LIVESTOCK IN BARRACKS. VIII. THE RETURN OF PACKDRILL THE PARROT.

LAST week I told you about Private Muzzle's green parrot, Packdrill, a bird of foul mind and evil tongue, who for some days roamed scurrilously through our barracks. I also told you of his flight to the next battalion, who, being traditional enemies, expressed delighted approval of his scandalous confidences about our officers. But I didn't tell you that he returned.

Well, he did. It seems that the officers of the 1st Blankshires spent two days teaching him the phrase, "Condemned Greatcoats!" in various tones of offensive amusement, vituperatory sarcasm and shocked incredulity. After which they had him conveyed secretly into Our Officers' Mess to deliver his message by word of beak.

RUDYARD KIPLING once wrote that certain phrases, spoken into the barracks of certain regiments, would bring the men out with belts and mops and bad language. He was quite right; though in the old days, of course, it used to be remarks like "'Oo lost the colours in 1854?" or "What about your attack at Isandlaagtefontein?" Nowadays, however, since the experience of the Great War, there has sprung up a new generation of officers and men possessing a different sense of values and agreeing with the poet that

"Greatcoats are more than bayonets
And daily food than mud and
blood; "

or, as the book puts it, "The
value of ancillary troops in
campaigns, which consist
largely of periods of position
warfare, cannot be underestimated."

denly croaked out "Condemned Great- to the Blankshires, beginning, I believe,
coats! it produced the same sort of with "I am in receipt of your impertin-
effect as would favourable mention of ent parrot of even date. . . ." Lieutenant
Mr. BALDWIN in one of the best Moscow Swordfrog, who is over-enthusiastic,
salons. Everyone reached for the nearest telephoned to the guard-room to say
weapon and glared angrily about, foam- that the sentry was to arrest and detain
ing at the mouth. Packdrill the parrot all unauthorised green parrots seen on
was then discovered clinging to the or near his beat. Everyone was filled
picture-rail and preening himself in a with the utmost determination. It was
deliberately offensive manner.
generally felt that, should Packdrill
Apparently observing that he was start touring the barracks with his war-
now noticed, he looked up, remarked cry, it would take several armoured cars,
wearily to the Colonel, "Closin' time ambulance-vans, military police and
now reely, gentlemen, please!" and took Garrison Orders to separate our men
flight. Everyone hit out, and everyone and the Blankshires.

Captain Bayonet brought a landing-net; Lieutenant James had secured a tin of what he called parrot-lime, but which turned out to be simply treacle and glue in equal quantities; Holster had an enormous bag of mixed nuts of an early vintage and of various unexpected shapes.

Packdrill watched these preparations from an adjacent tree, Occasionally using the forbidden phrase and occasionally exhorting the party to "ME-EWVE tothe-Roight-in FOUAH" in a good imitation of Sergeant-Major Magazine's very-early-morningparade voice.

Under Bayonet's able generalship the attack was launched. James was deputed to parrotlime all probable perches in the neighbourhood, and to do it in such fashion that Packdrill would be unlike'y to notice. This he achieved so thoroughly that few other people noticed either. In fact one was only discovered yesterday by the Adjutant, who had to have the bough sawn off before he could move his hand. Holster distributed his mixed nuts as bait near these perches and all over missed, except Lieutenant Holster, who the lawn; and Bayonet gave himself a The phrase, Condemned Great- scored an unintended outer on Cap-roving commission with the landingcoats," therefore, which to you may tain and Quartermaster Ledger's ample net. Swordfrog stood by with a sack seem perfectly innocent if not childishly person, a thing which it is not difficult and a toasting-fork. domestic, has for us a deeper signi- to do at any time. Packdrill, with a The first phase of the attack was not ficance. We are in fact just as sensi- final "Condemned Greatcoats," pre- very successful. Waiting till Bayonet tive about it as if it had been something fixed by a malevolent oath, winged out and his net had climbed nearly up to about Isandlaagtefontein. I can't pos- of the door and took up station in a him, Packdrill flew down on to the lawn, sibly tell you the full story here in tree outside, where he began to cast selected a ripe nut and repaired with it public; it has to do with our Quarter- aspersions, taught him the previous to the mess-roof, even as Swordfrog master being given a lot of condemned week by Private Muzzle, on the char- made a swoop at him with his sack, greatcoats instead of new ones, while acter of the Regimental Sergeant-Major. after the manner of an earnest but unthe Quartermaster of the Blankshires, skilled retiarius. All Swordfrog sucwho had just stood him a drink, got ceeded in doing was to upset the parrotaway with.... However, it is all too lime tin over James's foot. painful.

Anyway, you can understand that, when just after lunch a sepulchral voice from the ante-room ceiling sud

A phase of great activity supervened. The Colonel said briefly through his teeth and The Morning Post, "See to it!" and Captain Bayonet at once ordered After this set-back there was a pause a capture-party to fall in outside. The for quiet consideration, broken only by Adjutant, knowing who was responsible, Bayonet trying to get down the tree departed to his office to write a stiff note and Packdrill dealing disgustingly with

Husband. "JUST COME UP IN THE TRAIN WITH THAT FELLOW TUBBARD. HE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING THAT HIS WIFE SEEMS TO BE GROWING SO OLD; DASHED BAD FORM, I THINK. COULDN'T STICK IT ANY LONGER, AND TOLD HIM STRAIGHT OUT, I ALWAYS SAW YOU AS YOU USED TO BE, THANK GOD!"

66 DARLING, DO GO AND ASK UNCLE JOHN TO DANCE WITH YOU. IT'S SO GOOD FOR HIM." 'OH, MUMMY DEAR, I AM SO SICK OF DANCING UNCLE JOHN'S WEIGHT DOWN."

THE LIGHT THAT NEARLY FAILED.

MRS. BUDGET (to Poet). "THERE, SIR! I'VE DECIDED AFTER ALL NOT TO CHARGE YOU NOTHINK EXTRA FOR YOUR MIDNIGHT OIL."