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Lady S. Indeed! If any thing could prevent Tangent's attachment to the lady (a little witch), it would certainly be for their good.--Does it strike you how you could be of service to this captain and his fair daughter ?
M'Que. Not at all.
Lady S. What do you think of sending them to--togaol ?
M'Que. Gaol! (Aside.] Faith, that's one way of being of service. Why, it's a good place for them to recollect themselves in.
Lady S. And would prevent Tangent's seeing her. M'Que. And bring down the pride of the father.
Lady S. And, as they are poor, would contract their expenses.
M'Que. Apartment found them for nothing there, you know.
Lady S. Well, then, as Captain Faulkner owes you money, suppose you were to arrest
M'Que. Oh, I can't I can't in honour, because [Aside.] I should get nothing by it. Here is his bond. Now, many people take fancies to bonds—for my part, I'd just as soon have ready money—it's a mighty pretty bond ; and, if you'll purchase it, I'll send him to gaol with all the pleasure in life ; for then, you know, I'm only an attorney in the business; and 'tis no matter what I do.
Lady S. (Aside.] How fortunate! Now I shall be revenged ! Very well. Assign it to me ; and, as we agree it will be for their good, you may as well arrest
M'Que. Yes ; I'll give the captain a wholesome tap on the shoulder. In the next room is parchment, pen, and ink.
Lady S. I am going to Allspice's gala. I suppose you will be there to pay your court to the barristers ?
M'Que. No; I go there to have the barristers pay court to me. You'll see the young ones crowd about me like a plate full of potatoes round a butter-boat, and try to wheedle me out of a light half-guinea. Oh, Miss Faulkner is no more to be compared to you, madam, than a little twinkling star is to the full moon.
Lady S. Ah! sir, flattery's another characteristic of your country.
M'Que. My words exactly express my meaning, my lady, and that's another characteristic of my country.
SCENE II.-A spacious Suit of Rooms, brilliantly illu
minated-Music playingcard-tables, &c. Enter CLEMENTINA, at the top of the stage, R. Cle. What a horrid capricious old wretch that Mr. Caustic is! Just now, when to humour him I praised his nephew, he insisted I should not naine him. Well, I vow I am glad of that! for Mr. Dashall is far more tonish. I observed him to-day, with his hands in his pookets, elbowing every body, treading on the ladies' toes, and, without any apology, tearing their dresses in such a styleEnter DASHALL at the top of the stage, C., looking round.
Das. A gay thing, ma'am, faith! all elegance. Cle. Except pa. Oh, sir, did you hear him at dinner? He rose up (all the company were silent, expecting a complimentary address), and roars out, “Ladies and gentlemen, pray don't spare the pickles, for there are plenty in the shop." Ob, I blushed in such a style.
Das. Ha, ha! upon my soul-and all that--you're a fine creature ! and interest my fcelings more than any event since Waxy, the race-horse, won the Derby.
Cle. How flattering ! how elegant! will you love me, sir ?
Das. May virtue seize me, if, when we're married, I don't adore you!
Cle. Adore me !
Das. You would not have us found together, debtor and creditor, in your father's ledger, or stuck together like his figs.
Cle. Oh, shocking!
Das. No, ours shall be a stylish adoration-separate beds—you making a dash with your friend in one curricle, I making a splash with mine in another. You at Bath-sI at Newmarket.
Cle. Oh, charming ! hail, connubial love! Ob, here comes Mr. Caustic.
Das. Then you shall see me hoax him.
Cle. Oh no It is be that has the disposal of my aunt's fortune.
Das. Oh, that's the reason that all the women were
paying court to him. I swear, he look'd like the Grand Signior with a seraglio at his heels.
Cle. But it all won't do. I am the favoured sultaua. Enter Caustic at the top of the stage,.c. bowing to a num
ber of ladies about him, who pass off. Cuu. Ma'am, your most obedient-miss, your devoted. Good day, madam-oh, miss, happy to see you ! [Coming forward.) Oh, my back! my back! I must go home! Ha, ha! but I can't help laughing at the absurd adulation paid me. I, who was yesterday a sour curmudgeon, am, to-day, the 'monopolizer of all human excellence. Oh, my poor back! Oh, world, world!
Cle. (c.) How do you do, sir ?
Cle. Your own, I vow.–Pray, when did you give a gala, Mr. Caustic ?
Cuu. In the last frost, madam, to two hundred paupers and their helpless families--and we had our dancing, too, ma'am : for the little chubby brats, in merry antics, gambol'd round my knees : and we had music, too, madam; for the widows sung for joy.
Cle. Oh, charming!
Das. (R. C.) Damn'd fine, indeed! I think with you, certainly, sir, that-what the devil is the word-benevolence, is it not ?
Cle. Yes, there is such a word.
Das. Ay-benevolence, virtue, and all that, are at times extremely amusing.
Cau. Amusing! sir, virtue is the business of our lives; all else is its idleness.
Cle. I vow, sir, I was shock'd to see you so teazed by the fulsome attentions of the women. Flattery is not the way to secure the approbation of a man Das. Of your fine feelings and understanding.
Cau. It is not, indeed! [Aside.] Madam, Mr. Allspice wants you.
Das. Favour me with your hand.
Das. What oceans of sense! [ Apart.] I fancy we've tickled him in a capital style.
Cle. Very neatly, too! ha, ha!
Cau. These excite but laughter and contempt; but my vexatious nephew's tormenting—but this I'm resolved on--if ever again he dare to Enter TANGENT, L., not observing Caustic, who
retires up, R. Tan. Julia Faulkner! Julia Faulkner! by heaven, her beauty might set the world at war, and make another siege of Troy! and oh! were I general at that siege, I'd build castles
Cau. Ay, that you would !
Tan. 'Sdeath! what should oppo me? Sword in hand I'd storm the breach-[Pushing between two chairs.] I'd fire the palace, pull down the gate-[Snatches up a chair.] ard rush into her ains-[Is near embracing Caustic.)-ah, uncle, is it you ?
Cau. Keep off ! how dare you approach me, you-are you not a pretty fellow ?
Tan. So the ladies say, sir.
Cau. And what do you say for yourself ?-A profess'd libertine ?
Tan. I say that I practise what I profess; which is more than you moralists can say.
Cau. Psha! and the world says you're a coxcoinb.
Tan. Damn the world, then, for making me one. How the devil can I help being a coxcomb, when I see a flattering fool, like myself, idolized, and modest worth despised ? Uncle, the temple of folly would soon be without votaries, had it not the world for its worshippers.
Cau. But, zonnds! did the world clap you on the woolsack ? did the world put you on an apron, or desire you to make another siege of Troy ?
Tan. Upon my soul, I'm ashamed of myself; but by future perseverence and diligence, I'll atone for my follies. Come, uncle, forgive the past--shake hands.
Cau. No-well-there--ay, Frank, persevere, and you may soon convert you air.built castle into a solid one of brick and mortar.
Tun. True; then every one will say, his character does not rest on the flimsy basis of hereditary worth, but on the noble exertion of talent.
Cau. That's well said.
Tan. Then I, with conscious dignity, will walk through my hall-my servants ranged on each side-I bend to them with ease, call my agent, and say to him, distribute a hundred pounds to-
Cau. Death and fury, you're at it again!
Cau. What will drive me mad. 'Sdeath! what is talent without the will and means to exert it? 'Tis Newton without his telescope, or Handel without his organ. Remember, this is your last, last warning ! (Exit, L.
Tan. He's certainly right : that Handel was a great man; and, though bereft of one sense, how amply was another gratified! For what can strike more gratefully on the heart, than hearing the honourable applause of an impartial public?
[Sits at the table, R. Enter Caustic cautiously, at the top of the stage, c.
Cau. I'll just take a peep, and see the effect my lecture has had.
Tan. Though Handel was blind, how I envy him his sensations, when, seated before an enraptured audience, he thus began, and charmed all hearts. [Shuts his eyes, and plays on the table.] Oh, charming ! bravo!
Cau. (Advancing to the front of him, and striking the table with his stick.) You villain! if ever I speak to you again, may I-I discard you for ever--for ever- and for ever!
[Exit hastily, P. Tan. Oh, confound this crack'd head! what a scrape have I got into.
Enter CLEMENTINA, R. Cle. (R.) Mr. Tangent! Cle. (c.) So, here's the wife he intends for Marry her, and doat on Julia. Sweet situation mine would be! I can very well fancy myself
Cle. Brute ! sir, my pa wishes to speak
Tan. I'll come to your pa. [Ruminating, and not looking at her.] No, Julia, I'll be only thine-I'll come to your pa.
Cle. This way, sir.
Tun. [Rising and following.) I'll come to your pa-l'll be only thine, my Julia-I'll come to your pa. [Follows Clementina to one side of the stage, and walks
out, absorbed in thought, at the opposite side.