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Practised no trickery,
DICTA FOR DANCING.

Drank all the chicory,

Long may she reign! (Lectures on the Gay Science by Tobaccolaureus Artium.)

Which shows, if nothing else did, or would, how blameless and simple
HE season is iar advanced, and were the followers of the goddess, and also the nature of their libations
ladies are bewailing the pre-in her honour.
sence of“Wallflowers,” who But antiquarianism must not detain us; though the substance of the
are neither useful nor orna- above will serve admirably for conversations between partners during
mental, but simply crowd quadrilles, when such topics as the weather, the Park, and the Opera,
the staircases, the conser have been exhausted.
vatories, and the landings,

2. The Quadrille Reformed,
getting in everyone's way,
and by their inopportune

Let us have steps, not a languid and slouching walk. lf, as has been appearance, preventing the

said above, Dancing is a language for the feelings, let us point our toes blossoming of many a se

as we would our remarks. Number one is Le Pantalon, rious flirtation, and nipping

Simple Rules,-Set and turn to Partners ; cross over by yourself ; in the bud the projects of far. chassez right and left. Stop to see where you've got to. If the sighted mammas, and the quadrille has finished, return to your partner and apologise. If not, join hopes of eldest daughters.

her, and express your sentiments in a lively (or otherwise) measure. With eyes moistened by

L'Eté.–First lady advances and retires; then retires and advances.

If
iced champagne cup, Mr. your memory fails you during this quadrille, always return to your
Punch's Tobaccolaureas partner, balancez, and insist on taking his hand and going round with
Artium, having given his

him. Or (if a gentleman) with her. In dancing an unknown or un-
earnest consideration to the certain figure, the strong determined will comes off best.
case, has arrived at the con-

Grand Rule for all Occasions.-When in doubt, balancez, clusion, viz., that the Art of

La Poule.-Cross over on the first opportunity, and get back again Dancing is being neglected;

on the first opportunity after that. Thank heaven for your safety so that there are several old far. Take hold of somebody and chassez : apologise, if wrong. acquaintances which would

La Trénise, -Ladies' chain. Set to some one; your partner, if posbear revival, and several sible. Advance twice, with or without partner, Change sides. foreign dances which would Glissade, chassez, and turn partners inwards. This is usually called tend to promote hilarity and the Colwell-Hatohney

Figure.) good humour, and would

La Pastorale and La Finale is chiefly advancing and retiring ad drag the aforesaid Wall- libitum, and galopading about

with your partner. Be always ready to flowers from their seclusion start galopading, and say, "Now then, come along !" A shout adds to and repose. The Tobacco

the real excitement. But better perhaps leave this until after supper. laureus Artium proposes

N.B. Figures in themselves are of small importance to the true (it is for Professors, according to University announcements, always dancer; steps are everything, Genius invents figures as it goes on, and " to propose”-let the proverb be finished by whoever cares to do it) steps too, to hold classes in his L.F.T. (Light Fantastic Toe) School, but for the benefit of those who cannot at present, or will not just now attend, he

The Royal Wales Quadrille, or Prince's Fancy, as danced at all

the Court Balls. further proposes to publish a few hints (the mere sketches of his oral teaching) for the Ball Room, which he at once commences.

Top couple advance, retire, and turn inwards.

Four ladies join right hands in centre, and 1. On the End and Aim of all Dancing.

Swing gentlemen into places. Dancing is the Poetry of Motion.. Considering how often a motion

All chassez across, in the form of a star, and is before the House of Commons, it is surprising what opportunities it

Return to places. has lost, of converting the most prosaic, into the most poetical pro

3. Etiquette. ceeding, If every Honourable Member danced when he had to move," what marvellous steps the House might take towards the troduced to her, and you will not be thought guilty of presumption in

You may galopade with a lady all about the room without being indespatch of business!

so doing. When you've finished with her, put her down somewhere. The Art of Dancing is one whereby the feelings are expressed."- You are not bound to ask her name and address, nor need you take How true this is everyone who has seen, or joined in, a waltz, must any further notice of her. immediately acknowledge. Rage, Jealousy, Love, Respect, all are to be gathered, by the observer, from the manner in which the trois temps, or deux temps, is performed. One object in these hints will be an attempt to revivify the polka.

SPEED THE “DENOMINATIONAL SYSTEM.” Wallflowers have forgotten this as well as other figures; thinking, in

Chorus of Ratepayers. fact, very little of any figures except their own. With the ancient Greeks and Romans, dancing was a part of their reli

FORWARD, each Denomination, gious rites, So it is now in England; the high-priestesses are the Match

In the cause of Education, making Mothers. Regardless of their doom, the little victims dance.

To the rescue from the State, Dancing contributes to the preservation of health, and is apparent

That you may indoctrinate from the absolute necessity entailed upon every Paterfamilias, with sons

Your own poor with your own views, and daughters, of rushing off to the seaside, or to some watering-place

Thus you'll no adherents lose. on the Continent, where the young people appear with the glow of

To this end there's but one way, health on their cheeks, the sparkle of life in their eyes, and exhibit a strength of limb, which will overcome mountains. In these you behold

For your own schools 'tis to pay,

Do it with no sparing hand, the votaries of the Dance, the most constant worshippers, the Fast Partners, who have done three parties a-night since the commence

That they may o'erspread the land,

Happy we if it befall
ment of the season, and, Saturday evenings excepted, have never been
in bed for nearly three months, before five in the morning.

That you school, between you, al),
Dancing is conducive to the formation of manners, as we shall pro-
ceed to show, by giving a few rules for conduct in the ball-room.
Finally, great and illustrious men in all ages, have danced. SOCRATES

France in a Frenzy.
danced ; Plato danced ; XENOPHON invariably danced while writing his
Anabasis.

What if PRINCE LEOPOLD of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen, Catholic HENRI QUATRE of France nobly said, in answer to one of his Hohenzollern, were to become King of SPAIN ! As a constitutional bishops, that "he danced because he liked it; a reply that appears at

Sovereign, what power would he have, even had he the will, to help the time to have given considerable satisfaction to his subjects. CÆSAR the Protestant KING of Prussia to subjugate

France The French Augustus invented the ballet, and Nero is too vulgar an instance for doubtless, has OLLIVIER, 80 bas the Duc DE GRAMONT; and they may us to quote here. In old days, as the Poet sings, They

have cause to be offended with the great Teutonic sausage, but must be Made for Terpsichore

over fastidious indeed to object so violently as they do to a milu Temples of bickory,

"Small German.”

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“THE CUT DIRECT."

(Given and Returned.)
WHEN LESSEPS planned the project grand

Of cutting Suez' isthmus,
Looking askance, BULL seemed to stand

Afflicted with strabismus.
Buttoned his pockets : cash from him

Forbade the fool to expect :
In short, gave him and his big whim,

Alike, the “Cut Direct.”
Lo, LESSEPS now, with bright bold brow,

Strong in the "accomplished fact !”
And England, glad to do Kotow,

Backs him, from whom she backed !
Of English cheers, 'gainst English sneers,

Let LESSEPS weigh the effect:
Nor, as he might, in victory's right,

Give us the "Čut! Direct."
Magnanimous, as strong men are,

Let him smile on the crowd,
So lately scornful, round his car

Of triumph now so loud!
'Twixt “deed” and plan your Englishman

The difference can detect!
The beau róle's yours : you have had ours;

Now we've your Cut Direct!”

RAINFALL AND REASON. A FRENCH Chemist, arguing from the fact that great battles have coincided with heavy showers, has proposed that, in order to terminate a drought, the attempt should he made to shake rain out of the clouds by a general cannonade. This, with the view, apparently, of getting the popular mind of France to entertain the idea of it, he suggests, might be associated with some religious celebra

tion. We should like to know what FARADAY would have MORE REVENGE FOR FLODDEN.

said to this twofold proposal, which, if it were practised,

and found to answer, might rather mislead the faithful but SCENE-A Scotch Hotel.

unscientific multitude ? A French philosopher might not Tourist (indignant at his bill). Way, LANDLORD, THERE

mind doing that, but a true English one would. We would MISTAKE THERE !

MUST BE SOME dissociate the theological from the scientific experiment for

the deduction of rain. Invoke St. Swithin on St. Swithin's Landlord. “MISTAKE? AYE, AYE. THAT STUPID FELLOW, THE WAITER, day if you like, but try your cannonade on some day before HAS JUST CHARGED YOU FIVE SHILLINGS- -TOO LITTLE.”

or after.

THOUGHTS OF GREAT MEN.

crescent moon rose in the amber sky. The sound of plashing oars and merry voices mingled with the nightingale's plaintive trill and the

pensive chime of distant bells. (Now first collected.)

Seated on the bank, sat a youthful pair. Their hands were joined, What can be more magnificent than this apostrophe to “Time” by her face was turned to his with all the ardour of passionate affection, THOMSON ?

with all the purity of maiden innocence, Wishful not to disturb their “O, Time! thou greatest autocrat of all

happiness, I selected a path which took my steps away from the tuft Who reign o'er millions and o'er millionnaires,

of verdure they occupied, when, turning once more to admire the Despotic sovran of a drooping world,

glowing west, I saw, to my amazement, my sorrow, that her head was Wrinkled and worn, and faded as a robe

averted, that her hand was no longer clasped in his. That moment a Blanched hueless by the Sun's solstitial ray

cloud passed over the face of the moon. Had a cloud so soon overDeal gently with this young connubial pair,

shadowed their happiness? My interest in the lovers overcame my Launched gaily on Life's tossing sea to-day,

unwillingness to intrude on their retirement. I approached, and heard And now en route for Folkestone and Boulogne: Drop scythe and glass, and bid thy visage wear

a slight but familiar noise. My fears were dispelled, my doubts were A cheerful smile, as in those jocund days,

at an end. She had turned away her face, and withdrawn her handWhen in the morning of the buxom world

to sneeze!”
All things were bright, and fresh, and gay, and cheap,
And universal credit reigned.”

A Warning to Waiters.
The almost crystalline clearness of the following profound reflection

BY A FREQUENT DINER-OUT. of Kant's cannot fail to be at once appreciated : We are not what

YE, at tables small or great, we seem. We are something else, and yet the identical. Our entity

Who stand behind our chairs in state, wavers, but our being remains immutable. Essence is in permanence,

Ne'er be slow to change a plate, accidents vacillate. Various in invariableness, with many phases, but

Ne'er be heedful of our prate, of one unyielding type, we are not to-morrow as we were the day

Never breathe upon our pate, before yesterday, and a fortnight hence we shall be on our way to

“Learn to labour and to wait.Newhaven.”

No other author, ancient or modern, could bring the pleasing scene which ADDISON describes, before our very eyes with equal vividness

ECUMENICAL AND CANINE, and fidelity to Nature. He says: "I walked by the side of a stately WARM work as well as words may be anticipated at Rome if the river, renowned in commerce, in history, in tuneful song. The evening debate on Infallibility is to go on, so that the Pope's proposed dogma was tranquilly beautiful; the sun was departing in regal glory; the shall be discussed during the dog-days.

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(PAT ERFAMILIAS'S STEAM-YACHT HAS COME TO A STAND-STILL, THE FIRES HAVING GONE OUT.)

Polite Stranger (paddling to the rescue). “ MAY I OFFER YOU A LIGHT, SIR ?”

error.

SPECIAL PLEADERS' MUTUAL PROTECTION

called to the Bar of Missouri (U. S)., or be appointed a Professor of

Sanscrit in any English or Foreign University.
SOCIETY.

2. If L. N. shall, by intimidation or otherwise, control the election

of Members of Parliament, or shall publicly or privately advocate This Society appeals for support to those unfortunate practitioners Spinster suffrage pure and simple. who have incurred heavy penalties by their unskilfulness in framing 3. If it be discovered that L. N. has never been separated from her Declarations of attachment, but who are still courageously bent on Mamma. devoting their tender energies to please.

4. If at Croquet L. N. shall be inordinately obsequious to a suffragan Statisticians have computed that fines amounting to £85,703 14s. 10d. Bishop as Patron of the lawn. are annually exacted from "promising juniors ” who have declared in 5. If L. N. shall wear an outrageous chignon of an objectionable

colour. One very distressing case occurred recently, where an ingenious 6. If alone, or in conjunction with other speculative Spinsters, L. N. young Scotch Lady, aged 27, succeeded in obtaining damages to the shall float a Company, or become immersed in bubbles, or prompted by tune of £1,000 by playing on a Cornet. The Cornet we may add was feminine notions of economy, shall make" time-bargains," or look spasmodically affected on hearing his banns published at Church for with tender regard on Bears” of any kind whatever. the first time of asking.

7. If L. N. shall confess to have spent a pleasant day pending A. B.'s A still more shocking calamity happened to M. D., a retired emotional recovery from influenza. Physician, who was mulcted in £3,000 by a young Spanish Widow, 8. If, aspiring to fame, L. N. shall translate the Iliad, or exhibit in whose second husband M. D. learned when too late, had very shortly any walk of literature a Grecian bend, after marriage sighed and sued for a judicial separation, failing which 9. If L. N. oblivious of the female shall go so far as to drive a he had let himself down into a quicksilver mine in Siberia.

Mail or a Curricle, or shall covet the reins of Government, or the This Society guarantees to indemnify its members against all losses position of a Ministerial “whip.” occasioned by chivalrous promises, and will furnish them with an 10. If maliciously designing to destroy his gravity and disturb his approved form of Declaration, adapted to fascinate beauty, while her balance, L. N. shall bother the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER guardians are deprived of their mercenary sting.

when mounted on his favourite bicycle with £2 73. ld. for unpaid

Income-tax.
Form of Declaration.

11. If in fashionable mockery of Professor TYNDALL, L. N. shall
1, A.B., (Bachelor) traly, solemnly and sincerely declare that I'am raise a dust in the Park, proudly regardless of the mischief which
held and firmly
bound to L.N. (Spinster) by the ties of (admiration

or follows in her train. affluence as the case may be), and I promise and engage to offer the Finally. If in cooler moments A.B. (Bachelor) shall think better of said L. N. my heart, hand and fortune within (six) calendar months it, and wisely prefer entering the Trappe Monastery, to being caught in from this date. Provided nevertheless that this Declaration shall be a matrimonial trap. null and void to all intents and purposes on any of the following conditions :

WEATHER REPORT.-In many country parishes the drought is having 1. If L. N. (Spinster) shall become a Doctor of Civil Law, or be one very serious effect-the Sermons are drier than ever.

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read a Third Time by 247 to 113, and passed-the House of Commons. PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Never do you, pensive Public, pass a typographical hint by Mr. Punch.

Observe that dash. “There's toys abroad, he'll tell thee more anon.' MPORTANT! Monday, July 4th. Posterity, Tuesday. Very materially indeed did the Lords modify their treatment observe! This week of the Irish Land Bill. Specially, by 130 to 38 votes, was restored the is note-worthy, by old form of the Bill in regard to the amount of rent that is to entitle a reason that in it tenant to compensation. It again rests at £100, to secure the approval broke on Europe the of the " leaders of the Irish tenantry.”. Some alterations by the news that Prim of Ministers were accepted by the Conservatives, and on the concluding Spain had selected night of debate the Bill was read a Third Time, LORD LEITRIM alone LEOPOLD of Hohen. shouting forth his discontent. zollern - Sigmaringen Catholic friends at a distance and near will please accept this intias King of Spain, mation. The Ecclesiastical Titles Act has ceased to be. Let's have a and that NAPOLEON féte at the Crystal Palace, with a firework picture of S. Peter's, and of France forbad the 'His Holiness smilingly accepting compensation presented by Britannia ? elevation of a Prus- In two years the Thames Embankment from Chelsea to Battersea sian Prince to the will be finished, said SIR WILLIAM TITE. The eminent architect Peninsular throne. added, that though we can't afford granite, we shall use a stone called Europe believes that millstone grit, and thus have a beautiful and elaborate stone wall if the King of Prus- instead of brick. Dear MR. AYRTON, but that you are going away-, SIA supports or per-|(you must go away)—and, therefore, you need counsel no longer, Punch mits the selection, would ask you, Why can't you answer an æsthetic question as SIR there will be another William Tite does? You can't think how easy and pleasant civility

War of the Spanish is when you once get into the habit of using it? Succession." As the MR, LAMBERT advised MR. Lowe to pay the National Debt. MR. war at present known Lowe said the suggestion was rather a good one, and he would see by that name cost what he could do. SiR JOHN LUBBOCK (whose opinion on this and England at least everything else is very valuable) did not think that the way MR. LOWE £62,000,000 (let us proposed to go to work was the right way. put it into words An interesting debate on the running down the American Oneida

also, for the better by the English Bombay, and on the conduct of MR. EYRE, the captain appreciation of the amount-Sixty-Two Millions of Pounds Sterling), of the latter. In brief, it may be said that he was acquitted of inhu. it may be hoped that if the apprehended conflict take place, England manity in not having remained to cruise about for the injured vessel, will manage to keep out of it, the rather that it matters not at all to but was considered to have been in error. SIR J. ELPHINSTONE said her who reigns in Spain. There must be some Parliamentary utter- that if the Oneida had not been a "Yankee,” we should not have ances on this subject-perhaps there may be a legion—90 here the heard a syllable about it. MR. GLADSTONE adroitly availed himself Public has the case stated once for all.

of the word (only a corruption of the Indian corruption of " English,'') To-day the Lords spoke on the Bill for making illegal the sale of the to censure the feeling of the gallant sailor. Sir J. E. disclaimed disnext presentation to a benefice, "and of certain advowsons. Up came, respect for the Americans, whom he looked upon as our right-hand of course, the irrepressible Rights of Property, and the Bill was read a men.” Mr. Punch takes leave to go further, and to say that because Second Time, only on condition of its being sent to a Select Committee. the vessel was Yankee, it was fitting that excess, rather than deficiency, LORD SALISBURY thought that if purchase in the Church were in attention should be shown, for the reason that blood is thicker than abolished, we should have to abolish purchase in the Army. May be water; and that the Americans, though they quarrel with us as only so; but buying the right to be killed, and buying the right to preach relations quarrel with relations, are our own flesh and blood after all; religion are surely as distinct things as can well co-exist.

and so three cheers for the little Mayflower and the Pilgrim Fathers ; The Bill for sequestering the benefices of parsons who do not pay and now let's liquor up. Brandy and soda, as suggested above, by our their debts, was passed by the Lords-who always pay theirs. By the artistic young man. way, it has just been finally decided that a Peer may be a bankrupt. May Pinch note that to-day the EARL OF DERBY was wedded to the Imagine a Lord walking in procession with his certificate in his coronet ! Dowager COUNTESS OF SALISBURY ? Both names are so ParliaClearly, these be no feudal times.

mentarian that he has admirable excuse for here tendering his choicest Married Women's Property Bill is sent to a Committee, and Mr. felicitations. Besides—he does as he likes. Punch relies upon that noble body to make the excellent Bill excellenter, but by no means to impair its value to those who now suffer Act of 1862. There was some diverting talk, as there always must be

Wednesday. A Bill by MR, BROWN for doing away the Poaching most unjustly for want of protection. The Lords can stick up stoutly when pheasants are put up in an assembly so devoted to their preservafor Rights of Property, as has been seen. Here is an opportunity for tion and slaughter. The Act was said to have worked well

, and to doing so in the most righteous way.

Note, if you please, that LORD GRANVILLE is the new Foreign have broken up many gangs of professional game-thieves, and its abo-
Secretary, that LORD KIMBERLEY is the new Colonial Secretary, that lition was refused, by 140 to 62.
LORD HALIFAX (olim SIR CHARLES WOOD) is the new Lord Privy Seal,

MR. THOMAS HUGHES (another MR. BROWN-ha! ha! “how blest that Mr. Forster enters the Cabinet (the Commons cheered him, and are we that are not simple men !” brought in his Sunday Trading Bill

MR. RYLANDS Mr. Punch echoes the cheer),

and that MR. TREVELYAN, ceasing to be for Second Reading, and carried it by 109 to 64. Admiralty Lord because he disapproves of a portion of the Education quoted with approval LORD MELBOURNE's famous question whenever 1st Class in Classics at Balliol, and is descended from our glorious old let-alone matters. Bill, is succeeded by LORD CAMPERDOWN, Lord-in-Waiting, who was it was proposed that anything should be done—"Can't you let it

But MR. BRUCE thought that this was not one of the to-beAdmiral, Viscount DUNCAN, who nobly put into the family arms the figure of the Sunderland sailor, CRAWFORD, who, at the battle of Cam

Just let this be understood, you Educated, by any Uneducated whom perdown, did seven times, amid a storm of shot, nail his Admiral's

flag you may hear saying as how they heerd as Parliament is goin' agin to the mainmast of the Venerable. Here be three “who’s” in six lines, hering to the principle of Compulsory Vaccination, gives a Committee

waxination. MR. BRUCE, Home Secretary, fully and resolutely adbut it is too hot to recast sentences. Census next year, Ladies. In Ireland it is to be Religious ; that is, wishes of the people. As for any so-called Educated person, quack or

to consider how that can be best enforced with due regard to the the professed faith of everybody is to be stated. So, in Scotland. But in England it is to be Irreligious. The reason of this is, that when a authorised not to argue with him, but to call him a Fool. He may

not, who opposes the system, sensible folks are hereby requested and he is claimed by the Church of England, and sundry who are not her strike, in return. It is to be hoped that he will

. Then remember the friends desire not that she should be thus aggrandised.

Conversion of COLONEL QUAGG. It is inimitably told by MR. SALA; Mr. J. B. Smith. Will the Post-Master-General now adopt the but you may imitate the process he describes. French Gram!

MR. D. DALRYMPLE brought in a Bill to provide for dealing with Lord Hartington. He won't.

folks who " habitually” take more liquor than is good for them. We A good talk about Counts Out. There have been many of late, and notice this at an early stage, as it may have interest for sundry persons divers Members

wax wrathful. But there is to be no surrender of the known and unknown to Mr. Punch. right of the House to be relieved altogether of speeches which are not Thursday. The MARQUIS OF TOWNSHEND saw good reason to withworth the attention of forty Members. MR. DISRAELI very properly draw a Bill of his for the Protection of Children, But he pointed out suggested that there should be no sharp, snatching practice, but that a that, as recent Baby-Farming cases had shown, children stood -no, the gentleman's instinct should guide the mover of a count.

poor little things have not even learned to stand-lay in want of proUniversity Tests Bill went through Committee, and next day was I tection. Also, he protested against the brutality of certain school

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masters, who correct pupils by blows on the head. Mr. Punch is no sentimentalist, and has often and vigorously applauded the application

OUR COUNT-OUT AND OUR COLLINS AND of the hardest cat-o'-nine-tails to the back of ruffianism. He may take

MORE POWER TO THEM! leave to say that any schoolmaster who strikes a child on the head deserves the cat. A parent's fist in the fellow's eye might not, how

(BY A MOCH-FAGGED M.P.) ever, be a bad substitute. In these observations Mr. Punch means no disrespect to KING SOLOMON, who suggests correction, not injury, “No Member of the House is so bold and open in informing the SPEAKAR as has been well pointed out by LADY LLANOVER, and by Ma Chère that fewer than forty are present as MR. THOMAS COLLINS, the represenMère, in Miss BREMER's delightful story, The Neighbours.

tative of Boston."Times' Leader. A debate, interesting to clergymen and other church-folks, on the

WHAT! take our defence 'gainst the long-winded bore ! Bill authorising the use of the new Lectionary, which is to come into

Our rein for the rider of hobbies ! use on and after Advent Sunday next, Nov. 27, by which time the Bishops appear to think that the knowledge of the proposed changes

As well to Bill Sykes hand our shops and their store,

Without bulwark of beaks and of bobbies ! may have found its way into “rural parishes.”. Really, dear prelates,

With with the telegraphs established all over England (except in idiotic

counts out” do away, but for which who can say

How oft the bore's tusks we were tost on ! towns where the people are afraid of their twopenny secrets being known to the postmaster or postmistress) this is a behind-the-age way

No! Our shield from that beast let us hold to, at least of looking at the matter. Punch will back MR. SCUDAMORE to instil

And hurrah for Tom Collins, of Boston ! the requisite information into every clergyman in the kingdom in one

Who but he, when some spinner of yarns loose and long, week.

Has his motion set down on the paper, LORD SHAFTESBURY did not like the “Popish ” word Lectionary.

Is at hand with extinguisher, swist, short, and strong, But as it is not to be in the Prayer Book, the nation is saved from the

That quenches his rushlight in vapour! Pope, so far. The Earl objected to any part of the Apocrypha being

The proser might prose, and the prater might prate, read in church, though, out of 132 chapters, only 44 are to be retained. Turn his douche of tall talk, at our cost, on, There are noble things and ignoble, in that singular book, and many of The hobby-horse rider ride o'er ns, clate, the former may be read with all advantage. Another question which

But for "Counts” and Tom Collins of Boston !
the Earl raised was answered by a Bishop; and, perhaps, it may be
wise in Mr. Punch to give the answer in the Prelate's own words. Calm, serene, scorning storms, he the Speaker informs
LORD SHAFTESBURY complained that a certain chapter, in which the

He has counted : not forty are present-
Sun is described as having stood still, is not to be read. The Bishop See! The bore feels the spear that arrests his career-
OF GLOUCESTER AND BRISTOL explained that the record in question To him, and him only, unpleasant !
forms but a small part of a history which is less edifying than terrible. For the rest, ask the serre of the flowers when hot air
The Bill was read a Third Time and passed, Reverend Friends.

Is let in from a flue, with the frost on:
Education was the topic on several nights in the Commons, and on E'en such, in our grief, is the blessèd relief

That we owe to Tom COLLINS of Boston ! Friday. The very qualified Compulsion proposed by Government was approved by large majorities, Mr. Forster prediciing that Compul- We might all use the right, but most shrink in affright sory Education would soon be adopted. MR. GLADSTONE intimated From bearding the bore in his track; his hope that at the next sitting the House would go on without any And some, 'neath the skin, to the bore feeling kin, very accurate regard to the time of night. Evidently the PREMIER Fear he some day the spear might send back. has no fear that

Thus the worth of a "count”- though all own its amount-
They'd all be nodding, nid, nid, nodding,

England's wisdom collective were lost on,
They'd all be nodding round the Great School Bill.

But for tongue, eye, and ear, above favour or fear,

Like the SPEAKER and Collins of Boston.
But there was no nodding at nine o'clock. MR. W. H. SMITH,
Member for Westminster, asked for an Address to the Queen, begging "Counts out” stint or stay, and, dull day after day,
Her to prohibit the erection of Public Offices upon that part of the

We were swamped by a wild wordy ocean;
Victoria Embankment which is between Whitehall Place and Charing

Our business estopped, and our brains worn away, Cross. That land, he ably argued, had been conquered from Father

In the grind of perpetual motion. Thames by the rate-payers of London, and they had a right to their Bores gruesome and great the field of debate lawful spoil. Mr. Lowe vigorously contended that these two and a

Would range, all untamed and uncrost on; half acres were the Crown's. MR. BERES FORD HOPE was against

And we'd sigh for the hour, when they sunk in their power, offices, but thought (as Mr. Punch thinks) that the site would be an ex

To the "count" of Tom COLLINS of Boston ! cellent one for the Natural History Museum. Provincial Members murmured that if London were to be favoured, country places ought to

The plague of small talk while 'tis urgent to balk

While reins we need hobbies to bridlebe. There was a very jolly fight; and, after an elaborate argument by

While crotchets all round trip us up as we walk, MR. GLADSTONE against the motion, the House, shouting and impatient, divided, and Mr. Smith beat the Government by 156 to 106.

Spun from brains that are addled or idle

So long to "counts out” we'll hold on, stiff and stout,
“ So thanks to Smith, and Locke, and Hope,

As his life-buoy the sailor wave-tost on,
Should we behold, on yonder slope,

And our "council of forty” will ne'er be without
Mammoths and hippopotamusses,

Let us hope-a Tom COLLINS of Boston!
Instead of Swells and seribbling cusses."

“ THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE” AT THE AN INCOMPLETE MEMORIAL.

ADELPHI.
The following telegram, dated July 2nd, arrived the other day from
Toronto :-

“Por YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE' at 7."

Such is MR. C. READE's Adelphi advertisement. Surely it ought “ To-day is Dominion Day, and the Governor-General has been present at to runthe unveiling of a memorial statue in honour of the Volunteers who fell while

“PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN PLACE' at 7." resisting the Fenian raid."

Punch suggests the amendment, and begs to second the advice. Ha! This monument is very likely a fine work of art, and suitable,

It is worth all the money to see MR. NEVILLE forge a knife for his in its way, for a memorial of the fine fellows who died fighting fili- lady.love to carve her chicken with, to the music of the “ Harmonious busters for their country. But another memorial than a statue is Blacksmith.wanting to attest the manner of their death. Such a memorial might

Thus the public can enjoy at the same time the actor's execution of have been erected in the shape of a permanent structure on which the the blade, and the orchestra’s execution of the “ HANDEL." Fenian "raiders," as the rascals are called who murdered them, might, if they had happily been caught, have been suspended; but unfortunately they cheated their victims out of a complete memorial, and also,

To Mr. Punch. by running away, cheated that which would have completed it, namely, the gallows.

SIR, -I read among the items of news brought by the last Indian Mail, that “disastrous floods have taken place at Indore.” May not

these Indore floods have something to do with our Out-door droughts[? DESSERT FOR CONVOCATION.- " First Fruits.”

Yours respectfully, WEATHER-FOOLISH.

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