love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now? Mrs Ford. He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. Mrs Page. [Within.] What hoa, gossip Ford! what hoa! Mrs Ford. Step into the chamber, Sir John. [Exit Falstaff. Enter Mrs Page. Mrs Page. How now, sweetheart? who's at home beside yourself? Mrs Ford. Why, none but mine own people. blance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised. Mrs Ford. How might we disguise him? Mrs Page. Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. Fal. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief. Mrs Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above. Mrs Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thruın'd hat, and her muffler too: Run up, Sir John. Mrs Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir John: mistress Mrs F. No, certainly; -speak louder. [Aside. Page and I will look some linen for your head. Mrs Page. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. Mrs Ford. Why? Mrs P. Why, woman, your husband is in his own lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying Peer out, peer out! that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here. Mrs Ford. Why, does he talk of him? Mrs P. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket: protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. Mrs Ford. How near is he, mistress Page? Mrs Page. Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon. Mrs Ford. I am undone!--the knight is here. Mrs Page. Why, then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead man. What a woman are you?-Away with him, away with him; better shame than murder. Mrs Ford. Which way should he go? how should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again? Re-enter Falstaff. Fal. No, I'll come no more i' the basket: May I not go out ere he come? Mrs Page. Alas, three of master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? Fal. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. Mrs Ford. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces: creep into the kiln-hole. Fal. Where is it? Mrs Ford. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: There is no hiding you in the house. Fal. I'll go out then. Mrs Page. If you go out in your own sem 1 Mad fits. Mrs P. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight: put on the gown the while. [Exit Fal. Mrs F. I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she's a witch: forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her. Mrs P. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cud gel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! Mrs Ford. But is my husband coming? Mrs Page. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. Mrs Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time. Mrs Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. Mrs Ford. I'll first direct my men, what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him straight. [Exit. Mrs Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Re-enter Mrs Ford, with two Servants. Mrs Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch. [Exit. 1 Serv. Come, come, take it up. knight again. Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius, and Sir Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again?Set down the basket, villain: -Somebody call my wife-You, youth in a basket, come out here!-O, you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a gang, a pack, a conspiracy against me: Now shall the devil be shamed. What! wife, I say! come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching. Page. Why, this passes! Master Ford, you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned. Eva. Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog! Shal. Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed. Page. This passes! Mrs Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone. Ford. I shall find you anon. Eva. "Tis unreasonable! Come away. Mrs Ford. Why, man, why, F. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: Why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable: Pluck me out all the linen. Mrs Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death. Page. Here's no man. Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford; this wrongs you. Eva. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies. Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for. Page. No, nor no where else, but in your brain. Ford. Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity, let me for ever be your tablesport; let them say of me, As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman. Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. Mrs Ford. What hoa, mistress Page! come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber. Ford. Old woman! What old woman's that? Mrs F. Why, it's my maid's aunt of Brentford. Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? Wearesimplemen; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is; beyond our element: weknow nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say. Mrs Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband;-good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. Enter Falstaff in woman's clothes, led by Mrs Page. Mrs Page. Come, mother Pratt, come, give me your hand. Ford. I'll prat her: out of my door, you witch! [beats him.] you rag, you baggage, you pole-cat! out! out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortunetell you. [Exit Fal. Mrs Page. Are you not ashamed? I think you have kill'd the poor woman. Mrs Ford. Nay, he will do it :-'Tis a goodly credit for you. Ford. Hang her, witch! Eva. By yea and no, I think, the 'oman is a witch indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler. Ford. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow; see but the issue of my jealousy : if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. Page. Let's obey his humour a little further: Come, gentlemen. [Exeunt Page, Ford, Shallow, and Evans. Mrs P. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mrs Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully, methought. Mrs Page. I'll have the cudgel hallowed; it hath done meritorious service. Mrs Ford. What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? Mrs Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, attempt us again. Mrs Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? Mrs Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of our husband's brains. If they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. Mrs F. I'll warrant, they'll have him publickly shamed: and, methinks, there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publickly shamed. Mrs Page. Come, to the forge with it then, shape it: I would not have things cool. [Exeunt. SCENE II. A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN, Enter Host and Bardolph. Bard. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and they are going to meet him. Host. What duke should that be, comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court: Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? Bard. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. Host. They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my houses a week at command; I have turned away my other guests: they must come off; I'll sauce them: Come. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-A ROOM IN FORD'S HOUSE. Enter Page, Ford, Mrs Page, Mrs Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans. Eva. 'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman as ever I did look upon. Page. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? Mrs Page. Within a quarter of an hour. F. Pardon me, wife: Henceforth do what thou I rather will suspect the sun with cold, [wilt; Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour In him that was of late an heretick, As firm as faith. Page. [stand, 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. Be not as extreme in submission, But let our plot go forward: let our wives Yet once again, to make us publick sport, Page. How! to send him word they'll meet him in the park at midnight! fie, fie! he'll never come. Eva. You say, he has been thrown in the rivers; and has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman: methinks, there should be terrors in him, that he should not come. Page. So think I too. Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest, P. That silk will I go by; and in that time Ford. Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook: Eva. Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will, [know, SCENE IV.-A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN. P. Why, yet there want not many, that do fear In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak: But what of this? Mrs Ford. Marry, this is our device; That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, Disguis'd like Herne, with huge horns on his head. P. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come, And in this shape: When you have brought him thither, What shall be done with him? what is your plot? Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, white, With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, Mrs Ford. And till he tell the truth, And burn him with their tapers. Mrs Page. The truth being known, The children must Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't. Eva. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taper. [vizards. Ford. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them Mrs Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all Finely attired in a robe of white. [the fairies, 1 Strikes. 2 Old age. 8 Elves. Enter Host and Simple. Host. What would'st thou have, boor? what, thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from master Slender. Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee: Knock, I say. Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed. Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robb'd: I'll call. -Bully knight! Bully Sir John! speak from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. Fal. [above.] How now, mine host? Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourable: Fye! privacy! fye! Enter Falstaff. Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brentford? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell; What would you with her? Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it. Sim. I would, I could have spoken with the 1 A cannibal. woman herself; I had other things to have spoken fisherman's boots with me: I warrant, they with her too, from him. Fal. What are they? let us know. Host. Ay, come; quick. Sim. I may not conceal them, sir. Fal. Conceal them, or thou diest. Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune to have her, or no. Fal. "Tis, 'tis his fortune. Sim. What, sir? Fal. To have her, or no: Go; say, the woman told me so. Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings. [Exit Simple. Host. Thou art clerkly, 1 thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life: and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Bard. Run away with the cozeners: for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain; do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest men. Enter Sir Hugh Evans. Eva. Where is mine host? Host. What is the matter, sir? Eva. Have a care of your entertainments; there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three couzin germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good-will, look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs: and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened: Fare you well. Exit. Enter Doctor Caius. Caius. Vere is mine Host de Jarterre? Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity and Coubtful dilemma. Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tella-me, dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany; by my trot, dere is no duke, dat the court is know to come; I tell you for good vill: Adieu. [Exit. Host. Hue and cry, villain, go:-assist me, knight; I am undone:-fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone ! [Exeunt Host and Bardolph. Fal. I would all the world might be cozened; for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor 1 Scholar-like. would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crest-fallen as adried pear. I never prospered since I foreswore myself at Primero.1 Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent. Enter Mrs Quickly. Now! whence come you? Quick. From the two parties, forsooth. Fal. The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffered more for their sakes, more, than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear. Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant speciously one of them: mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. Fal. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch. Quick. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed. Fal. Come up into my chamber. [Excunt. SCENE V. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE GARTER INN. Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy, I will give over all. F. Yet hear me speak: Assist me in my purAnd, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee [pose, A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss. Host. I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your counsel. F. From time to time I have acquainted you With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; Who, mutually, hath answered my affection (So far forth as herself might be her chooser), Even to my wish: I have a letter from her Of such contents as you will wonder at; The mirth whereof so larded with my matter, That neither, singly, can be manifested, Without the show of both;- wherein fat Falstaff Hath a great scene: the image of the jest [Showing the letter. I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host, To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen; [one, The purpose why, is here; in which disguise, While other jests are something rank on foot, Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender, and with him at Eton Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir, Her mother, ever strong against that match, And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed 1 A game at cards. That he shall likewise shuffle her away, She shall go with him:-her mother hath in The better to denote her to the doctor [tended, (For they must all be mask'd and vizarded), That, quaint in green, she shall be loose enrob'd, With ribands pendant, flaring 'bout her head; And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, To pinch her by the hand, and on that token, The maid hath given consent to go with him. Host. Which means she to deceive? father or mother! SCENE I.-A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN. Enter Falstaff and Mrs Quickly. Fal. Pr'ythee, no more prattling;-go.I'll hold. This is the third time; I hope, good luck lies in odd nnmbers. Away, go; they say, there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death.--Away. Quick. I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can to get you a pair of horns. Fal. Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head and mince. [Exit Mrs Quickly. Enter Ford. How now, master Brook? master Brook, the matter will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders. Ford. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed? Fal. I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man: but I came from her, master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you.-He beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know also, life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I'll tell you all, master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what it was to be beaten, till lately. Follow me: I'll tell you strange things of this knave Ford; on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand.-Follow: Strange things in hand, master Brook! follow. [Exeunt. SCENE II. - WINDSOR PARK. Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender. Page. Come, come; we'll couch i' the castleditch, till we see the light of our fairies.Remember, son Slender, my daughter. Slen. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word, 1 how to know one another. I come to her in white, and cry mum; she cries budget; and by that we know one another. Shal. That's good too: But what needs either your mum or her budget? the white will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o'clock. Page. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away: follow me. [Exeunt. SCENE III. -THE STREET IN WINDSOR, Enter Mrs Page, Mrs Ford, and Dr Caius. Mrs Page. Master doctor, my daughter is in green; when you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and despatch it quickly: Go before into the park; we two must go together. Caius. I know vat I have to do; Adieu. Mrs Page. Fare you well, sir. [Exit Caius. My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff, as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter: but'tis no matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of heart-break. Mrs Ford. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies? and the Welsh devil, Hugh? Mrs Page. They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak, with obscured lights; which at the very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the night. Mrs Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him. Mrs Page. If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be mocked. Mrs Ford. We'll betray him finely. Mrs P. Those who betray him do no treachery. Mrs Ford. The hour draws on: To the oak, to the oak! [Exeunt. SCENE IV. - WINDSOR PARK. Enter Sir Hugh Evans, and Fairies. E. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit: and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid you; come, come; trib, trib. [Exeunt. SCENE V.- ANOTHER PART OF THE PARK. Enter Falstaff disguised, with a buck's head on. F. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on: Now, love assist me:-Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy horns.-O powerful love!-For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i' the forest: Who comes here? my doe? 1 Watchword. |