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WHOM THE CAP FITS.
PURCHAS has a church, as.
All folks know, at Brighton. our dear foreign friends
Creed, too, if you'll search, as, and neighbours are ac
He says, is the right ’un.
Rites he cometh various,
Which the Brighton talk are :
Eke he hath, called WALKER. *
Low-Church fiends exhibited
Articles 'gainst PURCHAS; people of France feeling
Wanted him inhibited, intensely satisfied at the
False to English Church as ! prospect of England being
And amongst the charges,
Made in this dead set a-
Gainst him, very large is
The Cap called biretta.
mation, renders highly probable. It will, they exclaim, estrange England from Prussia, and oblige England to
The cap called biretta approach France. Other papers are very practical in their observations. They say,
Black is and four-sided : If England wants to save France to assist her in fighting Russia, let her take a serious resolution, and land at any of our ports a considerable number of artillery guns, munitions,
Skull-cap, called zucchetta,
It hath sewed inside it. and 100,000 men. In six weeks there would not be a Prussian in France."
For its senses spiritual, More probably a great deal there would not be an Englishman. Our little con
What’tis round and square for, tingent would, in six weeks' time, have been annihilated. This would be a
WALKER see, his “Ritual hopeful way, indeed, for a commencement, of going to war with Russia. The old
Reason why and wherefore."
For the ritual school's caps
BULL thinks he has found ones
With more point (as fools’-caps) If we were to take French advice, we might adapt the ancient rhyme to present
Than or square or round ones. circumstances, somewhat thus :
But should curious talker
Ask what's that zucchetta,
Which is worn (see WALKER)
Inside the biretta. In continuation of the foregoing "Notes” we are told that:“ You do not meet with a Frenchman who, when speaking of the somewhat insulting
This is what he gleanethattitude of Russia towards England in her despatches concerning the revision of the Treaty,
Heads and roots are some kinfails to exclaim, ' C'est bien fait !!”
That zucchetta meaneth And the Note-writer adds :
Simply, "little pumpkin."
Whence a fancy nimble “This is very natural ; if not benevolent, it is human nature, wicked human nature."
May, if faith but guide it, Foreign nature, rather-wicked foreign nature. No doubt it is natural enough
See in cap a symbol for the average Frenchman to rejoice in the prospect that we English, hating war
Of the head inside it. as we do the Author of war, shall be obliged to engage in it against our will. It is natural for the Frenchman as a foreigner. But, if natural of him as a foreigner,
Punch this exposition it is, just now, rather stupid of him as a Frenchman. If we are to go to war
WALKER gives, in season with Russia, that undertaking will be business amply sufficient to engross all our
For the Next Edition
Of his “Ritual Reason.” attention. We shall have quite enough to do to mind our own business, and shall certainly not concern ourselves, if we can help it, with that of anybody else.
Not left in the lurch, as France will not be the battle-ground on which we shall send troops to fight the
Some books that cause talk are Prussians when as many soldiers as we can spare will be wanted to fight the
While there is a PURCHAS, Russians elsewhere, and most likely to defend Canada against our kind American
There'll be sale for WALKER ! cousins. We shall be much too busily engaged even to take any opportunity which may present itself of trying to negotiate a peace between France and
Change 'twere for the better Germany. Our excellent French well-wishers, who 'say c'est bien fait that Russia
If he dropped the story,
That bir- and zuch etta
Typify priests' glory.
Type of truth more staring
“Pumpkin-heads are suited A DRAMATIC WARNING.
Pumpkin-caps for wearing." GAROTTERS belong to a class of persons mostly destitute of education. Some of that class, however, capable of reading, may be impressed with a salutary admo- signed “C. WALKER CÆREMONARIUS,” of St.
See this gentleman's letters on the biretta and zucchetta
Brighton, nition by the announcement, in the playbills of the Royalty Theatre, of MR. author of The Ritual Reason Why.” REECE's new "civic” burlesque, entitled Whittington Junior and his Sensation Cat. The passing ruffian, able to make those words out, will very probably be reminded by them that he had better not commit robbery attended with violence,
Stable Advice. because, should he be convicted of that crime, he will have to experience the sensations excited by the instrumentality of that most disagreeable Sensation Cat, the Cat-o'-nine-tails.
THE wisest course to be pursued by a stable-minded gentleman who has a large landed estate, when he finds he
runs a risk of ruining his property by his horse-racing To Correspondents.
proclivities, is to exercise at once his legal Right of PUNCH really does not undertake to answer questions which may be solved Turbary, or of cutting the turf. with the aid of a shilling dictionary. But having taken the trouble to say this, he may as well add for the benefit of the "group of gentlemen,” that the word is spelt neither "Kerb," “Cerb,” “Curb," nor "Kirb,” but Kurb, though it is derived
ALEXANDER NICOLAIEFF. from the Latin Curbum, an edging, which is again derived from the Syriac “Coorbaim," used two or three times by HERODOTUS in his famous account of the
OLD NICK, ALICK, OLD NICK's son; Eleusinian Mysteries of Udolpho.
Going on like OLD NICK YOUNGJNICK has begun.
THE BEST “WAR NOTES.”-Bank notes for the Sick and Wounded.
“TIRED NATURE.”-A Yawning Gulf.
WHAT PRIDE SWALLOWS.
Donkey for Dinner. If horse is good to eat, donkey is twice as good. An ass in Paris sells for 600 francs; a horse fetches no more than 300 francs. Donkey is accounted a delicacy by the besieged Parisians; they call it áne, and it eats like veal. Thus at least says a voyager from Paris by way of balloon. The similitude of the taste of donkey to that of veal is remarkable when that fact is considered in connection with the circumstance that, in a psychological sense, Calf and Ass, as applied to a certain kind of person, are convertible terms.
Knows it to His Cost. “EXTENSIVE Show-rooms for Costumes and Mantles.” PATERFAMILIAS, strolling down Regent Street, the other evening, in the dusk, mistook the first word in this notice in a draper's shop window, and read it "expensive." It
was not a very extraordinary mistake to make. BEREAVED.
A PRIMA DONNA, First Pitman. " THOU HESSENT
THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIB. Hoo's THAT, MAN ?"
It is said that Italy, with respect to the Eastern QuesSecond Pitman. “TAOU KNAWS The Dog's DEBD, AND AW KENNET GETTEN Austria. In this concert let us hope that Italy will sustain
tion, is disposed to act in concert with England and ANOTHER; AN' A CAAP LEUKS TA FOND WIVOUT A Dog !"
a part equal to her musical renown.
The Solicitor continues, " It arises, Sir, out of an ejectment-
“We really haven't any time for this. It must go to another No. IV.-MY AUNT'S GREAT POLICE CASE.
Court. What's the next case ?” MR. SHARPLY I notice has a quick eye and a surprised head of A Wavering Policeman, whose duty it is to call in the next case, hair, which gives one the idea of his having been interrupted in the looks from the Solicitor to the Magistrate, helplessly. process of being brushed by machinery.
The Solicitor persists. “An assault, Sir, arising out of an ejectHe has a sharp, crisp, manner, and is evidently inclined to be what ment.”. The word "assault”, catches MR. SHARPLY's ear, and (after people call "short” with everyone present-specially the Clerk and the evidently muttering to himself, “ Hang the assault !” or something Solicitors.
stronger) he says, petulantly, "Well, where is he?" He stands up with the air of a man who is not to be badgered or
says the Solicitor, astonished. put down, and places his hands on the table-desk in such a springy “Yes,” repeats the Magistrate,, "where is he—the complainant ? and elastic way as to suggest, that, on the slightest provocation, he will Now, my dear Sir, do make haste!” vault over, dash in among the papers and inkstands on the Solicitors' The Solicitor explains that the complainant is a “she." table, “scatter his enemies, and make them fall."
'Well,” says the irascible Mr. SHARPLY, in a tone that means anyEverybody's breath is quite taken away by his sudden and unex- thing but “well”_"Where is she? Do get on.” And here he looks pected appearance.
at his watch. While animation, as it were, is being restored, MR. SHARPLY ob. MRS. SOMEBODY is thereupon called, and comes into the witness-box. serves, rapidly, “ Gentlemen, I regret the accident that brings me here. She is rather vague, to commence with, on the subject of her name, I have a great deal of business in the other Court which I haven't got but having succeeded in making the Clerk understand it (MR. SHARPLY, through, and to which I must return. Therefore, I am sure I may rely to expedite matters, positively invents a name, which the complainant upon you, Gentlemen, to assist in pushing on the business here as repudiates), she waits to be asked a question. quickly as possible. Now, what is it?
The Solicitor commences—“You were, I believe, inThis sudden interrogation is addressed to a Solicitor who has risen “Now,” interrupts MR. SHARPLY, “ Do let her tell her own story! in front of the Magistrate.
We must get on.' The Solicitor will not, he says, detain the Magistrate one second
This, however, turns out to be about the worst way of “getting on longer than he can help
that could have been hit upon, as the complainant's story is chiefly about Here MR. SHARPLY cuts him short with, "Well, well, what is it? what Somebody else said (which the Magistrate won't hear), and what What's the case ?
she told Somebody else to tell to a third person, not present (which the "The fact is,” says the Solicitor, evidently not accustomed to this Magistrate won't receive as evidence). way of doing business, “the fact is "-here he puts on his spectacles- "I really can't listen to this,” says MR. SHARPLY, frowning at the "that I have an application to make to you, Sir,”-here he produces Solicitor, as much as to say "You ought to know better.” Then, to some papers, and MR. SHARPLY, who has been leaning forward on bis the Policeman, "Call the next case.” elbows, as if to give him every attention, sets himself bolt upright The unfortunate complainant leaves the box, and disappears, utterly again, as if determined to do nothing of the sort.
bewildered. The Wavering Policeman is about to call the next case,
when it, as it seems, calls itself, for a short man advances between the vious to his bankruptcy, and”-here he warms with his subject, and dock and the Solicitors' bench with a bag full of papers, and addresses addresses the Magistrate forcibly—“on the second of June in the year his Worship.
eighteen hundred and sixty-sevenThe Magistrate places himself on his elbows, and bends towards him “O, I can't listen to this,” says MR. SHARPLY, shaking his head. with both hands up to his ears.
Call the next case.' “Now then, Sir," he says, as briskly as ever (always on a sort of "But, Sir,” says the Man with the Bag, appealingly. MR. SHARPLY one down, t'other come on” principle), “Who are you? What do is down on him. "Don't bawl at me, Sir. Good gracious! is it to you want? Go on, Sir."
be a question whether you are to be heard, or I ? No, Sir,”_seeing The Gentleman with the Bag commences. It appears that he wants the man beginning again, "I won't have it. Go away, Sir. Here! a great deal. It also appears that he has been before that Court several (to Wavering Policeman.) Remove that person. Now, call the next times before, and has an application to make. The word "applica- case. tion” settles his business at once.
The “person” doesn't wait to be removed, but removes himself, bag “I really can't take up the public time,” says MR. SHARPLY (meaning and all, and retires, explaining his case to the Wavering Policeman, his own time) “with applications. Stand down, Sir.".
who evidently does his best to comfort him, without committing himself But the Man with a Bag hasn't come there to stand down. He in- to any view which may compromise him in his official character. sists upon the Magistrate hearing him.
A vagrant, all dirt, rags, and tatters, has stepped into the dock. "A case, Sir," the Man with the Bag goes on, while MR. SHARPLY Poor fellow !” says my Aunt; the first words she has uttered since stands aghast at his perseverance, and looks round the Court at the the advent of MR. SHARPLY, who has utterly staggered her, people and police with the kind of air with which HENRY must have A Policeman is in the witness-box, and takes his oath on a Testament said of THOMAS-À-BECKRT, “Have I no one who will rid me of this with the greatest ease. utter bore?" I think the Wavering Policeman has some passing “Now, then,” says MR. SHARPLY. idea of removing the Man with a Bag, but he can't make up his mind to The Policeman deposes that he was on duty, &c., &c., and saw, &c., any decisive step.
&c., and warned, &c., &c. And it all rolls off his tongue as pleasantly The man proceeds—"A case, Sir, has arisen out of a matter of tres- as possible, and the Vagrant is asked if he has anything to say to MR. pass- " MR. SHARPLY frowns, and resumes his attitude of attention, SHARPLY on the subject; and it appearing that the Vagrant has nothing as much as to intimate that he'll give him a chance, and just see what to say to him, after giving him one second to think it over, he (MR. he's driving at—" of trespass, which is of great immediate interest to SHARPLY) has something to say to the Vagrant, which is, that he is the persons concerned, and to the public in general”-movement of committed for a month with hard labour; and this being all done, impatience on the part of MR. SHARPLY-"and I should say that in settled, and dismissed at high-steam pressure, the Vagrant is taken this case "-- MR. SHARPLY refers to his watch—"I am the complainant away by a Policeman, and justice being satisfied, MR. SHARPLY darts a and the solicitor." MR. SHARPLY all attention again. Man with Bag look at his watch, and calls for “the next case. continues, evidently aware that the thread of his discourse may be We have all along be expecting that ours is the next case, and my snipped at any moment—"The ground landlord of Number Two, Aunt is in a frightfully nervous state, and very pale. The Rum Lady, Fuller's Gardens, received the sum of ten shillings and sixpence pre-l too, is becoming excited, and has her eye still fixed on" that PURKISS.
OUR CALCULATING GIRLS.
“Produce market. Jute. Steady. On the spot about 500 bales have
Circulars and Sovereigns. rapid are her acts of mental mathe. matics that we would back her, after A GANG of American coiners, under the name of a firm, have been throwing but one glance round the sending over from New York a number of business Circulars recomroom, to enumerate the details of at mending, as especially eligible for passing as genuine, a peculiar deleast a dozen dresses, naming the right scription of base sovereigns which they have manufactured. The number of flounces on each dress, and arrival of these Circulars concerning base Sovereigns, simultaneously even of the bows of ribbon worn as with GORTSCHAKOFF's Circular on the part of his Sovereign, is a ornament. Give her a clear five remarkable coincidence. minutes' talk and she will astonish your male mind by appraising the costume of all the partners you have
The New Style.
and what amount of lace and labour
Birds of Bad Habits.
A CORRESPONDENT of the Times states that a pair of house-martens
members of the Swallow turned, before, to hide its shabbiness, she sewed that cheap black crape family remind one of jolly companions who won't go home till morning, on it. Besides this, if you ask her, she will calculate the sum that also of those who, though sober, dance, and stay dancing at balls and MRS. SKYNFLYNT pays per annum to get her daughters“gloves
cleaned ; evening parties up to hours equally unseasonable. They are late birds. and she will count up what Miss CRESUS (to whom you were so attentive that you danced twice running with her) would, at her present rate of usage, expend annually on scents, if it were not for the fact that
AT THE ANTIPODES. her Papa (as you, of course, have heard) was a perfumer.
THERE are Swells all over the world. From a review in the Times, we are delighted to find that New Zealand as well as Old England has
its “ Hau-hau Sect.” The Courier of St. Petersburg. DANIEL O'CONNELL used to boast that he could drive a coach and DR. JOHNSON's Last.—(By Our Own Medium).—Sir, Don't talk to six through an Act of Parliament. The CZAR OF Russia has tried his me of self-sacrifice. Sir, the man who would sacrifice himself has hand at driving his Imperial carriage through a Treaty.
less sense than an ox.
ADVANTAGE OF A MUSICAL EDUCATION.
WHO'S AFRAID? Who's afraid of the CZAR?_Who fears going to war with Russia, is forced ! Not the people of England. It is unlikely that England would be invaded. Not our soldiers and sailors. They are all volunteers, hired to fight, at comparatively small wages, and care no more for death or mutilation than, on an average, two-pence-halfpenny a day. Nobody, fears, or needs fear, a Russian war, except those classes of the community who are chargeable with Income-tax, and by whom alone the expenses of all wars which the nation at large may hereafter engage in at any time are to be defrayed. CZAR ALEXANDER and PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF may rest assured that no objection which these persons may entertain to bearing the whole burden of war expenses will have the slightest effect in withholding the British Government from pursuing that course which this great country thinks requisite to vindicate its honour.
THE LAY OF THE LONDON LODGER,
IN QUEST OF A QUIET STREET. 'Tis the voice of the Lodger, you hear him complain :Of peace and of quiet my quest is in vain; For a place of repose, alas ! seek where I may, Vile noises disturb me by night and by day. At the first blush of dawn I'm aroused from my sleep, By a cry far-resounding that belloweth “Sweep!” Then my ears are assailed by the mewing cats, Till the postmen begin their discordant rat-tats. Single knocks then are heard, and the clamour of “Pots!” That tells of Jate suppers and beer-bibbing sots. Wbile echo bears on ward the shrill “Milk below!” And mingles the sound with the cry of “Old Clo'." Next, I'm tortured by hearing a voice scream "Cats'-meat!” While my so-called pork sausage I placidly eat: And tho' neither for haddock nor herring I wish, My ears are besieged with the charms of those fish. Street organs arrive ere I've broken my fast, And till midnight their torments unceasingly last; While to madden me more come united the tones Of the harp and the cornet, the banjo and bones. Then my ears are assailed by the bawling of boys, Who " Second Heditions” proclaim with great noise : And, much as I sigh for a moment of peace, 'Tis in vain for my aid that I seek the police. O why was I born with two ears in my head ? Even one were too much in the life that I'm led. Be warned by my fate, quiet friends, I entreat, And ne'er hope for peace in a quiet back-street.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerken
well, in the County of Middleser, at the Printing Ofices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co...Lom bard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London,
and Published by him at No.86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. --BATURDAY, December 3, 1870.