigs that ever lived, and clung to “Henry'' “ And therefore have the choice of weapons. Well, I through all his trials. One of the most independent voters choose small swords." in Fayette County, he was once approached by a candidate “ Small swords! Why, did you not just now consent to who gave him some money to go and vote. • King Solo- fight at twenty paces ?" mon'' pocketed the money and did go and vote, but against · Yes; I am not the man to retire from an agreement his benefactor. As we said, no one knew when he came to which a friend has made in my name. I repeat that fifteen Lexington-he seemed to always have been here. Neither or even ten paces would have suited me just as well. But did any one ever see him in a new suit of clothes. His you have said twenty, and let it be twenty." “rig,” as he called his clothes, seemed always to have been As Brown persisted in "maintaining his rights," the duel, old, and fitted him about as loosely as the hide on a rhinoce- of course, never took place.