Cains. Ay, dat is very good! excellent! Host. Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions, and the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest? my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the noverbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so :Give me thy hand, celestial; so. - Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn :Follow me, lad of peace; follow, follow, follow. Shal. Trust me, a mad host :-Follow, gentlemen, follow. Slen. O, sweet Anne Page! [Exeunt SHAL. SLEN. PAGE, and Host. Caius. Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make a de sot* of us? ha, ha! Eva. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog.t-1 desire you, that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together, to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter. Caius. By gar, vit all my heart; he promise to bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me too. Eva. Well, I will smite his noddles:-Pray SCENE II. - The Street in Windsor. Mrs. Page. Nay, keep your way, little gal- Enter FORD. Ford. Well met, mistress Page : Whither go you? Mrs. Page. Truly, Sir, to see your wife: Is she at home? Ford. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company: I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. Mrs. Page. Be sure of that, -two other husbands. Ford. Where had you this pretty weathercock? Mrs. Page. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of: What do you call your knight's name, sirrah? Rob. Sir John Falstaff. Ford. Sir John Falstaff! Mrs. Page. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a league between my good man and he!-Is your wife at home, indeed? Ford. Indeed, she is. Mrs. Page. By your leave, Sir;-I am sick, till I see her. [Exeunt Mrs. PAGE and ROBIN. Ford. Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces-out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. * Fool + Flouting stock. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind!- Enter PAGE, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Shal. I must excuse myself, master Ford. Slen. And so must I, Sir; we have appointed to dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of. Shal. We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer. Slen. I hope, I have your good-will, father Page. Page. You have, master Slender; I stand wholly for you :-but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. Caius. Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me; my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush. Host. What say you to young master Fenton ? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holyday, he smells April and May: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't. Page. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and Poins; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way. Ford. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster.-Master doctor, you shall go ;-so shall you, master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. Shal. Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing at master Page's. [Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER. Caius. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. [Exit RUGBY. Host. Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [Exit Host. Ford. [Aside.] I think, I shall drink in pipewine first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? All. Have with you, to see this monster. [Exeunt Mrs. Ford. Marry, as I told you before, John, and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and (without any pause, or staggering,) take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch, close by the Thames' side. Mrs. Page. You will do it? Mrs. Ford. I have told them over and over; they lack no direction: Be gone, and come when you are called. [Exeunt Servants. Mrs. Page. Here comes little Robin. Enter ROBIN. Mrs. Ford. How now, my eyas-musket?t what news with you? Rob. My master Sir John is come in at your back-door, mistress Ford; and requests your company. Mrs. Page. You little Jack-a-lent, have you been true to us? Rob. Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not of your being here; and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he swears, he'll turn me away. Mrs. Page. Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I'll go hide me. Mrs. Ford. Do so :-Go tell thy master, I am alone. Mistress Page, remember you your [Exit ROBIN. cue. Mrs. Page. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. [Exit Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Ford. Go to then; we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watry pumpion;-we'll teach him to know turtles from jays. Enter FALSTAFF. Mrs. Ford. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. Fal. What made me love thee? let that persuade thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Conie, Come, I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds, that come like women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklers-bury * in simpletime; I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it. Mrs. Ford. Do not betray me, Sir; I fear, you love mistress Page. Fal. Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by the Countert-gate; which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. Mrs. Ford. Well, heaven knows, how I love you; and you shall one day find it. Fal. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind. Rob. [within.] Mistress Ford, mistress Ford { here's mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. Fal. She shall not see me; I will ensconce ‡ me behind the arras.§ tling woman.Mrs. Ford. Pray you, do so; she's a very tat[FALSTAFF hides himself. Enter Mistress PAGE and ROBIN. What's the matter? how now? Mrs. Page. O mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, you are overthrown, you are undone for ever. Mrs. Ford. What's the matter, good mistress Page? Mrs. Page. O well-a-day, mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! Mrs. Ford. What cause of suspicion? Mrs. Page. What cause of suspicion?-Out upon you! how am I mistook in you? Mrs. Ford. Why, alas! what's the matter? Mrs. Page. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman, that, he says, is hero now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: You are undone. Mrs. Ford. Speak louder.-[Aside]-'Tis not Fal. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough; this is the period of my ambition: Oso, I hope. this blessed hour! Mrs. Ford. O sweet Sir John! Fal. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the best lord, thee my lady. I would make Mrs. Ford. I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady. Fal. Let the court of France show me such another; I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: Thou hast the right arched bent of the brow, that becomes the ship-tire, the tirevaliant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. Mrs. Ford. A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither. Fal. Thou art a traitor to say so: thou would'st make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait, in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune thy foe were not; nature is thy friend: Come, thou canst not hide it. Bleachers of linen. + A young small hawk. A puppet thrown at in Lent, like shrove-cocks. Venetian fashions. Mrs. Page. Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you : If you know yourself clear, why I am glad of it: but if you have a here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. Mrs. Ford. What shall I do?-There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound, he were out of the house. Mrs. Page. For shame, never stand you had rather, and you had rather; your husband's here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me!-Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: Or, it is whitingtime, send him by your two men to Datchet mead. Formerly chiefly inhabited by druggists + Prison, ‡ Hide. Tapestry. || Bleacking time, Mrs. Ford. He's too big to go in there: rion, mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his What shall I do? Re-enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't! I'll in, I'll in;-follow your friend's counsel;-I'll'in. Mrs. Page. What! Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? Fal. I love thee, and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here; I'll never [He goes into the basket; they cover him with foul linen. Mrs. Page. Help to cover your master, boy: Call your men, mistress Ford:---You dissembling knight! Mrs. Ford. What, John, Robert, John! [Exit Robin; Re-enter Servants.] Go take up these clothes here, quickly; Where's the cowlstaff?* look, how you drumble: carry them to the laundress in Datchet mead; quickly, come. Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it.-How now? whither bear you this? Serv. To the laundress, forsooth. Mrs. Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buckwashing. Ford. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, Thave dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox:-Let me stop this way first :-So, now uncape.‡ men. [Exit. Page. Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. Ford. True, master Page.-Up, gentlemen; you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentleEva. This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies. Caius. By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is not jealous in France. Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. [Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS. Mrs. Page. Is there not a double excellency in this? Mrs. Ford. I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John. Mrs. Page. What a taking was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket! Mrs. Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal; I would, all of the same strain were in the same distress. Mrs. Ford. I think, my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. Mrs. Page, I will lay a plot to try that: And we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this me dicine. Mrs. Ford. Shall we send that foolish car* A staff for carrying a large tub or basket. + Drone † Unbag the fox, What. throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment? Mrs. Page. We'll do it; let him be sent for to-morrow eight o'clock, to have amends. Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Ford. I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass. Mrs. Page. Heard you that? Mrs. Ford. Ay, ay, peace:-You use me well, master Ford, do you ? Ford. Ay, I do so. Mrs. Ford. Heaven make you better than your thoughts ? Ford. Amen. Mrs. Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, master Ford. Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it. Eva. If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgement! Caius. By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies. Page. Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not have your distemper in this kind, for the wealth of Windsor Castle. Ford. 'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it. Eva. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. Caius. By gar, see 'tis an honest woman. Ford. Well;-I promised you a dinner :Come, come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you, why I have done this. Come, wife ;come, mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me. Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush: Shall it be so? Eva. In your teeth: for shame. Ford. Pray you go, master Page. Eva. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the lousy knave, mine host. Caius. Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart. Eva. A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his mockeries. [Exeunt. SCENE IV. - A Room in PAGE'S House. Enter FENTON, and Mistress ANNE PAGE. Fent. I see, I cannot get thy father's love; Therefore, no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. Anne. Alas! how then? Fent. Why, thou must be thyself. He doth object, I am too great of birth; And that, my state being gall'd with my ex Anne. May be, he tells you true. come! Quick. This is my doing, now;-Nay, said I, will you cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on master Fenton :-this is my doing. Fent. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night Slen. Ay, that I will, come cut and long- Give my sweet Nan this ring: There's for thy tail, under the degree of a 'squire. Shal. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. Anne. Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself. Shal. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you. Anne. Now, master Slender. Slen. Now, good mistress Anne. Slen. My will? od's heartlings, that's a pretty Jest, indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. Anne. I mean, master Slender, what would you with me? Slen. Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you: Your father, and my uncle, have made motions: if it be my luck, so: if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go, better than I can: You may ask your father; here he comes. Enter PAGE and Mistress PAGE. Page. Now, master Slender:-Love him, daughter Anne.Why, how now! what does master Fenton here? A proverb-a shaft was a long arrow, and a bolt, a thick short one. + Come, poor or rich, + Lot. pains. [Exit. Quick. Now heaven send thee good fortune! A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my master had mistress Anne; or I would master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would master Fenton had her: Í will do what I can for them all three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses; What a beast am I to slackt it? [Exit. SCENE V.-A Room in the Garter Inn. Fal. Bardolph, I say,- Fal. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't. [Exit BARD.] Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal; and to be thrown into the Thames? Well; if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out, and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse‡ ighted they would have drowned a bitch's blind puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and you may know * Specially; as + Neglect. + Pity: by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been, when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy. Re-enter BARDOLPH, with the wine. Bard. Here's mistress Quickly, Sir, to speak with you. Fal. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallowed snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. Bard. Come in, woman. Enter Mrs. QUICKLY. Quick. By your leave; I cry you mercy: Give your worship good-morrow. Fal. Take away these chalices:* Go brew me a pottle of sack finely. Bard. With eggs, Sir? Fal. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.- [Exit BARD.]-How now? Quick. Marry, Sir, I come to your worship from mistress Ford. Fal. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough: I was thrown into the ford: I have my belly full of ford. Quick. I will tell her. Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell, that ever offended nostril. Ford. And how long lay you there? Fal. Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchetlane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three severa. deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed like good the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head: and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that, a man of my kidney, think of that; that am as subject to heatas butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that;-hissing hot,-think Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st of that, master Brook. thou? Quick. Eight and nine, Sir. Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. Quick. Peace be with you, Sir! [Exit. Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent me word to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes. Enter FORD. Ford. Bless you, Sir! Fal. Now, master Brook? you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife? Ford. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her house the hour she appointed me. Ford. And how speed you, Sir? Fal. Very ill-favouredly, master Brook. Ford. How so, Sir? Did she change her determination? Fal. No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto, her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. * Cups. Ford. In good sadness, Sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more. Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master Brook. Ford. 'Tis past eight already, Sir. Ful. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a, dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and buckbaskets!-Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house: he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the * Bilboa, where the best blades are made. Make myselt reads. |