Page images
PDF
EPUB
[graphic][ocr errors][ocr errors][subsumed]

CAUGHT AT LORD'S.
Cambridge Swell. “ Aw, POBLIO SCHOOLS' MATCH! AW, NEVAR WAS AT ONE BEFORE ! Not so BAD !”
Stumpy Oxonian. “ OURS IN MINIATU-ARE! OURS IN MINIATU-ARE ! !”

1

Painters, architects, and sculptors, landscape gardeners,-one and all,
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

On whose arts and occupations he has let his vitriol fall-
" It is generally supposed that another vacancy will be created, ere long, All who seek to clothe the bareness of this Babylon of brick,
on the Treasury Bench. The option,

it is said, has been presented to MR. And mask ugliness with beauty, if but skin-deep and inch thickAYRTON of a foreign appointment, lucrative in pay and important in cha- Sursum corda! AYRTON's going! From the Board he's to be pulled, racter.”London Correspondent of the Manchester Guardian.

Where, square peg round hole misfitting, what he meddled with he
Let me draw my breath a moment! There the happy tidings are !

mulled ;
Is it true? No mere club, let's hope, or mere smoking-room canard. Where an owl of penny-wisdom and pound-foolishness he ruled,
Is the Noble Savage going, from the realm where wild he ran, Scoffed at things beyond his vision, and his betters snubbed and
Rending artists, ruffling Members, unendurable to man ?

schooled.
Happy Clerks, fling up your beavers ; Sec and Under-sec be gay; Even Lowe hath taken pity: had not he too felt the pain ?
Meekly, Messengers, make merry, as his shadow rolls away:

Even GLADSTONE has admitted all cheese paring is not gain :
Blighted Arts, spring up, rejoicing, in the hope of better days; That candle-ends may cost too much in the shape of row and raw:
Smooth, M.P.'s, the ruffled feathers 'twas his privilege to raise ! That you may pay too dear for brass, and concede too much to jaw.
Only, THWAITES, wail a Philistine worthy of thy Board of Works : But while singing, Oh, be joyful” for our own and London's sake,
Lower even than its LOWMAN*, more a Tartar than its Turks : Let us think of the poor wretches our cast burden doomed to take !
Cunninger “how not to do it," than the most do-nothing there Well for us who have the blessedness of seeing AYRTON go,
Scorning taste, and showing temper, in the shade of THWAITES's Woe to them, upon whom he comes-be they Whites or Niggers-
chair.

Woe!
Artists, whom he snubbed and sat on; deputations, whom he riled-
Questioners of , Friday questions, on whose heads his scorn he

Union Promoted in Ireland.
piled.
All who in the House of Commons had to face his vicious fling-

ALREADY the result of the policy of conciliation which we have All whom, out of it, his joy was on their marrow-bones to bring

pursued towards Catholic Ireland is seen in the development of Green

Orangeism. This is a hopeful symptom. It warrants the most sanAll to whom he has imputed meaner motives than they knew

guine expectation that, by perseverance in the same generous course, All on whom he has cast insult, where his best respect was due

we shall at last succeed in uniting all classes of our Irish fellow All whom he has rubbed against the hair, and asked to kiss the rod- subjects-not, let us trust, against ourseives. All whose raws he has cayenned; all on whose corns he has trod

* See the words of MR. LOWMAN TAYLOR in the discussions of the A GREAT AUTHORITY.- MRS. RAMSBOTHAM (MRS. MALAPROP'S Metropolitan Board of Works, passim. Th gentleman may be the friend), who was brought up in the country, blames the farmers greatly AYRTON of Spring Gardens.

for not irritating their lands more.

[graphic][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

MASTER FORSTER.,“ PLEASE, MÖM, I'VE DONE IT, M'M!”
SCHOOLMISTRESS (BRITANNIA). “AND HOW HAVE YOU DONE IT, WILLIAM ?”

MASTER FORSTER. "PLEASE, MÖM, I'VE REDUCED ALL THE FRACTIONS TO THE LOWEST COMMON
DENOMINATION.”
SCHOOLMISTRESS. “ GOOD BOY! GO UP!

[The Good Boy enters the Cabinet.

As to Lille and Ghent, this being previous to the Great Boompje THE BOOMPJE PAPERS.

declaration at Rotterdam, suffice it to record the following facts :

That being interested in the town of Lille, Gooch asks BUND, who 00CH, when on French soil, is very much annoyed at being passes it on to the Secretary, if Lille wasn't a very celebrated city. taken for anything else but a

The Secretary replies, Yes.

Gooch asks what for?
Frenchman. Indeed this is
Gooch's peculiarity every- who thinks it was something to do with wars, but he will tell Jömp to

The Secretary passes this back to Bund the Commodore eating ices, desire when in Holland to be get his Murray out of the fly. Gooch implores him not to : he says thought a Dutchman, but he it's so touristy : so English. Ask the waiter.

The waiter doesn't know that Lille is particularly celebrated for is immensely pleased when the Dutch waiters address anything: except perhaps the shop where he is, and its ices. him as “Moshoo," and flat

· Fortifications ! ” suggests Secretary ters himself that there isn't

, ” a trace of the Britannice Three Cations," returns the waiter, shrugging his shoulders Islander in him. In Holland

Thread P” asks BUND. and Germany he is strong in

Yes; it is celebrated too for thread,” the waiter thinks.

“Lille thread.” Bund turns to us, explaining.
his French, even to substi.

We tell Jömp to let the coachman take us round the town.
tuting it occasionally for
English. But in Belgium he

We are passing a quaint old house; gabled and carved all over. is more diffident of speech,

“That,” says Jöme, cleverly, from the box, "is the Town House."

We ascertain it to be the Hótel de Ville.
excessively polite, and full of
action.

We stop before a tremendous cannon, ancient and unwieldy.
Gooch calls the French

MR. JÖMP, on the box, points it out to us, as if there was any poslanguage so expressive."

sibility of our not seeing it. His idea is practically illus

BUND asks him if it's a gas pipe? trated by his seldom finish

MR. JÖmp being taken aback, and having no invention ready to ing a sentence, even if he band (it is the business of a Courier to be always ready with some story gets half through it correctly and we drive on. If MR. JÖmp ever takes another party there, he'll

an object of interest) replies, "Vellum-um-yez-perhaps, (which is wonderful), but attempting to convey the

show that cannon as the first gaspipe ever laid down and taken up remainder of his meaning by again in Lille.

We see an arch. " What is that?" we ask the intelligent Jömp. a shrug and a look. This is quite satisfactory, to a

"That?" returns our inexbaustible courier, "um-um-um,” he looks foreigner, he says, who un

at it and thinks; then to us, as if astonished at our want of perception, derstands as much from this expressive pantomime as he does from the be as perfectly satisfied as he is himself. We see Vauban's fortifica

That is an arc, an arch." With which explanation he expects us to previous conversation. Bund and the rest assent to this as highly tions being pulled down. We view two churches, which are large and probable, seeing that, on one occasion, when Gooch returned from have fine windows. We don't know their names, but are as much talking with a Frenchman with the intelligence that "he had found him (the Frenchman) a very pleasant fellow, full of information ;” and pleased as if we had heard all about them.

Gooch says, that he (Gooch) had picked up a good many valuable hints in answer

“There ! now we've done Lille, let's go back to the

train.” to his questions," we found the French gentleman in a state of utter

We all feel the better for this episode, and presently, about four bewilderment as to “what language your friend (Gooch) had been

hours after, arrive at Ghent. talking, as he (the Frenchman) hadn't understood one single word he'd been saying.".

At the hotel and ready for dinner. MAULLIE is as decidedly English (which Gooch is perpetually de

Ghent. Gooch asks, Qu'est-ce que vous avez ?meaning for our ploring) as Gooch is undecidedly French. [Arcades ambo-Boompjes dinner. The waiter is a little startled; but suddenly, bursts out with both.]

“Roas beef, you can have, and mutton, and some plum puddang.”' Gooch travels as if he were dressed for Regent Street, so as to be

“ Confound it !”

What's the good of coming abroad ready, he says, for the towns.

for that?And forthwith, the table arrangements having been confided MAULLIE, who has started in advance of us, when he does appear to bim, he orders an elaborate menu. bursts on us in a light check coat, check trousers, white waistcoat, and

At dinner Gooch, in his character of un vrai Parisien, insists upon white wideawake. The English tourist complete. . Bradshaw in a having hors d'oeuvrés. But for these (which turn out to be radishes on bag slung behind him, and å sketch-book and pencil in his off-hand one plate and butter on another) the dinner is served in purely English pocket.

style : whereat Gooch is very angry with JÖMP, who, he says, has told Gooch, not knowing Maullie very well, confides his misery to us in them that we are English, and like this sort of thing. the evening, “I say," he asks, "can't anyone hide MAULLIE's wide

JÖMP denies this; but says he is very sorry. awake and burn his Bradshaw Or, look here, couldn't we subscribe

What for p" as Gooch, brusquely: and buy him a black hat and black coat for towns? And imploringly

“Um-um-um,” replies Jömp, "vell—um-I do not know." to us all) do talk French more. Hang it; why shouldn't we all talk

But for a long time he doesn't get over the imputation of having French : And, then, we shouldn't get mixed up with these "travelling betrayed the secret of our being Englishmen, and living only on “roas English' everywhere.” [Boompje.]

beef, mutton, and plum-puddang." On account of that white wideawake and light coat of MAULLIE's, I We apply to JomP, as knowing all about it, to know what there is to know that Gooch suffered mental agonies.

be seen in Ghent. One morning, Bund, the Commodore, exhibited a black soft felt hat,

Jömp replies, “. Vell-um-um, you can see-um-um, a great many, of a Tyrolean form, smashed. It had braved many tours, and was now things." We wait to hear a few mentioned particularly. There's produced by him to save his other hat and be comfortable. Gooch (it suddenly occurs to him by a sudden inspiration)" vatever you like.” eyed it, and merely observed that it was impossible for him (BUND)

He says this as if Ghent belonged to him, and he was throwing it to go out walking in that thing. Maullie was bad, but to be open gratis for our inspection. excused solely on the ground that he was an artist. But Bund had

Ain't there some fine churches ?” Bund suggests as a leading no excuse, and his bat was several times worse than MaulLIE's. question to freshen his memory.

Oh, yez,”, he returns, shrugging his shoulders ; "there's, um-um THE TOUR CONTINUES-THE INTELLIGENT JÖMP-THE

-vell—there's churches."

'Hang it!” cries Gooch, "go and ask somebody;" and Jömp, BOOMPJE LIVERY.

more hurt than ever, in fact, almost shedding tears, quits the room, There is certainly a good deal of Boompje about provincial conti- and we hear voices on the landing. Jömp and the waiter. nental towns, perhaps not more nor less than in ours. But no matter,

“He said he knew all these places," Bund explains apologetically. here, there and everywhere all is Boompje.

[Evidently a courier's Boompje.] N.B. The careful and inquiring reader will be able to collect for him

Jömp, the "intelligent officer," as the police reports say of a policeself, from time to time, such Boompje proverbs as embody most of the man who has done nothing but receive information," returns, Club's leading principles.

having ascertained that there is a Belfry to see and a

Church of St. Paul. He takes us to the Belfry, and tells us it is St. 1. Once a Boompje always a Boompje.

Paul's; he takes us to St. Paul's, and tells us it is the Belfry. Both 2. When with Boompjes do as the Boompjes do.

are shut; but an old man, in his shirt sleeves, offers, instead, to show 3. Here there and everywhere all is Boompje.

us the Gymnasium. Declined, with thanks.

[graphic]
[ocr errors]

says Gooch.

[ocr errors]
[graphic]

THE TWO PLAGUES IN THE PAPERS.

(To our Esteemed Contemporaries.)
If you have further information
About the Bill for Education,
Or that concerning Irish Land,
Which we have need to understand,
State it, but O, for Goodness' sake,
In as few words as it can take!
For months you've kept on day by day,
Bore, bore, bore, prose, prose, prose away,
Drear, drowsy dulness without dawn,
Perused with effort and with yawn,
Details, as dry as driest dust,
Of idle clauses, first discussed
By prolix tongues of spouters; then
In lengthy articles with pen.

We throw the papers down with curses.
The Education Bore the worse is,
A tedious comment upon chattering,
Whose best result will be a smattering
Of merest rudiments of learning.
Enlarge no more that theme concerning.
Into discourse thereon we dip,
See what 'tis all about, and skip.
Briefest remark on dull debate is
Best. Cut it short. Ohe, jam satis !

Gilpin Run Away With as Usual. MR. CHARLES GILPIN has pronounced against a Compulsory Vaccination Act. He thinks the people who refuse io believe in well-performed Vaccination as a prophylactic against Small Pox, are to be convinced by reason and argument !

JOHN GILPIN borrowed a horse from his friend the Calenderer, and it ran away with him.

CHARLES GILPIN has borrowed a hobby from the laisserfaire livery stables, and it has run away with him.

MR. PUNCH'S DESIGNS AFTER NATURE.

(“When the poor Sheep and Silkworm wore

That very clothing long before."-DR. Watts.)

ADVICE TO TIE FARMER. – Keep your Weather Eye open.

DAME WASHTUB ON THE WEATHER.

CECUMENICAL HOPE DEFERRED. DROUGHT, drought for nearly three months long, and not a drop of St. Peter's day has come and gone, but St. Peter's successor has rain,

not yet been declared infallible. There is really some reason to fear Ah drat the drought! though well we know 'tis sinful to complain. that, possibly, he may fail to be. In that event, all rational people will And havin' bin so fine, 'tis true, and not the slightest doubt, be rather disappointed. Either the Pope is infallible or he is not. If That not a day have passed but what a body could get out.

he is, the sooner he is acknowledged to be, the better. If he is not,

still the better it will be the sooner it is declared that he is. For then The farmers always grumbles, be the weather what it may,

he, and his Council between them, will have stultified both himself and But sartingly we must alow a felure of the hay,

themselves, and all the rest of his adherents, and still more completely Which therefore butter is so dear, and dearer it will be,

have stultified those who wish to be his adherents on their own termsAnd what with that and butcher's meat, a-lawks-a-daisy me! our Ritualists, eager to get their own priestcraft recognised by the But no one, and it only shows how rare is folks that's just,

other priestcrafts of Christendom, and yet remain parsons. Have e'er a word to speak for them as feels the drought the wust.

No wonder at their anxiety, betrayed by their journals, that the The soap bard water takes to use you'd think past ali belief,

proposed dogma should fall through, for even the most illogical of There's none as grieves for want of rain like washerwomen's grief.

them all must have sense enough to see that, if it is promulgated, they

must either accept it and be off, or else discontinue the profession that But still we're only havin' what old people used to call

they "hold all Roman doctrine." Either alternative will, at least, be an In my young days, a good old English summer,” arter all.

end of humbug. Some seasons it is all as wet, may be another year, The climate altered ? Fiddle ! 'l'o sitch talk I gives no ear.

Substitutes for Steam-Rollers. Saint Swithin is a comin', which if then it rains, they says,

A STEAM Paving Machine is at work in Paris. We are still in want 'Twill arterwards rain every day, or night, for forty days.

of steam-rollers. But that is no reason why our roads should continue It never rains but what it pours; that's what they means : that's all. to be paved with angular fragments of granite and shingle. If qur I don't believe Saint Swithin, for Saint Swithin ain't Saint Paul, paupers, for want of diet, have not muscle enough to crush them, why And oh that ZADKIEL! he foretold that June was to be cool,

not employ, ablebodied convicts! The spectacle of criminals underWhich therefore he is either an imposture or a fool,

going hard labour would be edifying and exemplary to their associates ;

thus two birds would, in a manner, be killed with one stone; especially And if so be as how he's wrong when he foretells the weather,

if the Fenians were employed along with the other malefactors in What can his prophecies be wuth ? ah, drat it, altogether!

breaking the stones. But would Saint Swithin sprinkle, as the sayin' is, the apples, Apart from any mummery and mash in Popish chapels, It would be a relief now we have bin so long a fryin'. But there, if bad for washin', this hot weather's good for dryin'. The enactment of the University Tests Bill is not at all likely to

increase the number of Dissenters among the graduates of Oxford and

Cambridge, although it may diminish that of signatures to the ThirtyTHE UNDOUBTED CENTENARIAN (THAT IS TO BE).--Punch. Nine Articles.

TESTS AND TENETS.

« PreviousContinue »