LIVESTOCK IN BARRACKS.

IX.-Cows.

in the band, and when we investigated brigade's beef ration, while Private Pull-
the other allotments we found that through was laid out for ten minutes by
only one of them was at present held an upper-cut from an over-size tail.
by a member of the band at all, and
that only because a pet dog was buried
there.

THE trouble began on the regimental allotments. Close to our barracks is a railway, and close to the railway are several little patches of garden owned The Adjutant therefore took steps by the regiment. Tradition has it that and abolished private ownership withthese allotments belong to the members out compensation, and took over the of the band and were given them in the allotments in the name of the communearly days of our sojourn here, presum-ity. Then he had them planted with ably to amuse them in their spare time vegetables for the use of the troops' or at least to prevent them practising cook-house. hymns for Sunday church-parade. There are few things more disorganising to company-drill than a band very much within earshot practising "Art thou weary, art thou languid ?

For some while these allotments were a hive of industry; after that they be came an infernal nuisance. To begin with, company-commanders never knew whether, when a bandsman mentioned the word, he was speaking of an allowance of ten shillings per week to his wife or his "little bit o' garden." This of course led to confusion and angry letters from soldiers' wives. Also the system of land-tenure was rather lax, as we discovered when the railway company complained one day, in the verbose way that railway companies have, that vegetation on their permanent-way was impeding the rapidity of their trains, and that

At this point the cows entered into the story and the real trouble began. The cows belonged to a small farmer, who grazed them in a field on the other side of the railway. On two occasions already they had crossed the line and entered our allotments, now under the Adjutant's ægis, whereupon he had

The animals were then impounded in a spare loose-box next the Colonel's stable. Hearing of this, by the way, Private Butt from the cook-house instantly got together a party of cooks' mates, and, armed with mess-tins, firebuckets and empty beer-bottles, they set off on a milking expedition, during which Private Barrel, who was both short-sighted and town-bred, got badly kicked by the Colonel's charger.

At mid-day the Adjutant got a note from the farmer demanding the release of his cows. This demand he refused. He said he had given due warning of his intention to impound, and that the cows were now under military discipline until "replevied." He also for our Adjutant

is like that-attached a map showing in detail the presumed track of the cows into the allotments, beginning at the point in the field where they had advanced in column of cows from the right and ending at the point in the allotments where they had at the halt on the right formed cow.

The farmer ignored the subtler points of this communication. He merely replied that he wanted his cows back. To the Adjutant he thus showed himself a man of one idea and totally unable to conduct a correspon

the vegetation in question had been re- solemnly warned the owner that if they | dence on official military lines. He hadn't ported to emanate from the military came again they would be impounded. even "acknowledged receipt of map hereallotments bordering the track. In- One morning, a week later, the Adju- with." So the Adjutant opened a file quiries by the Adjutant at last traced tant, on his way to the office, noticed called "BX/423/2. Cows-unauthorised this particular nuisance to Private Trig them once again on Government allot- entry of into Allotments," and spent ger's nasturtiums. Now Private Trigger ments. They were festooned with run- the afternoon composing another letter does not belong to the band, never has ner beans, and one cow was wearing a to his opponent on the subject of mubelonged to the band and, in the general vegetable-marrow on the left horn, and tinous fauna, "replevin," rations in consensus of unbiassed opinion, never looked rather raffish. He immediately bulk and destruction of military prowill belong to the band. Also Private summoned Sergeant Grenade, the or-perty, ending up in the best tradition Trigger comes from the East-End of derly-sergeant, and said, "Go and im- by asking for his remarks, please.. London, and the idea is that he doesn't pound those cows.' Sergeant Grenade He got them all right. About a page, know what a garden is, except as a re-saluted and said, "Very good, Sir," in ceptacle for bottles and newspapers.

a

many of them wrongly, though forcibly, knowing manner. Having then asked spelt. The tirade ended with a claim So, when the nasturtiums had been Sergeant-Major Magazine what the for milk alleged to have been stolen and abated, inquiries as to the origin of his word "impound "meant, and learnt that drunk by soldiers during the cows' inownership were set on foot, and it was it was something between "Detention" carceration. This the Adjutant hotly discovered that he had won this allot- and "Confined to Barracks," he col- denied in a note sent late that night. ment off a friend, who had bought it lected a party of men with sticks. He admitted that there were many from another friend, who had swapped After a most exciting chase to the things a soldier would steal, but milk for ... Well, when we had traced it through strains of the "Toreador Chorus," the drinking purposes was unlikely to be one five owners we began to wonder whether cows were rounded up, not without some of them. He also put in a counter-claim we wouldn't find the original holder casualties to the impounding party, for sundry vegetables consumed or dammentioned in Domesday Book. Not Lance-Corporal Pouch having been se- aged (including one part-worn vegeone of these consecutive proprietors was verely trodden on by what he called a table-marrow).

.

"OH, MUMMY, DON'T LET'S COME HERE! I DON'T WANT MY HAIR CUT WITH A LITTLE ROUND HOLE IN THE MIDDLE!"

"It's a wonderful thing," she said with a touch of excitement in her manner, "to find oneself so popular, sought after, desired."

"Isn't it?" I agreed. "I know I have always found it so-always."

we say, 'There's another.' And it is. Why, dinners and lunches are given simply that they may be an excuse for inviting us to them."

"Do you accept them all?"

"Not even summer-time," she sighed, can provide two dinner hours in one day. But wherever we do go it is always the same-people crowd round us, want to be introduced, give us their best smiles."

.

"It sounds," I said, "almost like being a taxi-man on a wet night." "Oh," she protested, hurt, "we aren't a bit haughty about it."

Early next morning the cows were released unconditionally. The Adjutant when questioned replied in a stiff "Are you popular?" she asked, alparliamentary manner that circum- most as if something had surprised her. stances had arisen which made such a "At any rate I was once," I assured line of conduct desirable, but that it was her. "It was when people got to know not to the public interest to disclose the I wanted to buy a good second-hand car. reason. The circumstances, it trans- They sought me out from the furthest pired later, were that the farmer con-extremity of the Cromwell Road. Of cerned was the regular purveyor of milk course, when they knew I couldn't pay to Mrs. Adjutant, and indeed to all the cash ladies of the officers' married quarters, "Oh, that's quite different," she said including the Colonel's wife. with a touch of disdain in her manner. "Do people come into fortunes?" "We aren't buying anything. On the she asked dreamily. "At any rate we contrary we have something to sell-don't. But people will tell me of their perhaps."

The Adjutant was not on speaking terms with any of them for a long while, and is still prejudiced both against feminine interference in military matters and against cows, farmers, sutlers and all other camp-followers. A. A.

Cadaverous Optimism.

"WANTEDA Protestant Undertaker preferably a Methodist for a wonderful business opportunity in a growing health center in California. Unique opportunity. Write for information."-California Church Paper.

"That is quite different," I admitted. "Selling things makes no man popular, as I found out once when I tried to sell a second-hand car. People made a desolation round me and called it Safety First.""

"Well, people search us out," she said. "Invitations rain upon us by every post, and when the phone rings

"What has happened?" I asked. "Have you come into a fortune I hadn't heard about?"

most secret dressmakers and even sometimes about their own special methods of getting thinner. Tom says he finds it quite embarrassing. Men he hasn't seen for years stop him in the street to tell him how well he's looking, and letters come to remind him how the writers were introduced to him seventeen years ago in a Swiss hotel. He says that even in his club there are one

Frank
Reynolds

Daughter. "OH, NO, DARLING; BUT I'M TO HELP TO DRESS ONE."

or two of the other members who speak because he always does, and so does to him now.

"

"Oh, come," I protested. "Well, they do," she insisted. "You'll tell me next," I smiled, "that he gets handed the evening paper the moment he comes in, and has only to look at the arm-chair he wants to have it offered him on the spot."

you

have

APPLE-BLOSSOM.

everyone else. Or is it that
heard of the ideal flat to let at a Cinderella, in rags withal,
moderate rent and don't want to tell?"

"The ideal flat at a moderate rent,"
she repeated. "My dear man, this is
real life, not a fairy tale."

"Then it must be," I decided, forced to it, "that you are being loved for your

She nodded. "Yes, it's like that," own sakes alone." she said simply.

"You'll both be getting your heads turned," I told her severely.

"Don't you think," she asked, "that often it improves a person's character when they find themselves appreciated at last, really understood, when it seems as if everyone around them really wanted to be nice?".

"Perhaps," I admitted. "That is, if. it is for yourself alone," I added, I trust not suspiciously. "You are sure you haven't come into a fortune?".

"Oh, quite; we should be certain to have heard if we had."

"And there's nothing you want to buy, and it can't be that Tom knows a really sure thing for the next big race,

It is what we think ourselves," she admitted modestly.

"Only," I asked, "what is it you have to sell? Is it extraordinarily cheap?

"Oh, no, just the ordinary price," she assured me- "the same price as everywhere else. Besides, you remember you said yourself that people who want to sell are never popular.

"No, but," I insisted, "what is it you actually have to sell?

"

"Oh, only," she answered negligently, "a few tickets for the Stock Exchange Derby sweepstake."

"Do you think," I asked earnestly, "if I took a taxi to the City I could catch Tom before he leaves the office, or had I better go straight to the club?" E. R. P.

Stood where the apple-bloom would fall.

"Shake, little tree," said Cinderella, "And dress me up for the palace ball.'

For the blossoms came floating, flutter-
Well might the Ugly Sisters frown,

ing down,

All in kindness to Cinderella,

And made her the most enchanting

gown.