STRAWBERRY LEAVES. A SELECTION FROM THE VERY LATEST LETTERS OF THE HONOURABLE PRIVATE SPIRITUAL MEDIUM. TO SIR HORACE MANN. WE have snow! Come, my dear Sir, do not pretend not to understand the word. An Italian of my name has told you something about it. Take him out of my friend Theodore Martin's book (as charming a rendering of Latin poetry into English as we shall see) "Enough of snow, enough of direful hail Hath Jove in anger showered upon the land." I used to like it, but labuntur anni. This year, moreover, I regard it with abhorrence, for I think what this weather means to the poor wretches who, by the will of Kings and Republics, are lying hideously wounded. I send you the Times newspaper. Be pleased to read, if you can bear to read, a Correspondent's account of what he saw after the great sortie. Translate it to your Countesses who prate of glory, I wish that there were some way of disclaiming one's share in this world's wickedness. I would go to London, even in this weather, and with my gout, to sign the deed. But would it be enrolled in the supreme Chancery? People speak of Christmas. It has long ceased to be anything but a word, and a disagreeable one for me. But I am glad to help those to enjoy the season who can. The Day falls on Sunday, and my old housekeeper, Margaret, is indignant, and accuses the Government of some kind of mismanagement in allowing this. I have seen as wellfounded charges made against Mr. Gladstone. Folks, "whose talk is of bullocks," tell me that the Beast Show is the best that has ever been held. I wish an Aladdin's magician could fly away with the whole, and set it down in the middle of Paris. The Eclipse philosophers have gone forth to seize the precious two minutes. Ladies are with them, I suppose to dust up the sun and moon and make them fit for inspection. Doubtless the expedition has a wonderful object, but I decline to incur the beadache which would be the price of my understanding it. A little girl asked me why the sun and moon were made round and not square, and I told her that if they had been square their corners might have been knocked off in eclipses. I believe the Government dawdled terribly in giving the assistance which the astronomers required. The Americans showed a hundred times more zeal and sense, of course, as they always do. They reverse the religious and gracious King Charles's rule, seldom talk wisely, and never act foolishly. They will annex us one of these days, and then there will be some hope for this worn-out old island.. I hope they will let me keep Strawberry, even at the price of knocking out all my poor painted Kings and Queens, harmless as such folks are-in glass. I did not mean to allude again to the horrid war, but I could not help thinking, the other day, of M. Thiers. The forts about Paris were, you know, his work. They bellowed and roared so hideously in the last affair that Russell was reminded (of Sebastopol. Can't you imagine little Thiers listening to the noise, and saying, with John Dennis, "By Jove, that's my thunder!" We had a play condemned-that is the polite word in spite of the late Bishop of Exeter-last week. It was by a nobleman, too, Lord Newry, and it was called Ecarté, and brought out at the Globe. It did not please the public, which induces me to think that there must have been something good in it. For the present generation of playgoers is so intellectually demoralised that its censure involves a compliment. In the course of the evening, the Manageress, Miss Alleyne, provoked at the failure, addressed some sharp words to the audience. I like her courage. Had she been a deep-mouthed, masculine tragedian, who could have bullied them with growls, and told them he was Ci ashamed of such un-English conduct to artists who were doing their 'umble best," the scolding would have been applauded, and the piece saved. But they had courage to go on jeering a woman. The play has been withdrawn, "on account of the Manageress's indisposition," a final defiance which I also like. Not that most pieces do not deserve to be condemned, but that audiences who admire our present sort are not competent judges. When, as I told you years ago, the pretty men and the Templars went to damn a piece brought out by Garrick, and he was impertinent about it, I defended them. But then they knew good plays from bad. The Scotch are going to hold festival on the hundredth anniversary of the birth of Sir Walter Scott. This is right enough. I have an interest in Scotland. My father, "old Sir Robert" (would I had half his sense and goodness), paid the Scotch Members ten guineas a week during the Session, and by a singular coincidence they all thought him a very great man-during the Session. I hope that the affair will not be muddled, as was the case with the Burns and Shakspeare Centenaries. It would be an agreeable variation from Scotch rule were it solemnly announced that none of the orators should quote from the said Burns, but this is too much to expect. Dios me libre de hombre di un libro! I have no politics for you. The Liberals have been trying to eject Douglas Straight, a rising young barrister, whom the Conservatives got in for Shrewsbury. The proceedings were a farce; there was no sort of case against him. Whig as I am, I am glad of the failure, for the Liberals lost the election by their own blundering, and sought an unworthy revenge. In the present state of parties, my good Sir, we can afford to be dispassionate. You and I remember other days in Shropshire, when all its twelve Members were returned by that amiable Indian philanthropist, Lord Clive, and were irreverently called his apostles. The county has not distinguished itself much of late years. Disraeli was the last notable elected by the proud Salopians. I have looked at your friend B- -'s book. I am not much illuminated, though his puffs, like those of old Vauxhall, announced that we were to have twenty thousand additional lamps. He would reduce everything to the standard of reason. Bon. But when I find he means the standard of his own reason-adieu, Mr. B. I have lived in a better Arcadia. He will do no good, but neither will he do any harm, but pray don't tell him this latter fact, as it will put him into the greatest of rages. Why is it that nobody likes to be called what all should seek to be, namely, harmless? A very great man-that is to say a Duke, which means the samemet an Arctic friend of mine the other night at a crush. Despite the weather, the room was awfully hot. "Ah! Captain says the Duke, "this is more like the South Pole than the North, eh?" I told it to a lady friend of his, who did not smile. I remarked on this. "I ought to smile," she said, "for I am really pleased to hear that he knows there are two poles." I think he must have refused her something, she is generally honey on velvet. If she has missed anything (you know her) it was not for want of asking. She would stop a jockey in the finish for the Derby, and ask for a lock of his hair, if it occurred to her that she could get anything by giving it to somebody. Miss V likely to be looking out for bridesmaids!" My dear child, you don't read my letters, or don't heed what I tell you of marryings and givings in marriage. Why, she, by her long-worn name of matron, is looking out for godmothers, and I hear that she has pounced on your friend Mrs. *****. I know no one more capable of instructing a godchild, as enjoined, "in the vulgar tongue." Her vulgarity is natural, but I am not sure that some of her ignorance is not assumed. There was astronomical talk the other night at Sir Wrock Tapper's (the geologist), and he offered to fetch a spectroscope. She desired him not to bring such a thing into the room, she hated ghosts and all their belongings. By the way they tell me that instrument, or no I believe it's another called a polariscope (bless their jargon), reveals whether light be original or borrowed. If such a thing could be invented for the benefit of a book critic, who usually knows nothing of a subject but what he learns from the work he is patronising or abusing? When I have got down to her and to critics, you will say that it is time to get a little lower, and sign myself Yours affectionately, HORACE WALPOLE. MEMS BY A MUSICIAN. (Driven wellnigh mad by an overdose of WAGNER,) Mem. To have my ears shaved and stuff my nose with gun-cotton, when rext I am invited to listen to Tannhäuser. Mem. To order a few score of slides and roasted snowballs to cool my temper afterwards. Mem. We won't go home till morning, and not even then if the overture's in earshot. Mem. To box my nephew's compass, for whistling, "Gee woe, WAGNER!" when he comes to call on me. Mem. I am engaged to dine to-morrow with the EMPEROR OF EGYPT, at the Egyptian Hall in the liver wing of the Mansion House. Mem. To ask him if he knows the Sphinx, and whether she can answer the riddles of Tannhäuser. Mem. Don't let him uncork his fine old crusted periwinkles, or cut up any critics in your oyster salad. Mem. In the middle of next week I am the Gipsy King, ha! ha! Ter-remble villain! Aha, my Warbling Waggoner, won't I warm your coppers for you! Mem. Boiled fiddlestrings and buttered trumpets are the best substitutes for lemonade at breakfast. Mem. Did you ever hear the sound of a codfish? Its natural pitch is in deep C, but its diatonic scales are suited to B sharp. Mem. O if I had some one to love me, I would make her a present of the Music of the Future! Mem. Did you ever troll for turnpikes? Mind you troll an air of WAGNER's when you want to worry them. Mem. Next time I meet a bagpipe, I'll ask him if he plays the music of Tannhäuser. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holforl square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co.. Lombard Lady (who is rather plain). 'MY DEAR CECIL, WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GO TO A GOOD PLACE, WHERE THE MAN IS AN ARTIST. I HAD MINE DONE THE OTHER DAY, AND IT IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL! WATKINS IN EXCELSIS. (AN ODE.) "MR. JOHN WATKINS, of Parliament Street, had the honour of attending at Windsor Castle on Saturday last, and taking several photographs of PRINCESS LOUISE, the MARQUIS OF LORNE having previously given sittings to him. MR. WATKINS is also engaged on portraits of the eight peers' daughters who have been distinguished by selection as the Royal bridemaids." HAIL, well-starred WATKINS! well-starred WATKINS, hail! To work! Develope, tone, print, mount, wholesale, Court Cartes of our LOUISE and of her LORNE- Two negatives, our schoolboy grammars told, Of one affirmative the force attain: All other cynosures of eyes they'll rob, The nine-day lease of shop-front life defy: That JOHN BULL loves a lord, has oft been said, And shown, since lords have been for BULL to love : A Royal Princess, still remained to prove, For when, to back the snobbishness of JOHN, SCHOOLING FOR SAVAGES. ELEVEN garotters at Leeds, Were flogged on last Friday in gaol; E'en ruffians have feelings of touch, Those same it affected so much Some fainting were borne to their cells. Then, if you garotters would win, Appeal to their tenderest part; Teach pupils like them through the skinThe sole way of reaching the heart. Domestic Teachers. IT used to be said, with truth not meant, "The Schoolmaster is Abroad." He proved to have gone, not only abroad, but astray. The number of ladies who have been placed on the Education Board suggests the hope that the Schoolmistress will do better than the Schoolmaster. Then, perhaps, we shall be enabled to congratulate the British Public in saying that the Schoolmistress is at Home. STRANGE EMPLOYMENT. MRS. MALAPROP is very proud of her youngest son, who has a poetical turn. One evening lately, she excused his absence from the family circle by saying that he was busy apostatising the Moon. Where happy Snobbishness, awe-struck, agape, Drest in the robes of Majesty itself, O happy WATKINS, feeding this twin flame "Forbear, irreverent scoffer!" At my ear JOHN BULL'S indignant voice I seemed to seize,- "Tis true, O BULL, and so thou own with me Unto the woman, gentle, fair, and good, Graced with all arts, and, chiefest among these, Endowed with woman's master-art-to please, I'll waive the charge of snobbishness, and say, "Let JOHN BULL and his Punch, companions vowed, At the same shrine manly allegiance pay, High in humility, in meekness proud As good Knights to their ladye bent the knee, From Wigmore Street. A BIRMINGHAM hair-cutter advertises "Private Wigs." What a horrible thought for the bald that there may be such things as Public Wigs! It is enough to make their hair (if they had any) stand on an end. THE FIRST KNIGHT OF MALTA.-Sir John Barleycorn. FRESH FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS. ON Christmas-Day KING ARTHUR filled his new Round Table (mahogany was then only to be found in great houses) with poor relations, and placed an envelope containing a bank-note for a considerable amount in the folds of each of their napkins. After dinner, MERLIN, his poet laureate, stood on a stool covered with wild oats, and recited the principal events of the year in iambics, and then the guests snowballed each other till it was time to go. ARTHUR never went to bed, but roamed about "the wild woods of Broceliande" all the rest of the night singing madrigals to a theorbo, in a velveteen jacket. For many generations on the evening of the 24th of December the Druids who belonged to the old county families-rather Odd Fellows in their way, and Bachelors by compulsion of the Canon law-danced round their Christmas-tree (the oak with its hanger-on, the mistletoe) for three-quarters of an hour, without intermission or refreshment, to the Music of the Past in the moonlight, and then had bun and ale in their own private apartments. On the last day of the year they concluded the evening with quoits and good resolutions for the future. The Scandinavian races steep the yule-log in British brandy, before they hurl it on the hearth-fire with a look out of the corners of their eyes; and such of the women as are unmarried, after streaking their cheeks with red ochre, proceed to knock up the constable of the parish, to present him with a bowl of furmety spiced with ambergris : meanwhile the Scalds sing carols through their noses till he puts his head out of the window and gives them largess to stop. The Scandinavians make a point of having frost and snow at this season; and before civilisation, with all its baneful results, was thrust upon them, the tradesmen never thought of sending in their accounts. Holly rhymes with jolly, and was supposed to banish melancholy long before the invention of printing, the old chroniclers telling us that the Anglo-Saxon maidens decorated the churches with its polished leaf and berry (under the superintendence of the curate), as far back as the stream of history is navigable. PETRARCH first saw LAURA, when she was twining a wreath of laurustinus, with a piece of string, round one of the serpentine pillars in the great church at Amsterdam. their serfs having been accustomed all to drink out of the steaming bowl in common at Christmas-tide. There is a very ancient illuminated receipt for plum-pudding amongst the MSS. in the Ambrosial Library at Milan. Its antiquity is proved by the fact that candied peel is not mentioned as one of the ingredients, and candied peel we know, from OPSONIUS and other contemporary authors, was introduced into cookery long before the present era. There were enactments about Snapdragon at a very early period (see the laws of Draco), and the charming story of St. George and the Snapdragon is closely interwoven with this favourite but perilous amusement of young and old, rich and poor, light and dark, when assembled at a Christmas party. Mince-pies were first introduced at the Council of Nice. "FROTH" AND "DREGS." F. S. A. "Perhaps MR. HOLMS, one of the Members for Hackney, put the case rather too strongly when he said that the men of our army were the dregs, as the officers were the froth, of society.""-Daily News. head?" WHEN of our Army late I read What HOLMS, M.P. for Hackney, said, When JOHN BULL rank and file would raise, Will names like these fire one or both Rank and file "dregs," officers "froth"? But waiving how such names are like Those unto whom they're given to strike, I ask myself, in faith and troth, How do they work, these "dregs" and "froth"? For doom when Fire and Ocean wed,* On Sarah Sands and Birkenhead, When their troop-freight fought or faced Death, And when Death down upon them came, Could it be "dregs" that thus shamed "froth ?" When England's few, through snow and rain, On the storm-swept Crimean plain, Faced War, Plague, Want-grim allies three : When Balaklava's "thin, red line" 'Gainst sweep of shot and sabre-shine, A handful to a host, stood fast, While the Russ war-waves broke and past: When in the balance India hung, A myriad native tulwars flung Who, having read, has forgotten, or can forget, how the troops, passengers on board, saved the Sarah Sands and went down with the Birken The Rifle Brigade bore the brunt of the siege at Delhi, which broke the neck of the Indian Mutiny. Commercial. The oldest and largest wassail bowl in Christendom is preserved in the vestry of the Vatican. It is never used except when the POPE has the entire College of Cardinals to supper. On this occasion all formality is laid aside, and etiquette is consigned to the tomb of the CAPULETS. The POPE himself roasts the apples, and the two youngest Cardinals make the toast and grate the nutmeg, while hunt the POPE'S THE fluctuations of trade are remarkable. When Archery Clubs Slipper and other sports are freely indulged in till midnight. Was- were first established in England, with their luncheons and dinners, sail" is merely a corruption of ". vassal," the great Saxon lords and the importation of arrow-root increased enormously. 'A' MERRIMAN TO THE RESCUE! BEAUTY AND THE BADGER. HE renowned WIDDICOMBE, PROFESSOR HUXLEY, in his tenth lecture on Physiography, delivered Master of the Horse at for the improvement of the female mind at South Kensington, had Astley's, of old, was wont, occasion to invite the ladies to consider how it happened that our between the acts of horse- native animals are the same as those found on the neighbouring Contimanship, to address himself nent; if for example, they came thence, how did they cross the Channel? to the Clown in the Ring, Amongst them he specified the Badger, a creature "by no means fond saying, "Now then, MR. of swimming" and described it as an animal now pretty nearly MERRYMAN, let us have extinct." Unhappily, that is so. As a lecturer, PROFESSOR HUXLEY'S some of your facetia."" In time was limited, or else he might, as a naturalist, addressing ladies, these words MR. WIDDI- have invoked the sympathy of Beauty for the Badger. COMBE meant to invite his This is one of the many interesting members of the British fauna associate to play the fool. improved off the face of the British earth, under the name of vermin. MR. MERRIMAN, one of It does no damage whatsoever, beyond eating a few partridges' eggs, the leaders in the generous whilst it destroys a quantity of real vermin. The much more misagitation for a war with chievous Fox is preserved for the purpose of hippolatry, as a sacrifice; Prussia in the interest of a or else the British Museum would soon contain the only specimens of French Republic, which has that subject of HER MAJESTY's animal kingdom; and of what use are not as yet been constituted stuffed specimens there, if living ones are of none in Nature? Our by France, is not to be con- foxes, as well as our badgers, would also be exterminated, but for founded with any personage horse-worship; abolished, likewise, for the sake of a small preservation of the name and office above of game, by our landed poulterers. If Members of Parliament had referred to in connection been addicted to badger-baiting, badgers would have been preserved, with MR. WIDDICOMBE. He as foxes are; but whilst fox-hunting is a noble sport, badger-baiting has, however, been lately is cruelty to animals. giving us not a few of his "facetia," as MR. WIDDICOMBE used to say. He has talked a good deal of fun at public meetings; for the suggestion that the Government of our Constitutional Monarchy should plunge into war on behalf of the Republic of a future in nubibus, to please the International Democratic Union, is a high joke. Also MR. MERRIMAN has written a letter to the Times, resenting its description of him, between inverted commas, as "MR. MERRIMAN of Queen Street;" and showing that the MERRIMANS are no mushrooms, but an old civic family. Very likely indeed they are. Perhaps, like the SLYS, they "came in with RICHARD CONQUEROR." Their artiquity, no doubt, was higher than that of the merry men associated in ballad and legend with ROBIN HOOD. For, in fact, we do not call them the Merrymen, which would be as ridiculous as calling Mussulmans Mussulmen. The more the pity, then, that the good old name of MERRIMAN (originally, perhaps, MIRAMANT) should, by its mere sound, be liable to be associated with the idea of a Circus fool. It ought not to be so sounded. A name of the same high order as the names of CHOLMONDELEY, GROSVENOR, and the like, it should manifestly be abbreviated, as they are, in speaking. MERRIMAN is the analogue of MARJORIBANKS, evidently, and ought to be pronounced MERMAN. So indeed the MERRIMANS themselves, the Nobility and Gentry, pronounce it, for aught we know. Chivalry merits a chivalric style of name. There is perhaps more chivalry than wisdom in MR. MERRIMAN's enthusiastic republicanism. There is something heraldic in the idea of a Merman; the monster so called figures in some coats of arms, and, although a monster, is not a ludicrous object like the zany whose image is suggested by the unmodified name of MERRIMAN. A SCHOOLMASTER AT HOME. THE Education Act is already doing great good. It is exciting and developing the energies of men who aspire to improve their generation. Here is proof in a letter addressed to a friend of Mr. Punch. The writer ought certainly to come under the favourable notice of LORD LAWRENCE: "SIR-It is possible that a little reccomendation now that Village Scolemasters are likely to be in requisition, might be a great benifit to Me. As a reador of my own language I would Challange Norfolk. "Geography." "Arithmetic." "Grammar" "Scripture Biography." History. "Natural History." Even a little Astronomy if it were needed if the possession of a little of all Branches of useful Education not only in the Theory." but in Extensive Practice be any use. I beg an interest in the influence which you possess and shall remain "Gratefully your's A Professional View of Things. OUR NATIONAL AND PERSONAL ENEMIES. Too sensitive Englishmen need to be reminded that the malignant sneers which foreigners are always casting at this country are exactly like the language in which scamps are wont to abuse a respectable man with whom they happen to be connected. They hate him because he won't bet, won't gamble, keeps out of scrapes which they get into, won't countenance their rogueries: and, although he has done them good offices, because, when they try to cheat him they find they can't. There is one difference, however, between the respectable man and JOHN BULL. The respectable man will not endorse the scamp's bills. JOHN BULL does, in effect, as a matter of form, for the sake of peace; and when the bills are dishonoured, declines taking them up. It would be better if he did not endorse their bills. Foreigners might hate him no less than they do, but would not perhaps despise him quite so much-if that is of any consequence. AUDACIOUS, IF NOT INSPIRED? with the POPE, ARCHBISHOP MANNING asserted that:- "Divine Providence had solved the question of how States should be related In the meanwhile, the Head of DR. MANNING's Denomination has been divested of the temporal sovereignty which DR. MANNING declares him to have been divinely invested with. DR. CUMMING might say that the Power, which DR. MANNING says invested him with it, divested him of it. How are we to decide when such Doctors disagree? A Noisy Clergyman. ACCORDING to an article in the Echo, the REV. A. H. STANTON, Curate of St. Alban's, while speaking at a meeting of the English Church Union, on the MACKONOCHIE case, said that if the Privy Council "should take everything from him, his money, and even his clothes, he would remain a priest nevertheless." Mr. Punch's advice to the Privy Council is to leave this Reverend Gentleman his clothes, but to take away from him his gown. Classical Con. DEFINE the difference between "ARISTOPHANES" and "ARISTOTLE." In the eyes of a thoughtful Confectioner, the ground covered with-One was a Playwright, and the other a Stagy-rite. snow resembles nothing so much as a huge bridecake. MOTTO FOR RABBIT POACHERS.-"Not particular to a Hare." "THE FIVE GREAT POWERS."-Love, Money, Ambition, Revenge, and a Good Dinner. |