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Tan. Ignorant prejudice! [Putting the apron round him.] By heavens! 'tis as honest an appendage,-ay, and of as much benefit to society, too, as many long robes I've seen! [Sits.] Tired to death of the courtseither as dull as a country church, or as vulgar as Billingsgate.
Enter Julia FAULKNER, C. D. F. Jul. I presume, sir, you belong here.
Tan. [With surprise.] I, ma'am! heavens, what an angel! Ma'am-no-[Looking at himself.] Oh, yesyes, ma'am-I belong to the shop. [Throwing away his hat.] What a lovely creature !
Jul. Is Mr. Richard at home ?
Tan. No, ma'am, Dicky has just stepp'd out, ma'am.Interesting beyond description !
Jul. Then I must trouble you for these articles.
Tan. [Runs behind the counter.] Proud to serve you, ma'am-just take down the day-book-now I shall know my angel's name and abode. To be sent, ma'am, to
[Writing in the day.book. Jul. There's something very extraordinary in this young man-sir, I'll send for them-good morning.
Tan. Sdeath! I shall lose her. Stop, ma'am-I beg pardon—but here are exactly the articles you want, ready packed, and I shall be happy in attending you home with them, ma'am, exceedingly happy.
Jul. His deportment and dress seem much above his situation. Sir, I can't think of troubling you.
Tan. Trouble, ma'am! Never above my business. I'll attend you.
Jul. But there is none to attend the [Exit, C. D. F.
Tan. Oh, ma'am, Dicky is only in the house. What shall I do for a hat! [Sees a small onc harging up, puts it on.] Ma'am, I'll follow you. Dicky, mind the shop, Dicky. Oh, an angel! What the devil have I got here? 'tis infernally heavy! I'll follow you, ma'am. Dicky, take care of the shop. (Exit, following Julia, M. D. Enter CLEMENTINA, R., her eyes fixed on the ground
and SHOPMAN. Cle. (c.) Mr. Tangent, your most obedient-I declare and vow-[Looks up, then at the Shopman.] Where's Mr. Tangent, fellow
Sho. I left him here, ma'am, with my apron.
Cle. Now whether this is shockingly vulgar, or extremely stylish, I've not the minutest atom of an idea. I dare say 'tis genteel.
Sho. (Grumbling aside.] Not to take my apron.
Cle. Oh! I'm sure 'tis fine breeding, for there's a certain brutality in high life that's enchanting. (Huzzı without.] What horrid yell is that?
Sho. (L.) 'Tis my master, the sheriff, miss, come from the show, huzza !
Cle. Silence, brute !
wiping his face, C. D. All. (c.) Thank God, 'tis over! I'd rather throw a hundred sugar-loaves into a cart than go through it again. Well, Cleme, how goes on the shop ? Cle. You know, papa, I hate the shop.
All. Oh, fie, Cleme! don't let me hear you say that again. You dog, is that the way to tie up a parcel ? [To Shopman, and gives a box on the ear.} Confound these trappings! Get me my apron, Cleme, will you?
Cle. I declare and vow, pa, your vulgarity horrifies me. Suppose you were to go to court with an address, and be knighted, would not your manners
All. Me knighted! Fiddlestick's end! When such chaps as I go to get dubb’d, if, instead of a sword, his majesty would but order one of his beef-eaters to lay a stick across our shoulders, it would be a hundred per cent. the better. '[A loud knocking at the door, ... Enter Sheriff's Servunt, dressed in the absurdity of lice,
large hut, &c., L. Ser. (R.) Maister! Cle. (c.) Mr. Sheriff, brute ! Ser. You see I bes dizen'd out in new livery, he, he ! Cle. Take off your hat, savage!
Ser. I canna, miss--man has stuck'n on so fast, he wiona come off-he, he!
All. Geoffry, 'tis hard to tell whether you or I look most ridiculous. Ser. Ecod! maister, I think you have it.
Cle. Who's at the door?
Ser. Wauns! I forgot. It be Maister Dashall, fra' Lunnun.
All. Oh, my friend Dashall! show him in. But let me get off these trappings—the Londoner will smoke me. [Pulls off his gown-Exeunt Servant and Shopman, L.
Enter DASHALL, L. Ah, Dashall, glad to see you! Ecod! you look comical, though. Why, Dick, either your head or mine must be devilishly out of fashion !
Das. Why, friend Toby, your's is more on the grand pas, to be sure: but very little head, you see, serves people of fashion. So! there's the thirty thousand pounder, I suppose.
I say, Toby, who is that elegant creature ?
All. 'Tis my daughter. Don't you remember Cleme? Das. [Addressing her.] You're an angel !
All. Go, Cleme, and look after the people. To-day ! give a grand-ga ga
Cle. Gala, pa! I've told you the name twenty times-
[Simpering Das. To distraction, dam'me! [Looking through a glass. Cle. I vow you confuse me in such a style! [Exit, R.
Das. Oh! I see that account's settled ; [Looking after her.] and now for the father.-Oh! how does it tell ?
[Looks at Allspice through a glass. Al. What, that's the knowing, is it? [Imituting
Das. To be sure. But, Toby, how did you come on at the courts ?
All. Oh! capitally : I made a speech.
All. Yes, I did. Sam Smuggle, you must know, was found guilty of taking a false oath at the custom-house; so the judge ordered me to put Sam in the pillory. “An please you, my lord judge,” says I, “ I'd rather not.”
Why so, Mr. Sheriff?" " Because, my lord,” says I, “ Sam Smuggle, no more than a month ago, paid me 371. 18s. 11d., as per ledger; and I make it a rule never to disoblige a customer." -Then they all laughed : so, you see, I came off pretty well.
Dus. Capitally. But a’n’t you tired of this sneaking retailing?
All. Oh, yes! sometimes of a Saturday-market-day.
Das. 'Tis a vile paltry bore. What do you make of this raffish shop of your's ?
All. Oh! a great deal-last year, 17451. odd money.
Das. Contemptible! my clerk would despise it. Why, in a single monopoly I've touched ten times the sum.
AU. Monopoly !
Das. To be sure the way we knowing ones thrive. You remember that on sugar--a first-rate thing, was it not?-distressed the whole town-made them take the worst commodity at the best price : netted fifteen thousand pounds by that,
All. Why, I turned the penny by that myself.
Das. Turned the pepny! be advised by me, and you shall turn thousands-ay, and overturn thousands.
All. Shall I, though? But did you sell all that sugar yourself.
Das. I sell! never saw a loaf. No, my way is this - I generally take my first clerk a-hunting with me; and when the hounds are at fault, we arrange these little matters.
All. How free and easy! oh! you must be gloriously rich.
Das. I won't tell yon my circumstances just now.
Das. I have. I'm very expensive in my women, though.
Ali, Ah! mothers and sisters extravagant?
Das. Mothers and sisters! no, no-curse me if I know how they carry on the war; take in the flats at faro, I suppose. No, I mean the girls.
All. What! not concubines, do you?
Das. To be sure. But perhaps you don't like the girls, eh?
All. Oh! but I do, though. I'll tell you a melancholy secret: do you know that people in the country are so precise, and talk so about character, that, my dear friend, in the particular you mentioned, I am a very unhappy man.
Das. Oh! is it there I have you ? Then come to town, my gay fellow! enjoy affluence and pleasure, and make a splash.
Ali. Ecod! I should like it. Even talking about it
gives me a kind of swaggering, agreeable feel: and then tie girls--the pretty profligates !
Dus. Ay, you shall have my Harriet.
All. Shall I? I'll do all I can to make her happy; yes, I will: and, if she likes almonds and raisins, she shall have
.Das. Almonds and raisins! pearls and diamonds !
Das. I'll make you up to all-Cons - Rescounters, snort stuff, bonus, backwardation, omnium gatherum
All. Ay; and what's being a lame duck ?
Dus. I'll show you the way to be that, too. I'll teach you the true waddle: and Harriet will adore you.
All. Oh! do you say so? I tell you what I'll do-I'll start gallant to-day-I'll make a splash among the ladies at my--what's the name on't?
Dus. Gala: but you must get rid of that porcupine frizzle. You must be cropped in this way.
All. Bless you, I've plenty of hair under my wig.
Das. That's lucky? (Aside.] So, I've got him pretty tight in hand.
All. You'll see how I'll ogle and swagger. Come a!ong. Oh! Toby's the boy to tickle them. (Exeunt, R.
SCENE III.-A Room in Faulkner's House.
Enter FAULKNER and MʻQUERY, R.
M'Que. Law and certainty! you really forget what you are talking about.
Fau. Most likely, for I am mad. [Walking about.
M'Que. I'm sorry for you, captain--indeed, I am; though I'm only an attorney, I'm
Enter CAUSTIC, R. D. Cau. Captain Faulkner, your most obedient: I called, sir, respecting—but you're engaged.
Fau. Pray, sir, be seated.
Cau. My business, sir, is of so little importance, either to you or myself, that-he seems agitated-I'll take ano