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And. Thank ye, zur.
Sir L. Mind-let nobody learn my name of you. And. I defy 'em-it's so plaguy long, I shall never learn it mysen.
Sir L. Here, now, [Putting his hand in his purse.] go you, and give this to my two postboys at the gate,-I paid for the chaise beforehand.
And. Ees, zur.
Sir L. Tell the rascals they crawled like a couple of flies in treacle. They would have had half-a-crown each for driving fast; but, now there's only a sevenshilling piece between 'em; and damn the rap more do they get.
And. [Aside and going.] He, he! if they'd ha' stood still, dang me if he wouldn't ha' given 'em half-a-guinea. [Crosses to R. Sir L. And, hark ye, what family has my lord left in e house?
And. There's na' but ould steward-Mrs. Glastonbury, the housekeeper-and I, zur.
Sir L. And who are you, you judy?
And. Andrew Bang, my lord's gamekeeper.
Sir L. You and I'll have a slap at my lord's partridges, Mr. Bang.
And. Be you a good shot, zur?
Sir L. A good shot! I'm an Irishman, you divel. And. Have they much practice that way, zur? Sir L. A pretty deal with a single ball, Mr. Bang. And. [Going.] Shoot partridges wi' a single ball! You ha' been used to shoot wi' a long bow, or I be plaguily mistaken. [Exit, R.
Sir L. I wonder is Mrs. Glastonbury pretty. A smart housekeeper is a mighty convenient article for an Irish gentleman, in an empty house; all alone, by himself. Oh, this old-fashioned man must be the steward.
Enter CARRYDOT, R., with spectacles on.
Is it Mr. Carry dot I'm talking to?
Car. (R.) I'm very sorry, sir, I wasn't at home to receive you.
Sir L. (c.) Short speeches, my dear creature, for we're upon business. Just run your spectacles over this small bit of a letter.
Car. 'Tis my lord's hand, I see.
Sir L. You may say that.
Car. [Opens the letter and reads.] "Mr. Carrydot, the bearer of this is my dear and intimate friend, Sir Lawrence M'Murragh, of-of Ballygrennanclonfergus."
Sir L. That's my estate in Ireland.
Car. You'll excuse me, Sir Lawrence, but I find it rather difficult to get through that name.
Sir L. Never you mind the name-I've found it mighty easy to get through the estate.
Car. [Reading on.] You will show the baronet every attention while he does me the honour to remain in my house. His situation requires secrecy, which you will scrupulously observe, if he condescends to place you in his confidence— "Your's, ALAMODE.”
Sir L. Now I'll place you in my confidence, ould gentleman, before you can throw sixes. The short and the long of the story is, I'm dished.
Car. Dished, Sir Larry! Pray, what is that?
Sir L. 'Faith, I'm always bothered at derivations; but, according to the most learned Greeks on the subject, 'tis agreed that dishing comes from dashing.
Car. I don't comprehend.
Sir L. Sure, 'tis as easy as nothing at all-only, when it happens in the city you're a duck; but at the west end of the town you're a pigeon.
Car. I protest I am still in the dark.
Sir L. This is it in the west, do you see :-Run to London, give grand dinners, and set your champagne going like whiskey.-Sport your carriages, belong to the clubs, lose to gamesters, borrow of Jews, bet upon boxers, keep a stud, keep a dolly.
Car. A dolly! Bless us, what is that?
Sir L. A sort of movable in a house, sometimes of mighty little use to the owner.-And so, you see, when you have completely overrun the constable, you must try to outrun the bailiff; and then you're dished, after the newest receipt of the present season.
"Car. I fear, Sir Lawrence, you may have been duped at play.
Sir L. Duped! What, Sir Larry M'Murragh !— Sure, and wasn't I ruined, at last, in the most honourable manner, by an intimate friend?
Car. Ruined in an honourable manner by an intimate friend? I can't conceive how that can be.
Sir L. That all comes of your ignorance of fashion
table life, Mr. Carrydot. 'Twas my friend, your own narural lord and master, that finished the job.
Car. Lord Alamode?
Sir L. His own dear self;-fair and easy, about six in the morning. The run had been against me pretty smart, and I grew desperate like. Will you set ten thousand, says I, against the remaining third of all the estate I have in the world at Ballygrennanclonfergus? With all my heart, Sir Larry, says my lord. Seven's the main, says I-throw, says he-crabs, says I-'tis mine, says he-then damn the luck on't, says I; for, heaven bless you! my bosom-friend, you have made me a beggar, like a man of honour as you are, all at a stroke Car. A stroke of thunder, I should think.
Sir L. Upon my soul, it was much more like an earthquake; for it swallowed up three thousand acres, and a great big family-house, before you could say shamrock. Car. I am sorry my lord should have done this.
Sir L. Indeed, and I sympathize with yourself: but rather he than another; for mind how friendly. Now I have won the last stick and guinea you have, my dear friend, says he, you'll want a house to be out of the way of your creditors. You are welcome to hide yourself at mine, in Yorkshire, till you can turn yourself about.
Gar. Did my lord, then, advise you to fly from them, Sir Larry ?
Sir L. Sure, and he did; for you can't beat it into their brains, that a man of honour must ruin twenty tradesmen sooner than not pay one man of honour who has ruined him. [Crosses.
Car. (c.) But I should hope, Sir Lawrence, that, with the assistance of friends, and the exercise of economySir L. (R. C.) Economy! Only look at that book. [Gives him a pocket-book.] See how methodical I was when I first went to London. All my expenses set down-only you'll see, at the bottom of a leaf, Í couldn't cast up the sum total.
Car. [Reading.] "To the sweeper of the crossing in Bond Steet, one shilling." This is methodical, indeed, Sir Lawrence.
Sir L. Oh! I was resolute to be mighty particular. Car. "To sundries-seven thousand pounds." That is not so mighty particular, Sir Larry.
Sir L. I was busy that day. I lump my expenses, now and then, when I'm bothered.
Car. To a collar for Lady,-half-a-guinea."
Sir L. A female of Dutch extraction-a pug, that belonged to me once, Mr. Carrydot. That's a cheap article.
Car. "To a diamond necklace for Eliza,-nine hundred pounds."
Sir L. A female, whose extraction I could never make out; but she belonged to me once, Mr. Carrydot. That article's a trifle dearer.
Car. A great deal, indeed!
They both ran away from "Who
me one day, and I advertised them the next. ever will bring Lady without a collar, or the necklace without the lady, shall be handsomely rewarded." Car. "Promised my tailor four hundred pounds." Is that to be put down as an actual expenditure, Sir Law rence?
Sir L. Sure and it is. Isn't a promise to a tailor fashionable payment all the world over?
Car. "Lost to my best and dearest friend, all I have in the world.".
Sir L. That's the end of my fashionable atlas for the year; and it saves a great deal of trouble in casting up the articles.
Enter ANDREW BANG, R., with bottles, bag, &c. And. I ha' pitched all your bundles out o' the chaise, zur, into our court-yard.
Car. The court-yard!
Why, there's a soaking
And. That's why I left 'em there, zur-I'll take 'em in the moment it's over, you may depend on it.
Sir L. Let him manage it. He's a careful person, I see. And. Ees, I be, zur. If I hadn't rummaged chaise, they'd ha' drove off wi' summut.
Sir L. Was it my little shaving-case?
And. Na;-'tware a little boy.
Car. Drove off with a little boy!
Sir L. By the powers! that's my man-servant. forgot him-clean and clever.
And. He was fast asleep, in a laced jacket, up in the
Sir L. And how did you wake him?
And. Why, Zur, first I pulled his nose; and then, says I, "zur, the compliments o' the sleeping season."
Sir L. But has he taken out the sparring-gloves, and the pistols, and the German flute, and Hoyle's Games, and the usquebaugh, and the rest of my credi
And. Here they all be, zur.
Sir L. By my soul, I levanted from London in such a hurry, I can't tell if one parcel is itself or another! What did he say is that thing like a wafer-box in your hand?
And. It's all your ready cash, Sir Larry.
Sir L. And what's that big bag at your back, you divel ?
And. Boy says it be all your unpaid tradesmen's bills, Sir Larry. Which room be the bag and the baronet to be put into, Mr. Carrydot?
Car. The blue chamber. Get a fire-see every thing arranged. [Exit Andrew, L.] Well, Sir Lawrence, every thing in my power to render my lord's house comfortable to you, it will be my duty to perform. I will go and give the housekeeper directions for your accommodation. [Going.
Sir L. You'll mind to sink my name in the neigbourhood, you know.
Car. Rely on my discretion, Sir Larry. I am as faithful to my lord's friends as to my lord himself.
Sir L. That you may be, and cheat 'em most confoundedly, steward-like. I'll be mighty dull in this house. The worst of us fine fellows of high style is when we are left by ourselves, we have hardly any resource, but Hoyle's Games, and a German flute.
Re-enter ANDREW BANG, L.
Have you a fire in my room yet, Mr. Bang?
And. I think so, zur; for it be plaguy full of smoke. Sir L. Hark ye, is that Mrs Glastonbury, your housekeeper, a smart sort of good-looking creature? And. He, he!-She be round and plump-like. Sir L. Plump? Well, well,-sure a person may be pretty for all that.
And. I know that, zur ;—I'se plump mysen.
Sir L. I think she may help me out in passing the time. I think I fancy her a neat, round inviting Yorkshire Hebe, that