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CHARMING MILITARY SUGGESTION.
A RHYME FOR THE TIME.
(À la MILL, if not à la Bull.)
Why shouldn't GORTSCHAKOFF
Treaties à tort shake off,
Ships from Turks' ports take off,
With Black Sea forts make off!
Pray think, Opo RUSSELL,
If it came to a tussle, "Sir,-So intense
With the Russ and the Pruss all, is my interest in,
And, to boot, Yankee "muss" all
It might go with us ill.
Safe JOHN BULL'wouldinuzzle,
Stick to shop, gain, and guzzle, mind every pos
And eschew broil and bustle,
And let Tarkey turn Russ all,
E'er, muzzle to muzzle, advantage over their exacting foe. It has just occurred to me that if some
About a cramp puzzle night they were to let loose upon the Prussians all the wild animals of the
Of Gentium Jus he'll Jardin des Plantes, it would spread terror and dismay among their ranks, as
Face Bear's hug and hustle well as secure a certain diminution of their number. I would suggest that
And BISMARCK's war-muscle ! the animals should be kept with little or no food for some days previously, so that they might be well disposed to do the State good service. This proposal
Shall GRANVILLE fire GLADSTONE may not be exactly in accordance with the Articles of War, but these are not
To challenge, in lad's tone, times to stand upon punctilio, and in love and war all stratagems are admis
And talk in mad rad's tone, sible.' Will you kindly give this letter a place in your journal, and thereby much oblige a warm friend of France ?
M. A, C."
Of flinging war's sad stone,
If the Czar take his dad's tone ? Of course no lady, except the kind of one commonly called "the old soldier, can be expected to see the practical difficulties which forbid
Prithee, GLADSTONE, check GRANVILLE, the trial of a wild beast's battalion for warlike purposes. No man can
While Bull on his anvil, wonder that "M. A. C." overlooks the probability that the denizens
Swords and rifles, by vanful, of the Jardin des Plantes, if turned loose upon the Prussians, would,
To ploughshares beats, manful. at least as soon as they got under fire, most likely turn tail and attack their proprietors the Parisians, unless GENERAL TROCHU caused them
Of the Old British Lion all to have firebrands tied to their tails, like SAMSON's foxes. It can
The Young one's no scion; scarcely be conceived to have occurred' to her that probably the car
The main chance he's an eye on, nivora in the Parisian Zoological Gardens are nearly all starved by this
And himself can't rely on time, if they have not been eaten. Nor, as she is “a warm friend to
The foe's throat to fly on;. France," could her head even be imagined to have ever been entered
And the field he'd once die on, by the moral consideration that the exacting foe,” who is merely
He now would fight shy on. seeking to exact security that the other foe, who attacked him first, shall not again commit a breach of the peace, is not, of the two foes,
So do stave off a tusslethe one upon whom it would be the rather fitting to set loose wild beasts.
O do, ODO RUSSELL ! But, putting these and the like oversights aside, every well-constituted mind must see what a happy thing it would be for humanity if it were possible that the nations who delight in war could, when they assail those who detest it, be encountered not with men, but with savage and
MELODY AND MEMORY. ferocious brutes, like themselves-lions, tigers, bears, wolves, and hyænas.
HARMONIOUS MR. Punch, There is something specifically, and therefore delightfully, feminine You, who remember everything, need hardly be reminded in the idea of “ spreading terror and dismay among the ranks of an that BEETHOVEN was born a hundred years ago; and I fancy you can army by letting lions loose upon them. For, as Bottom observes, “to bring estimate the blessings he conferred on musical humanity, if you reflect in ... a lion among ladies, is a most dreadful thing; for there is not that in the century elapsed since he was born scarce a note of all his a more fearful wild-fowl than your lion living." One quite enters into music has descended to the barrel-organs. Surely, it is fitting to pay M. A. C.'s fancy that wild lions let loose would terrify armed soldiers. homage to such genius, even though we, some of us, lack knowledge If, indeed, those soldiers were Amazons, they would be likely enough to appreciate it. And the way to gain that knowledge is the way to to be sent to the right-about by a charge of such four-footed antago- do him homage, namely, to go and hear, as often as we can, what his nists, and indeed by smaller quadrupeds. The "gentle hearts ” of the music has to say to us. Depend on it, if we have brains to back our gentler sex, we know," do fear the smallest monstrous mouse that hearing, we shall not listen long without profit from the pastime. creeps on floor;" and doubtless a moderate number of mice as assail. Don't think me a bore, then, if I take up some few inches of your ants would suffice to rout a considerable force of female warriors. valuable space in telling half the Universe-I mean to say your readers
that BEETHOVEN may be heard now, in this his first centenary, played to perfection, weekly, by the Crystal Palace band, and at the Monday
Pops” by charming ARABELLA GODDARD. Not an omnibus in London PHILOSOPHY AND SCIENCE OF FASHION. has a cleverer conductor than HERR MANNS, the Crystal Chief; and
not a church in London gives us better music weekly than MR. ARTHUR In Le Follet's " Fashions for December” there is a gleam of reason CHAPPELL. This is no puff, but a fact : and so believe me yours in resembling the faint sunlight which now and then breaks through the earnest, although I write jokingly, masses of clouds that mantle and muffle the sky these dark mornings :
ONE WHO PLAYS. "Elderly ladies can never appropriate toilettes suitable only to youth without adding to their age, to a degree of which it would be almost impossible to convince them; and vice versa, young unmarried ladies, dressed in matronly
Forthcoming New Work. robes and ornaments, lose the charm of elegant simplicity so becoming to them, and show a lamentable ignorance of the first and most immutable to appear with the next spring flowers.”
" The author of Red as a Rose is She is engaged on a novel which is meant canon of good taste-suitability," There is an intelligence in this remark really amounting to common
It will be observed that the title is not mentioned, but we believe it sense, and there is a feeling of art quite sufficiently high to discern at is no secret in literary circles-Buttercups and Daisies. least one of its rudimentary principles. We only hope that the abovequoted passage from the Tollet is not very much above the comprehension of most of its readers.
A KNOWING BIRD.-The "Downy" Owl.
THE SORROWS OF WERTER.
Wearing a tight boot when you go to have your portrait
Being asked to dinner by a newly married couple, who conceive it is essential to the happiness of all their guests that baby should be handed round to taste before dessert.
Receiving from a kind friend an extract from an amiable review of your new novel, recommending it to people for after-dinner reading as an excellent narcotic.
Being cast for "Joe the Fat Boy” at an amateur performance in the middle of the dog days, and having to perspire in the thickest suit of padding that you may look the character."
Some officious idle fellow whom, for reasons, you can't kick, having, to amuse himself, got up a testimonial to you: being invited to a banquet where the thing will be presented, and where you will be sickened by the butter you must swallow.
Living next door to a girls' school (termed in the advertisements a "seminary for young ladies”) at which, although it is "conducted upon truly Christian principles," the pianos begin firing at five o'clock A.m., and the Battle of Prague is fought a score of times ere breakfast.
Supping with your old chum DROWSELY on the first night of his farce, with the consciousness that you fell fast asleep before the close of the first scene, and the certainty that LYNXEYE, your mutual friend, will tell him so.
In a flatter of delight at being asked to show your skill in part-singing at sight, finding you unluckily have come without your spectacles.
Having the repute of being a good-natured fellow, and being therefore asked to do a lot of things you hate, because your friends are certain that you won't say No to them.
Posing some pretty girls for a drawing-room tableau, and making your wife jealous by the zeal which you display in so trumpery a matter.
Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM says she likes going to a play on the
first night of its performance, because she sees so many imAND LOOK minent men 'present, and a lot of crickets from the news
until, being riled, Your Own rapped out a strong expression which WAR NEWS.
broke up the entertainment.
"VILLUM,” says this Confidential Cockalorum,“ don't you go in for (From our own Cockalorum.)
the Dulce Domum business. You've been uproarious and glorious up DEAREST COCKALORUM,
till now; but look out, or if you take up with spirits I'm blessed if you
won't find the tables turned.” In these excited_times don't go_a trusting nobody but He laughed heartily, and an hour afterwards Your Own was put your own Professor of Real English. He's all there when the under arrest. This gay proceeding will rouse the British Lion. It bell rings. Depend upon him for being in the front which ever will serve 'em right if* way the army's going. This gay Marquis don't quite so much take to the looks of things as he used to did. In the midst of
It's all over, shouting and everything. The Hereditary Grand, victorious unfriendlies all over the shop, you won't find this Light- Bizzy, SINGAMARINGY, and the whole biling, have been here and hearted Soldier much about. No, not me George. I've
packed implored me to make it up. ap everything but a tooth-brush, as GENERAL NAPIER observed,
Hereditary," says this child of Nature, “yours ever." and shan't stop to say good-bye to Hereditary Grands, if shuffle's
It was a touching spectacle; even Bizzy saying he'd never seen the word.
such a game in all his born days. This in German, of course. HowMeeting a young man who's here for the Journalistic King, he ever, Your Own took the opportunity of announcing the melancholy remarked to this gallant Marquis that "times is changing." To which, intelligence that he must leave them to be present at the tạrning-off I observed, that it wasn't all cream just now.” We wunk at each point in the existence of the MARCHIONESS OF LORNE, as is to be ; other, smole, and said Adoo. Which it were.
and, hence the preparations for moving. This cut 'em—this remark This Gay Cavalier was having a chat with old VILLUM and The Here- did-right into the flannel. There were lots of Gay Young Hereditary Grand, and says old VILLUM, "if I catch that filibustering ditaries (not Grands) trying to wire in in that direction. humbug, GARIBALDI, hang me if I don't hang him. Why didn't they The truth is that the cheerful Prooshians are horrid bustled just now. keep him in Caprera, and let him write novels for the English people ? *** An orderly is waiting to take this to the post. So no more at "Yours to command," says this Sprightly Militaire, agreeing with Sweet present
From yours ever, VILLUM, every word of it. An American gent, here, observes
Your Own DYNGWELL. that GARIBALDI can't go to America, as they're "after bim”
P.S. Back in Plum Pudding time. there, he having set up a store somewhere, himself and partner (GARIB. & Co.), let in the Yanks and bolted. Not such a fool as he looks. But then this Light-hearted Soldier is neutral tint, and loves
On a Theatrical Nuisance. 'em all. Which he do. MR. HOME, the Spiritualist, has been here giving us no end of rum.
PERCHED in a box which cost her not a sou, ti-iddities. Your Own rather injured that Noble Marquis's feelings by
GIGLINA chatters all the evening through, offering him a Medium cigar. In revenge he called up the spirit of a
Fidgets with opera-glass, and flowers, and shawls, deceased creditor, and this before VILLUM and the Hereditary, both of
Annoys the actors, irritates the stalls. whom are old enough to know better. The deceased creditor went on
Forgive her harmless pride—the cause is plainrapping out particulars about this Cheery Commander's private history
She wants us all to know she's had champagne.
COUNTRY-HOUSE ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Major Dangle (quartered in the Neighbourhood). “ YOUR MOTHER ASKED ME TO YOUR BALL NEXT WEEK, Tom. I SUPPOSE I MAY BRING ONE OR Two FELLOWS IN THE REGIMENT ! Ен ? "
Tom. “O YES, CERTAINLY, MAJOR! VERY DOLL AT OUR PLACE ! BRING HALF-A-DOZEN THAT CAN RIDE, AND Shoot, AND DANCE, AND SPOON A BIT, YOU KNOW !”
ILLUSTRATIONS OF FAME AND GLORY.
THE TWO DOVES. The heroes of the present War have hitherto none of them been
O Dove, that in the young Earth's day of doom, honoured by being constituted the involuntary sponsors to boots. The
When the Heaven's floodgates stood no longer wide, tailors, however, have taken hold of them for advertising purposes. A
Loosed from the Ark, a white gleam on the gloom, weekly publication, called the Tailor and Cutter, which circulates in the
With weary wing sought land above the tidetrade, has issued prints with two of its Numbers—a print of the King
Though long and lone thy flight, a happier quest OF PRUSSIA and the Crown PRINCE in one, and of Count BISMARCK
Was thine, O Dove, than that whereon they speed, and M. JULES FAVRE in the other, on separate leaves, for the conveni Thy progeny, that o'er Earth’s blood-stained breast, ence of exhibition in "shop-windows. The faces are copied from photo
From Paris wing their way, in her last need. grapbs; the figures and their attitudes are due to the invention of an Thy quest was gained, the foot's-breadth of dry land, artist by whom the expression of countenance has also been suitably
A patch of green above the waters grey, modified. The CROWN PRINCE, in full evening costume, is repre Where branch to rest on, twig to pluck, might stand, sented leaning on his right hand, supported by a table, holding a note
Which won, thou couldst wing back
thy happy way. in his left, his legs being crossed with the most demonstrative air of But these-in vain some point of ruth they seek, elation in displaying a fashionable exterior. KING WILLIAM stands by
Rising above Hate's sea of blood and fire, the side of his son, habited in a splendid dressing-gown, beneath which Nor find one spray, green still, ’mid flood and wreck, appear the terminations of faultless trousers, and a pair of correspond
Of Peace's Olive, that crowned thy desire ! ing boots ; his right hand resta on his hip, and his left holds a brannew shiny bat. BISMARCK and FAVRE are delineated in the characters of two jaunty and rather scampish-looking swells, in morning dress, on
To Publishers. the lounge. JULES FAVRE carries a small overcoat on one arm. Each sports a' stick, Favre's being planted on the ground, whilst has just come to our knowledge. ALBANY YORKE saw advertised
ANOTHER instance of a mistake caused by the title of a book, BISMARCK bears his cane with the "nice conduct”
of a riding-switch, Stories for Darlings, and immediately ordered it, feeling that there held, dangling, in the manner of an idling fop, between his fore and could be no more appropriate Christmas present for the young lady middle finger. The mien and bearing of all four are, with happy inge- who is delighted to consider herself his darling, He now finds that nuity, made to appear those of so many thoroughly impudent cads, the book is for "Boys and Girls,” so has to look out for another, who have hired themselves to act as dummies for a tailor, and, possesS- DORA WILVERTON being twenty. ing some sense of humour, enjoy the consciousness of being got up to resemble the distinguished individuals whom they personate. With
STEREOSCOPY. the exception of the Works of Art which illustrate this periodical, these are about the most meritorious which have been lately exhibited
"Melancholy Ocean.”—Mr. Disraeli. in any of the shop-windows.
“Streak of Silvery Sea.”—Mr. Gladstone (fils).
FAVOURED BY OUR
know, however, a woman who thinks nothing about her children's STRAWBERRY LEAVES.
legs being viciously kicked in this way, but who quite bowled when I A SELECTION FROM THE VERY LATEST LETTERS OF THE HONOURABLE applauded Judge Byles for ordering the cat to a garotter's shoulders. HORACE WALPOLE, OF STRAWBERRY HILL,
Please admire Bob Lowe, though Lord Holmesdale says he is the PRIVATE SPIRITUAL MEDIUM.
most hateful man in England. A sham letter, purporting to be from
some artisans, was got up, complaining that Robert, as Master of the TO SIR HORACE MANN.
Mint, starved them, by refusing to coin certain silver for a Colonel
Tomline, their employer. Lowe answered that it was not his busiBLESS your innocence, my good Sir! So you congratulate me on ness to buy silver which the Queen did not want, that there were having addicted myself to tea in an evening, and are pleased to be plenty of people ready to buy any amount, and that a yokel whose pig facetious at the idea of MR. H. W. distinguishing himself at a tea- a butcher declined to buy, did not say that the butcher starved him by party. My dear child, I forgot how long you have been out of Eng. refusing to buy his pig. 'I fancy that Silver Pig will squeak in the land. It is in the afternoon that we, nous autres, take our tea, when House one of these nights. we visit ladies and acquire scandals from them. Coffee is certainly What you tell me about the domestic warfare between Mr. and banded round after dinner, and none but fools take it, the object of Mrs. X. does not surprise me. Rely upon it that the wives of men the attention being to display the
huge silver tray, which the host may who have always been well off are kept in much better order than the bave in herited from his fathers, or picked up at his uncle's. It is an wives of men who have had to fight their way up after marriage. In affecting sight to behold a great big-bearded heavy officer, at one of the battle the two have been on so equal a footing that if one takes the the afternoon symposia, fidgeting over a tea-cup, and desperately command afterwards, it won't be the man. To say nothing of his groping therein for an idea to help out his gallant conversation. But memories of troubles which they bave shared, and which render him Y forgot again ; you believe in big officers. I never disturb a man's indulgent, unless he is a brute. But he who can make a settlement, superstitions.
can make a row, and therefore it is seldom necessary for bim to do so. We have been electing a School Board-now, don't ask me to I have not any news for you I mean the sort of news you like to explain to you all about it, because I never could explain anything in tell in the salons. You should invent it, as you want it, the foreigners my life. I honour the Hibernian who stated that the way to cast a know nothing
about us. Yes, you love Kings, and I suppose, Queens. cannon was to take a long hole and pour brass round it. We are to Well
, Queen Emma, of the Isles of Sandwiches, is not gone ad majores, have a sort of School Parliament, to vote primers and birch-no, by only some kind of dowager. I believe Her Majesty to be a very the way, the latter is an aristocratic luxury, a duke's son is birched, a worthy person, and I am glad she is well. I hope that her lady-ofcheesemonger's has a lecture read to him on self-government and his honour, whom I saw with her at the Royal Academy, is also well, for duties to the State. London has chosen her men, and women. Two so colossally beautiful a personage I never saw before or since. If the of the latter have got in, and I do not see why they should not prove Academicians had had a grain of my taste, they would have prethe best members. One of them, a delightful lady, a friend of mine, sented a petition begging the lady to sit for Judith, Jael, or Proserand a Doctor of Medicine, headed every body by a terrific majority. I pine. But perhaps they had never heard of either, and she certainly sent her tbis on one of our halfpenny cards, and probably you will would not have come well into a scene from the Vicar of Wakefield. think the verses just worth that sum :
That's all, but if your Countesses want news, tell them that the Arch" In medical language, Miss GARRETT, we're sure,
bishop of Canterbury is daily drawing nearer towards Rome. It is Can by skilled . Exhibitions' accomplish a cure;
quite true, look at his itinerary. Now, deeper she'll go, and with Pinnocks and Priscians,
Madame de Girardin says that fidelity is a luxury, for it is time lost. Teach Scholarship how to obtain Exbibitions."
I love luxury, and beg you to believe me ever, I need not tell you, who know something of British fanaticism, that
Your faithful Servant, there has been furious war over the selections, and that the Sects have
HORACE WALPOLE, fought like Sinners. One very worthy old lady protested against the Arabic numerals being taught in the Schools, having heard, as she said, that the Arabians were some kind of Mahometans. But, being a
OUR EDUCATIONISTS. sound Protestant, she allowed that this was better than anything
AN we extract from Roman.
the names of the Do not ask me about wars, the word sickens me. I am thinking of
newly elected memgiving up all my newspapers, until Janus slams his door. Everything
bers of tbe London that a civilised being can take an interest in is excluded for details of
Education Board any the savagery. I believe a paper that would shut out all war news,
gleams of hope and except the curtest record of the fall of a city, or of a dynasty, would be
crumbs of comfort gladly welcomed. Good Heaven, my dear Sir, does not the world go
for the future? Let round, with all its wonders ; and are we to close eyes and ears to
us see. The City of everything except the chronicle of gigantic murder? However, I sup
London is faithful pose that this must be coming to an end, and I dare say musicians are
to an alderman-that busy over a new Te Deum. A new one, indeed, is wanted—but you
alderman must Cor. do not care for my moralities and I dare say are at this present flat on
TON to his work. In your stomach over a big map, sticking in pins-of blue and red wax
a CROMWELL Chelwith the eagerness of a witch working at a charm-quæ movere cereas
sea has secured a imagines. For shame, my dear Sir. Surge, carnifex !
in You have no children, and I have none, which is a comfort for many
FREEMAN, it may reasons. But my non-paternity does not prevent parents from con
be an advocate of sulting me about the education of their valued offspring, and you know
gratuitous teaching, bow grave I can be on compulsion. Lately I have been much asked
it may be an un. whether boys ought to be allowed to play at foot-ball. This seems a
pledged, unfettered simple query, but, my dear Sir Horace, do you know to what our
representative. Well exquisite civilisation has attained ?. There is a game largely played at
done, gallant Greenour schools—to judge by the boys' letters, it is the final cause of educa
wich, and gallanter tion,-and it consists in a savage scramble for a big ball. To play this
Marylebone! Your game properly, a lad furnishes himself with a thick boot, with a horribly
chivalry will be reacute tip, sharpened, that the kick may be more brutal, and the dear
warded : EMILY delight of our young athletes is to kick one another's shins until they Davies and ELIZABETH GARRETT will not be the least useful memare a mass of blood and bruises. The amiable operation is called bers of the new Council. Hackney is leaning on a REED-a bold hacking. Cornish wrestling clowns used to be denounced as worse experiment, but likely enough to succeed : this division, fortified by than brutes for this practice some years ago, but now it is the charming SHERIDAN's weH-known interrogation, "What's in a name ?” and disamusement of our highly-bred young gentlemen. Its chief seat is at regarding the natural fears of youth, ventures on a CROSSMAN, who Rugby. One would pity the poor, proverbially hungry Rugby
boys will probably turn out one of the most amiable men at the Board, and perhaps, like Palamedes, they forget their hunger in a game, but has also taken care to select fa Pickt'un. In Lambeth Stiff was at they despise one's pity, and declare that their sport is the noblest, the head of the poll by a great majority, so all jokes about the contest manliest, refinedest, gloriousest thing in the world, and the
servum being a stiff one are null and void : of the other successful candidates pecus echoes them. I am not a milksop, but the sight of a stalwart in this borough Few had of course the fewest votes, but still ten young fellow kicking the shins of a child till the tears came to its thousand take a long time to count. The names of the members eyes, would not much delight me. I thought the process was con. for the remaining Metropolitan constituencies do not appear suggessidered almost harsh when it was employed as the only means of tive, but Westminster supplies the indispensable SMITH, and a very successfully cross-examining a Nigger witness in the West Indies. Ilgood workman he will make.
have suddenly gone from her, like KING NEBUCHADNEZZAR's dream, CIGARETTE PAPERS.
and she can only admit that Thomas MUDDOCK did drive her, did wait
for her about five hours, and that she hasn't paid him. NO. V.- MY AUNT'S GREAT POLICE CASE.
Why not p" asks MR. SHARPLY. Then, while my Aunt is looking
piteously at me (I studiously avoid catching her eye, not wishing to HOWEVER, the next case (though my Aunt is thoroughly prepared to jump up at a minute's notice, and, indeed, can hardly be said to be appear before I am absolutely required), he turns to the Cabman,
Did you agree for a certain sum for the job?” sitting down) is that of a stout man, without collars, against a thin The Cabman reflects. man in high collars.
"Did you, or did you not ?" asks MR. SHARPLY, who can't wait for “Now, Sir,” says MR. SHARPLY, 80 suddenly that the stout man thoughts. looks as if he is going to have a fit, and must have his neck-tie "Yes," says the Cabman, with such an air of uncertainty as to the loosened, “what is it pos
statement that MR. SHARPLY eyes him distrustfully, and then wants The stout man (much to the thin man's delight) seems to have some to know "How much P" difficulty in stating bis case. Whereupon the Clerk, underneath the
"Well," answers MR. THOMAS MUDDOCK, recovering himself a little, desk, and therefore out of the Magistrate's eye, attempts to help him. * the lady said fifteen shillings."
You charge,” says the Clerk, "MR. BNIGGS with refusing to "For the job !!” says MR. SHARPLY, suggestively. allowFor one instant the Magistrate is puzzled as to the quarter from result of his answer would be.
“For the job,” replies the Cabman, not clearly seeing what the which the voice proceeds, but it suddenly occurring to him that it is the Clerk's, he reaches over the desk to look at bim (if he had a stick distinctly that he might have to wait."
"But,” says my Aunt, now beginning to be quite at home, "I said it would be exactly like Punch with the Clown, when the latter appears “Not five hours," says Mr. THOMAS MUDDOCK, at an unexpected part of the Show), and says, with cutting irony, "I
MR. SHARPLY looks from one to the other. don't know what may be your custom here, but I always conduct the
“Yes,” says my Aunt, “I said it might be one hour or five." cases in my own Court myself.". “But, Sir," says the Clerk, "I
Did you agree as to time?" asks MR. SHARPLY of the Cabman.
No," says the Cabman, "I didn't-that is-in a way-Yes." "I don't care, Sir. I must beg you won't interfere. Now then,
"I don't believe a word you 're saying,” says MR. SHARPLY ; Sir.” This last to the complainant. But whatever matter the stout man might have had originally against "I didn't pay him, your Worship,” (she is very near saying, "My
whereat my Aunt, plucking up, and addressing the Magistrate, says, the thin man, the altercation has quite put it out of his head. He Lord”), “ because when I wanted him at night he was so intoxicated looks helplessly at the Clerk, then at the Solicitors (who despise him that he couldn't drive me. for not having employed one of them), then at the Policeman, and
MR. SHARPLY looks fiercely at the Cabman, and wishes to know what finally at the thin man, who laughs contemptuously.
he has to say to that. "Put that man out of Court !” says Mr. SHARPLY, nodding his
Mr. Thomas MUDDOCK hasn't much to say to that, but he is underhead angrily at the thin man in a way which quite takes the laugh out stood to deny the charge in an undertone. The Magistrate eyes him of him, "I won't have it,” meaning the thin man's laughing. 'If you suspiciously, and is about to make an observation when my Aunt lugs can't behave yourself, Sir, you'd better go out.”
me into it. The Wavering Policeman eyes the thin man imploringly, as much as
“Here's my nephew, Sir, a barrister, saw him; he'll tell you, Sir." to say, “Do mind what he says. Don't compel me to take you up. Whereat I feel that the eyes of Europe (specially, unwashed Europe)
Now, Sir," says the Magistrate, for the third time, to the stout are upon me, and become very hot and uncomfortable in consequence, complainant, Are you going to keep us here all day? What do you "O!” says MR. SHARPLY, "there are witnesses. Now, Sir!” charge him with ?”
I believe it to be quite a chance that the stout man, being utterly The Cabman comes out of the box, and I go in. A stout Policeman confused and muddled, didn't answer “ Burglary" on the spur of the hands me a Testament, and I take my oath to what I am going to say; moment. His lips move, but he is silent. Stand down, Sir," says MR. SHARPLY, utterly disgusted with the nervousness wears off in a witness-box, and what a strong temptation
I notice that, if not badgered, it is surprising how very soon one's man's imbecility. Now, next case.
there is to become confidential with the Magistrate or anyone who The stout man is led from the box in a wandering state, and is "wishes to ask this witness a question.” joined by the thin man and the Wavering Policeman, who shows them
“Now, Sir, tell us what happened.' out; and on the other side of the door, I suppose, they will forgive I detail the facts of the Cabman's being unable to find the road, and one another, and weep in each other's arms.
attempt some pathos about my fear for my Aunt's safety. Having The next case is my Aunt's. Thomas MUDDOCK, the Cabman, is called. He steps into the wit- now like to romance a little, and introduce a joke or two, just by way
finished my facts, and got quite pleasant with MR. SHARPLY, I should ness-box, looking very respectable, and totally unlike the drunken man of lightening the entertainment. I have a sort of latent idea that Mr. who couldn't drive my Aunt on the memorable night of her visit to my SHARPLY will ask me to step into his private room, or send me, by a house. Thomas MUDDOCK takes his oath, and tells his story. He drove second bottle of port, or the first cigar, he would say, " And now, old
policeman, an invitation to dinner that night. I fancy that with the the lady from Jummin Street to Squedgely, ten miles out of town, fellow, what was the truth about that Cabman, eh? I suppose he where he waited for her five houts, and he claims thirty-two shillings. really was drunk, eh ?" But this is an ideal SHARPLY at home, and Which is all clear en h.
not SHARPLY the real on the bench. So far the Cabman has it entirely his own way.' My Aunt has come
This occurs to me in the few seconds that MR. SHARPLY takes to out of the pew, and is clutching me by the elbow. Where shall I consider the case, and he interrupts my reflections with, go ?” she asks, shaking all over.
“What do you consider the right fare to your house !" I am hot and excited. I beg of her to keep cool. She is called. The clerk says, “HENRIETTA !" and then adds the surname.
I answer boldly, “ Eight shillings," this being rather a fancy price of The Magistrate only catches half, and asks, abruptly,
my own than what I am obliged to give when I take a cab from town “Where is he? Where is HENRY? Why doesn't hen"
to my Cottage near a Wood, at Squedgely. My Aunt is beckoned by the Clerk. She has heard of people “ being
"Twelve shillings there and back, you would consider quite suffi. accommodated with a seat on the bench," and she thinks she is to go and cient?" asks MR. SHARPLY, giving the finishing touches to the case. sit by the Magistrate, out of consideration for her sex, and tell her
MR. SHARPLY decides in a rapid, off-hand manner. “ You 'll” (to plain unvarnished tale confidentially. She is shaking her head, and my Aunt) pay him twelve shillings. Cabman pay his own costs. explaining in dumb show to the Clerk that she doesn't see how to get Now, then, call the next case." there without climbing over the Solicitors' bench, and crossing the
I think the next case must be that of our friend the Rum Lady, as table, when
I see the dreaded PURKISS rising to address the Magistrate as we are "Now,,, then,” , says the Magistrate, impatiently, "where is leaving the Court. HENRY" he can't catch the other name"I can't wait. We must I look back once, tenderly, at MR. SHARPLY, with a sort of lingering call the next case.
idea that he will yet send me the invitation to dinner, or, at all events, And the next case” would have been called there and then but for wave his hand to me genially from the bench. Nothing of the sort. my Aunt trying to get into the dock, from which she is taken by a I and my aunt's case have gone clean out of his head, and he is telling policeman, who informs her that she can stand behind the Solicitors. MR. PURKISS“that he really can't listen to this; that he hasn't got
She has a sort of reticule on her left arm, she has given me her time for these details ;” and becoming once more so irritable that even parasol to hold, and she places her right hand on the back of the the dreaded PURKiss will be quenched, and the Rum Lady remain seat.
unheard. Seeing this figure before him, the Magistrate arrives at the conclu [On mature reflection, it occurs to me that MR. SHARPLY is the sion that HENRY is a surname, and addresses her with
right man in the right place, and his brisk method of sifting the “Now, Miss HENRY, what have you got to say to this ?”
Wheat from the intolerable amount of Chaff, is, on the whole, beneUp to this moment she has had a great deal to say, but it appears to l ficial to the public.]