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had after this ungrateful girl.-I have tolerable information, though, that she came into this house. [Apart. Bus. (R.) My old actor is commencing with a soliloquy -Servant, Sir.

Eld. Servant, Sir--your name, I understand, is Bustle?
Bus. Yes, I expected you-

Eld. O, then you know the affair I come about-serious business! Mr. Bustle.

Bus. Yes the serious business-you are willing to undertake it?

Eld. Sir! I have undertaken it.

Bus. (R.) Ready enough, however-Your name, Sir, is Berry?

Eld. Elderberry!

Bus. O, the elder Berry-how is your son,

Eld. Sir?-I never had a son, Sir.


Bus. A nephew, perhaps, or a younger brother-beg pardon-but where have you principally acted?

Eld. Sir?

Bus. I mean, where have you been?

Eld. [Apart.] Strange fellow, this; I fancy I have been principally in this neighbourhood, and have done a deal of


Bus. The very person I want-yet I don't recollect you -had you your own name in the bills?

Eld. To be sure, why do you ask? and I flatter myself in some pretty large bills too.

Bus. He must mean the posters, only he does not know how to express himself.

Eld. Now, Sir, to business

Bus. With pleasure.

Eld. No, I never let pleasure interfere with business.— You are aware, Sir, that Miss Mary Hardacre has arrived privately at your lodgings.

Bus. [Apart.] What can that be to him?—Yes.

Eld. Accompanied, as I have been informed, by Mr. Dulcet ?

Bus. [Aside.] Oh! I see, he is one of us-O, I had better tell him-I say, Berry

Eld. [Surprised.] Berry!

Bus. I'll let you into a secret, as you are now a party concerned-Ha ha! they have set off together from a plaguy old leather-headed guardian.

Eld. [Aside Leather-headed ?-My goodness!

Bus. And, ha! ha! he means to play with her to-mor ow night.

Eld. Dash it!-The devil he does?

Bus. Come, it is time now to ask for a specimen of your abilities that way.

Eld. I, Sir! Sir, I always abhorred the character of a seducer.

Bus. [Apart.] A humourist, I perceive! Ah, I understand, not accustomed to the lovers' parts-Ha! ha! What d'ye think of Justice Woodcock?

Eld. I have not the pleasure to know him-[Apart.] Dash his impudence!

Bus. What a very fine low-comedy mug you have!

Eld. This fellow is laughing at me! I'll astonish him a little-he spoke of some Justice I'll let him know I am one- -[To Bustle.]-I perhaps, Sir, have filled a Magistrate's chair, myself.

Bus. Don't doubt that, if you sat in it—had him there— [Apart.] O, the quiz means, he has played Sir Simon Rochdale in John Bull-I say, old Berry

Eld. Old Berry?

Bus. We are going to get up John Bull!

Eld. My goodness! what does he mean by getting up John Bull?-He will not understand me-Sir, I think I have a document in my pocket-book which will prove[Takes out his pocket-book-Bustle snatches it. Bus. Now Act 5th, Scene 2nd-now for a touch of honest Job Thornberry.-You are Sir Simon.

Eld. No, I'll be d-n'd if I am-odd's bobs!

Bus. Come, no nonsense! We'll suppose this "Burn's Justice"-you say, "How dare you take up that book." Eld. [Enraged.] How dare you take up that book ?— Bus. [Imitating.] "Because you laid it down”—Bravo! you are admirable as a testy old man-very well indeed! I think this will be a hit.

Eld. [Clenching his fist] A hit, yes, dash it, I think it will presently-impudent scoundrel-I

Bus. Stop-now don't gag too much-my dear Berry : put your venerable arms down for the present—you've come to the right place.

Eld. [Apart.] O, then perhaps she is here, after all. Bus. By way of compensation, Mr. Dulcet will make you a handsome remuneration.

Eld. Sir, I

Bus. Five guineas in your pocket will set all straight. Eld. Which of us two are out of our senses?

Bus. My dear Berry

Eld. My name is not Berry, but Elderberry.

Bus. Well then, Berry Senior, if you will have it sosit down for five minutes-nay, I insist-[Pushes him into a chair.] You shall have the money the moment the busiuess is concluded-I am going to Mr. Dulcet about it now -excuse me; and, as Daniel Dowlas says, I'll be back in the "twinkling of a bed-post." [Exit Bustle, hastily, R. Eld. My goodness! the strangest personage I ever met in my life I'd give a halfpenny, to comprehend the head and tail of all this!

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Mrs. WING recites within, L. D. in flat.

"And madly play with my forefather's joints,
"And pluck the mangled Tybalt from his shroud,
"And in this rage, with some great kinsman's bone,
"As with a club-dash out my desperate brains."

Eld. Dash it! what's that? "madly,"-brains-forefathers!-bones and jints !-My goodness! hollo, there!— hollo!


--Pray, my boy, my man, I mean, do you belong to this house?

Geo. (L. C.) Yes; and trouble enough I have in it. Eld. An't the inhabitants very funny sort of folks? Geo. Funny! To my thinking, they be all mad! Eld. (R. C.) Mad! I thought so, I thought so. [Alarmed.] This then is a receptacle for lunatics-a pretty place for my Mary!-I suppose you look after them.


[They stand face to face, looking at each other, c. Geo. If I didu't look arter them, they would look arter

Eld. My goodness!-what a job! To keep the house even in tolerable order, I presume you are obliged to use coercion.

Geo. Missus will have it kept in order, so we uses soft


Eld. [Aside.] A technical term for a good lathering - a pretty place for my Mary. I say, my boy, my man I mean, go down and ask the Governor

Geo. I don't know what you means-I'll send Missus. Eld. Fiddlestick's end!

Geo. Fiddlestick's what?

Eld. Go down and ask your Mistress, then, whether the lady who came an hour ago is still here.

Geo. O-yes-I'll go and ax-gemini cracks, if he isn't going to give me as much trouble as any of the others, after all. [Exit Geoffry, slowly, L. Eld. Mad! [Goes to the table on which are the stage properties, takes up chains.] What have we here?-Fetters! -poor devils! A whip! [Takes it up.] Cut and come again! [Looking at the iron grating, R. S. E.] What dreadful engine's that?--And here's a padlock, as large as a warming-pan!-dear, dear! and that must be Looking at the crash.]-that, though I never saw one-that must be a strait waistcoat. [Comes to front of stage] Dash it, though, if these people run about wild here, it is dangerous. But poor Mary is in this house, and perhaps does not know what a place it is. I hope I shall not meet any of these gentry; if I don't go away, I shall certainly swound away!

Enter WING, with a sheet of Music, R.; he crosses to L. Dash it- here's one of 'em. [Keeps a little up stage, L. Wing. [Apart.] O, here's the Composer, I dare say-I perceive he has marks of genius in his face, and music in his soul!

Re-enter GEOFFRY, L. crosses behind to speak to Elderberry. Geo. The lady that came an hour ago is still in the house. [Pointing to Mrs. Wing's room. Wing. [Apart to Geoffry] Geoffry, do you know whether that is a musical gentleman ?


Geo. May be so-he said summut about a fiddlestick just [Exit Geoffry, L. Wing. O, it must be the composer of my song. [Turns up the stage and sits, L. Eld. That fellow looks out of his wits, and has stuck himself just before her door-here's a pretty scrape!

Wing. [Aside.] Scrape, oh yes, it is the composer.—Sir, I beg your pardon-a little thing here-Sir, I wish to crave your assistance, as it is my earnest wish to escape without


Eld. [Crosses to R.] Escape-eh!

Wing. And if you would give me an idea of these barsEld. Bars!

Wing. As I feel rather confined. [Advances on Eld. R. Eld. It is as I suspected-keep off, I'll have nothing to do with you.

Wing. Sir, allow me to request-

Eld. Stand off! [Flourishing his stick, & driving Wing to L. Wing. Why, pray, sir, are you not a composer ?

Eld. (R) Compose yourself. Wing Impossible-I cannot-but I must insist upon singing this song to you-if I am incorrect, you can check me. Eld. [Aside.] Sing!-Well he can't sing and bite at the same time, so I must listen to his lunatic screeching!—Sir, I attend to you.

Wing. I have to beg your indulgence-for singing before such a musical genius has thrown me quite in a twitter. Eld. [Apart.] Poor devil!


When Cupid was made first lord of the heart, A place which he held o'er us mortals below, With tyrannical rod of hard iron—a dart, He rul'd, and 'twas no sinecure, we all know. The sly little Minister's wit was well train'd, Tho' Caution oppos'd every motion he brought, Yet Cupid the best of the argument gain'd, And so many Ayes for him, made the Noes nought. QUINTETTO.-Wing, Bustle, Elderberry, Mary, & Dulcet. Eld. A very good song,

Enter BUSTLE, L.

Bus. And very well sung.

Enter DULCET and MARY, R.

Dul. and Mary. Now let us depart.

Eld. Hey?

Bus. [To Dui. and Mary.] Hush! hold your tongue! Wing. "When Cupid was first made lord of the heart." Eld. Stop the song-there's enough

Dul. and Mary. How shall we depart ?

Bus. Now must I contrive to get them safe out,

For, zounds! it's the guardian!-O, here'll be a rout!

Wing." But Cupid the best of the argument gain’d.” Eld. Curse the song

Bus. Let me see, can disguise be obtain'd,

Mary. How plaguing! we're caught?

Dul. O what a surprise!

[Bustle, taking up two cloaks off chair on L.

Bus. I must endeavour to throw this disguise!

[Bustle throws two cloaks, which hang on one of the chairs, to Dulcet, and motions to Wing again, to employ the attention of Elderberry.]

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