Practised no trickery, DICTA FOR DANCING. (Lectures on the Gay Science by Tobaccolaureus Artium.) Drank all the chicory, Which shows, if nothing else did, or would, how blameless and simple were the followers of the goddess, and also the nature of their libations in her honour. But antiquarianism must not detain us; though the substance of the above will serve admirably for conversations between partners during quadrilles, when such topics as the weather, the Park, and the Opera, have been exhausted. 2. The Quadrille Reformed. HE season is iar advanced, and said above, Dancing is a language for the feelings, let us point our toes has arrived at the con- that there are several old Grand Rule for all Occasions.-When in doubt, balancez, La Poule, Cross over on the first opportunity, and get back again far. Take hold of somebody and chassez: apologise, if wrong. on the first opportunity after that. Thank heaven for your safety so La Trénise.-Ladies' chain. Set to some one; your partner, if possible. Advance twice, with or without partner. Change sides. Glissade, chassez, and turn partners inwards. (This is usually called tend to promote hilarity and the Colwell-Hatchney Figure.) good humour, and would La Pastorale and La Finale is chiefly advancing and retiring ad drag the aforesaid Wall-libitum, and galopading about with your partner. Be always ready to flowers from their seclusion start galopading, and say, "Now then, come along!" A shout adds to the real excitement. But better perhaps leave this until after supper. and repose. The Tobaccolaureus Artium proposes N.B. Figures in themselves are of small importance to the true (it is for Professors, according to University announcements, always dancer; steps are everything. Genius invents figures as it goes on, and "to propose "-let the proverb be finished by whoever cares to do it) steps too, to hold classes in his L.F.T. (Light Fantastic Toe) School, but for the benefit of those who cannot at present, or will not just now attend, he further proposes to publish a few hints (the mere sketches of his oral teaching) for the Ball Room, which he at once commences. 1. On the End and Aim of all Dancing. Dancing is the Poetry of Motion. Considering how often a motion is before the House of Commons, it is surprising what opportunities it has lost, of converting the most prosaic, into the most poetical proceeding. If every Honourable Member danced when he had to move," what marvellous steps the House might take towards the despatch of business! "The Art of Dancing is one whereby the feelings are expressed."How true this is everyone who has seen, or joined in, a waltz, must immediately acknowledge. Rage, Jealousy, Love, Respect, all are to be gathered, by the observer, from the manner in which the trois temps, or deux temps, is performed. One object in these hints will be an attempt to revivify the polka. Wallflowers have forgotten this as well as other figures; thinking, in fact, very little of any figures except their own. With the ancient Greeks and Romans, dancing was a part of their religious rites. So it is now in England; the high-priestesses are the Matchmaking Mothers. Regardless of their doom, the little victims dance. Dancing contributes to the preservation of health, and is apparent from the absolute necessity entailed upon every Paterfamilias, with sons and daughters, of rushing off to the seaside, or to some watering-place on the Continent, where the young people appear with the glow of health on their cheeks, the sparkle of life in their eyes, and exhibit a strength of limb, which will overcome mountains. In these you behold the votaries of the Dance, the most constant worshippers, the Fast Partners, who have done three parties a-night since the commencement of the season, and, Saturday evenings excepted, have never been in bed for nearly three months, before five in the morning. Dancing is conducive to the formation of manners, as we shall proceed to show, by giving a few rules for conduct in the ball-room. Finally, great and illustrious men in all ages, have danced. SOCRATES danced; PLATO danced; XENOPHON invariably danced while writing his Anabasis. HENRI QUATRE of France nobly said, in answer to one of his bishops, that "he danced because he liked it; a reply that appears at the time to have given considerable satisfaction to his subjects. CESAR AUGUSTUS invented the ballet, and NERO is too vulgar an instance for us to quote here. In old days, as the Poet sings, They Made for Terpsichore The Royal Wales Quadrille, or Prince's Fancy, as danced at ALL Top couple advance, retire, and turn inwards. All chassez across, in the form of a star, and 3. Etiquette. troduced to her, and you will not be thought guilty of presumption in You may galopade with a lady all about the room without being inso doing. When you've finished with her, put her down somewhere. You are not bound to ask her name and address, nor need you take any further notice of her. SPEED THE "DENOMINATIONAL SYSTEM." To the rescue from the State, Your own poor with your own views, To this end there's but one way, That you school, between you, all, France in a Frenzy. WHAT if PRINCE LEOPOLD of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen, Catholic Hohenzollern, were to become KING OF SPAIN? As a constitutiona Sovereign, what power would he have, even had he the will, to help the Protestant KING OF PRUSSIA to subjugate France? The French doubtless, has OLLIVIER, SO has the DUC DE GRAMONT; and they may have the reputation of being dainty. Their Emperor has a taste; so, have cause to be offended with the great Teutonic sausage, but must be over fastidious indeed to object so violently as they do to a milu "Small German." "THE CUT DIRECT." (Given and Returned.) WHEN LESSEPS planned the project grand Of cutting Suez' isthmus, Looking askance, BULL seemed to stand Buttoned his pockets: cash from him In short, gave him and his big whim, Lo, LESSEPS now, with bright bold brow, Backs him, from whom she backed! Magnanimous, as strong men are, "Twixt "deed" and plan your Englishman The difference can detect! The beau role's yours: you have had ours; Now we've your "Cut Direct!" RAINFALL AND REASON. A FRENCH Chemist, arguing from the fact that great battles have coincided with heavy showers, has proposed that, in order to terminate a drought, the attempt should be made to shake rain out of the clouds by a general cannonade. This, with the view, apparently, of getting the popular mind of France to entertain the idea of it, he suggests, might be associated with some religious celebration. We should like to know what FARADAY would have said to this twofold proposal, which, if it were practised, and found to answer, might rather mislead the faithful but unscientific multitude? A French philosopher might not mind doing that, but a true English one would. We would dissociate the theological from the scientific experiment for the deduction of rain. Invoke St. Swithin on St. Swithin's day if you like, but try your cannonade on some day before or after. crescent moon rose in the amber sky. The sound of plashing oars and merry voices mingled with the nightingale's plaintive trill and the pensive chime of distant bells. "Seated on the bank, sat a youthful pair. Their hands were joined, WHAT can be more magnificent than this apostrophe to "Time" by her face was turned to his with all the ardour of passionate affection, THOMSON? "O, Time! thou greatest autocrat of all Who reign o'er millions and o'er millionnaires, All things were bright, and fresh, and gay, and cheap, The almost crystalline clearness of the following profound reflection of KANT'S cannot fail to be at once appreciated: "We are not what we seem. We are something else, and yet the identical. Our entity wavers, but our being remains immutable. Essence is in permanence, accidents vacillate. Various in invariableness, with many phases, but of one unyielding type, we are not to-morrow as we were the day before yesterday, and a fortnight hence we shall be on our way to Newhaven." No other author, ancient or modern, could bring the pleasing scene which ADDISON describes, before our very eyes with equal vividness and fidelity to Nature. He says: "I walked by the side of a stately river, renowned in commerce, in history, in tuneful song. The evening was tranquilly beautiful; the sun was departing in regal glory; the with all the purity of maiden innocence, Wishful not to disturb their happiness, I selected a path which took my steps away from the tuft of verdure they occupied, when, turning once more to admire the glowing west, I saw, to my amazement, my sorrow, that her head was averted, that her hand was no longer clasped in his. That moment a cloud passed over the face of the moon. Had a cloud so soon overshadowed their happiness? My interest in the lovers overcame my unwillingness to intrude on their retirement. I approached, and heard a slight but familiar noise. My fears were dispelled, my doubts were at an end. She had turned away her face, and withdrawn her handto sneeze!" A Warning to Waiters. BY A FREQUENT DINER-OUT. YE, at tables small or great, Who stand behind our chairs in state, CECUMENICAL AND CANINE. WARM work as well as words may be anticipated at Rome if the debate on Infallibility is to go on, so that the POPE's proposed dogma shall be discussed during the dog-days. (PAT ERFAMILIAS'S STEAM-YACHT HAS COME TO A STAND-STILL, THE FIRES HAVING GONE OUT.) Polite Stranger (paddling to the rescue). "MAY I OFFER YOU A LIGHT, SIR?" SPECIAL PLEADERS' MUTUAL PROTECTION SOCIETY. THIS Society appeals for support to those unfortunate practitioners who have incurred heavy penalties by their unskilfulness in framing Declarations of attachment, but who are still courageously bent on devoting their tender energies to please. Statisticians have computed that fines amounting to £85,703 14s. 10d. are annually exacted from "promising juniors" who have declared in error. One very distressing case occurred recently, where an ingenious young Scotch Lady, aged 27, succeeded in obtaining damages to the tune of £1,000 by playing on a Cornet. The Cornet we may add was spasmodically affected on hearing his banns published at Church for the first time of asking. A still more shocking calamity happened to M. D., a retired emotional Physician, who was mulcted in £3,000 by a young Spanish Widow, whose second husband M. D. learned when too late, had very shortly after marriage sighed and sued for a judicial separation, failing which he had let himself down into a quicksilver mine in Siberia. This Society guarantees to indemnify its members against all losses occasioned by chivalrous promises, and will furnish them with an approved form of Declaration, adapted to fascinate beauty, while her guardians are deprived of their mercenary sting. Form of Declaration. I, A. B. (Bachelor) truly, solemnly and sincerely declare that I am held and firmly bound to L. N. (Spinster) by the ties of (admiration or affluence as the case may be), and I promise and engage to offer the said L. N. my heart, hand and fortune within (six) calendar months from this date. Provided nevertheless that this Declaration shall be null and void to all intents and purposes on any of the following conditions: 1. If L. N. (Spinster) shall become a Doctor of Civil Law, or be called to the Bar of Missouri (U. S)., or be appointed a Professor of Sanscrit in any English or Foreign University. 2. If L. N. shall, by intimidation or otherwise, control the election of Members of Parliament, or shall publicly or privately advocate Spinster suffrage pure and simple. 3. If it be discovered that L. N. has never been separated from her Mamma. 4. If at Croquet L. N. shall be inordinately obsequious to a suffragan Bishop as Patron of the lawn. 5. If L. N. shall wear an outrageous chignon of an objectionable colour. 6. If alone, or in conjunction with other speculative Spinsters, L. N. shall float a Company, or become immersed in bubbles, or prompted by feminine notions of economy, shall make " time-bargains," or look with tender regard on Bears" of any kind whatever. 7. If L. N. shall confess to have spent a pleasant day pending A. B.'s recovery from influenza. 8. If, aspiring to fame, L. N. shall translate the Iliad, or exhibit in any walk of literature a Grecian bend. 9. If L. N. oblivious of the female shall go so far as to drive a Mail or a Curricle, or shall covet the reins of Government, or the position of a Ministerial "whip." 10. If maliciously designing to destroy his gravity and disturb his balance, L. N. shall bother the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER when mounted on his favourite bicycle with £2 7s. 1d. for unpaid Income-tax. 11. If in fashionable mockery of Professor TYNDALL, L. N. shall raise a dust in the Park, proudly regardless of the mischief which follows in her train. Finally. If in cooler moments A. B. (Bachelor) shall think better of it, and wisely prefer entering the Trappe Monastery, to being caught in a matrimonial trap. WEATHER REPORT.-In many country parishes the drought is having one very serious effect-the Sermons are drier than ever. PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. MPORTANT! Monday, July 4th. Posterity, observe! This week is note-worthy, by reason that in it broke on Europe the news that PRIM of Spain had selected LEOPOLD of Hohen Tuesday. Very materially indeed did the Lords modify their treatment of the Irish Land Bill. Specially, by 130 to 38 votes, was restored the old form of the Bill in regard to the amount of rent that is to entitle a tenant to compensation. It again rests at £100, to secure the approval of the "leaders of the Irish tenantry." Some alterations by the Ministers were accepted by the Conservatives, and on the concluding night of debate the Bill was read a Third Time, LORD LEITRIM alone shouting forth his discontent. zollern-Sigmaringen Catholic friends at a distance and near will please accept this intimation. The Ecclesiastical Titles Act has ceased to be. Let's have a féte at the Crystal Palace, with a firework picture of S. Peter's, and His Holiness smilingly accepting compensation presented by Britannia? In two years the Thames Embankment from Chelsea to Battersea will be finished, said SIR WILLIAM TITE. The eminent architect added, that though we can't afford granite, we shall use a stone called millstone grit, and thus have a beautiful and elaborate stone wall instead of brick. Dear MR. AYRTON, but that you are going away(you must go away)-and, therefore, you need counsel no longer, Punch would ask you, Why can't you answer an aesthetic question as SIR WILLIAM TITE does? You can't think how easy and pleasant civility is when you once get into the habit of using it? as King of Spain, and that NAPOLEON of France forbad the elevation of a Prussian Prince to the Peninsular throne. Europe believes that if the KING OF PRUSSIA supports or permits the selection, there will be another "War of the Spanish Succession." As the war at present known by that name cost England at least £62,000,000 (let us put it into words also, for the better appreciation of the amount-Sixty-Two Millions of Pounds Sterling), it may be hoped that if the apprehended conflict take place, England will manage to keep out of it, the rather that it matters not at all to her who reigns in Spain. There must be some Parliamentary utterances on this subject-perhaps there may be a legion-so here the Public has the case stated once for all. To-day the Lords spoke on the Bill for making illegal the sale of the next presentation to a benefice, and of certain advowsons. Up came, of course, the irrepressible Rights of Property, and the Bill was read a Second Time, only on condition of its being sent to a Select Committee. LORD SALISBURY thought that if purchase in the Church were abolished, we should have to abolish purchase in the Army. May be so; but buying the right to be killed, and buying the right to preach religion are surely as distinct things as can well co-exist. The Bill for sequestering the benefices of parsons who do not pay their debts, was passed by the Lords-who always pay theirs. By the way, it has just been finally decided that a Peer may be a bankrupt. Imagine a Lord walking in procession with his certificate in his coronet! Clearly, these be no feudal times. Married Women's Property Bill is sent to a Committee, and Mr. Punch relies upon that noble body to make the excellent Bill excellenter, but by no means to impair its value to those who now suffer most unjustly for want of protection. The Lords can stick up stoutly for Rights of Property, as has been seen. Here is an opportunity for doing so in the most righteous way. Note, if you please, that LORD GRANVILLE is the new Foreign Secretary, that LORD KIMBERLEY is the new Colonial Secretary, that LORD HALIFAX (olim SIR CHARLES WOOD) is the new Lord Privy Seal, that MR. FORSTER enters the Cabinet (the Commons cheered him, and Mr. Punch echoes the cheer), and that MR. TREVELYAN, ceasing to be Admiralty Lord because he disapproves of a portion of the Education Bill, is succeeded by LORD CAMPERDOWN, Lord-in-Waiting, who was 1st Class in Classics at Balliol, and is descended from our glorious old Admiral, VISCOUNT DUNCAN, who nobly put into the family arms the figure of the Sunderland sailor, CRAWFORD, who, at the battle of Camperdown, did seven times, amid a storm of shot, nail his Admiral's flag to the mainmast of the Venerable. Here be three "who's" in six lines, Census next year, Ladies. In Ireland it is to be Religious; that is, the professed faith of everybody is to be stated. So, in Scotland. But in England it is to be Irreligious. The reason of this is, that when a person does not describe himself as belonging to any particular sect, he is claimed by the Church of England, and sundry who are not her friends desire not that she should be thus aggrandised. but it is too hot to recast sentences. Mr. J. B. Smith. Will the Post-Master-General now adopt the French Gram ? Lord Hartington. He won't. A good talk about Counts Out. There have been many of late, and divers Members wax wrathful. But there is to be no surrender of the right of the House to be relieved altogether of speeches which are not worth the attention of forty Members. MR. DISRAELI very properly suggested that there should be no sharp, snatching practice, but that a gentleman's instinct should guide the mover of a count. University Tests Bill went through Committee, and next day was MR. LAMBERT advised MR. LOWE to pay the National Debt. MR. Lowe said the suggestion was rather a good one, and he would see what he could do. SIR JOHN LUBBOCK (whose opinion on this and everything else is very valuable) did not think that the way MR. LOWE proposed to go to work was the right way. An interesting debate on the running down the American Oneida by the English Bombay, and on the conduct of MR. EYRE, the captain of the latter. In brief, it may be said that he was acquitted of inhumanity in not having remained to cruise about for the injured vessel, but was considered to have been in error. SIR J. ELPHINSTONE said that if the Oneida had not been a "Yankee," we should not have heard a syllable about it. MR. GLADSTONE adroitly availed himself of the word (only a corruption of the Indian corruption of "English,") to censure the feeling of the gallant sailor. SIR J. E. disclaimed disrespect for the Americans, whom he looked upon as our right-hand men." Mr. Punch takes leave to go further, and to say that because the vessel was Yankee, it was fitting that excess, rather than deficiency, in attention should be shown, for the reason that blood is thicker than water; and that the Americans, though they quarrel with us as only relations quarrel with relations, are our own flesh and blood after all; and so three cheers for the little Mayflower and the Pilgrim Fathers; and now let's liquor up. Brandy and soda, as suggested above, by our artistic young man. May Punch note that to-day the EARL OF DERBY was wedded to the Dowager COUNTESS OF SALISBURY? Both names are so Parliamentarian that he has admirable excuse for here tendering his choicest felicitations. Besides-he does as he likes. Act of 1862. There was some diverting talk, as there always must be Wednesday. A Bill by MR. BROWN for doing away the Poaching when pheasants are put up in an assembly so devoted to their preservation and slaughter. The Act was said to have worked well, and to have broken up many gangs of professional game-thieves, and its abolition was refused, by 140 to 62. MR. THOMAS HUGHES (another MR. BROWN-ha! ha! "how blest are we that are not simple men!") brought in his Sunday Trading Bill MR. RYLANDS for Second Reading, and carried it by 109 to 64. quoted with approval LORD MELBOURNE's famous question whenever it was proposed that anything should be done-"Can't you let it alone?" But MR. BRUCE thought that this was not one of the to-belet-alone matters. Just let this be understood, you Educated, by any Uneducated whom you may hear saying as how they heerd as Parliament is goin' agin hering to the principle of Compulsory Vaccination, gives a Committee waxination. MR. BRUCE, Home Secretary, fully and resolutely adto consider how that can be best enforced with due regard to the wishes of the people. As for any so-called Educated person, quack or authorised not to argue with him, but to call him a Fool. He may not, who opposes the system, sensible folks are hereby requested and strike, in return. It is to be hoped that he will. Then remember the Conversion of COLONEL QUAGG. It is inimitably told by MR. SALA; but you may imitate the process he describes. MR. D. DALRYMPLE brought in a Bill to provide for dealing with folks who "habitually" take more liquor than is good for them. We notice this at an early stage, as it may have interest for sundry persons known and unknown to Mr. Punch. Thursday. The MARQUIS OF TOWNSHEND saw good reason to withdraw a Bill of his for the Protection of Children. But he pointed out that, as recent Baby-Farming cases had shown, children stood -no, the poor little things have not even learned to stand-lay in want of pro tection. Also, he protested against the brutality of certain school masters, who correct pupils by blows on the head. Mr. Punch is no sentimentalist, and has often and vigorously applauded the application of the hardest cat-o'-nine-tails to the back of ruffianism. He may take leave to say that any schoolmaster who strikes a child on the head deserves the cat. A parent's fist in the fellow's eye might not, however, be a bad substitute. In these observations Mr. Punch means no disrespect to KING SOLOMON, who suggests correction, not injury, as has been well pointed out by LADY LLANOVER, and by Ma Chère Mère, in MISS BREMER'S delightful story, The Neighbours. A debate, interesting to clergymen and other church-folks, on the Bill authorising the use of the new Lectionary, which is to come into use on and after Advent Sunday next, Nov. 27, by which time the Bishops appear to think that the knowledge of the proposed changes may have found its way into "rural parishes." Really, dear prelates, with the telegraphs established all over England (except in idiotic towns where the people are afraid of their twopenny secrets being known to the postmaster or postmistress) this is a behind-the-age way of looking at the matter. Punch will back MR. SCUDAMORE to instil the requisite information into every clergyman in the kingdom in one week. LORD SHAFTESBURY did not like the "Popish" word Lectionary. But as it is not to be in the Prayer Book, the nation is saved from the POPE, so far. The Earl objected to any part of the Apocrypha being read in church, though, out of 132 chapters, only 44 are to be retained. There are noble things and ignoble, in that singular book, and many of the former may be read with all advantage. Another question which the Earl raised was answered by a Bishop; and, perhaps, it may be wise in Mr. Punch to give the answer in the Prelate's own words. LORD SHAFTESBURY Complained that a certain chapter, in which the Sun is described as having stood still, is not to be read. The Bishop OF GLOUCESTER AND BRISTOL explained that the record in question forms but a small part of a history which is less edifying than terrible. The Bill was read a Third Time and passed, Reverend Friends. Education was the topic on several nights in the Commons, and on Friday. The very qualified Compulsion proposed by Government was approved by large majorities, MR. FORSTER predicting that Compulsory Education would soon be adopted. MR. GLADSTONE intimated his hope that at the next sitting the House would go on without any very accurate regard to the time of night. Evidently the PREMIER has no fear that They'd all be nodding, nid, nid, nodding, They'd all be nodding round the Great School Bill. But there was no nodding at nine o'clock. MR. W. H. SMITH, Member for Westminster, asked for an Address to the QUEEN, begging Her to prohibit the erection of Public Offices upon that part of the Victoria Embankment which is between Whitehall Place and Charing Cross. That land, he ably argued, had been conquered from Father Thames by the rate-payers of London, and they had a right to their lawful spoil. MR. LOWE vigorously contended that these two and a half acres were the Crown's. MR. BERESFORD HOPE was against offices, but thought (as Mr. Punch thinks) that the site would be an excellent one for the Natural History Museum. Provincial Members murmured that if London were to be favoured, country places ought to be. There was a very jolly fight; and, after an elaborate argument by MR. GLADSTONE against the motion, the House, shouting and impatient, divided, and MR. SMITH beat the Government by 156 to 106. "So thanks to SMITH, and LOCKE, and HOPE, Should we behold, on yonder slope, Mammoths and hippopotamusses, Instead of Swells and scribbling cusses." AN INCOMPLETE MEMORIAL. THE following telegram, dated July 2nd, arrived the other day from Toronto : "To-day is Dominion Day, and the Governor-General has been present at the unveiling of a memorial statue in honour of the Volunteers who fell while resisting the Fenian raid." OUR COUNT-OUT AND OUR COLLINS-AND (BY A MUCH-FAGGED M.P.) "No Member of the House is so bold and open in informing the SPEAKER that fewer than forty are present as MR. THOMAS COLLINS, the representative of Boston."-Times' Leader. WHAT! take our defence 'gainst the long-winded bore! As well to Bill Sykes hand our shops and their store, counts out" do away, but for which who can say Who but he, when some spinner of yarns loose and long, Is at hand with extinguisher, swift, short, and strong, The proser might prose, and the prater might prate, But for "Counts" and Toм COLLINS of Boston! Calm, serene, scorning storms, he the SPEAKER informs For the rest, ask the serre of the flowers when hot air That we owe to TOM COLLINS of Boston! We might all use the right, but most shrink in affright And some, 'neath the skin, to the bore feeling kin, But for tongue, eye, and ear, above favour or fear, Counts out" stint or stay, and, dull day after day, Bores gruesome and great the field of debate And we'd sigh for the hour, when they sunk in their power, The plague of small talk while 'tis urgent to balk- And our "council of forty" will ne'er be without- 66 THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE" AT THE ADELPHI. "PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE' at 7." SUCH is MR. C. READE'S Adelphi advertisement. Surely it ought to run "PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN PLACE' at 7." Punch suggests the amendment, and begs to second the advice. Thus the public can enjoy at the same time the actor's execution of the blade, and the orchestra's execution of the "HANDEL." Ha! This monument is very likely a fine work of art, and suitable, in its way, for a memorial of the fine fellows who died fighting fili-lady-love to carve her chicken with, to the music of the "Harmonious busters for their country. But another memorial than a statue is Blacksmith." wanting to attest the manner of their death. Such a memorial might have been erected in the shape of a permanent structure on which the Fenian "raiders," as the rascals are called who murdered them, might, if they had happily been caught, have been suspended; but unfortu nately they cheated their victims out of a complete memorial, and also, by running away, cheated that which would have completed it, namely, the gallows. DESSERT FOR CONVOCATION.-" First Fruits." To Mr. Punch. SIR,-I read among the items of news brought by the last Indian Mail, that "disastrous floods have taken place at Indore." May not these Indore floods have something to do with our Out-door droughts? Yours respectfully, WEATHER-FOOLISH. |